How to Cope When He Says He’s Not in Love With You
You won’t find magic for making the pain disappear when he says “I’m not in love with you anymore”, but you will find comfort and healing in these 10 tips.
Take a deep breath, and know you are not alone. I feel your pain, and I know what it’s like when someone says they love you no more. It’s such a piercing rejection, a shocking bucket of cold water, a sword into your heart. And yet, the numbness! I felt deep shock and numbness when the man I loved said he didn’t love me anymore. So painful, but in the long run my life really was better when he left. I was forced to rebuild, and I Blossomed! And so will you, even now that you know he doesn’t love you anymore. Read through my tips for coping with this type of heartbreak – and know that you are not alone. And, you will feel happy and whole again. This, too, shall pass.
“Let there be spaces in your togetherness,” said Khalil Gibran. “And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.” That’s one tip for when he stops loving you: take a step back and let the air flow between you. Take another deep breath, and know that you are loved.
Below, I describe what “spaces in your togetherness” means. I hate to resort to cliches, but it really is true that when you set something you love free and it comes back to you, it was meant to be. Sometimes you just have to let go, especially when he says he fell out of love with you.
10 Ways to Cope When He Says He Doesn’t Love You
I won’t tell you to try to forget about him, because it feels impossible. You need to grieve, to take care of yourself. You need to cope with the pain of rejection and and move forward in your life…but you also need time to grieve the loss of your relationship.
Allowing yourself to grieve and heal, mourn and move on, is a balancing act. First, you allow yourself to experience the natural grieving process. Then, you start finding ways to rebuild your life.
1. Work through the pain and grief by expressing your emotions
Give yourself time to go through the natural stages of grief. You may still be in shock – you may feel unable to believe that he doesn’t love you. Or maybe you always knew deep down that he wasn’t fully committed to you.
Allow yourself space, privacy, and time to cry and work through your sadness, disbelief, anger, and hurt. Don’t rush yourself through this process. Write in your journal, listen to sad songs about breakups, and let your heart break. You need to move through the pain before you can start to heal. Experiencing the pain IS healing and it will help you mend your broken heart, even though it hurts so much when a husband or boyfriend says he doesn’t love you anymore.
2. Focus on yourself – not on him
You may find yourself thinking about him constantly. What is he doing, why did he fall out of love with you, where is he now, who is he spending time with? What caused him to stop loving you, and when did he fall out of love?
While those questions and feelings are natural, you need to learn how to control your thoughts. This means ending the endless rumination and obsession about him. You need to start rebuilding your self-image and self-respect, and learn what it means to truly love and care for yourself.
For others to love and respect you, you have to love and respect yourself. To love and respect yourself, you may need to make practical, tangible changes in your life. Maybe that means losing a few pounds, going back to school, or spending more time with people you respect. Maybe it means getting up early to exercise or finding out about student loans. Start writing down your goals and taking specific action steps towards achieving them.
3. Learn how to let go of the man you love
I wrote How to Let Go of Someone You Love after my sister stopped talking to me. I was in so much pain – I couldn’t seem to let her go – so I interviewed counselors and grief experts about grieving and letting go. I wanted to learn how to deal with the pain when someone says they don’t love you anymore.
The best way to get through something like the pain of heartbreak is to refuse to go through it alone. Instead of continuing to fight your way through the brambles and dark patches, take my hand. Let’s walk each other home.
May you learn that accepting what your boyfriend or husband says is true. He doesn’t love you anymore, and he needs to move on. I pray that you’ll find yourself filled with strength, faith, hope, and peace that surpasses all understanding. May you find solace even as you’re wading through the grief and pain that your relationship is over.
4. Give yourself – and him – space to heal and breathe
Heal by accepting the truth: he said he doesn’t love you anymore, and he means it. This doesn’t mean you’re unlovable or unworthy! It just means his feelings have changed. He fell out of love not because of anything you are, or did, or said…but because of things he may not even be aware of. When a husband or boyfriend says he’s not in love with you, you must accept and surrender to his feelings.
Focus on how you can Blossom in your own life. One of the most important things to do when he doesn’t love you anymore is to take a step back – though your instinct is to move closer! Find your self-identity. Figure out who you are apart from your marriage, relationship, kids, and relatives. Give yourself (and him) room to breathe.
If you’re struggling with bleakness and despair, read 7 Ways to Deal With Depression After a Breakup.
5. Look at your relationship objectively
You’ve been invested in this marriage or relationship for years; now, you need to look at it objectively, with your mind and gut (not your heart). Is this the relationship you wanted for yourself, before you met him?
Would you want your daughter, sister, or best friend to be in this relationship? Does your partner willingly meet your needs and respect your wishes? Do you do the same for him? If you had to do it all over again, ask yourself if you’d choose him again as your partner. That may help you look at your relationship and decide if you want to stay or leave.
6. Learn what “Everything Belongs” means
Recently, I discovered two phrases that soothe my soul when something falls flat or spirals out of control…
- Everything Belongs
- Just So
The first comes from Richard Rohr’s Everything Belongs: The Gift of Contemplative Prayer, which describes how to find spirituality in daily life. It’s a deep and thick book – and the title alone is worth chewing on.
“Everything belongs” means that all the heartbreak and all the beauty in the world – and in our lives – is supposed to be here. Our earth is breathtaking and beautiful, and heartbreaking and lonely. Our lives are bittersweet, filled with pain and joy, loss and blessings. Every painful moment and joyous experience is in its place.
We are in our places, exactly as planned. We don’t always feel fantastic, and we haven’t always chosen the things that happen to us, but…everything belongs. Even a man who says he doesn’t love you anymore – even that belongs in your life right now.
7. Practice saying “Just So” every time you feel the pain
Amor Towles’ book A Gentleman in Moscow is the source of my other new favorite phrase: “just so.” In it, a wealthy Russian count is forced to live under house arrest in an old hotel – and yet he has the most charming, lighthearted, positive perspective on life.
Get this: he gets out of bed one morning and cracks his head on the rafter of the ceiling. And what does he do?
“Just so,” he says amiably, and off he goes to fetch his breakfast.
Just So. Because Everything Belongs.
Let’s practice this today. When we’re struggling to accept a loss, when we need words of comfort, when we’re dealing with career changes and computer problems and broken dishwashers and funeral preparations and fears that a relationship isn’t worth fighting for…practice acceptance and surrender.
Feel the difference between saying “just so” because everything belongs (the lightness of acceptance), versus fighting against the reality that you wish wasn’t happening (crushed by the burden of the futility and pain of resistance). Just so, my friend, because everything belongs.
8. Incorporate at least one new activity into your life
Here are a few practical action tips for what to do when he says he no longer loves you:
- Plan a trip to Thailand, Peru, or Italy
- Volunteer at a homeless shelter
- Be a Big Sister volunteer mentor
- Take a sushi making class
- Join a snowshoeing or hiking club
- Take Zumba dance lessons
- Find a new place to live
It doesn’t matter what the new activities are, really…what matters is that you find new, interesting things to do with your life. Then, when you start obsessing about your ex-boyfriend, you can practice replacing the obsession with something new and interesting.
9. If you can’t accept what he says, find ways to rebuild your love
You might want to read I Love You, but I’m Not IN Love with You: 7 Steps to Saving Your Relationship if you’re determined to save your relationship. Author Andrew Marshal is a couples counselor who teaches people how to rekindle their love and rebuild their marriages – even when a boyfriend or husband says he’s not in love with you.
“It doesn’t seem to matter what culture you live in or if you’re a man or woman, this issue of ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’ seems like it can happen to anyone,” says one reader. “I guess there’s some comfort in the fact that you’re not alone. But make no mistake, this book is a hard read. It forces you to take the rose colored glasses off and really look at your behavior. I had more than one epiphany reading the early chapters, and more than once thought to myself ‘no wonder things are the way they are!’ I understand why my wife said she doesn’t love me anymore, and I am working to change things.”
10. Tell your story – get it out of the darkness, into the light
What is your experience – how did your boyfriend or husband say he doesn’t love you anymore? I welcome you to share your story below. I can’t offer advice or tell you how to get him to fall in love with you again, but sometimes writing brings clarity and insight. Writing can help you heal, help you figure out what happened in your relationship. You may never find all the answers, but you can work through the questions.
Sometimes couples go through ups and downs, peaks and valleys…and it’s possible that this is just a difficult stage of your relationship. But even if you decide that you want to get him back, don’t pursue him right away. Give him time and space to think, to miss you, and to think about life without you.
If your partner doesn’t love you because he’s in love with someone else, read How to Stop Crying When It’s Over.
Hold tight to your memories. Lean on your friends and family for strength. And always remember how much God loves you. You were created for a purpose. You are here for a reason! Even if you feel lost and empty because he says he doesn’t love you anymore…you are beautiful, resilient, and strong enough to rebuild your life.