Hearing someone you love say “I don’t love you anymore” may cause you more pain than any other words you’ve ever heard. The rejection and abandonment is heartbreaking. The loss and shock is unbelievable. I know how it feels, but I have no quick or easy ways to heal a broken heart. I do, however, have words of comfort and encouragement. You’ll find support and compassion in the comments left by other readers. You are not alone.
How do you cope with shock when someone you love says they aren’t in love with you? I felt like I’d die when it happened to me. My heart was broken. I thought I’d never get over the shock, emptiness or loneliness. I was numb. I couldn’t believe it when the man I loved said he didn’t love me anymore. It was really painful…but I got through it. I was forced to rebuild, to start over. And here I am to help, comfort, and encourage you as you adjust to the reality that he doesn’t love you anymore. You will feel happy and whole again. This, too, shall pass.
“Let there be spaces in your togetherness,” said Khalil Gibran. “And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.” That’s one tip for when he stops loving you: take a step back and let the air flow between you. Take another deep breath, and know that you are loved.
Below, I describe how healthy and good it means to have spaces in your togetherness. This is an important practice when you’re going through a breakup – and it’s even more important when you’re in a new relationship! And believe me, you will be in a new relationship again one day. For now, remember that if you can set your boyfriend or husband free – especially when he has told you in multiple ways that does not love you anymore – you yourself will be set free.
Sometimes you just have to let go, especially when he says he fell out of love with you.
9 Ways to Cope When He Says He Doesn’t Love You
I won’t tell you to try to forget about him; it’s impossible to forget about someone you love. But you can let go. These tips will show you how to grieve and take care of yourself. Learning how to cope with the pain of rejection and and move forward in your life isn’t easy, but it the healthiest thing to do when a man says he no longer loves you.
Grieving, healing, and starting over is a process. It takes time. You may find yourself moving forward and then falling back into your old patterns. That’s okay! That’s how the healing process works. Allow yourself to grieve the end of your relationship in your own way, at your own pace. When you are ready, you will start finding ways to rebuild your life.
1. Express how you feel in order to heal
Give yourself time to go through the natural stages of grief. You may still be in shock – you may feel unable to believe that he doesn’t love you. Or maybe you always knew deep down that he wasn’t fully committed to you.
Allow yourself space, privacy, and time to cry and work through your sadness, disbelief, anger, and hurt. Don’t rush yourself through this process. Write in your journal, listen to sad songs about breakups, and let your heart break. You need to move through the pain before you can start to heal. Experiencing the pain IS healing and it will help you mend your broken heart, even though it hurts so much when a husband or boyfriend says he doesn’t love you anymore.
2. Focus on yourself – not on him
You may find yourself thinking about him constantly. What is he doing, why did he fall out of love with you, where is he now, who is he spending time with? What caused him to stop loving you, and when did he fall out of love? While those questions and feelings are natural, they are unanswerable. It’s a waste of time and energy to endlessly ruminate, obsess, and talk about him.
Instead, accept that it is time to start rebuilding your self-image and identity. Learn what it means to truly love and care for yourself. Right now, your top priority is healing and letting go of someone who doesn’t want you in his life right now. It hurts and it is very sad…but if you accept this breakup for what it is, you will heal.
3. Give yourself – and him – space to heal and breathe
It hurts, but you will heal if you accept the truth: he said he doesn’t love you anymore. Whether or not he means it isn’t your business. He may be confused, unhealthy, addicted – who knows? It just means his feelings have changed. He fell out of love not because of anything you are, or did, or said…but because of things he may not even be aware of.
When a man says he’s not in love with you, you can’t know what he is truly thinking or feeling. The healthiest thing you can do is accept how he feels. More importantly, pay attention to how you think and feel. Take a step back from him and your relationship. Your instinct may be to move closer and try to win him back, but you will lose yourself in the process. You’ll also send him running farther away. Find your self-identity. Figure out who you are apart from your marriage, relationship, kids, and relatives. Give yourself room to breathe.
4. Learn how to let go
I wrote How to Let Go of Someone You Love after my sister stopped talking to me. I was in so much pain – I couldn’t seem to let her go – so I interviewed counselors and grief experts about grieving and letting go. I wanted to learn how to deal with the pain when someone says they don’t love you anymore.
The best way to get through something like the pain of heartbreak is to refuse to go through it alone. Instead of continuing to fight your way through the brambles and dark patches, take my hand. Let’s walk each other home.
May you learn that accepting what your boyfriend or husband says is true. He doesn’t love you anymore, and he needs to move on. I pray that you’ll find yourself filled with strength, faith, hope, and peace that surpasses all understanding. May you find solace even as you’re wading through the grief and pain that your relationship is over.
5. Look at your relationship objectively
You’ve been invested in this marriage or relationship for years; now, you need to look at it objectively, with your mind and gut (not your heart). Is this the relationship you wanted for yourself, before you met him?
Would you want your daughter, sister, or best friend to be in this relationship? Does your partner willingly meet your needs and respect your wishes? Do you do the same for him? If you had to do it all over again, ask yourself if you’d choose him again as your partner. That may help you look at your relationship and decide if you want to stay or leave.
6. Learn what “Everything Belongs” means
Recently, I discovered two phrases that soothe my soul when something falls flat or spirals out of control…
- Everything Belongs
- Just So
The first comes from Richard Rohr’s Everything Belongs: The Gift of Contemplative Prayer, which describes how to find spirituality in daily life. It’s a deep and thick book – and the title alone is worth chewing on.
“Everything belongs” means that all the heartbreak and all the beauty in the world – and in our lives – is supposed to be here. Our earth is breathtaking and beautiful, and heartbreaking and lonely. Our lives are bittersweet, filled with pain and joy, loss and blessings. Every painful moment and joyous experience is in its place.
We are in our places, exactly as planned. We don’t always feel fantastic, and we haven’t always chosen the things that happen to us, but…everything belongs. Even a man who says he doesn’t love you anymore – even that belongs in your life right now.
7. Practice saying “Just So” every time you feel the pain
Amor Towles’ book A Gentleman in Moscow is the source of my other new favorite phrase: “just so.” In it, a wealthy Russian count is forced to live under house arrest in an old hotel – and yet he has the most charming, lighthearted, positive perspective on life.
Get this: he gets out of bed one morning and cracks his head on the rafter of the ceiling. And what does he do?
“Just so,” he says amiably, and off he goes to fetch his breakfast.
Just So. Because Everything Belongs.
Practice this today. When you’re struggling to accept a loss, when you need words of comfort, when you’re dealing with career changes and computer problems and broken dishwashers and funeral preparations and fears that a relationship isn’t worth fighting for…practice acceptance and surrender.
Feel the difference between saying “just so” because everything belongs (the lightness of acceptance), versus fighting against the reality that you wish wasn’t happening (crushed by the burden of the futility and pain of resistance). Just so, my friend, because everything belongs.
8. Find ways to make him fall in love with you again?
If you feel like you can’t live without him, read I Love You, but I’m Not IN Love with You: 7 Steps to Saving Your Relationship. Author Andrew Marshal is a couples counselor who can help you see if your relationship can be saved – even when a boyfriend or husband says he’s not in love with you.
But make no mistake about it: this book is a difficult read. It forces you to take the rose colored glasses off and really look at your relationship – and your part in it. Here’s what one husband said about I Love You, but I’m Not IN Love with You: “I had more than one epiphany reading the early chapters, and more than once thought to myself ‘no wonder things are the way they are!’ I understand why my wife said she doesn’t love me anymore, and I am working to change things.”
It doesn’t matter where you live, how old you are, how much money you make or what you look like. This heartbreak – someone you love saying “I love you but I’m not in love with you” – can happen to anyone.
9. Tell your story
What is your experience – how did your boyfriend or husband say he doesn’t love you anymore? I welcome you to share your story below. I can’t offer advice or tell you how to get him to fall in love with you again, but sometimes writing brings clarity and insight. Writing can help you heal, help you figure out what happened in your relationship. You may never find all the answers, but you can work through the questions.
Sometimes couples go through ups and downs, peaks and valleys…and it’s possible that this is just a difficult stage of your relationship. But even if you decide that you want to get him back, don’t pursue him right away. Give him time and space to think, to miss you, and to think about life without you.
If you’re still in shock, read How Do You Heal From the Shock of a Sudden Breakup?