Remembering the Past Without Feeling Ashamed or Guilty 


What if you could remember your past without shame or guilt? Imagine the freedom of learning from your mistakes, regrets and failures without feeling ashamed or guilty. How light your day, how easy your night, and how joyful your moments!

“Memory is frequently the bond slave of despondency,” writes C.S. Spurgeon in Morning & Evening: A Devotional Classic for Daily Encouragement. “Despairing minds call to remembrance every dark foreboding in the past, and dilate upon every gloomy feature in the present; thus memory, clothed in sackcloth, presents to the mind a cup of mingled gall and wormwood. There is, however, no necessity for this.”

If you’re like me (and the majority of people!), you beat yourself up for past mistakes, failures and regrets. For instance, one of my most popular pet-related articles is dealing with guilt after a dog’s death. I’ve written countless relationship articles about coping the feelings of shame and guilt. In this post, I offer tips on how to remember the past without feeling ashamed or guilty about your choices — including your failures, bad choices, and regrets.





Let’s go back to Spurgeon’s words for a moment. He said depression and despair are the result of memory. In other words, when we remember the dark moments of the past, we feel gloomy and depressed. Ashamed and guilty, sad and upset, ugly and bad.

And that’s exactly what the deceiver wants. The prince of darkness wants us to sit in shame and guilt, to remember our past failures and faults, to feel shame and guilt for every misdeed and misstep. That’s the bad news. 

The good news? So much good news, I can hardly stand it!!! Come, let us dance freely in the light…

3 Tips for Remembering the Past Without Shame or Guilt

These tips on taking the lessons of your life and move boldly into the future apply to all situations, whether you’re feeling guilty about a choice you made or ashamed because of something someone did to you. 

The most important thing to remember is that you get to choose to remember your past in a specific way. You can decide to dwell on the gloom and doom, or the hope and light. The choice is yours.

Remember your past with the brain you had then

Whatever the failure, regret, mistake or bad choice — you did it because of what you knew and thought back then.

Remembering Without Shame or GuiltLet’s just call it a Bad Choice; you can fill in the blank with your own past mistake. You made the Bad Choice because of the circumstances you were in, the resources you had, and the thoughts you knew. Perhaps you would’ve made a different decision now, in hindsight. 

That’s how you learn, grow, and move forward! You make mistakes and you learn from them. You become wise only if you actually change your behavior. If you sit in shame and guilt when you remember the Bad Choice of your past, then you aren’t being wise. You’re being foolish. You’re playing the deceiver’s game, and you’re losing out on all that is good, pure, light and holy. And it’s all your fault.



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Use the brain you have now

Back then, with the brain you had then, you made a Bad Choice. But now you have a different brain. Your brain has learned and grown, matured and maybe even flourished. It would’ve be the sharp brain it is now if you hadn’t made that Bad Choice. That Bad Choice actually helped you become smarter and wiser! Maybe. Unless, of course, all you do is remember your past with feelings of shame and guilt. Then you’re not getting any smarter. You’re just getting older.

If you know Jesus, you have the added amazing miraculous benefit of forgiveness. Not only has He forgiven your failures, regrets, mistakes and Bad Choices, He deems it sinful for you to feel ashamed and guilty for remembering your past in unhealthy, unholy ways. Isn’t that something? You are called to forgive yourself — because if you don’t forgive yourself, you’re holding on to something Jesus forgot long ago. If you hold on to your Bad Choice, you are making yourself the god of your own life. And you, my friend, are no god.

Make a smart choice and stick to it

Remembering the Past Without Feeling Ashamed or Guilty“Wisdom can readily transform memory into an angel of comfort,” writes Spurgeon in Morning & Evening: A Devotional Classic for Daily Encouragement.

“That same recollection which in its left hand brings so many gloomy omens, may be trained to bear in its right a wealth of hopeful signs. She need not wear a crown of iron, she may encircle her brow with a fillet of gold, all spangled with stars.”

How about that? Instead of remembering the past with shame and guilt, why not allow yourself to be comforted by your memories? Imagine star-spangled memories, peaceful recollections, joyful remembrances of times past. Wouldn’t that be something?

Pick up the power

You have the power to choose how you will remember the past. You can keep slogging along in the pit of despair. You can trudge through the despair of feeling ashamed and guilty, the hopeless gloom of your mistakes, regrets, failures and Bad Choices. You can drown in the darkness with the deceiver, suffocate in the lies and deceptions.

Or, you can pick up Jesus’ light saber! Step into His river of life, His rushing waters of cleansing,  His beauty, joy and peace. You can fight the darkness — you can learn how to remember the past without feeling ashamed or guilty. It can be as fast and simple as imagining yourself in a rushing river of cleansing forgiveness, or as slow and steady as working through your guilt and shame with a trusted mentor, coach or counselor.

Will it be easy for you to start remembering the past without feeling ashamed or guilty? I don’t know. You tell me, in the comments section below. 

How to Remember the Past Without Shame or Guilt

How to Remember the Past Without Shame or GuiltIn Lazarus Awakening: Finding Your Place in the Heart of God, Joanna Weaver shares the story of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus in a fresh way.

Open your heart to the truth that you are cherished — apart from anything you accomplish, apart from anything you bring. Just as He called Lazarus forth to new life, Jesus wants to free you to live fully in the light of His love, unhindered by fear, regret, or self-condemnation.

Joanna also wrote the perennial bestseller, Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World.

If your spouse’s bad choices, failures and weaknesses are a source of shame and guilt in your marriage, read 6 Ways to Deal With Your Husband’s Past Secrets.

What do you think about my tips on how to remember the past without feeling ashamed or guilty? Your thoughts – big and little – are welcome below! I read every comment, but don’t worry: I won’t give advice or tell you what to do. It’s your turn to talk.

“Prayerfully rake the ashes of the past, and you will find light for the present.” – Spurgeon.

xo



SheBlossoms Laurie Pawlik Kienlen


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6 thoughts on “Remembering the Past Without Feeling Ashamed or Guilty 

  • Edna

    Thank you, Laurie. I was a little down on myself today because of the bad choice with Coco. Thinking about what I should have done. It is no coincidence I read your timely article. I guess the deceiver was accusing me again. I thought I was doing okay because I am able to think about what happened without guilt and shame. I don’t know what happened today.

  • lia

    My puppy. My love, my life, my reason for living. I had to give my puppy away, I didnt want to and was really pressured into this. I met her and her 7siblings and her mummy of only 1 year old. I brought this pup up from very young age. I love her and am heartbroken. It will be 1 year and I keep track of the days, when I the married couple with daughter who wanted her took her on 20 July 2017. The husband finally pushed to pick her up after work. They do live in a very expensive house near water and beach and can have my little girl puppy inside / outside as their house is built this way. My home was not suitable and I was not well. I focused all my life energy on her and would give my life for her, & nearly probably did. I was litetally just surviving
    on nervous energy. I realised I could not live without her and immediately tried to get her back as she is my lifeline. Especially after so much trauma and loss previously in my life. However the family did not want to give her back. I have not lived for one year now. A thing not unfamiliat to my life as I have experienced so much loss since I was born or first conscious at 2years old. I was Sad, so sad and aware at 2 years old myself yet excelled early on my own at academic, artistic, body – running and martial arts. But I love dogs naturally and my first best friend for years was a dog. This continued all my life.
    In this case urgent advice needed??
    Do I ask for her back? Do i ask how she is? To see her? Will this upset my pup who is now 1 year & 6months old. She was with me 24/7 for our first 6 months. It was due to “external” circumstances of housing, finances, no support; my health still not recovered from recent (prior to pup) loss of my partner in life to cancer at 63 years after 2 and half year battle. And so many other losses.

    What do I do about my puppy? I probably couldn’t look after her the way she needs at this time still as my house is not liveable. My health is not good physically and mentally anxiety from too much external stress about housing and finances still the same. But I love her. I know how I want to live. I did walk her run her play, go to the beach few times a day; play in large backyard; go everywhere together. But she loved being out of the house & backyard abd with others and seemed an extravert dog. While loving me completely and wanting this for me too. But I couldn’t keep up. Im not yet set up in life practically in life again for this to provide this for her.
    So tired. Please help. Lia and my love Missy.

    • Edna

      Hi Lia – From one dog lover to another, I can understand your pain and loneliness without your puppy. As dog lovers, however, we have to think about what is best for our fur babies. You mention that you are not well and admit that you do not have a suitable home for your dog. You say you are stressed and suffering from anxiety so it looks like you need to be taking care of yourself. Having your dog back at this time would add more stress and perhaps become too overwhelming for you financially, emotionally and physically. It sounds like your puppy is having the time of her life in her new home. Isn’t this what you really want for your puppy? A good home where she is happy. Sometimes what we can’t have, we want all the more. Try to start letting go of your fur baby (is her name Missy)? In time, when things are more stable for you, you may fall in love with another doggie who will love you back more than you can imagine. Please think of yourself and the dog by moving forward. I say this in kindness and love. Edna

  • Edna

    It has been just over a year since my dog died due to a medication error I had made. He was 17 when he took ill and I attributed his illness to him naturally dying due to old age. I waited a few days days before taking him to the vet where he was euthanized. A week later, I discovered the real reason for his death. I felt such guilt, shame and regret for a long time. I reached out to my pastor and I reached out to Laurie through She Blossoms for comfort and support because I felt if I didn’t tell someone, I would become depressed. I felt like I was a bad person and thought of all the “woulda, coulda, shoulda things I could have done for Coco but didn’t. I also phoned prayer lines for support for prayers and did alot of crying. I quoted Bible verses to myself such as Romans 8:1 and Philippians 4:6-8. It has been a process but I can now think about the tragedy withoit regret, guilt and shame. I know the Lord’s healing hand has been in all this too. He did not condemn me but I sure did. I had to learn to forgive myself and let go of the past that I can’t change anyway. I had to choose not to think about what happened or rehearse over snd over how I could have done better. I had to stop telling myselt that I am just a “big, dumb, stupid person”and other negative self-talk. Funnily enough, I found the memes and posting on facebook very helpful and encouaging. Many wewe Bible based or Christan thought. One posting I read today said “If your past comes calling, don’t answer because it has nothing new to tell you.” How true!! You can rehash in your mind over and over how you could have done better but you won’t discover anything new and you’ll only beat yourself up again. My healing was a process. The process could have been shorter but I felt I had deserved to feel bad. I realized thatJesus came to give me life and give it more abundantly but that I had to choose this abundant life and find freedom in Christ. One good thing about this tradgedy is that I found Laurie and discovered She Blossoms. I love this group and I never would have looked for such a group otherwise.

    • Laurie Post author

      Thank you for being here, Edna! I remember when we first met, and how hard it was for you to say goodbye to Coco. The shadow of her death will never disappear, for she was greatly loved! And with great love comes great sorrow. She lives on in your heart and spirit, and you will meet her again one day.

      And you know what? Your experience has helped others! A reader thanked you for your comments on my Words of Comfort When Your Heart is Broken article:
      https://blossomtips.com/words-of-comfort-when-your-heart-is-broken/

      With love,
      Laurie