How to Get Over a Breakup When You Don’t Have Closure

Knowing how to get over a breakup isn’t simple – and it’s even more difficult when you don’t have closure in your relationship. These tips are inspired by a reader who can’t accept that her relationship is over because she and her ex didn’t have closure.

The most important thing to remember about getting over a breakup is that you’ll never truly be “over it.” You lose a piece of your heart when you lose someone you love. But, this doesn’t mean you’ll never be happy again…it just means your heart has been bruised, and you need to re-learn how to open yourself to loving fully and deeply again.

Relationship closure is helpful because it allows you to say good-bye. If you aren’t sure what “relationship closure” is, read How to Heal Your Heart Without Relationship Closure. Below, I briefly describe what it is and offer a few ideas for getting over a breakup when you haven’t had a chance to properly end your relationship.

There are no easy answers or quick tips on how to heal from a break up without closure. You need to grieve the end of your relationship, and give yourself time to heal.

What is Relationship Closure?

Relationship closure is when you – whether you’re a married partner, boyfriend or girlfriend, disgruntled colleague, or unhappy family member – don’t discuss why your love relationship ended.

How to Get Over a Breakup When You Don't Have Closure

How to Get Over a Breakup Without Relationship Closure

Healthy closure in a relationship involves honest, healthy, open-minded, nonjudgmental communication. In my article about letting go of someone you love, a reader said she doesn’t feel she has closure. Her fiancé of nine years wasn’t honest about why their relationship ended.

Closure can teach you why your relationship didn’t work out, which helps with letting go of an ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, or spouse. Closure can help you learn from the mistakes you made. It helps you heal by setting your mind at ease about how your love relationship unfolded.

Even if you made mistakes and were part of the reason your relationship failed, closure can make you stronger by preparing you for future love relationships. Denying an ex closure when you’re breaking up is worse than unhealthy: it’s damaging and destructive. Healing comes faster and easier when you’ve had a chance to say goodbye.

Relationship Closure is Difficult Because…

When you’re the one who wants to let go, you may find it easier to avoid talking about it. It’s natural for people to want to avoid pain. Relationship closure is difficult because it’s painful to talk about weaknesses and faults.

Closure can involve more pain than just letting someone go without explanation…which is, I think, what my reader’s fiancé was doing when he ended the relationship. He was trying to avoid causing her — and himself — more pain. It’s unfortunate that we’re not taught how to break up with people we love!

Getting Over a Breakup Without Relationship Closure

If this is your first breakup, you may find Words of Comfort When Your Heart is Broken helpful.

Here are a few practical tips on how to let go of an ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, or spouse without closure…

Write a letter to your ex, expressing yourself fully

Don’t send the letter right away (if ever). The letter can be as long as you need; you can add to it for days or weeks. The act of writing your feelings and thoughts – and how the break up affected you – is an important part of the healing process.

Change your environment

If your ex moved out of the house, you might consider finding a new place to live. You might even consider moving to a different state or province. Getting away from the environment you and your ex were together in will help you see life differently.

Explore a different lifestyle

My reader mentioned that she worked hard on her career and didn’t leave room for hobbies or activities in her life. Part of getting over a break up without relationship closure is making time to do things you’ve always been interested in, but never took time for.

Make new friends

You don’t need to abandon your old friends to find relationship closure. However, you may find it refreshing to build new friendships with people who don’t know you from your relationship days. You may not feel like you have the energy to make new friends yet, but keep it in the back of your mind.

Work on healing without closure with a counselor

I’m a huge fan of counseling because therapists help you see yourself, your life, and your relationships objectively. A counselor can help you see why you’re having trouble letting go of an ex, and help you learn to find closure on your own. It’s really important to find a counselor who you feel comfortable and healthy with, so try to talk to at least three before embarking on therapy.

Recognize that you are responsible for your feelings

Nobody can make you feel anything. When you feel any emotion, you can choose whether to let that feeling sweep you away or derail it and put a more positive emotion in place. Those feelings of worthlessness or being unlovable are emotions you have control over – you do not have to feel that way.

Learn how to let go of someone you love

How to Get Over a Breakup When You Without Relationship ClosureIn How to Let Go of Someone You Love: 3 Powerful Secrets and 75 Tips for Healing Your Heart, I share what I learned when I had to say good-bye to my sister. Without relationship closure, it was one of the most painful things I’ve experienced (after finding out that my husband and I can’t have kids).

One way to heal after a breakup without closure is to focus on the benefits of being single. What do you like about your new life? There must be ONE good thing about it.

If you have any thoughts on how to get over a break up when you don’t have closure, please comment below. I can’t offer counseling or advice, but it may help you to share what you’re experiencing.

Give yourself time to heal, because it really does only take a couple seconds to say “Hello”…and forever to say “Goodbye.”


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120 thoughts on “How to Get Over a Breakup When You Don’t Have Closure”

  1. I dated someone long distance for a little over a year. We talked about getting married frequently and me moving across the country to close the distance. I had family near him so it wasn’t completely irrational.It had been a year since he had come to visit me, as I had been making the visits. We decided it was time to discuss the possibility of me moving in with family while I relocate in that state. A month before his scheduled visit he informs me that he lied to me about having an std. He was my first, he did not come see me to apologize, offer to pay for any screenings or anything, he also had been with me unprotected and didn’t say a word. He simply wanted me to be okay with it. I went from making plans for his visit and my move to breaking up. Being long distance, the last time I saw him was a year ago for our anniversary. He wrote me an apology email 4 months after I broke it off but I’ve just accepted that closure is something I won’t ever have.

  2. Try 9 years and one day left to start a new job and never heard from him since. I texted no response, nothing like i never mattered or existed. How easy it was to just walk away floors me!!!

  3. I was in a relationship with my ex boyfriend for 7 months. It wasn’t that long of a relationship but it was serious (or at least to me it was). We talked about marriage and our future and everything. He told me that his mom wouldn’t want him to bring anyone else to meet her unless he was marrying them, so he brought me home to meet his mom. From the beginning, there were lies coming out his mouth, well not really lies but he has made promises that he wouldn’t keep. I was skeptical about him at first but I ignore my instinct because I didn’t want to miss out on him the the one and I thought he was the one. In May 2018, he was promised me that we would go to Disney World for vacation as I have never been before. However, at the last minute he told me that he wanted to go to Thailand alone. I was devastated and upset and I told him I didn’t want him to go without me and he kept pushing it and told me how he’s never been out of the country before and that his girlfriend wouldn’t let him go. He guilt tripped me and I finally told him that if he really needs to go to figure out whatever he needs to figure out then he should. He left and I was left with trying to figure out what I could do for an entire week without him. I took off work for him and everything. When he came back I ran back into his arms and everything was fine. I forgave him. Then few weeks later he told he had to leave again because something came up and he had to deal with it. I was left devastated again and I was ready to break up with him when he came back. But when he came back I forgave him. We were hanging out one night at his apartment and suddenly someone was at the door. We weren’t expecting anyone and he told me to stay in his room. He went out to see who it was and it was one of he exes whom described at crazy. She wouldn’t go away when he told her to and barged into the apartment. She was crying and kept asking him if he was cheating on her which doesn’t make any sense if they’re broken up right? He told me that she claimed she was pregnant with his baby and he let her stay at his place for a few days without my knowledge, this was when he left me for the second time. I wasn’t even angry when he told that, I really didn’t know how to feel because of everything that’s happened before. Somewhere in my heart I knew that I wasn’t with someone who was honest with me. Everything was very blurry to me at this point I felt like I didn’t know who I was with. A couple of weeks later I reactivated my instagram and found out that he uploaded a picture with another woman in Thailand. At that moment I realized exactly why he left me to go Thailand and my body went numb. I was numb everywhere. I was devastated. I was broken and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I immediately texted him the picture of them together and I broke up with him. I messaged the girl and told her that he was cheating. She told me that they’ve have been together for a year. She also found out he has cheated her before with 3 different girls and yet she chose to stay with him because she loved him. I didn’t have a choice, I had to break up with him because he has chosen her. I have too much respect for myself to stay with someone who could manipulate me at any moment. It was hard but I knew I was making g the right decision. He called me to say sorry for everything I asked him why he did what he did, he said he didn’t know. He wouldn’t give me an explanation and that the time I didn’t really care for one because I just wanted to get out. I texted him a few times after that but he didn’t reply so I just let it go and find closure on my own. It’s been a month and I’m still depressed over it and I have talked about this to my friends but it hasn’t help really. My brain knows that I have to get over him the whole situation and I know I will get over it but my heart is still in pain and I don’t know how to tell my heart to stop hurting. I act like I’m over it but I’m not. I’m still sad. I feel so lifeless and I don’t know if anyone could understand how I feel. I’ve had my heart broken before but not like this. I started to get angry at myself for ignoring my intuition and how blind I was and how naive I was for believing in everything he said and for trusting him so much with my heart. I know it will get better and I know I will get over this but not now. I keep myself busy by going out with my friends and reading books and picking up other things to keep my mind off of it but I keep visiting it again. I want to forgive him and I know I will forgive him. When I forgive him though it’s not for him but for me. I want to forgive him so I can forgive myself so that I could move on.

  4. My ex boyfriend and i, our relationship only lasted 3 months. It was a sexual relationship as well but i broke it off because i am a drug free, non smoker, smoke free, non alcoholc, Career woman where he is a drinker, smokes weed, cigarettes and so on. He is a sick man, on dialysis and on disability. We have absolutely nothing in common. But i fell in love with him. Maybe i was just so lonely and desperate and needed to be in a man’s arms since it has been 13 years since i been with a man after my divorce. I know i tried to be the best girlfriend i could be to my boyfriend such as cleaning his house, cooking him meals, transporting him back and forth to dialysis, buying his cigarettes and food and so on and he appeared to be the most unappreciative, ungrateful person i have ever known. He took me for granted and i found that i was putting a lot more into this relationship than he was. I found i didn’t like the person he was and i knew i couldn’t change him so i got very scared and broke it off. Because of my many years and years of physical and mental abuse from ex spouses and broken unhealthy relationships i kept my guard up. But with all that being said, i’m still in love with him but he is completely ignoring me. We broke up 2 months ago and there has been no contact and whats hard is he lives just down the hall from me. He is keeping himself very invisible to me. I need closure but i don’t know what to do. I can’t afford to move out right now and i am not looking to do a rebound relationship even through he did it to me by sending one of his crack addict girlfriend to my apartment to borrow something. He admitted to me he never had a woman like me before and he didn’t know how to deal with a woman like me. So this is where i am. I can’t get him off my mind. He is even in my dreams. I know i did the right thing by breaking it off but i am dealing with pain, depression, bitterness and anger because i feel like he used me to his advantage and i really thought i was done picking the wrong man. He was not honest with me from the beginning cause i asked him if he was married and he told me NO. Well, i did a background check on him and found out he is still married. He flat out lied to me and i really believed him but instead he is the biggest liar i ever seen. So i know i stepped into this out of desperation and i feel so nasty and betrayed cause i don’t do married men. I don’t believe. In that. I will be talking to my counselor next week and boy! Do i have a lot to tell her. Thank you!

  5. Unwisely, my boyfriend (ex,I suppose), began dating in March this year, while he was still apparently ending things with his then-girlfriend. It started out slowly, but the more time we spent together, the more we grew inseparable. We stayed together for 6 months but had many arguments over small matters. We had both been very hurt and deceived by previous partners, which led to a lot of insecurity from both sides. Four days ago, his contract in our city ended and he traveled back to his hometown, two hours flight away. This would be the same area in which his ex lives. I asked him if we could keep our communication frequent, to which he agreed, and we had plans that I’d visit him in two weeks, but the moment he arrived in his hometown, he changed his phone number and disappeared from my life instantly. The confusion, hurt and anxiety this has caused me is unparalleled to anything I’ve felt before. We had so much love, at least it seemed so. I wish and I’ve been praying to gain some understanding , but all I can think is that he’s been using me and has left for his ex again. It hurts more than anything to have no understanding and for this to come so out of the blue with absolutely no warning.

  6. I have been with my fiance for two years and we were planning to get married in October 2017. He broke up with me last year and after no contact for a month. He reached out we reconnected in March. Five months later we were engaged. He broke up with me in May 2017 again. I am devastated. He says he doesn’t know why. This wld b his third marriage and he is 15 years older than me. It hurts so bad. He won’t give me closure.

  7. Me and my girlfriend dated for 11 months but then she told me she wanted to be on her own and needed time to find herself and be happy on her own without being tied to anything. She said the last few months of our relationship she felt different and was unsure of her feelings. She got this new job in the last couple
    Months and it was totally away from her career path and it was stressingHer out and it was hard for her to have a normal
    Life. I figured this was the a real
    Reason why our relationship Took a turn. She also is 21 going on 22 finishing school up this month. She quit that job the day after we broke up. Her wanting to be on her own was the truth she said there wasn’t anything else she was hiding and this is honestly how she truly felt. She even said she still cared about me and loved me.

    I was accepting of the way she felt to make her happy but it has been killing me every single day and I feel disrespected of my own feelings. I want to get back with her but don’t know what to do. We haven’t cut off all contact. I go to the same gym as her and have talked to her a few times. A few times we talked normally without discussing the relationship, wished her goodluck on her new job, and wished her a happy Easter.

    The other two times we talked we discussed the relationship and she got aggravated explaining herself again. I’m having trouble seeing her at the gym and being normal Around her because I still have the pain in my heart and I can tell she’s trying to be distant and doesn’t want to lead me on. I told her it’s tough for me to see her and be normal with her and she understood with the feelings still intact .

    i know I should probably avoid the gym when she’s there. We are still friends on Facebook and instagram but it’s tough to not look at her stuff. I still want her back but don’t know what to do and I am trying to be the friendly, nice guy but it’s hurting me deeply inside to not be with her anymore.

    What should I do if I ever want to have a chance with her again?

  8. What if you have done EVERY oneffort of the above suggestions and it still doesn’t work? After the abuse and pain my husband put me through I can’t even believe I still love him. I just can’t seem to let go. It’s killing me.. he walked out 8yrs ago.. I still cry every day.. 🙁
    I feel so stupid

    1. Wow…8 years? Why would you allow this worthless man to have so much control over your heart. it’s not that you love him that’s hurting you….its that he rejected you! Rejection is something that no one ever gets through….because it makes you feel worthless. But your not and I’m pretty sure he’s not thinking of you one bit and has moved on to do the same thing to another person. It’s the control that you have given him for so many years. You have denied yourself the happiness that we all deserve. You need to open up and allow someone special to come into your life. If you don’t you will wither away and die a very lonely person and that’s something you don’t want to do. No one deserves to have this rejection take up so much of your time. Start living life and live again… are dead at this time, give yourself a new life and start fresh. You need to ask out loud the type of man you want…..and he will come to you, I promise you this…..

  9. I don’t know if this counts as getting closure or not because it was most likely a lie and I’m very aware of it.

    Boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me five days ago (I know it wasn’t that long of a relationship, but it was my first very serious one and it feels awful anyway)

    We meet at school, me being a year older than him (25 – 24).

    He knew since the beginning I’d been very hurt in he past and that caused me to develop trust issues and insecurities so I was scared to enter the relationship at first, but he always told me he would never do anything to harm me. We promised not to lie to each other as that was the foundation to any healthy relationship.

    He was so perfect for me and I fell hard for him and he did for me too real quick. Things got fast from there we felt an instant connection and trusted each other in no time, it was strange but it felt right. He was always the one taking the big steps, from asking me out to saying I love you first to asking to meet the parents *and offering me to meet his – and so on. I was over the moon.

    First 3 months and a half were blissful in every sense, but things got a bit rocky soon after that, as my insecurities started to come out. We talked and worked through it and things were fine again for about a month.

    Then a few days after a little misunderstanding that supposedly got resolved he broke up with me for he first time. He said he loved me and that i did nothing wrong, but that he felt he needed time to take care of himself before he could be with someone else and he felt a bit of pressure to make things work.

    It was unexpected but I was aware maybe it was because our fight and I took my share responsability for it. I accepted it after a bit of drama and that was it.

    I cried for three days until that night he texted me how I was doing and when I asked why he was asking that he replied he still cared.

    We talked over the phone and he said he made a huge mistake by pushing me away. Je was almost crying and admitted all of the things he said to me were indeed true, but he realized he didn’t had to face them all alone and he wanted to be with me and make things work. I said I was scared of it happening again, he assured me it would not.

    After thinking about it for a day or two i got back with him.

    But I was/am devastated. I couldn’t even cry for three days due to the shock. Why would he do this to me or any person???? Even knowing what I have been through before????

    The guy I knew would never do that, but somehow it happened.

  10. So good reading everyone’s stories! Makes me feel less absurd for not being able to let go of my relationship that ended without closure.

    When I was about to graduate college, I met this guy. It was long distance but wow. I never felt anything like it. I worshiped him, and was head over heels for this man. Unfortunately I was also young and had never dated before and I was unable to express my emotions. He was so romantic, and I’ve never felt joy like I did with him. But we were apart and I was going crazy never seeing him, I became an emotional wreck. But still I thought things were fine. I was determined to go visit him and maybe stay with him on a permanent basis. I remember our last conversation, he told me how sweet I was.

    A week later? I never heard from him again. Ever. He was overseas on a business trip so I told myself he just had no service. Weeks passed though and I grew increasingly desperate. I emailed and called and texted. I basically fell apart. I thought he died or something. I barely made it through work, I was sobbing in the bathroom until I vomited. I became a ball of crazy and angst that I didn’t recognize. And still, no word from him. That was 9 years ago and I never heard from him again. I found his linked in profile online, updated…obviously he didn’t die. But he never replied. I moved on, but still to this day? If I think about it I sob. I just wanted warning. Nothing cruel he could have said would have been worse than the not knowing. I had no clue what happened so I blamed myself. I hated myself, I beat myself up because I wasn’t experienced enough to know how to fix things when we were together. It took years to forgive myself.

    Just last week after not thinking about him in a couple of years, all of the sudden I had a dream about him. I woke up crying. I decided to try again to contact him; I sent him a message online just simply asking for response. Why do people do this?? Just tell people you’re leaving. Give them peace. Or something to be angry at. Something. Leaving with no word? it is devastating.

  11. LDR boyfriend of a year, and first person I’ve ever loved, won’t… break up with me or remove me from his life but also won’t talk to me at all. He told me in January briefly, without much explanation, that he needed a long, indeterminate break (but not a breakUP and there were indications of continued mutual affection afterwards) while he sorted his life out and I know he has a lot on his plate and with me being so far and our schedules being… difficult to coordinate, I understand. We’d talk on and off a little as friends for a while. I just liked knowing what he was up to and how his progress was going, even just sharing jokes. There was a lot he didn’t tell me but. We talked some.

    But he’s just stopped talking to me outright in the last two weeks (a little after what would have been our one-yr anniversary, though he did speak to me on that week so if it’s about that it’s a little late). I asked him if I’d done something wrong and he never said anything at all. I just said I’d stop disturbing him.

    To top it off I lost my job recently, which he never indicated mattered to him at all, and have had a rough time connecting with my friends so it’s been very very lonely. A lot of things with no closure piled up at once and it’s the hardest it’s ever been. The worst part is not really knowing if I should actually be trying to move on or if he’s just not handling his end of things well and is afraid to ask for support or something (which is something he’s done in the past). We had so many shared interests and still do. And it’s hard to separate him/us from the things I enjoy so everything is a reminder. And while I’m unemployed, I have nothing to focus on or draw my attention.

    Reading all this, I know if someone else told it to me I’d tell them to do the breaking up for him and move on because I don’t think it’s fair that I’m kept so far out of the loop. But somehow it’s harder when I’m a part of the situation.

    1. I’m so sorry about what’s happened to you. I don’t have much advice on how to get relationship closure, but to either go straight to him and see if he’ll talk face to face or to actually break up with him but both will be very hard.. I just hope it all works out big hugs. I hope you get through it and also one last thing…if you don’t think that communicating with him is the best thing right now focus more on your life and wait for him.. apply for some jobs, phone up your friends and arrange to do something just try and do the little things for yourself, good luck xx ☺️

  12. My first time ever being in love, and my fiance woke up one morning after 3 years and told me he wanted to be single and free. We broke up and now I’m left trying to move on without closure. I miss our relationship, even though he even moved in with another woman. We’ve only been separated for 7 months, I need help finding closure after breaking up!

  13. My 7 year relationship came to an end, and I’m learning how to deal with a breakup without closure. At 3am I was woke by 3 police officers and my common law wife, who in the middle of the night wanted me out of the house and out of our relationship. We have 4 children, the 3 oldest which are her children from previous relationships,and are my Step children for 7 years.
    I was given no reasons as to why she left, other than she wasn’t happy. We had stress from family n friends, our oldest my step daughter who is 16 and who has no contact from her birth father, she resented me being there. I understood and tried to work through it with her, as I love her dearly and always will. My other 2 step girls and I hit it off well from the beginning and built a strong loving bond. I was close to our 5year old daughter, I was in her life every day from her birth, I burped, fed and clothed her. I taught her to count to 100 and watched tv shows with her and her sisters we red books,went to the park.
    They were everything I wanted and now we’re all broken up and no emotional closure. My ex wife is with a new man and won’t let me see or visit the children! Which tears my heart out every moment of every day, I suggested family – marriage counselling to please help us save rebuild our marriage.
    She’s unwilling, I am left with only silence and, I rented an apartment so I can see the children with visits. But my ex won’t allow visitation. We never had any violence, I never called her names even now I talk with her respectfullly. I Still Love her dearly and always will. Now I’m lost, I go to counselling to try and heal, but without truthful closure with or from her its a emotionally a rollercoaster. I’m a hopeless romantic, lost and adrift …. live, love and laugh! xoxo

    1. Hey I feel the same. I went through the same pretty much to a tee. I don’t know what to do with myself I miss her like crazy. She had 3 kids that I have raised and I had 3 from a previous marriage. I am at a loss. Some days I don’t like to get out of bed I get 3 hrs of sleep every night that’s it. I tried to reach out to her and I don’t get a respond. She gave me a hug and kiss and said bye wtf. Any comments would Surely help

  14. I have been with my ex over 4 1/2 years! The first 6 months was the most amazing thing ever! As I grew to knew him the relationship somehow turned….very quickly. I was so desperate to have what I felt the first 6 months I stayed…. and stayed… and stayed! Yes, 4 1/2 years. The relationship became one sided (me). He has been verbally abusive, a time bomb waiting to go off! And at times hes did “GO OFF” on me. I never knew if it was joke around time or a in a split moment he would “snap” – It would be anything… “can we watch something else- on t.v” making the wrong move on a card game, saying something he didn’t like to his kids (never anything mean – just anytime I spoke)!!! I could go on and on…. I became somewhat trapped… I didn’t know why this man couldn’t respect me. Yes 4 1/2 years. I hung in there.. for some reason I believed things would change. THEY NEVER DID. In fact, he began to say negative things about me to his kids, family and friends. He didn’t think I knew…but I’ve overheard and people would tell me. AGAIN, I stayed and stayed. As I vent all this, I feel like a needy fool! Tim, is an abusive bully!!! There I said it. I need / want to find good and GREAT in this breakup. NEVER go back … he will contact me, eventually! He always does. We have broken up over 15 times in our relationship! He always comes back. The problem is I BELIEVE HIM. I believe he loves me and is afraid to let me go. But, I HAVE TO GO! This last break up was ME. He yelled at me for wanting to watch something else on T.V. He went NUTS!!!! He kicked me out of the house.. threw all of my things out – There has been no communication on either side since. HE WILL contact me. I Will not go back. This man is evil, cruel and abusive. Thanks for reading –

  15. Thank you for these tips on how to get over a breakup when you don’t have closure in your relationship. Any time you are depressed, improving yourself helps greatly. Don’t sit and watch TV and then sleep in late! Get out and do something that will make you feel like you’ve accomplished something. Take a class, go hiking, fix something you’ve been putting off.

    Also, don’t binge eat. If you start gaining weight, you won’t feel good about yourself. You’ll lose your confidence. Confidence is a quality that is extremely attractive.

  16. I experienced this recently, not having closure is horrible. The thing is I think its worth mentioning two relationships I was involved in because they were polar opposites, both ended and the reasons why they ended were different and this had an impact on how fast and different getting over the breakup was.

    The first one worth mentioning was with someone who loved me and would have stayed with me forever, the problem was we argued about everything, throughout the relationship we talked about our problems and tried to fix them. I eventually decided I couldn’t take anymore and decided to end it, even then we talked one final time about why it ended and at the end of the conversation it had both of us saying that we loved each other. It was painful for a short while, I was in depression for a few months but not because we broke up, I was just getting over how sad I was for so long so the actual acceptance of it was over in a few days, and after a few weeks I met someone else. This is when it gets different.

    This new relationship was wonderful, we had everything in common, rarely argued, I did feel though she had trouble talking to me if she was upset in anyway about the simplest of things. However, it wasn’t long before I proposed, I met her family and they were happy for me to marry their daughter. However, it did mean her moving and if I am honest with myself, I don’t think she was willing to leave her friends and family behind even for a short time as she knew my job would end eventually. We lived quite far apart, I had just bought a property and she was trying to see if she could make it to the house warming party, at the weekend she stayed at some friends, and we were supposed to talk on Skype, she was ready to take my call but as I tried I got to answer, I thought it was a technical glitch and tried a few more times. On Monday she sent me a message that after some thought it was over, no explanation, even know I can guess what the reasons were and even though we have made peace with one another and can talk to each other again, this still feels like the hardest break up I’ve ever had to deal with. Having to guess why it ended, never being 100% certain, becomes very difficult to recover from. The fact that we were months away from spending the rest of our lives together makes it much harder. It’s been a few weeks, and I’ve started looking again, but it’s still painful, I keep thinking she is going to contact me out of the blue saying she made a mistake. I keep feeling the need to go for long walks and have cried several times whereas in my previous relationship, I only needed to cry once.

    1. Just corrections to my bad spelling in this part, the fact that I can write so much and get my English wrong in the way that I have, shows that I am still trying to recover from this.

      “she was ready to take my call but as I tried I got “no” answer, I thought it was a technical glitch and tried a few more times. On Monday she sent me a message that after some thought it was over, no explanation, even “though” I can……..”

  17. My relationship with my ex-gf was amazing, At the start I am so happy with her, She was my everything I do anything for her. I am ready to commit we promised alot of thing for each other and the future. When I broke up with her, she was the one initiated and I can’t do anything about it. She said she won’t be having any relationship but she have one after she blocked me from my social media. I am so sad by her action. Everything was fine until she keep on picking on me and stuff. Our first kiss was amazing we waited until the right moment. But when she was with this guy even when their relationship aren’t official they kissed already. I feel so cheated by the thing we said in the past and all the promises. I find myself giving up on relationship and will not love anyone like I loved my ex. i hoped she can have the greatest that’s all. I am just sad hopeless romantic man. I

  18. I’ve been feeling rotten about a relationship that took a long time to develop with an ex colleague. I really adore him but he left because of so many things going on but I really think He is just that kind of guy who moves fast. reading all of these experiences is helpful and makes me realize that I need to really keep developing myself. I believe that if I can become strong in myself I can find the right partner. I have a lot of work to do but it’s ok. The journey can be fun.

  19. Lost in California

    I was in a relationship when I was younger, mid teens. During that time we had a great time. We never had sex or anything, we just made out. He was about 4 years older which was normal for teen girls my age to date older guys then. We dated for about 6 months and we broke up because I was young and stupid and accused him of cheating on me.

    Then, years later, when I was between 18 to 20 years old I went over to his house with a bottle of booze and I had one goal in mind. We did and I was extremely drunk. He wanted me to stay, but I left because he was in between places and was staying at his parent’s house. I didn’t want them to think I was a slut. I think I remember he didn’t want me to drive because we had been drinking, but stupid me insisted. I don’t remember leaving a number. I just remember leaving. Now, 30-something years later after several failed relationships, having kids, and even a divorce I can’t stop thinking about him and it’s driving me nuts. I have no interest in dating or relationships because I want to get the kids all out of the house before this happens.

    I’ve tried to stop thinking about him. I’ve tried to fill my time with other things, but when it’s quiet and nothing else is entering my mind I get lost. I even saw a picture of him and he doesn’t even look the same yet I don’t care. It’s driving me nuts.

    Any suggestions? I want to call just to get closure and see why we never tried again. I’m pretty sure he is divorced and not remarried, but I would hate myself if he was married again and I called and caused a problem. That is NOT what I want to do. I want him to be happy whatever he’s doing. So maybe I can just forget somehow? Chalk it up as a good memory and move on? I don’t want to forget, but I don’t want to hold on to some angst that will never be cured either.

  20. I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of almost a year. I think just writing down my thoughts will be of help. Our relationship was a bit different because we actually dated in middle and high school. He was the first person I was ever with. We broke up not long after that because I just had this feeling he was going to break my heart. It was 28 years later and we reconnected Facebook. He has a twin brother and when we were in school I was fairly new and he and his brother were very popular. When we started talking again he revealed to me how much I had an impact on his life and that I was really the only girl he’d ever loved. Even one marriage and one long relationship later. We hit it off immediately, just like back then. The only down fall was I had moved away from our home town many years before so we lived in separate states. At that time that didn’t matter. We spoke every night for hours (just like in highschool). It seemed we had so much in common. He planned a trip to come see me and it was wonderful. He decided then that he wanted to move where I lived. It’s hard to think about that. It seems everything was against us at that point. His exes (whom he had children with) did not make it easy. It’s hard for me to admit but I don’t think he was honest with me about everything that was happening. Needless to say, he did not move. After it was clear he wasn’t going to be able to move he disappeared for three days. That really should have been my first and only clue to move on. I was devastated. Finally his brother wrote me and said that he had taken off (which I don’t know if is true either). He did eventually get in touch with me and apologized over and over and said he just needed to clear his head because of all that had happened. Things did take a turn after that. I tried to keep things going. He claimed he loved me immensely. We saw each other a few more times and they were all wonderful but I got the sense more and more that he was pulling away. He started a new job and yes it takes alot of his time and attention but it’s like he has used it as a way to really let go. I voiced my concerns to him and told him I felt like I had no other choice but to let go myself. I tried to explain in detail my concerns through and email (as I was hardly able to talk to him on the phone anymore) and that was it. He did say he needed a few days and he would talk to me but I’ve heard nothing. I tried reaching out only to get nothing. So, yea, I’m moving on with no closure. And again, like his disappearance before, the silent treatment. I know that I don’t deserve that type of behavior but it doesn’t make it hurt any less!!

  21. Getting over a breakup when you don’t have relationship closure is so difficult – and it’s something we need to learn how to give ourselves. We can’t expect the person who left (my sister, in my case) to come back and help us say goodbye. They are able to just walk away.

    What has worked for you in the past? My grandmother died, and I was never able to say goodbye. What worked for me is to believe that we will meet again one day, and I will be able to tell her the things I wish I could’ve said in person. I also trust God to heal and restore relationships – even if I can’t see the direct result today.

    I believe God has a purpose, and that he is powerful. I believe He woudn’t allow anything to happen to me without a reason. I believe He loves me, and wants the best for me.

    This helps me let go of relationships that I haven’t found closure in.

  22. My relationship too had no closure.
    The guy left me for my best friend. I was so hurt but decided to remain silent and let them be. I felt i really needed an explanation but didn’t get any. Both of them had the guts to say hi once in a while especially after it happened. I need to get over it because 10 months later, I still feel i need an explanation. please help. how do I go about it?

  23. Please help!! I am at a loss.. My ex and I broke up a little over a month ago. I left him because he came home at 7 am after going out and I had felt very disrespected. We had been together over 2 yrs..Lived together for 1 and have a 5 mo old baby. I was kind of horrible in the relationship and feel so bad for that..Part of the reason for me leaving was to work on myself…My extreme jealousy, and depression..And I have left before for a night or so and he had always begged me to come back and we’ve worked things out. This whole time I was under the impression we would be working on trying to get back together..I had in the beginning sent him many “begging” mssgs saying I would change and do anything for him. He at 1st said he hoped so and was all for it..Then he said if we did get back together it would be a long time or else all of this would happen again. He was always still very jealous when I would mention going out or anything, and when I would see him to drop our baby off, he would call me “baby” still and hug me, tell me he loved me…Well…Last wk I started sending him “sexy” mssgs..and he responded well..When I went to pick up baby, he was all over me and we had sex. When it was over, he said “ok that didn’t happen”.. and didn’t mssg me. I was so hurt..I mssgd him “thanks for making me feel like a booty call” and he replied “I’m sorry it shouldn’t have happened. I feel bad”. Then I find out a few days later he went to the bar with a girl and left with her. He said he doesn’t have a gf and they just went to the bar together. He is still full of sooo much anger for all I did during our relationship. I did make many mistakes, a lot involved drugs which I now have help for and he just won’t stop telling me about how I ruined his life and “decided we were going to have a baby”.. He is an excellent father and was an amazing bf who I know i did ruin things with, and I see that so clearly now, if only I could go back. We just got into a heated txt fight and I said “go be with your ugly gf” to which he replied “you’re insane. The girl I’ve seen is much prettier than you Miss Insult”. This feels like my heart is being torn from my chest. We were so in love..said we were “soul mates” and going to grow old together..and he said he did mean everything he said, it just got ruined by soo many different things. I just want him back and my family. He wants me to get my stuff out of our apt now. He calls it “his” bc he told me I could quit my job to take care of baby and I did and he paid the bills. He has anger issues, but I do know I had a lot to do with them. He falls hard and fast for girls, and I’m so afraid I’m going to lose him forever. He is saying he is happier in 2 yrs than he has been bc he no longer has to answer to anyone who is miserable no matter what. I was miserable and selfish and treated him poorly..but we did love each other very much and I know he still cares. Please help..How do I proceed?? We always said both of our worst nightmares was having seperate homes for our baby and now we do and I just miss him so bad my heart hurts. I have been working on myself a great deal and am not depressed anymore and am trying to get my life back together for me and my baby. I have apologized countless times for my many mistakes in our relationship and it seems to make no difference. Idk what to do anymore.. He is the love of my life and I just want him back..He’s being so cold to me now..

  24. Hi everyone, i really need your help please, I have been in a relationship for 5 years – we live together he is my best friend, I love him so so much – I feel safe and happy when I am with him and we have so much fun (‘,) But something is missing – we do not do things together anymore – I always go to my friends and family alone, but I will join him with his – weekends away will also only be me unless it’s something he wants to do.(going alone is very uncomfortable – you want your partner with you!) I am a very adventurous person I want to live life but he doesn’t like the way I do it…. – is it wrong that I love him more than anything but can’t be with him? I spoke to him about it last night – my heart is breaking he is so sad I know he loves me very much – he is such a sweet heart and doesn’t deserve this! Please help me 

  25. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Thank you for being here, and sharing your experience. Your thoughts on how to get over a break up when you have no closure in a relationship are so helpful to others! I hope it helped you to write about your experience.

    Miriyiam, I wrote this article for you because your break up was a bit different. Your relationship was only 3 weeks long, and you broke up with him because he wasn’t paying enough attention to you because he started a new job.

    Here are a few thoughts on your situation:

    I can’t give advice on breakups, but I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.


  26. Was with her almost 7 yrs. Traveled alot. Lived together for 5 years. Did everything together. Hard break. Been broken up about 2 years. I’ve had a tough time getting past it. I’ve dated. I even was someone a few months. But wasn’t happy. I’ve been in a bad funk. Never got counseling, never believed in it or thought me of all people would need it. I kno I’m mentally strong (except this) I don’t talk about her, but I think those around kno Im still heartbroken. I think about it everyday. I don’t want to think or dwell about it, but I do. I was far from perfect and messed up more than a couple times. I loved her more than I let myself kno. But I still think I was so wronged. It took a year just stop shedding tears everyday alot. Although do I still well up sometimes . I’ve never wrote, or talked about this, especially on a forum. I just want out of this “down”

    1. 7 years for me and not one single phone call she left because I couldn’t love right, I was terrible, but now a year later I’m doing well but I can’t start something new because I feel like I’m waiting on her! My guilt and fears are so apparent. I wrote down some of my feelings. I hope to speak to her soon , i think whatever she has to say may help me continue on and love properly. I’m so afraid to contact her!

    2. I know why she left because or what I believe she left for, that isn’t the closure im seeking I really want to speak to her and see what feelings come up! I hope we is good and happy and a small part of me wishes she feels the same way, grrr. IJDK.

  27. I loved a guy wen I was teen almost 8yrs back we spoke hours on phone we never met each other or had love. We always use to talk about getting married even before we dated each other, One day he moved abroad without speaking to me about it. We never but but it was still a breakup without closure and I can’t get over it. I imagine being with him.

  28. I just broke up with my boyfriend last night..its so overwhelming n so touching..we hav been togthr for like three weeks n suddenly he started to change..he used to text me all day n all night
    He used to find anytime in his schedule to b with me n hang out
    When he got a new job he started texting less…sometime h wouldnt call m at all
    Everytime h s like m soo busy n i know its a lie because everytime i call him, he is busy talking to another woman..his coworker
    Last night i got so angry n decided to let go of him
    I don know if i dd the right thing

  29. What does it mean when you still have an ex popping in your mind that u can’t seem to let go? I have an ex but every now and then I think about him, it’s been 8 years since we’ve broken up. I haven’t seen or heard from him, think he’s married now. How can I let him go?

  30. My significant other of 17 years ended things with me via txt! He said he was not ignoring me nor our son but simply was moving out, that was a month ago and we have not seen him since. He also said he was not leaving me for another woman, nor replacing me. How ever I did find out he was cheating on me, there were pictures and even voice mails with her saying sweetheart, babe and love you. So he had cheated and in fact did leave me for another woman. Then 2 weeks ago he shut mine/ sons phones off, I had the number for 18 years and unless he called I could not have back. We had not been fighting, I did not see it coming. He blamed me and told me I looked like crap etc….. He has broken all communications with myself and son. We still live in the house that is in his name that he claims will sell and split after our son graduates next year. But now I do not know what to do. I thought I was safe, I am 51 and he 69 who would have thought he would cheat. I have been totally disregarded thrown out like trash.

    1. Angie
      Yeah – 23 years for me (April 2016)…and oh – not only cheating but got her pregnant and ended up marrying her 30 days after he covertly packed his stuff up while I was at work and left – leaving only a text message. I am 55 and know exactly how you are feeling! EXACTLY. The emotional damage he did to me was bad but what he did to my kids – he never even said goodbye or contacted them since – is reprehensible! The woman he married is 18 years younger than him…18 years!

      You are valued! AND you are better than this. Do not let this man’s selfishness define or break you.

      I truly am sorry you had to go through this – Lord knows I would not wish my pain on my worst enemy…

    2. I just gasped like 3 times reading that. I am so sorry that sounds so confusing and not to step on anyone’s toes but he sounds like a f***ing villian! Maybe the old toad had alzheimers? Sometimes princesses are tricked by the cruel because they cannot see what they do not know.

  31. We were bestfriends for 7 years I was in a realationship for 4 and a half of those years. My bestfriend told me that he is inlove with me while i was with my boyfriend at the time my boyfriend wanted a threesome, he knew about my bestfriends feelings for me but he was okay when i said lets do it with him. I did not want a threesome i just wanted to see if there was anything between me and my bestfriend because i was confused i knew there was something just didnt know what those feelings were. So one night after our schools formal we went back to a friends house and the rest of the group went on a walk. My bestfriend,boyfriend and i stayed at my friends house so that was when we did the threesome we did not go as far as having a full threesome i just hooked up with them both and gave them head and hand. Anyway! As soon as my bestfriend and i kissed there was something there something i did not feel with my boyfriend. After my boyfriend fell asleep i went back up to the couch where my bestfriend was sleeping and we kissed again for ages it was so perfect!!!! then i said he should come down and sleep with my boyfriend and i so he did, my boyfriend was asleep at the time and because of what had just happend i thought he wouldnt care when my beatfriend and i were laying facing eachother he said “can i quickly kiss you” and i said okay and we kissed! He kissed my neck and boobs and his hands were on my legs it felt perfect with him. I of course told my boyfriend what had happend the morning after and he was fine with it. At school it kept on happening whenever my bestfriend and i were alone we ended up kissing it was out of our control for months this went on i told my boyfriend every time something happend. At school i was splitting my time between my bestfriend or my boyfriend i was breaking both their hearts they were both so angry and sad all the time. This was killing me. A few months later we finished school and my boyfriend and group went on schoolies. They did not invite my bestfriend. The whole time i was at schoolies i missed my bestfriend i was always on the phone to him and realsied i was missing him too much so i told my boyfriend of 4 and a half years that we should break up after schoolies because i my feelings for my Bestfriend are stronger and i want to explore those feelings. So after schoolies we broke up in those months where i have been single my bestfriend and i had Sex it was different! It was his first time but he was so good!! We have had sex since then regularly. His parents do not like us even being how we are (they only think we have had sex once) anyway!! They do not like me because they know how much hurt their son when i was with my boyfriend. We have also lied to them and gone behind their backs quite a bit so they will never approve of my bestfriend and i being in a relationship. Since i have been single i have kissed 4 other guys(some more than kissing but not sex) other than My bestfriend because he said he did not want a realtionship. Then he got angry at me for that. Anyway! He got a fulltime job and works crazy hours! So we dont have much time to talk or see eachother anymore. I get that we are at a busy point in our lives right now so i asked him if what does he think about the idea if us “seeing each other” he liked it so that is what we did! we have tried friends with benefits but i tbh want more than buddys! I dont know what is going on at the moment with us because he has not contacted me for about 3 months now. He has just ended our friendship without a warning or explanation. Whenever i call him he tells me to go away and to stop contacting him. I miss him so much!!!!! I really do love him still even though he is treating me like crap i dont know what to do anymore!! I have met this guy and we have been hanging out alot in these 3 months that my guy bestfriend hasnt been in contact with me. This new guy wants a relationship with me but i am so confused because i dont know when or if my guy bestfriend will come back into my life… I dont know what to do!!! I cant move on until i get an explanation i need closure. What should i do?

  32. I want to know if I did the right thing. It’s been a year since we stopped seeing each other. The day we talked it out and he told me, he and I both cried like babies. I have never experienced such heartbreak or see a man cry as hard as he did when he had made up his mind to end things. It left me very confused. It’s been a year since I have physically seen him. We texted a few times in the beginning, which ultimately stopped completely. A few months ago I sent a text to congratulate him for purchasing the race car he had always wanted and told him I have happy for him. I did not receive a reply. A few months have gone by again and I texted him “hi, how are you?” He replied this time, “I am alright, how are you?” not a hello or hi just a matter of fact statement. I replied “the same. Been thinking about you lately and wanted to say hello.” This time no reply. I have not sent anymore texts. A couple of days ago i ran into him. He was on duty and speaking with fellow deputies. The other guys said hello and I answered “Hi, how are you guys?” and then I said “Hi xxxx, how are you?’ He replied with a smile and happy voice, “Hey, what’s going on?” I kept walking because I was heading to my car and replied “not much.” with a smile and a wave. I did not stop to talk, thinking that was my best option since he hadn’t replied to my texts. I felt that if he had wanted to have contact with me he would. Honestly, I didn’t know what to say and I was afraid to look him in the eye and see no love for me anymore. But now I fuller regret not stopping and seeing him again, even for a few moments. I am still deeply in love, but I can’t take the pain of his possible coldness towards me. Did I do the right thing? He has not made contact with me since btw. Did I make a mistake by not approaching him? I have reached out a couple of times with little to no response. If anyone has an idea of what is going thru his mind right now or advice for me I would great appreciate it.

  33. Good advice, I have one to add when trying to decide about letting go of tokens (I use to keep them for years, being a romantic) Now I think of the pain my heart suffered and this automatically allows me to either bin or break the offending item without guilt or pain and the feeling is one of sheer light heartedness that the memory could never give me. Also prayers help in all break ups, when you know how to pray.
    God Bless the broken hearted.

  34. I understand how you feel, my ex and the home wrecker are now living in my home. She basically replace me with another man. Who even have the same name as me. i wonder myself how long long that relationship will last. But i think it’s best to stop thinking about what happen and focus on your own life moving forward. At least that what i keep telling myself.

  35. tryingtofindbalance again

    Can you imagine hearing those words, ‘I love you, but I am not in love with you anymore’ after 11 1/2 years together. I can. Imagine yourself going on a dream vacation, meeting your spouse after a work trip and the first day together – he just seems off. Yes – you guest it.

    Here I was standing on a hill side in New Zealand, hoping to start my vacation when my common-law-husband ends our relationship with NO explanation, except that he isn’t in love with me anymore (which I come to find out later is – I am not lusting over you right this second – but someone else).

    Of course, I am devastated – who wouldn’t be to hear those words. Instead I focus my energy to figure out where this is coming from – this is coming out of nowhere – he provides some clues. One of his clients – that is getting a divorce – has recently (in the last day) been talking with him and giving him relationship advice. And the sage advice that she gave him, is to end the relationship in an un-routine place- like now on your vacation. Of course, she didn’t offer the advice of sitting down like an respectful adult and discussing what is making each other unhappy or communicating in general- just end it.

    Fast forward a few days – after I fly back to the states alone – so I can pick up my life. I am tempted by his family to figure out – what is going on – in that effort I find the emails.

    The email of said client propositioning my 11 1/2 partner – discussing how they should get to know each other, whether in secret or in New Zealand. And him deciding that it was easier to work on something new then what his life was – literally he cut off his old life and didn’t look back. Now he doesn’t talk with me, defends his new girlfriends actions and pretends that I do not exist.

    While we were together in NZ, they were emailing each other. He has talked about going back to the states with me to figure things out with me, instead this client talked him into staying in NZ. When I left – I didn’t know about the woman, thought it was all about me – she was manipulating him to come and meet him for the rest of their vacation together. Using words like love, someone that propositions someone over email, when their partner is flying across the world – does not know what the word love means.

    Here I am – she is living in my house with my pets and my future dreams – and they are ‘happy’ together. I guess as happy as a relationship based on manipulation and lies can be. I am moving on, or trying too after two months to the day – because of the lies, manipulation and lack of reasoning to the end of the relationship- closure has been a big issue.

    I gain comfort in the knowledge that this abrupt and traumatic end to a relationship and really friendship is driven by reasoning that is larger then me or us together. No healthy, rational adult behaves in this fashion, especially in a world where they had mutual respect and cared for each other through death(s), major trauma, personal growth and triumphs.

  36. 6 months after our second child was born, i caught my wife of 8 1/2 years flirting with a guy she used to know on facebook. When i confronted her, she said she wanted a divorce. We had a big fight that night, and everything after that went to heck. Every day and night she would communicate with this guy sometimes right infront of my face. She didn’t care about my feelings. All she cared about was this guy. Never give a second thought about the family she was breaking up or of her children. I beg her to try and work whatever the issue was. All she said was we’re not right for each other. She never give me a reason for what she did. Its been over 2 years now, she just married this guy. He is living in my house driving my car and playing with my kids. We do have 50/50 shared custody of our children. But it hurts to this day that the guy who broke up my family and now my children step dad. I’m trying to move on and put it behind me. But i’m always wondering what went wrong all of a sudden for her to do this or was it something she planned for a long time. And if so why get pregnant a second time. These thoughts are what keep me up at night.

  37. When i was in college i had this boyfriend for 3 years and then we broke up because he met another girl, We part our ways, he got married and i got married too, I have loved him but the hurt he gave me made me lived my life well with my present husband, until we met again after 16 years, Our relationship is being rekindled we loved each other despite we know our relationship is forbidden, we had an affair for almost 5 years, we’ re happy then but things went wrong because of jealousy, he was always jealous, i cant give my all to him bacause i am a married woman betraying my husband, until he left me again, he never communicate with me anymore, he greated me last mother’s day via sms , i texted him back saying thank you for the greetings and then he never texted me again, i am so tempted so weak that i would like to reach him to ask why he left me but i could not do it, I cant fight for our love because its wrong, it is better this way for the sake of his family and also for my family, but up to now there is no closure, i really cant get over it yet, its been 3 months now. I really dont know how to let go of this person, i know and i felt he loved me but because of his pride, his jealousy, it didnt workout,, I know it takes time for me to get over it, I dont know what will happen next, Im still waiting for him,

  38. Hi, I’ve been in a relationship for a year and my girlfriend broke up with me eight months ago because I wasn’t romantic (I wasn’t following her all the time), I was focusing on communication (she feels that isn’t needed) and understanding and I was treating her as a friend (according to her). The thing is, I’m still affected by the relationship break-up. I’m angry at my ex because she wanted to break up with me for the stupidest reasons. Personally, we could’ve worked on the relationship and we’ll be all good but instead, she feels it’s better off. I don’t want her back but I want to express how I feel of the situation! To this day, she doesn’t want to talk to me and she’s avoiding me purposely. I find it pathetic. I tried talking to her but she wouldn’t pick up the phone. She only responds via text message telling me, “no, I don’t want to talk to you, we broke up to not deal with our past issues, you got to deal with this on your own.” I don’t want to avoid the unresolved issues, I know that the longer I avoid it, the problem is going to come back stronger. She gets on my nerves. Clearly, we have unresolved issues and she wants to NOT deal with them, I’m not going to avoid it.

  39. Hello
    I was in a relationship in the early 90s and we broke up almost 23 years ago
    I thought I had gotten over her but I find that almost 23 years later I still have feelings for her. She is married with four children and I married with three children. I want her back again all of of a sudden. I know we cannot be together but Iwould like to talk to her and ffinish things with her.
    we had talked back in 1997 but still there was no closure on my part.
    I would like to apologize to her for hurting her.
    hope she can forgive me. I lost the love of my life and now it is affecting my marriage life.
    Any suggestions how I should handle this.
    I would liketo get over this as iI am beginning to hate everything around me.
    Please help

  40. He told me he tried and this Is not working,,,then he went back to his ex… we have our phones together and he dont want to split off my lines,. He dosent want to talk about anything

  41. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Thank you for sharing your experience here, Jstngirl. It sounds like it was a painful end to a long relationship, and you’re having a hard time getting over your ex-boyfriend.

    I can’t offer advice on how to get over a break up when you have no relationship closure because I don’t know you or your situation. But, here are three questions to think about:

    When do you feel calm, centered, and at peace with yourself? What are you doing, who are you with, what time of day?

    What is the first step you can take towards getting over this break up?

    Who can help you deal with this?

    The best tip on how to get over a break up when you have no relationship closure is to renew your relationship with God. He loves you deeply and sees you as His precious child! You are special to Him, and He just wants you to be happy and healthy. You will find peace and joy in His presence, if you take time to seek Him out. He will help heal your problems, and make you feel better about your life and future.

    I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.


  42. Thank you for your post. I was in a relationship for about 9 1/2 years, I myself was a year ago left by my boyfriend. No explanation, all he say, he was not happy and he needed to find himself little that I know he had already moved on. I turned into a psycho, I call and call him multiple times demanding an answer but he didn’t had one. He later told that he is not happy still and that he is not doing well with the new girlfriend however don’t get any ideas that we are going to get together, you had your turn and I’m not coming back, I just need your support since you’re the only one that knows me better than anybody. It’s being like this for a year, I have try to move on but I’m find myself stuck on the past. 2 weeks ago he even had the nerve to have a so called friend called me and tell me off over the phone. They call me anonomuys and when I called him to tell him about Dena, she answered the phone. I don’t know what to do and how to get over him. Please help

  43. Supported wife and children in 13months of marriage went to illnois 6time came back marriage not working now end it dont want to talk or discuss marriage no closeure

  44. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    If you’re struggling to get over a breakup when you don’t have relationship closure, I pray for healing and peace in your life. May you find freedom from obsessive thoughts and emotional turmoil, and may you grieve in healthy ways that allow you to be free from the past.

    Take a deep breath, and know that this breakup was meant to be. You couldn’t find the closure you need in your relationship, but your life is unfolding as it should. You are loved and cared for, and the right person will show up in your life when it’s time.


  45. I have never posted something on a website like this, but this article was very interesting to me since I don’t feel what I received was the real closure I deserve. I was in in a fantastic relationship for a year with a man who had to move around for work which put us long distance. The distance didn’t bother us because we had such a strong connection. I understood that it was just part of what he does until a permanent job in his field opened. We were next door neighbors and when we met sparks just flew instantly. He knew he would be moving before he decided to pursue a relationship with me, but told me he just couldn’t leave without knowing because there was just something there. He didn’t want a “what if”. Our relationship was strong and we built a bond instantly. It was very natural and easy for us to be a couple because we just clicked and at the very beginning talked about what we wanted. Things started falling into place even after he moved. We visited once, sometimes twice a month for a week at a time. We never ran out of conversation and could talk on the phone or skype for hours. It was a very unselfish relationship and my happiness was his priority and vice versa. We couldn’t shut up about each other to our friends and family. We started talking about our future, he was going to make my location his home base between jobs, and we made a 5 year plan. We are 30 and both at that point in life, or seemed to be. Everyone could see how much we meant to each other and would ask us when we were getting married. He would always say “I plan on making it happen”. I have had serious relationships before and was almost engaged, but this was something I have never felt before. He has not had as much dating experience as me. We both said we knew what “the one” meant now. Then 2 months ago, out of no where, he ended it. That morning we talked and he said things like “I miss you and I’m excited to see you in 2 weeks and I’m so ready to be living with you very soon.” 8 hours later, he blind sided me without any warning. He never checked out or seemed distant. He was 100% about us and our future until later that night. He called me and couldn’t even come out and say it was over. I had to ask him and he just kept saying he was sorry at first. Then he said he just wasn’t handling the distance as well as he thought he could, that his feelings for me hadn’t changed, I’m still very important to him, but with him moving around for many years still wasn’t fair to me. Of course I asked him if there was someone else and he got offended and said of course not and there probably won’t be for a very long time after me. We were both cheated on in our previous relationships and I knew better but couldn’t stop from asking. I asked if I did something wrong and he said of course not that it was all on him and he had been having doubts. I asked him why he didn’t just talk to me about his doubts and he said he left me out because he can’t let his mind change because this was the right thing to do for both of us. We never said “I love you” because we just didn’t, yet, but we both agreed that night that we had known we loved each other for a while. I asked him to spare my feelings and just tell me if he didn’t love me or realized he didn’t see a future with me. He struggled to say anything and just said again his feelings hadn’t changed and he started crying and apologizing more. He finally said he was sorry, goodbye and hung up on me. Leaving me with nothing but questions and A LOT of hurt. I tried calling one time and he didn’t answer. 5 days later I got an email from him saying he doesn’t hate me, and that he has very little experience breaking up and was having a really hard time doing it. He said his feelings hadn’t changed, our relationship was great, and I was the best girlfriend he’s ever had and knew our relationship would make it through his current job and things would have been great when he moved here. He felt his communication had become complacent and was leading him to neglect me and that made him realize that he would end up dragging us down and blowing up our relationship. So, it was better to end it sooner rather than later when he saw the end coming. He said he won’t be responding to me for a while and that he knows he’ll miss me. He cut all ties with me ever since. I’ve had a very hard time accepting this because I feel like I wasn’t given any real closure. We did have an amazing relationship and he never showed signs of backing out. His communication never decreased either, and I never felt neglected. I feel like I was not told the truth, but that he used the distance to his advantage as an excuse to just quit. I was so in love and he said and acted as though he were too until he called me that night. I have never been so heartbroken before. I tried reaching out a couple times during my lowest points for a lifeline just to understand why he made that decision so I can start healing, but he never responded. That only made me hurt worse because I thought he cared about me. He never answered what happened that day that pushed him to end it, even during that last phone call. I feel like it was all for nothing. I feel like I cannot let it go until I know what happened after that morning. It was just so sudden and it seemed obvious he was forcing himself to do this.

    I have beat this to a pulp these last 2 months. Over analyzing it to the point of driving myself and others crazy. I became someone I don’t even know. I through his stuff and whatever else I had from our relationship in a box with a letter and sent it to him because keeping it was just too hard and I thought he might respond to that. I have never done that before because my past exes would still talk to me. I know I will probably never know what or the real why’s of it. It’s taken me 2 months to kind of accept that fact and I finally stopped blaming myself. It still doesn’t hurt any less because of how he’s handled it, and because of that we cannot go back to how things were. The trust is gone. Despite that, I am just still so in love with him and I miss him everyday. I just don’t understand how someone can say how great it is and the feelings are still there, and still turn their back on it. I am left with “what if” when I thought I knew. I’ve done what I’ve been advised to do. Cry when I need to cry. Get angry about it when I need to, and I started writing a letter I’ll never send a month ago. Still, I feel like I’m not getting better because I need to know what happened. I have good days, but overall not better. I’m afraid I’ll never be okay, that I won’t move on, and if I do I’ll bring this hurt into my new relationship.

    1. Amanda S. – Don’t know if you’re still checking this blog. Curious about how you’re feeling now, after another year has gone by. My situation is similar to yours but it has been 6 months and I’m not over it. Just wondering about your experience after over a year has gone by.

  46. I was in a break up just two weeks ago. i was blindsided by it out of nowhere and immediately was cut off all communication ties. blocked on facebook, emails, phone, texts, your name it. to no avail. If i had cheated, or had done anything wrong i could understand this punishment i feel i am getting. We had a great relationship we had ups and downs we went to counseling and pin pointed triggers. how to identify problems and communicate. but to cut all ties and not open up. has left me to seek counseling on my own which i understand now. but still cant move forward cuzz its not her. she lives with her parents next track over so it sucks i cant just get closure to move on. thanks for listening

  47. Thanks Laurie for these tips. I too had a similar experience. Two years ago, i fell in love with Ellie. But at that time i really didn’t know how to express my feelings in front of her. one day, i decided to tell Ellie about how much i love her. I told Ellie that “i’m in love with you” . After somedays, she gave me her assent that she also liked me. we lived happily after that . But suddenly She was getting bored with me, Somehow, i came to know that she was dating with another guy. Now i was frustrated and really wasn’t able to think properly, mentally i got very weak. But , one day i decided to talk with Ellie about all the issues. now everything is clear and i want to breakup with Ellie. It would be best for both of us and i will get some time to revive myself.

  48. Dear Shania,

    Sometimes you have to create your own closure after a break up. This can involve writing a good-bye letter, or ceremoniously burning a photo or something he wrote to you. Closure doesn’t have to be “done” with the person you broke up with – it can be completed on your own.

    I wonder if your boyfriend experienced closure by leaving the country? Maybe he has closure, but you don’t.

  49. I was deliriously happy with this man, who treated me like a queen for the time we were together, We were going to be married but he had to leave the country, though I tried hard to make it work It didnt he kept ignoring me. The final straw was me finding out that he cheated on me and was dating someone else there….. I dumped him with a very short call less than 2minutes and absolutely no histrionics. I am proud very proud that I could let go. But yes there was no proper closure to either of us.

  50. I was in an abusive relationship. My fiance and I moved in together after he proposed to me. In the 6 months of living together, he was verbally, emotionally and physically agressive with me. I saw early signs but I didn’t take it seriously until he hit me for the first time. I couldn’t believe it. Even he seemed surprised by his action and we both went to therapy.

    He seemed to ok for a few months and then we had another fight, followed by him yelling, swearing and he did the inevitable. He kicked me. I promised myself that I wouldn’t let him do this to me ever again.

    He got arrested that night and I haven’t seen him since. It’s been 2 months. Talk about not having closure. Every morning I wake up and tell myself that I did the right thing. I think about him often. For some reason, I seem to remember all the good times. My mind must have already gotten used to suppressing the bad stuff.

    It’s like I’m living a dream. One minute he’s there, gone the next. I will probably never see him again so I have to accept that it’s over and that know that I dodged a bullet. In retrospect, he did not treat me well at all. He called me mean things and broke me down as a human being. Towards the end, I was apologizing for things he’s done wrong…how sad is that?

    My point is, you can’t always get closure. Sometimes, knowing how they deceived and hurt you beyond words, is closure in itself.

  51. My ex girlfriend and i dated for 5 years and had a very serious relationship. So serious to the extent that i have never felt anything stronger in the last 4 years after we have broken up. Nobody dumped the other, we both just decided over the last year or soo that we wanted to travel down two completely different life paths, neither of which path would be possible of supporting the other, let alone both. We felt that if we continued on our paths, that we would eventually both just feel nothing but resentment for each other for standing in the way of each other’s dreams.

    Now i have been in a relationship for several years with somebody else who i love to death, but it is a different feeling. I almost feel like a very large part of me hasn’t completely died with my last relationship, it still exists. but i feel that it can only be brough back to life by my ex. There was never complete closure, because every time we communicated, all progress of trying to get over each other was ruined and we went back to square one. So we kind of cut contact and left it at that. I know we both have a part of us dying inside, smoldering being occasionally reminded in small ways to still think about the other, but also both WANT to move on, just can’t ever seem to get all the way there. We both worry that the other one will be ok.

    I Don’t know if either of us will ever be over it. IF that doesn’t suck, I don’t know what does.

  52. Look, people break up and it hurts but if its ment to be then its ment to be, but if its over you cant spend your life dwelling on the past, just let it go and move on to bigger and better things. Life is short so dont spend it dwelling over someone who never really wanted you to start with. LET GO and move on because some place out there is someone waiting to find you or for yourself to find them. True love is forever, it works its self out and its constant, Dont settle for less.

  53. The breakup for me was my idea and was more about me than it was about him…I was forced to ask myself why I let his incredible good looks rule me for months when I could clearly see he was not acting in a way that was acceptable to me…Did I think I couldn;t find another Brad Pitt clone? Was I that lonley? I knew that I was allowing him to name call and would never take that in the past…He was 16 years younger..Why did I go there? I will say that I painted my condo, worked on my own life goals and still engaged in conversations with the opposite sex albeit light banter and no serious attempt to date…It still hurts but less and less as time goes by.

  54. I know I was not perfect during out relationship, I know I made mistakes as we all do. Yes in hindsight I could have handled some issues smarter. What I do not do however is think anything I couldve done differently at the time wouldve made any difference in the outcome. Because we have a child together you constantly get an up close and personal review of the other person which can give you a sharp reminder of why you are not together anymore. My Ex has not changed at all for the better in the last few years…he still lies about things and in fact lied to me on the phone tonight, he is still self centered and only worried about himself and what he needs, he is still moody and morbid, he still gives me the feeling of walking on eggshells around him, he still plays silly head games or power games etc etc etc…I could go on but the point Im making is if half the people on here had ongoing contact forced on you after a breakup you wouldnt be sitting around just remembering all the good stuff and pining for the ex….

  55. I got dumped 6 months ago. We were together 18 months. She was / is the love of my life. Why did she dump me? Simple, I loved her *too* much. I smothered her. I wasn’t being clingy – she had enough space, as did I. But I told her too much about how I loved her and it put her under all sorts of pressure and broke the cardinal rule: it made it look like she was my whole life, not just a part of it. Am I over it? No. Do I accept that it was my fault? Yes. Here’s the most important thing of all: if you got dumped it is your (in the majority at least)fault. Don’t shy away from that fact. Because it’s only once you accept it is your fault that you can possibly affect the changes to yourself that mean it will never happen again. Simple. This isn’t about acting the victim, it’s about admitting that you messed up and making sure you never mess up in the same way again.

    Will I ever *fully* get over my ex? No, I don’t think I will. She left a massive emotional mark on me. But it’s over. Done and dusted and I look forward to the time when I can possibly love someone else the way I loved her. Until then: be patient.

  56. I dont think I will ever really get over it. After a year it still occupies my thoughts that he is with someone else and how it hurts.
    All the things I wish I had done differently. All the good times and how I am missing them. Keep going over every little thing. Being reminded of more things all the time. It just feels like yesterday. Thinking what a fool I was one minute and the next minute hating him for hurting me. I was depressed and let myself go and he picked someone the opposite and that hurts. Said that she benefitted from all I taught him so I wish I had not taught him. How we started off on the wrong foot and he would have told her what was wrong with me so she had the edge and could put all those things right and be what he preferred whereas he did not tell me what he did not like so I could put it right. Did not tell me that he did not like people looking how I did. And yet the signs were there all along and I ignored them at the time. I was a fool. I had to learn the hard way. I should have taken note of what was said about me. I should have been prepared to compromise instead of beig confrontational. I should not have been annoying and rubbed things in. I should have been polite and known better how to be nice. I should have listened more and just kept in my strong opinions. I should have and so it goes on at the moment.
    But why should I have on the other hand? I am not a doormat after all.

  57. I need help. My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me 3 weeks ago, but I’m really confused about what is really going on. Here’s some background info. The first two years we lived in the same area, but then he went to study at West Point this last year. During the spring break he came back with some friends from the academy and if was perfect at first, but then we argued when he got impatient with me when I was trying to make plans. He ignored me after that and told me he didn’t want me to say goodbye at the airport. He ignored me for about a week until he broke up with me. He said he didn’t wanna deal with me anymore, that he needs to make decisions (needs to know if he’s gonna study there for 4 years or go someplace else) and he can’t consider me in that decision, he doesn’t have time to satisfy my needs, he says I complain too much. After the breakup, we talked and he told me he wasn’t sure of what he was doing and that he still loved me. He is being irrationally stubborn about breaking up with me and not really trying to fix this. Then I decided to get into his facebook and I saw that he was flirting with one of the girls he brought over during spring break and he was trying to go out on a date with her and not even 3 weeks passed since the break up. I don’t know if it happened, however and how much they’ve been talking. He’s even calling her babe and stuff like that. But I know that it’s very recent. After I saw this, I asked him if I could clear up a few things with him and he said ok. I asked if he loved me and he said yes. I asked if he had zero interest in being with me and he said that there is still a chance. Then I asked if he even missed me and he said “a lot”. Then I asked if there was someone else, if somebody has caught his eye and he said no. Then if I was the only one on his mind and he said yes. So he lied to me. Then we continued talking and I told him that I’m willing and wanting to be with him but he said he is tired of it, the whole idea of a relationship. I asked him to elaborate but then he says “I love you babe, but I don’t think I wanna confide everything with you” and that he doesn’t wanna tell me things but that that’s exactly what I want. After that, we haven’t spoken in about 5 days.

    I just want advice from people who are impartial. I’m really destroyed right now. Sorry if the answer is right in my face, but I can’t think straight anymore.

  58. I’m sorry you find yourselves here. If you have been married a long time and your spouse has suddenly changed and put the focus on themselves it may be a mid life crisis. I was married for 18 years when my wife went into her mid life crisis. She is still in it. I believe it all started with her grandfather and grandmother (mother of her other parent) passing away. Mid life transitions are normal, when deaths or other tragedies happen it can send someone into crisis. Did you know women can go into mid life crisis in their early 30’s? So no, it is not only reserved or experienced by those 40 or older. My wife reconnected with a high school friend on Facebook who is the sister of her high school ex-boyfriend. After a few months of that she decided I guess to get back in touch with the ex too. She was distant but still acted herself for the most part. She asked me after we got home from a trip to her home state if I thought she should reconnect with him too. I had no idea what could happen with that and said “Yes I think he is a good guy and would probably friend you.” She broke up with him to go out with me over 20 years ago…. He did friend her and what started out as just another contact in a list of friends quickly turned into unbridled desire to email, reminisce, chat, etc. After a month or so it turned into texting too and of course at this point was what is termed as an emotional affair. After trying to contact him and he didn’t respond I contacted his wife and she made him break the connection because my wife said she would never break contact with him herself… Well, here I still am married almost 20 years now with 3 kids; 16, 13, and 6. My wife sees nothing wrong in what she did and has told her family she would do it all over again (meaning reconnecting with the ex). I should add when she reconnected with the ex’s sister she was going through a divorce herself. I don’t know to what extent she supported the reconnection with her brother and hope she wasn’t involved at all. I hope and pray everyday my wife will want to fix the damage that has been done in our relationship. I would never say our marriage was perfect and I did contribute to problems in our marriage like every spouse does, no one is perfect. I would also say none of the things I’ve done are divorceable offenses. If you have been married a long time and run into a spouse that has changed you may be dealing with mid life crisis. The dreaded words you will hear from a spouse in a mid life crisis are “I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.”

  59. I was married 18 years and had 3 kids. My husband never cared what i wanted to do and alway put my family down and discouraged the kids from going with me to visit them. He was controlling and manipulative and i had many fantasies over the years of being on my own and away from him and meeting someone who truly cared about me. He found a friend at work and completely ingnored me for a year and a half and i thought we could be roomates but i got sick of all the lies and his new obsession, which is what he does.. he has a borderline narcist personality and when he is done with friends, he is done. He truly needs help but sees everyone else as the problam. If you bring this up he gets defensive and says i’m stupid. So why am I sad. I have wanted this for awhile but i am truly hurt and angry. I should be jumping with joy but he still has a hold over the kids and has them feeling sorry for him. They don’t want to here his drama so the ask me to not provoke him, So damn frustraiting.

  60. I was with my boyfriend on and off for 9 years. We had our own places but i wanted more he knew i did like to live with each other. I was always doing things for him cooking,cleaning etc.I would always go over to his place but he never came to mine. He hardly ever took me anywere. I decided to cut off contact with him and look for someone else. He heard through friends i met someone else and when he found out he was willing to change so he says. I never really seen many changes just a ring but by then i knda gave up it was too late. I dont want him back. he was much older than me by like 20 years. Even when we were together he would be little me just by the way he talked to me. Now he has went around lieing about me.

  61. Can anybody help I got dumped by my ex almost a year ago, people say after year it’ll be over but I don’t think it’s working… Tips?

  62. Hello i just need help after 19 years of not seeing an x and first love which i lost 2 pregancies hewas a drunk at that time in his life, had walk away without saying good bye one morning 19 years ago many times he tried looking for me but people,family keept us apart over the years found him on facebook 3 months ago now we talk everyday but nowhe is married with 2 children is it wrong to makemyself believe for false hope,he says he loves me i thought i got ober this along time ago but it still hurts th a t i cant be with him now that he is all well and sober.its everyday like a sickness that wont go away we just cant getenough of each other each day that we talk. Help need advice or imput of how to deal with this and ya he says he loves me but he wont leave his children.should i just cut off the conection?

  63. Read about you never really get over a break up as a bit of your heart breaks off well in that case does that mean there isn’t any heart left if it all got knocked off?

    Wonder if that was my trouble in taking so long to heal and too long to love again that when I did it was too late and he had moved on and given up.

    Only to start all over again with the whole sad sorry process.

  64. Breaking up – someone said takes l month for every year. So if it is now 82 days since nc divide that by 7 = nearly three months next week that is three quarters of the way over. And that will nearly be a year in two months since I got dumped but there was contact and that put it all back again. Still think of it now but nc is better. I don’t want to know what he is doing. Avoid him like plague. But hard when go somewhere you went tog. which can’t avoid as went everywhere. Can’t move.

  65. Someone asked why no one answers these cries for help just writes their storey.

    The reason is because we are all wanting help and don’t know the answers if we did we would not be reading these entries in the first place.

    Who would be reading them otherwise to help? I can’t think of anyone who would know who would say anything worth knowing.

    It is only someone’s opinion after all. My opinion over all these hurting people is to pray to God, distract in some way, pamper yourself in some way, write it down, write poems, cheer yourself up like force yourself to dance, sing, walk, chat with friends, make yourself look better, swim, relax, buy new clothes but all this in my case only papers over the cracks and I still have a hole. Yes in time it is not so bad but you live with it.

  66. I dated this guy for 11 months. He was my first serious boyfriend, we loved each other, and I opened up to him completely. I never felt like it wasnt right from the start but I told myself I was maybe being too unfair to him. The problem was he was a child mentally, not a man. I was such a good person, I nurtured him, hepled him grow (or at least tried to). I could tell it wasn’t working 8 months in and tried to end it but he showed up at my university crying, wouldn’t stop texting me or promising to change, and of course I missed him so I took him back. A couple days ago he frustrated me for the last time with his inability to know how to be conisderate, and I told him i didn;t know how much more I could take. I said I didn’t think I oculd do this anymore but could we please say goodbye face to face. That night he had been promising that we would be okay so what happened was totally unexpected. He texted me that he needed to think for hinself and we should go our separate ways and he wouldn’t answer my call. He’s told my friend he doesn’t want to talk to me because then we’ll never be over. I want to be over I just need a goodbye. He knows I’m hurting but clearly took the easier way out for himself. I just can’t believe after everything we went through and everything I did for him he can’t be decent to give us both closure. Why couldn’t we end it like civilized people so all I would have to do right now is miss him a bit, not feel like my heart and been broken. I know a lot of me is upset that he doesn’t miss me anymore and is moing on so easily. Should i hope for a phone call one day? I know I cant call him or text anymore because he hasn’t answered and its making me look pathetic. I just want to know if he can really forget me for good, and never contact me again. What should I do? I can’t eat or sleep and he seems fine. On top of missing him I’m in shock and I feel hepless. Ican’t even focus on school which is so important. And when I called his cell and he picked up, when he heard my voice he pretended to be “Jamal” and hung up.

  67. Comment for Jay Merlit: right on … So in agreement with all you said. We are responsible for our own happiness. When making someone else responsible, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of unhappiness. You’ll spend all your time trying to change the other person or end up leaving an otherwise perfectly good relationship.

  68. This reply is for Anna:
    Anna I just went through a similar experience. I men a guy online 9 months ago. We developed an amazing bond through chatting. We decided to meet up in Sept 2011 in Spain. It was absolutely magical. We feel in love. He decided that he needs to be with me and arranged for a work visa in USA. He is from Italy. He came to USA on jan 7th 2012 and upon arrival was a totally different person. He was cold and emotionally withdrawn. After of one week living with me he said he felt emotionally pressured, needed his space and didn’t think our relationship was working because his family in Italy needs him and he cannot do long distance relationship. So he moved out very fast. After moving out he called to apologize saying he doesn’t know what got to him that morning that he wanted to meet with me to explain his situation. He did say he wants to stay friends but also said he wants to meet to “fix things up”. He said he loves me in a difficult way. I think he is very confused and i became extremely confused myself. I decided to not meet him and let it go. It is very painful though because I feel in love with him. Anna or any one else , do you have any answers or comments. Did I do the right thing to not meet up ? I am avoiding more hurt.

  69. I have to add something here. I was the partner left behind without closure. We were together 9 years and engaged for 2. We survived a bout of infidelity (her not me) before we got engaged. She left me mentally almost a year before she actually left. When she did she left me with a note.

    Reason I have to add something is that the post by Gini Grey almost called out to me. I’ve moved on entirely now, but the first year plus afterwards I was completely destroyed by this woman, my soul was shattered into pieces.

    During that time, I read a lot about relationships and the differences between men and women, trying to understand. I learned something: women were more likely to attribute their level of happiness to their partners. Women who became bored in their lives would often blame their partner and the relationship itself, regardless of marital status with their partner. This often manifests itself in what Gini talks about: “the partner ending the relationship doesn’t quite know themselves why they are ending it – it’s more of a feeling or intuitive urge”.

    Men, on the other hand are much more simple. They own their own state of happiness or lack thereof. So in a calm relationship without a lot of fighting, if they are leaving they usually know entirely why – to meet a new girl, because they have already met a new girl, or because they do not like the relationship dynamic. Men hate seeing a woman cry, which is why they would leave the relationship without closure.

    However it is the feminine side that I would like to address more here, because as Gini states it is hopelessly vague. It is this feeling of malaise. There is no way to “fix” it that they can see, quite often because there is really no “problem” at all. A quick skim of the book “Eat, Love, Pray” reveals just how destructive this phenomenon can be. The book doesnt mention the poor husband, left at home to raise the children by himself. What it does do is chronicle the ridiculous litany of attempts to try to find out what was missing and cure the malaise, ranging from eating fine food in Italy sleeping with older men to experimenting with strange religions. None of these things fill the empty void and there is no mention of the guilt that would ensue when the money ran dry.

    To all readers: If any woman you know, or you yourself is feeling this general malaise and is contemplating leaving what appears to be a healthy relationship – dont buy into it! Shake them out of it! This is a byproduct of postfeminism. Women are taught that they can have the best job and make a difference in the world and that motherhood and marriage are curses and vehicles for victimization, that they can not only have it all but be it all, they can have the successful A-type personality husband but that he should be caring and sensitive and want to talk about feelings.

    The mixed messages of feminism render women totally confused at some point or another in their relationship. This is the cause of the general malaise that causes this type of breakup.

    The fact is, life is boring sometimes. Sometimes boring is a good thing in relationships, it means that there is no soap opera drama to work out, no fights, no infidelity, things are going just fine, nobody is crying and nobody is yelling.

    Generation after generation of women knew this and the divorce rate and marriages and long term relationships clunked along just fine. Feminism came along and confused women with these mixed messages, teaching them that life was supposed to be entirely this exciting, fulfilling, dream world when this isnt the case.

    While I know I am going to come across as a person who thinks very little of feminism, in no way am I a chauvinist. I am happy that women have equal rights and happy they can work and get educated and happy for those women who choose not to get married or have children. What I disdain about feminism is how it looks down upon women who want to be wives, looks down upon women who want to have children. How it confuses women into thinking that they all need to be these globe trotting, jet setting, promiscuous, difference making people and all this messaging makes even he most exciting of spousal relations seem all just so boring.

    In the scenario that Gini outlines, these women will paw around and grab ahold of reasons that are entirely ficticous. An argument where the man yelled then becomes an abusive relationship. If the man likes his beer he is then an alcoholic who needs help. If the man is interested in different things then they are growing apart and maybe the two should move on.

    However its all bunk. In the courtship phase of any relationship, the couple is brought together by a common interest or place such as a school or workplace. Then the couple becomes inseparable in the honeymoon phase . Then they start to reclaim their own identities, hanging around with their own friends, doing some things on their own. Slowly each part of the couple starts to explore new hobbies and things of interest.

    Eventually, you have the man interested in man stuff, whether it’s tinkering with a car, working with tools, hunting, sports, whatever. You also have the woman interested in woman stuff, whether it’s shopping, clothes, fashion, helping the poor, community service, whatever as well. In no way does the man stuff or woman stuff have to fall into an established gender stereotype.

    But to expect that a husband is going to enjoy spending all day at the mall shopping for a dress, or that the wife is going to enjoy watching sports and drinking beer all day is very much an abolition of the very facts that brought the couple together in the first place. The woman fell in love with the man because he was attractive as a man. The man fell in love with the woman because she was attractive as a woman.

    How many women go ga-ga over a guy who is feminine, focuses on feelings, and who has a great eye for what shoes go with what outfit? Practically none. What man goes ga-ga over a woman who can bench press 240 pounds? Not many.

    Where the whole general malaise occurs in women somewhere in he relationship is when the woman believes that the man SHOULD be interested in helping her pick the right pair of shoes for that outfit. Or that the man SHOULD be interested in hearing all of the gossip amongst the ladies at work. Or that the man SHOULD want to do whatever she wants to do at that particular time, or he SHOULD like this or that.

    What happens is that the woman is bored, because she is turning into a boring person. She fingers the relationship, ends it, and finds another man who is into a bunch of different things than the previous guy and eventually she’ll get bored of that stuff too and end up right back where she started.

    I have seen this pattern not only in my own ex, but in the exes of many people I know who suffered the “breakup for no reason” at the hands of their long term girlfriend, wife, partner, etc. These women skate from guy to guy looking for excitement and passion. Really they need to find this within themselves.

    So stop a guy whos doing everything good for your girlfriends from having his heart broken for no good reason. Stop your girlfriend who is giving the “im not happy” babble without good constructive reason from going off to skate from guy to guy until she figures out that her happiness is her own to choose.

    When you have a girlfriend saying “I’m not happy, I dont know why, I just dont feel this relationship is working for me” give her a good ol girl to girl slap across the face… and tell her she needs to find her own interesting hobby that will drive her passion. Tell her she isnt the centre of he universe because she’s not the centre of the universe.

    And for the love of God, dont feed it by giving her ideas as to why a perfectly good relationship might not be working out to seize upon. Just ask quite bluntly to give you some real concrete examples of why she thinks its the relationship’s fault. If she cant come up with anything other than “we dont do anything together anymore” then tell her to maybe start making plans to do something with her man.

    Sorry for the rant but I’m tired of seeing perfectly good relationships dissolve for no reason other than that women thought that once they got married everything would be pie in the sky and when reality hits they break someones heart for no good reason at all. They need to learn this lesson BEFORE they get into a serious relationship. Men don’t dig “starter marriages”.

  70. I understand it helps to write things down and share everything, but why is no one answering or helping all these stories. Some people are desperately crying out for help and no one is responding??? Is there someone who can reply to as many posts as possible to help. I myself need guidance and help and am almost at my wits end but what is the point of writing if no one is listening or offering help. I did a post quite a while ago but apart another person who posted who was kind enough to say she could understand how I felt and I appreciated that immensely, no one is giving advice to help:(( I thought that was what this was all about?:9

  71. Hi, so me and by boyfriend well I guess you will call him ex boyfriend now have been together for a yr and a half. We knew eachtother for four years but since the beginning he has had a habit of dissapearing. Over the past month and a half I have been ignored by him over break. I have called him text him tried everything and all he can say to me is we need to talk when we are back at college. Before break we got into a fight that was admidedly my fault. All he says is that I will never change and he needs time to think. I have told him to just break up with me and save me this torture of waiting and we can be done.He will not. He then gets angry and ignores me more or says at college we will talk. In all rightness I should be angry he didnt spend the holidays with me and drove back alone to college leaving me stranded. The strangest part is that he drove me home before break and we seemed ok?…I just cant wrap my mind around this, and the worst part is now a new guy is trying to enter my life telling me I deserve more and better but I can not let go of the love I have for my ex. Help please ….

  72. I have a somewhat unique situation. I met a man online a few years ago. We spoke often and talked of visiting one another all of the time. I finally decided one day to end the anticipation and got on a plane and flew around the world to see him. He was the same man I knew online except for one crucial difference. He was cold. He was standoffish and quiet and made me feel as if I had to walk on eggshells around him. After the hours of late night chats and phone calls and years of divulging all of my deep secrets and dreams to him, I was in love. it was hard to watch what i had felt so deeply for so long turn to smoke when it stopped being hypothetical. Now he refuses to respond to my emails or if he does it is always a cryptic, riddle-filled message that I cannot decipher. I want to let go. I want to not care anymore but I am having great difficulty doing so. How do I stop wanting that closure? How do I move on and pretend it never happened? I am so ready to heal and forget. I need help.

  73. I just bumped into my childhood sweetheart the other morning. We hadn’t seen each other for 31 years, other than one other time that we just totally ignored each other and pretended we never saw the other one there.

    This last time, he was coming out of an isle and almost hit me. He stopped, and couldn’t look at me, but brushed his hair with his hand up over the top of his head, and wasn’t looking at me. I looked up and saw that it was him. When I did, I looked in his eyes, and froze, literally, realizing it was him. I couldn’t move, or speak, then I came-to, shook my head some, and continued on like nothing had happened, and said excuse us, as I was walking away, still in shock. I could barely walk, I felt drunk and didn’t know if I could still stand, then I picked up speed after putting my hand on my head, brushing my hair up over. I went out of sight, caught my breath, for a minute and acted like nothing happened. But cashed out and went home.

    In high school, I foolishly allowed a guy to hold my hand after telling him that I was kind of seeing someone. We got together that night because he wanted to talk to me. He took my hand. I told him, “no” He kept on. During that time, my boyfriend’s really good friend, that was a girl saw, and went back and told him the following day at school. Once she told him, I heard loud bangs. (slamming his books on the desk) I felt so bad. I really cared about him, and never wanted to hurt him. And I never wanted it to be over between the two of us. His friends that were girls, convinced me to stay away from him. They both told me that they would go out with him in a heart beat, but he didn’t like at him that way. I knew I was so wrong. To this day, I feel bad and still have very strong feelings for him, which will never become anything, more. I quit school in my senior year.It was too painful.

    I didn’t see the guy that took my hand that night for a year or two. Three months after We dated, he asked me to marry him. I didn’t understand love, but knew he would always be there for me. We knew each other since we were 9 years old. He wouldn’t date anyone else. We’ve been married now, for 32 years. He’s been wonderful. There’s still these feeling of awkwardness, guilt and a warm place in my heart that will always be there for this other guy that I never had closure with, because we never really talked about that time.

    Somehow, we need to get past this. He’s as awkward as I am about this.He lives the next little town over. The grocery store is in his town.

  74. I’m a 16 year old boy in 10th Standard! Meta girl one year junior than me in 9th standard! so just I felt for her. and Became Friends. then changed into boyfriends and girlfriends. but after 4 months we broke up. but she was a flirt and had affairs with other guys, too! but i rally love her and want her in any case. so i sent one of my friends to her for her cellular number. but she asked for a solid reason which i don’t really have will you please help me out!

  75. Hey. I’m an 18 year old guy, and I feel that I can be much better that I’ve been wasting my time so far.. I wanna be the over achiever that I want, overly social were my phone won’t stop receiving texts from friends. I want friends 🙁 any help?

  76. Hi
    I am in a terrible mess. I met him suddenly three years ago and fell in love with him immediately. I had never felt so warm about someone in my life before even though I habe been married for many many years. We had been communicating frequently and I did not say anything directly neither he did. But every mark was welcoming for a close relationship. Finally when he heard what was in my mind and he wanted nothing in hurry. Bue he never said No and I was in so much love with him. He died suddenly and left me with no signs. I am in a marriage with someone who loves me a lot treats me with lots of care and love. I know he will do anything to make me happy. I still cannot forget my love to him who died and I still love him. I want to come back. It has been always distant and I don’t know how to close it. I am not sure even he loved me because I didn’t ask and didn’t say. But he always left welcoming marks everywhere. I want to accept that I cannot be in love with him any more. But I still love him. A love affair without a closure and without knowing whether the otehr person really loved you can kill you gradually. That is what happens to me now!

  77. was wit my partner for almost 4yrs, i made some silly mistakes at the beginning but thought we work them. even got stronger between us & even got engaged really look good for us. then she went away for a hen weekend & i went out wit a mate because i never answered a text, when she come back she had a go at me. then next morning she called it off between us by text saying i cheated then for a few days i was getting blamed for everything & then it stopped & never heard from her for 4 months. but i get told it’s down 2 me & agree i could of done better but even now she keeps on, i’ve moved on in most ways my problems i’ve started 2 work at them. we ave spoken face 2 face & i told her the truth & my feelings 2 wards her. i’ve asked her 2 stop contacting but still & really don’t know why she not let me move on. thank u for reading.

  78. This kind of long.

    I met this woman over almost 2 years ago. She came into my life by pure coincidence. I, at the time was having serious marital problems. My wife and I were having marriage counseling to to see if our marriage could be saved. Long story short it was not
    The woman mention had nothing to do with the marital issues. That was happening for a number of years.

    Anyway, I met the woman at my college homecoming. She did not attend the school, but attended with a former classmate. We all were hanging out and conversing, with she and I having the briefest of conversations. But for some, but for some reason I left feeling like a hidden message was sent :-).

    There was no followup, due to ongoing counseling. It was not until a decision was made to separate and end the marriage that I made any attempt to contact her.

    Fast forward, nothing was rushed. We really took our time to getting to know each other. Shoot it took weeks for me to kiss her on the lips. We ended up dating and really enjoying each others company. In the beginning I was very straight forward with her about my predicament and my living situation. She may have had some lingering doubts as anybody would, but in the end everything panned out.

    She too is also separated from her husband, has her own place and has 2 teenage boys. And is separated longer than I have been.

    A few months after we started seeing each other I was a victim of the economy and lost my job. She was very supportive emotionally. I have never ask her for any money, but from time to time she gave indirectly. It was bit uncomfortable, but she did it nontheless.

    Over the the past summer her job started taking up alot of her time and energy. We saw each other but it would be late in the evenings. The last time we went out was in September. During that time even some of the communication was becoming difficult. We spoke on the phone or text. Some of the issues that started coming up were partly due to texting and with this came the misunderstandings to what was being text. I text and not a very big fan of it. I would try to discuss these issues but to no avail. At times, she would try to solve the issues by texting, as oppose to speaking, which I have a major problem with. After such a promising relationship it ended with her texting me, that “she can no longer meet my requirements for a healthy boy friend girlfriend relationship, but we can be friends”.

    This took me by surprise. I tried contacting her immediately. I called a few times, sent an email and even responded to her text. But as of this date nothing.

    What do you think.

  79. Exercise is by far one of the most effective ways of letting go of a past relationship. Not only do you get out any aggression or residual bitterness you had over the breakup, but you’re improving yourself both physically and mentally in the process.

  80. my relationship has recently ended rather abruptly. i have been with my partner on and off for the last 22 yrs – we have a 10yr old son together. we dont live together though. it all started when lee (my ex) took our son away for a week without me for a boys bonding week. he didnt have the money to take him so he borrowed some of our sons birthday money. i spoke to them both every night on the phone. the one night my son was being rude to me so i said if he carried on i would hang up – anyway he carried on so i said “im going now” and hung up. the next thing i know ive got lee ringing me back and im fuming so i end up losing my temper and saying things that i really didnt mean. when they got back things were frosty between us and we didnt speak to each other for a week. then he started emailing me and we were joking by email so i thought things would be ok.

    he had promised our son that he could have his money back that week – but he is self employed and didnt get paid from his job so he couldnt pay the money back. instead of ringing or coming here to tell me he just completley cut us both off for nearly 4 weeks. i had our son crying himself to sleep because he thought his dad had left him – lee has never done anything like this before and he worships out son. so i sent him and email – because he wouldnt answer my calls or texts – telling him he couldnt see our son anymore because of the upset he was causing. i sent the email to force his hand – i would never ever stop them seeing each other. i had no response from the email so i rang his mum and told her everything. the next thing i know he emails me telling me its me he doesnt want to see not our son. so he picks our son up twice that week and both times he brings him home and lets him in with his key but doesnt come in.

    in the end i get fed up of things being this way so i ring him and ask him if we can sort things out – he went beserk on the phone – he never loses his temper but he did. he told me that he cant be with me so i said to him “u dont love me then” to which he kept saying i cant be with you – i cant handle the arguments – we rarely argue and were very happy. he was telling me a few weeks before how much he loves me and always will. anyway that was that so i left it. i then had to ring him because of our son a few days later and he was drunk and very very angry with me – he ended up telling me that he doesnt love me anymore – he will always love me as a friend but everything else has gone. he still hasnt given our son the money he owes him. my mum is saying he is angry with me for telling his mum because i know she had a go at him. my mum thinks ive hurt his pride – which i prob have. he says he fell out of love with me during the phone call when they were away – but i know you dont fall out of love with someone in one instant. as you imagine after 22 yrs im crushed.

    everyone has said that he said it in anger and doesnt mean it – and its about punishing me for embarassing him in front of his parents – but im so hurt, i dont know what to do. i have asked him for the house key and my stuff back but he never gives any of it back. i feel like im dying. and i dont know what to do.

  81. Me n bf live 2getha at his parents house we share a child 2getha i feel like he use me i buy hm everythng he is very selfish towards me n disrespectful he bad mouths me 2 my so i feel i am waisting my tme bt i hav no where else 2 go he do care alot 4 hm n hpe thngs wil change i am mre used 2 comfort zone i am in coz i am indepant hav a gud job plz giv me advice as 2 get out bfore its 2late.

  82. Some advice may help me in this situation.
    I dont know what to do. I broke up with my ex bf in February 2009. He was in Iraq at the time. I broke up with him because all we did was fight when he was on leave. We fought bad over stupid things like that I felt home made sauce was better than canned and how I thought meatloaf sucked and he loved it. He is a very disrespectful person. He swears way to much ( I swear when its appropriate), makes vulgar comments, and gets told constantly by his superiors in the army that he needs therapy for his anger, attitude, and he needs to learn respect. His lack of respect is the reason I never told my parents about him which also created tension.

    When I broke up with my ex in Feb. I started dating my high school love. My high school love had recently broken it off with is girl friend of 2 years. That was the girl he dated instead of me in high school because he though I did not like him. Anyway the day he asked me out is the day I broke up with my ex bf. I am still together with my high school love but I dont know anymore. He is everything anyone could ask for. He is respectful, a hard worker, educated, and family orientated. He is perfect.

    6 months after the break up with my ex sent me a message. I ignored it not wanting to cause problems. Then about 2 months ago I tried every way to contact him. When he finally responded I was excited. Then I met up with him and we are planning on meeting up one more time before he deploys. I was very excited to see him and sad when he had to go. He has changed a lot. He now does drugs, drinks a lot, and sleeps with girls he meets. He was not like this before I met him. When I was with him I was very comfortable, I felt safe.

    This sucks. I dont know what to do. I mean I know I am not getting back with my ex because he does not want a real gf. I also know that my bf now is a great man but I just dont know if I can be intimate with him anymore. I am having such a hard time with things. I need to know what to do with my life!

  83. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Hi Jenny,

    Thanks for your comment about relationship closure — I totally agree that it’s important for both your past and your future relationship!

    .-= Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog post …Best Ways to Save Money on Summer Holidays – 7 Travel Tips =-.

  84. Hi, I enjoyed reading this article because my boyfriend and I had some issues with his feelings towards his ex girlfriend since there was no proper closure in their relationship. This fact made him think twice about how he feels for me and sadly, if he really is in love with me.

    In short, I just like to say that proper closure in relationships is essential just to not let you left thinking the “what ifs” and to avoid the person you’ll be involved with in the future.
    .-= Jenny´s last blog post …How to Get Over a Break up – A Common Sense Guide to Getting Over Your Ex =-.

  85. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Hi Yong,

    I don’t think you can help the other woman get over the breakup…the best, most loving thing you can do is let her go. She needs to heal and figure out for herself why she’s allowing herself to be treated this way. It may seem cruel, but you need to tell her you’re breaking off contact for her own good. And, you need to stick to your statement. No more emails or sms or anything like that.

    Remember that code of honor you mentioned? Well, you need to revive that and help the other woman get over the breakup by giving her space to heal. You weren’t living according to your values before, but you can start today.


  86. Hi there,
    In all my life I have lived by a code of honor and at a variety of levels but lately I have crossed lines I would have never imagined. I got involved with two women at the same time.(evil!!) Never made any commitment to any of them. Lived in denial about the relationships all along.One of them later found out what was going on and i got busted.I asked for a second chance from one of them and got it.
    The other one is having a rough time lettinng me go and i cant stop thinking about her either. I think about her all the time even though i know in my heart of hearts we couldnt be with each other really.I understand all this intellectually but its all nil in my heart.
    I dont even know what to tell the other woman anymore. She wants a second chance as well even though she knows im seeing someone else.
    I wonder if a jumped right into everything too quick and didnt have time to think thro everything that happened. I feel lost. I cant even treat my girlfriend as good as want to..too much baggage in my heart and i cant find myself within all this chaos.
    How do i help the other woman get over things. She knows i lived a lie all along but she still wants to be with me.I dont know how to explain it.How can she still want to be with me when i put her thro hell and back. She wants advise from me about which way to turn.We still communicate and all she does is cry. I feel terrible for all this but how i can i even start to help her or myself get over it. We agree to stop communicating and get back right into smsing and emails after one day.
    How do i get over it and how do i help her especially after i put her thro all this shenanigans.Im learning to live with the consequences of what i have done but just how do i help her and help myself…??i will probably never understand it all.

  87. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Liza,

    Wow, that’s a long time to have a boyfriend — eight years — and only be physically together for a month!

    You asked for a wake up call…and here it is…

    If he really loved you, he would make time for you. He would be calling you, visiting you, buying you dinner, and even proposing marriage to you! He would tell you he loves you, and you would FEEL and SEE his love through the things he says and does.

    Men who love women make sacrifices for them. Men who love women do everything they can to keep them happy.

    Your story reminded me of one of my favorite quotations: “The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is today.”

    Liza, the best time to have come to your senses and leave this man was seven and a half years ago. But, the second best time is today! It’s time to reclaim your life and your self-respect. It’s time to live a life that’s full of love and laughter and light…not one that’s riddled with sadness, disrespect, and confusion.

    I encourage you to write down what you want to say to him when you’re breaking up with him. Write down exactly how you feel and what you think you deserve out of a love relationship. How you choose to break it off with him is up to you — but don’t wait for him to make time for you. If he can’t see you in the next day or two, then email him.

    You need to find the strength and courage within yourself to stick to your decision. He’s not helping you be the best woman you can be…and it’s time for you to stand up for yourself, and let him go.

    I wish you all the best — and hope you come back and tell me that you’ve broken up with him, and are healing your broken heart! And then, you’ll soon be ready to invite a man into your life who is loving, caring, kind, and respectful…and who will give you the love you deserve.


  88. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Liz,

    I’m sorry that you’re so upset about your fiance leaving…it’s heartbreaking to be blamed for a relationship not working out, especially when you loved your boyfriend so much.

    The first thing you need to do is accept that it’s over. Stop texting and calling him; if he changes his mind and decides he wants to talk to you, he knows where to find you! He knows that you love him and want to be with him.

    Give him the space and time to figure out what he wants. If you’re constantly contacting him, he won’t have a chance to miss you — and he may even get irritated and angry at you.

    So, my first bit of advice for getting over this breakup up is leaving him alone.

    Secondly, I encourage you to talk to a counselor. If you’re feeling depressed and like you can’t get out of bed, then you need help dealing with this breakup! Your friends can’t give you the support you need, and neither can the internet. You’re dealing with extreme feelings of anxiety, confusion, sadness, and despair — and it can be really difficult to get over those feelings alone! It might help you to talk to a counselor, and figure out how to get closure without talking to your ex-boyfriend — who can’t give you what you need.

    If you have a distress line or women’s help line in your area, you could call them. Maybe all you need is an hour or so of talking to someone who can give you some clarity and insight….

    Please reach out for support in person. Call a counselor or support line, and take control of your life! You CAN and WILL find the strength and courage to get over this heartbreak….it’ll just take time and effort.

    I wish you all the best….and I hope you remember that you will soon feel good enough to be happy and love again!


  89. Hello,

    I need your help please. I am so confused and can hardly think right. I have a boyfriend (i’m his first and he is my first) for almost 8 yrs. now. But within that 8 yrs., i would say we have been physically together less than a month. We are both working but he is always busy, he always say he have much to do. Time had been an issue between us since then until now. I love him, he says he loves me tru text never personally and i can not feel it. I know in my mind he does not love me but why am i sticking to this relationship, hoping in my herat that he does love me. I am always the one who text, who call, who make ways to see him, i am losing my self respect, i hate myself for this but i can don’t know what am i supposed to do. Should i go and talk to him? what will i say? What if he says he loves me and i get lost again?I want somebody to frankly tell me that i am wrong. All my friends are not saying anything anymore, maybe they think there is nothing they can do about it anymore. One thing more he is a bisexual, i knew it from the start but still i love him. Please wake me up… 8 yrs is too much…

  90. Hi,

    Its been a month now ever since my fiance left me without any closure. He didn’t even see me face to face but just left me and put all the blame on me for the relationship not working out. I had been begging and been miserable for the past 1 month and with many friends support, i still find myself can’t letting go of him. I called and text him everyday but he will just ignore me. I should be in the position to be mad at him for leaving me without even seeing me,but instead i still do silly stuffs to get him back. Lots of people telling me that i deserve someone better but i couldnt even move on with my life now. Im just lying in my bed everyday and now i’m being diagnosed with depression. I tried reading lots of articles online on how to move on but i still cant let it go. I keep dwelling in my past.
    Pls advice me how to move on before i go insane. I cant even let him go in the first place. How?

  91. Hi,

    Its been a month now ever since my fiance left me without any closure. He didn’t even see me face to face but just left me and put all the blame on me for the relationship not working out. I had been begging and been miserable for the past 1 month and with many friends support, i still find myself can’t letting go of him. I called and text him everyday but he will just ignore me. I should be in the position to be mad at him for leaving me without even seeing me,but instead i still do silly stuffs to get him back. Lots of people telling me that i deserve someone better but i couldnt even move on with my life now. Im just lying in my bed everyday and now i’m being diagnosed with depression. I tried reading lots of articles online on how to move on but i still cant let it go. I keep dwelling in my past.
    Pls advice me how to move on before i go insane. I cant even let him go in the first place. How?

    1. I know what you are going through….don’t do this to yourself and you are correct he was the one that always wanted out and blamed you so that it could be easier on him to move forward in which that is what he wanted to do. It saves him from being the bad guy, but now you have taken it to another level and you keep hounding him. If you wanted him back, you should have just let him go and let him remember why he was with you but you didn’t give him a chance to miss you at all. Don’t do this to yourself because you don’t deserve this, no one does. You need to put your big girl boots on strap them on and get on with your life. You calling him everyday is just putting you in a situation that you shouldn’t have put yourself in. Be blessed that it ended before you got married because it would have been so much worse after taking your vows. You have the opportunity to move forward and find someone that will treat you and give you the love you deserve. Get off your bed and start living again.

  92. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Hi Rochelle,

    I’m sorry to hear about you and your ex…and that it’s taking so long to let him go. I’m especially sorry to hear about your miscarriages….that’s hard to take.

    Did you have a question about breaking up when you don’t have relationship closure? You mentioned asking for advice, but I don’t see a question. Are you wondering how to trust your feelings? I’d love to help if I can!


  93. This is the first time I asked for advice on a site like this. My ex and I broke up 10 months ago, but we officially ended right before Christmas. I was with him over 2 years and in that time we had 3 miscarriages. The last miscarriage was before Christmas.

    Everything was going so well at the beginning. I mean we had some issues, but I thought our relationship was strong enough to get through those tough times. Until that day I found that email a woman hoped not to find. Along with other things. It crushed me. I am in my mid 30’s and I waited to have children with someone I love and with patience, he was presented to me. I truly thought he was the one. You just know…at least I thought I did. I feel like I can’t trust my feelings anymore.

  94. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Hi Merle,

    I’m sorry to hear about your relationship — that’s sad, that he’s not willing to talk about where your marriage is going. But I have to say, it sounds like you’re better off without him! I know that getting over a breakup isn’t necessarily easier when the relationship was unhealthy — and when you don’t have relationship closure. But, it may help to remember that your marriage wasn’t lifting you or your kids up…and sometimes the worst thing that can happen to us (divorce, separation, lost love) can turn out to be the best.

    I’ve written several articles on letting go of someone you love, and won’t repeat all that information here. But, these links might help — and I encourage you to read the guest comments. They’ll help you see you’re not alone, and that you CAN heal and move on from this heartbreak.

    What to Do When He Doesn’t Love You Anymore

    How to Let Go of Someone You Love

    Each article has links to other similar articles. I hope this helps, and wish you the best of luck.


  95. Question: I met and married a guy that I worked with, at the time I had three children from a previous relationship of 16 yrs, he had been married 3 times with numerous girlfriends/fiancee’s (found out afterwards). Anyway to cut a long story short, we have been married for 13+ years and know that my children (20,17 & 14) are older and able to stand up to him with his verbal abuse he has turned everything round and left blaming the children for him leaving telling everyone they verabally abuse and swear at him which is just not true. I however for some stupid reason still love him and miss him but no matter how much I try talk to him he doesnt return my emails or texts about where our relationship is going. He does talk to me every day though, I am just so confused and feeling as if I have lost a part of me (like someone has died). How do I move on and stop chasing him like a lost dog.

  96. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Renee,

    You need to find the strength to let go of this man, because he’s not interested in building a relationship with you. You know he’s not committed to you, you know he’s chasing other women, and you know he doesn’t make you feel good about yourself as a woman.

    How can you find the strength and courage to let go of him? You could try and figure out why you’re having such a hard time breaking up with him. It’s not just because you love him…there’s something else there. Maybe you’re scared nobody else will love you, or maybe you don’t think you deserve to be loved. I don’t know. You could think about getting counseling to help you figure out what’s holding you back.

    Another option is to read up on letting go of unhealthy relationships. Go to your local library and browse through the relationships section until you find the books that resonate with you.

    Call a counselor or women’s help line, and let me know how it goes…


  97. Hello all, maybe you all can help me. I am having a hard time letting go of the father of my children. To kind of make a long story short, im 34, hes 32, we have two children together. we broke up many years ago and just recently went back to dating. when we broke up before, it wasnt by choice but he had to go away so we drifted apart. i was left to raise the kids alone and i struggled. he came home 5 years later and i was in another relationship with someone i was very compatible with. that relationship ended, he was not ready. i never had any intentions on being back with my kids father. i was still hurt over my ex leaving. my kids father was a rebound for me and he was doing everything right! We were dating and he was just so king and considerate to me but i was not ready to give him me again, he kept pressuring me, i then jumped into with him and i always told him that if we were to ever be back together, we would have to be commited and get married so hear i am, not even a year out of my other relationship and now im back with the father of my kids planning a wedding. all the while, my heart wouldnt rest, i knew with my kids father wasnt where i was to be yet, so i told him lets slow things down and get to know each other again, well things then went all wrong. i dont know if he was hurt or what but we were not ready to get married and we were just doing because we both felt we should. so i found out he was seeing others and then started to act differently towards me, not our kids but he didnt wanna spend time with me or anything. he changed because i told him no marraige but come to find out he wasnt ready either. anyway, this was a year ago. i then got over my ex and wanted me and my kids father to be together, i felt after he wheeled me back in, he had me but it was like he did that and then changed his mind. he wouldnt talk, just would not wanna talk, wouldnt return text messages, he was seeing someone 8 years younger then him and i was just hurt. we went thru it for a while, i started dating back in June 2009, all this happend prior to that, i got tired of chasing him and him running so i went to move on, i had a friend, nothing major, here comes my kids father, wanting to be back with me, i made the mistake of not asking him what his intentions were and was he ready to be commited, we kind of just fell back in with one another… we took short trips, he did tell me he felt like he was ready to settle so of course i took it and ran with it, we were doing the relationship thing for 6 months til this past September 2009, we had trust issues, he just started doing things like hanging out all day and night and he knew that wasnt exceptable. i just felt like whats going on, i thought u wanted to be here, why are you doing this… we had maybe 2 or three huge huge arguments and i found out he was still seeing that other person, we broke up, he seemd happy and just thought we could go back to just being parents of our children…. so i got past that and he did but i still havent let him go, we still do family day with our children, he still takes me on dates, he buys me birthday presents, Christmas presents, we are still having relations, he pays all my bills while im out of work. he does all this but we are not in a commited relationship. I want more and im settling. He told me he is not ready finally and that it has nothing to do with other females and i just found out he is pursuing another woman. i just dont know how to feel or what to do. he just took me to dinner last Thursday and then that night he was texting another woman asking to see her. I have so much going for myself and i just cant get past him chasing me all that time only to get me and paly games and now it seems im just convienient for him. im with him and the kids on every holiday, im with his family and they love me…. i just dont know what he wants but i need the strength and the closer to walk away but its hard…. PLEASE HELP ME

  98. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Dear Carol,

    I’m glad you found the strength you needed to leave your boyfriend! Even if you don’t end up with your new friend, it’s great that you’re free to rebuild your life and reconnect with someone else in the future.

    Maybe he was your “transitional man” — the one you needed to pry you away from the guy who wasn’t right for you. Like you said, everything happens for a reason!

    I wish you all the best,

  99. I have just gotten out of a 6 year relationship with someone I grew up with. We were at that stage where we were either going to get engaged or things were going to end. For a long time I was feeling restless but I stayed for comfort. During this time I allowed myself to get very close to one of our guy friends and I ended up falling in love with him. Falling in love with my friend gave me the strength I needed to leave my boyfriend. I told my friend how I felt but he was dating someone at the time and is now in a committed relationship with her. I have decided that its time to let go. This isn’t easy as I truly thought he was the one but I believe that everything happens for a reason.

  100. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Hi Liz,

    Thanks for sharing about your break up — I’m so glad you were able to get some closure on your relationship! Sometimes that’s what we need to heal and move on.

    You’ve given people with broken hearts hope for the future….thank you!


  101. My fiance and I seperated 5months ago after 9yrs and 2 children later. He fell right into another relationship 2 weeks later which was a double edge sword. I know its a rebound relationship, but it just showed me why I left…is lack of emotional maturity…I left because I wasn’t growing in the realtionship. I told him that with his choice I couldn’t see or talk to him. It was tooooo painful to take. I was in a place i couldn’t seem to get out of. its been 5 and half months and I just spoke to him about everything that has been bottled up. I called him first and got angre (finally), then I wrote an email expressing more about my angre…which when the angre had been broken off..we spoke in a civil matter and touched alot of things from the past and present. I got off the phone having what I needed to move on, closure.
    I walk away still loving him, but I now redirect my focus on me. I know that I will still have my moments, but I do have more control of my emotions, then letting myself ride with them.
    When your in this space its hard to get out of, but when you finally hit bottom and scratch your way out…you look back being thankful.

  102. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Yes, I wrote a follow up to this article. Here’s the link:

    Letting Go of Someone You Love When You Don’t Have Closure

  103. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

    Thanks for adding your thoughts about relationhip closure, Gini! I really appreciate the energy/intuitive perspective, and agree that it’s important to look at letting go of someone you love from a deeper level.

    Sometimes, finding the benefits of the relationship ending can help lead to closure.

  104. Hi Laurie, Good article.

    Something I’d like to add about no-relationship-closure that might also be helpful is that sometimes the partner ending the relationship doesn’t quite know themselves why they are ending it – it’s more of a feeling or intuitive urge. Because I work from an energetic and spiritual prespective with clients, I’ve seen many times where a relationship that has ended, made no sense to the client I was working with. Even if their partner gave an explanation, they still feel they don’t understand. When they turn inward and look at it from a more energetic/spiritual/intuitve place they begin to see the ‘why’s’. They may not even be able to explain it intellectually but they get it on a deeper level and find peace as a result.

    I’d like to suggest to people who are interested in this perspective to take time in a meditative state and look at the relationship as though it is outside of themself (imagine two roses or symbols a few feet in front of you to represent each partner) and notice what messages come when you ask questions such as:
    – why were we together (purpose of relationship – to grow, learn, love, heal a pattern etc.)?
    – why has it ended (look from both perspectives as sometimes a partner leaves because the other has outgrown them spiritually)?
    – what is the benefit of the relationship ending (there is usually a benefit to anything ending even though it feels painful going through the grieving at first)?
    – what is my next best step (you might get an image of something, a sensation or just a knowing what to do next).

    The important thing is to stay out of the intellect trying to analyze things as that only blocks the higher truth from coming through. Looking at it from a centered, grounded place can be very illuminating.