How to Deal With Guilty Feelings After Your Dog’s Death

Even if you didn’t cause your dog’s death, you still feel guilty. It’s a natural response to pet loss. If you accidentally killed your pet dog, you’ll be overwhelmed with guilty feelings. Here, you’ll find help dealing with the pain and grief.

I am so sorry for your loss. It’s heartbreaking to cope with a pet’s death; the grief when your dog dies feels overwhelming and heartbreaking. I can’t imagine exactly how you feel, but I’ve grieved the loss of two dogs and three cats. I know the heartbreak of a beloved pet’s death.

I’ve also heard from hundreds of readers who were somehow involved in their dog’s death. Some were directly responsible for accidentally causing their dogs to die, while others feel like they put their dogs to sleep too soon. After you read my tips on how to deal with guilty feelings after a dog’s death, read through the comments section. You’ll feel both better and worse. You’ll see you are not alone.

If you accidentally hurt your dog – or you wonder if you put your dog to sleep too soon – you’ll feel overwhelmed with guilt and shame. You loved your dog with all your heart. The last thing you wanted to do was cause your dog harm or death.

Most pet owners deal with guilty feelings after their dog dies. They struggle to learn how to live without their best friends after pet loss. In this article, you’ll find a variety of practical and emotional ways to deal with guilty feelings after your dog dies. These ideas may or may not work for you, but I encourage you to at least think about them. Working through the guilty feelings after the loss of your dog will help you heal from the pain.

Guilty Feelings After the Loss of Your Dog

Dealing With Guilt After the Loss of a Dog

The most important thing to remember is that you’re not alone! Read through the comments section below, and you’ll see that whatever part you played in your dog’s death was a tragic accident.

These tips for dealing with guilt after you caused your dog’s death are inspired by a reader who shared his guilty feelings about putting his dog to sleep. At the end of this article, I listed a few books on on coping with pet loss and dealing with guilty feelings about the loss of a dog.

Saying good-bye to your beloved dog is heartbreaking. It’s even worse if you feel guilty about your dog’s death. Your heart and home will never be the same; I am sorry for your loss. Make sure you allow yourself to grieve in healthy ways.

If you need comfort rather than tips on dealing with guilty feelings, read Comforting Prayers for the Loss of a Beloved Dog.

Dealing With Guilt After Your Dog Dies

Some pet owners accidentally kill their dog by leaving or putting them in harm’s way. No matter how your dog died, remember that you didn’t purposely cause your pet’s death. When you’re dealing with guilty feelings because you think your actions led to your dog dying, remember that you would have done things different if you knew the future.

You did not deliberately harm your dog. It was an accident, and if you could turn back time, you would.

Learn the difference between guilt and shame

A healthy step towards dealing with guilty feelings after your dog dies is to learn the difference between guilt and shame.

Guilt – if you have forgiven yourself – can be a positive feeling. It can actually encourage you to have more empathy for others. Guilt can help you make amends, take corrective action, and improve yourself. But you have to learn self-forgiveness before you can turn guilt around after the loss of a dog.

Self-forgiveness is essential to enjoying your life and relationships because you will always have something you need to forgive yourself for! Whether it’s not protecting your dog, forgetting something important, or accidentally saying something hurtful…we constantly need to forgive ourselves because we are human. We are constantly making mistakes, poor choices, selfish decisions.

And we cause accidents. Sometimes we accidentally hurt the dogs we love so much, and we feel guilty.

How to Deal With Guilt After the Loss of Your Dog

How to Deal With Guilt After the Loss of Your Dog

If you let it, guilt will become an unrelenting source of pain. You might believe that you should feel guilty and condemn yourself not once, but repeatedly. Guilt also may simmer in your unconscious. Either way, this kind of guilt is insidious and self-destructive and can destroy your life.

Shame is how you feel about yourself – it’s hating who you are. Guilt is regretting the decision you made, but accepting that you are human and you made a mistake.

Shame causes you to feel inferior, inadequate, or bad about who you are versus what you did. If you don’t learn how to deal with your guilty feelings and forgive yourself for not protecting your dog, your guilt will turn into shame. Shame is destructive, and has no positive effects.

When you feel guilty, you feel bad about something you did. Guilt can be empowering because it can motivate you to see others with compassion. Guilt – when it’s resolved – can make you a better, wiser, kinder, more loving person. Unresolved guilt and shame will lead to greater self-preoccupation, selfishness, and unhealthy relationships.

18 Ideas for Forgiving Yourself After Your Dog’s Death

In How Do You Forgive Yourself, Darlene Lancer shares 18 steps to forgiving yourself.  I revised and adapted her tips to fit our experience of dealing with guilty feelings after causing a dog’s death:

  1. Take responsibility for your actions. “Okay, I did this. My actions  led to my dog’s death, and I feel like dying because of the guilt, grief, and pain.”
  2. Write a story about what happened to your dog, including how you felt about yourself and others involved before, during, and after the loss of your dog. You can share your experience below, in the comments section. Read through the comments – you will see that you are not alone.
  3. Consider what your needs were at that time, and whether they were being met. If not, why not? This will help you see why you acted the way you did. For example, if you accidentally left your dog in a hot car you will see that you needed to do x, y, and z. That is what motivated you to forget your dog.
  4. What were your motives for the decision you made? What or who was the catalyst for your behavior?
  5. How were your feelings and mistakes handled when you were growing up? Were they forgiven, judged, or punished? Who was hard on you? Were you made to feel ashamed? It’s harder for us to forgive ourselves and deal with guilty feelings after a dog’s death when we haven’t learned forgiveness as children.
  6. Evaluate the standards by which you’re judging yourself. Are you struggling with guilt because of values that you haven’t chosen to adopt? Maybe you’re living by your parents’, your friends’, or your spouse’s values.
  7. How did your actions affect you and others? Whom did you hurt? Include yourself on the list. Acknowledge that you are in more pain than your dog is.
  8. Write your dog a letter.  Here’s something surprising but worth trying: write a letter of apology to your dead dog. Yes, I am serious! Clear 30 minutes in your schedule, sit down in a private spot where you can write and weep, and tell your dog what happened. This will help you process and deal with your guilty feelings about your dog’s death.
  9. Relive the experience, with the benefit of knowing what the future holds. Looking back, what healthier beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and actions would have prevented your dog’s death? It’s possible that you made the decision to put your dog to sleep. It’s also very possible that you would make that same decision today, even though you feel guilty about the loss of a dog.
  10. Have you struggled with perfectionism in the past? Has this improved your overall well-being? Perfection is illusory and a manifestation of underlying shame.
  11. Would you forgive someone else for doing what you did? Is it true that what you did was unforgivable?
  12. How does it benefit you to continue to punish yourself for accidentally causing your dog’s death?
  13. Write yourself an empathic letter of understanding, appreciation, and forgiveness. If you had a forgiving mom, compassionate teacher, or wise counselor, pretend you are her. Write from her perspective. Tell her how your dog died, and ask her to help you deal with guilty feelings surrounding the loss of your dog.
  14. Write a letter from your dog’s perspective. On second thought, this might be too painful. I don’t know. Consider it; if you think it may help you deal with guilty feelings about your dog’s death, then try it.
  15. Everyday, repeat the words of kindness and forgiveness from one of your letters, such as, “I’m innocent,” “I forgive myself,” and “I love myself.” Remember that healthy remorse can lead to humility, compassion, love, and love in your life.
  16. Share honestly with others what you did – but don’t share with those who might judge you. You are welcome to write about what happened to your dog in the comments section below. You will never be judged or shamed here, no matter how your dog died or what you did. Remember that keeping secrets prolongs guilt and shame.

It is entirely possible to forgive yourself and still believe you were at fault, just as you might forgive someone else even though you think the person was in the wrong. Learning how to deal with guilty feelings after the loss of a dog is about acceptance and growth, but not self-condemnation and shame.

How to Cope With Guilt After the Loss of Your Beloved DogYou can regret what you did, and at the same time accept that you made a mistake. You did your best given your circumstances, awareness, maturity, and experience at the time. This is a healthy, humble attitude.

Do you feel like it’s impossible to forgive yourself? It may be helpful to talk to a grief counselor. Consider seeing one who specializes in pet loss or animal therapy.

And, remember the difference between guilt and shame. If you’re suffering from shame, you will be struggling with self-loathing, guilt, and feeling bad about yourself. This can be healed in therapy.

If you aren’t ready to work through your guilty feelings, read Words of Comfort When Your Heart is Broken.

Identify “inappropriate” guilt about the loss of your dog

Not recognizing that your Yorkie, Doberman, or terrier was ill doesn’t mean that you weren’t paying attention or taking good care of him or her! This is imagined guilt. Dogs can’t always communicate their physical health; pet owners can’t see inside their bodies and brains.

Another type of inappropriate guilt is if you’ve accidentally caused your dog’s death by letting him out, keeping him in, or losing track of his whereabouts. If you did not deliberately set out to harm your pet, then you have nothing to feel guilty about. I know this is easier said than done – and it takes effort to forgive yourself.

If you’re dealing with inappropriate guilt because of your dog’s death, remember that sometimes illness or disease overcomes our dogs and other beloved pets…and there’s nothing we can do. This loss of control is a very painful — but real — part of life.

Remember that it’s normal to feel guilty when your dog dies

Whether your guilt is real or imagined, know that it is a normal grief reaction. Even the most “innocent” pet owners feel guilt over a pet’s death. For instance, I now cringe when I recall how angry I was at my beloved cat, Zoey, for scratching the basement door (I didn’t realize the door to her litter box was shut tight, and she couldn’t get in). That was over 12 years ago, and I still feel guilty! Healing after you had to put your dog down often requires forgiving yourself.

dealing with guilt pet lossGoodbye, Friend: Healing Wisdom for Anyone Who Has Ever Lost a Pet by Gary Kowalski s the number one bestselling book on pet loss and grief on Amazon. I love the book because it offers both heartwarming stories and practical guidance on grieving the loss of a pet. It’ll help you deal with guilt when you caused your pet’s death and forgive yourself for whatever role you played.

From the moment your dog entered your life, you knew the day would arrive that you would have to say farewell. Still, few of us are emotionally prepared to deal with guilt and grief after the loss of a dog. 

In Goodbye, Friend, Gary Kowalski takes you on a journey of healing, offering warmth and sound advice on how to cope with the death of your dog. Filled with heartwarming stories and practical guidance on such matters as taking care of yourself while mourning, creating rituals to honor your dog’s memory, and talking to children about death, Goodbye, Friend is a beautiful and comforting book for anyone grieving the loss of a dog.

Identify “appropriate” guilt about your dog’s death

Real guilt may spring from your feelings that you neglected your dog annual vaccinations, daily food intake, exercise habits, and “quality time” with you. If you’re struggling with real guilt, remember that you had reasons for doing what you did. The stress of money, work, kids, marriage, and daily life may have taken precedence over how you treated your beloved dog. Maybe you didn’t make the best choices.

Healing after the loss of a dog involves accepting that you wish you would’ve done things differently — and talking this through with your family, friends, or loved ones.

Remember what you did right — because you did a lot right

Your dog loved you unconditionally, beyond all reason – so you must have done something right. How did you love and take care of your dog? Balance your real guilt with the real ways you loved your dog. You took good care of your dog in so many ways for so many years. Acknowledge the love you shared, not just the end that came too soon.

Do you feel like you caused your dog’s death? I encourage you to share your experience in the comments section below. Talking and writing about it is healthier than ignoring it, and can help you process your grief. I can’t offer advice on what to do about accidentally causing your dog’s death, but it may help you to share what happened. Sometimes writing brings clarity and insight.

Forgive yourself after the loss of your dog

You may find How to Forgive Yourself for Not Protecting Your Dog helpful, especially if you feel like you’ll never experience the peace of self-forgiveness.

May you forgive yourself after your dog’s death. Know that your dog has forgiven you, and your dog knows it was an accident! You would never have hurt your dog if you knew what was going to happen. Your dog is free and happy now, and resting in peace. May God give you peace, heal your soul, and help you open your heart to love another dog.

“If there is a heaven, it’s certain our animals are to be there,” says Pam Brown. “Their lives become so interwoven with our own, it would take more than an archangel to detangle them.”

Help Dealing With Your Dog’s Death

Farewell, Friend: A Gentle Guide to Saying Goodbye to Your DogIn Farewell, Friend: A Gentle Guide to Saying Goodbye to Your Dog, I share a variety of different and healing ways to cope with pet loss. Grief is painful when faced in big chunks; my tips are designed to be “bite-sized”, which means you won’t have to sit and read through a huge amount of difficult information about healing after a pet dies.

To write this ebook – which you can have immediate access to – I interviewed veterinarians, grief counselors, and pet experts for the best ways to survive the death of a beloved dog, and I included stories from real pet owners who coped with guilt and grief in sometimes surprising ways.

How to Cope With Guilt After Your Cat or Dog DiesIn Going Home: Finding Peace When Pets Die, Jon Katz addresses the difficult but necessary topic of saying goodbye to a beloved pet. Accidentally causing your dog’s death or pain is an extremely difficult experience, but you don’t have to go through it alone. Jon draws on personal experiences, stories from fellow pet owners, and philosophical reflections to help pet owners grieve the loss of their dogs. He gently asks readers to consider if they gave their dogs good lives and if they used their best judgment in the end. In dealing with these issues, you will deal with guilt about your dog’s death, and let go of the pain.

I welcome your thoughts on dealing with guilty feelings after the loss of a dog. I can’t offer advice our counselling, but you may find it helpful to share your experience. Writing is one of the best ways to process grief and guilt after your dog dies, and can help you resolve your feelings.

Dealing with guilt after the loss of a dog isn’t just about grieving; it’s about cherishing the best parts of your life with your dog. If you feel like you’ll never be happy again, read How to Recover From Loss and Survive Grief.

And, read through the comments below. You’ll see that you’re not alone. No matter what caused a dog’s death, we always feel guilty after. We always feel like we could have and should have done more. But we need to accept our loss, and let our dogs to rest in peace.


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983 thoughts on “How to Deal With Guilty Feelings After Your Dog’s Death”

  1. I loved my baby girl so much. She was my girlfriends maltese. 5 y/o.

    She barked a lot. Tortured me with keeping me up at night on a daily basis barking. I thought it would also lead to eviction.

    In January of this year my girlfriend ran into my room as I was sleeping. Our dog had gotten caught in wires from my keyboard and fell off the couch. She was stupering afterwards and her had involuntarily limb movements. 5 minutes later she seemed okay so we thought she was fine.

    2 weeks later I was with her and she was being really bad barking non stop as I was concentrating on my taxes. I finally had enough and gave her a backhand to the butt and grabbed her snout and applied some pressure and told her to stop it and then released my grip. After about 3 seconds she looked like she was trying to sneeze and let out a very high pitched howl and locked her gums/lips.

    I immediately became concerned as I had never hurt her before and did not even mean to in the first place. I checked her gums and no bleeding or anything. She stood up and I picked her up to put her down. She wanted to sit alone. I felt so terrible. I got her a mint treat and she wouldn’t eat it. This was her favorite treat. After my girlfriend came home she seemed alright and ate her treat.

    Fast forward 2 months and everything seemed fine. Then out of nowhere my girlfriend was playing with her on her bed and as she went for a long stretch she made the same high pitched crying sound and I ran into the room. Now her back left leg was limping. She was now limping a bit on her back left leg.

    We now knew she needed to see a vet. The next day we went and the vet said it could be her lower back. Sent us home with pain killers and that was that. She was happy and seemed okay.

    The next day we wake up with the same high pitched howl as she was in our bed at 4 a.m. I rushed to her and comforted her and we were scared as hell. She relaxed and seemed okay. Back to the vets that morning.

    The vet took x-rays and blood. Nothing out of the ordinary except 2 lower lumbar disks that were “mildly” compressed. They told us to avoid her jumping from the couch or bed. We were relieved.
    We went home and not long afterwards she went in a couple of circles and her mouth was foaming. She was scared. Again to the vet. They said she seemed okay and to take her meds.

    Once we arrived home from the vet she was staring at a wall, wasn’t on the couch with us. She was drooling like I’ve never seen. She wasn’t eating or drinking or anything and her mouth was uncontrollably twitching. Her front left paw was now being dragged a little as well.

    That night we awoke again at 4 a.m to her growling aggreasively at seemingly nothing. She wouldn’t let us close to her and wouldn’t stop. We had to sleep in another room and she didn’t follow. We called the vet and they said to leave her for now as it could be rabies.

    We got up and brought her to the vet. They suggested it may be neurological and that we have to wait until monday to see a specialist. We went home and she finally relaxed with us but couldn’t really walk.

    She nibbled at some cheese we gave her and drank some water that I have her right before bed. This was her last night.

    We woke up and she was looking at us almost as if she didn’t sleep. We tended to her, have her her pain medication and muscle relaxant. 2 minutes later her eyes were moving quickly and it looked like it maybe have been a stroke. She got up with the strength she had and adjusted to get comfortable. She was breathing heavily and breathed a peaceful last breath.

    We are devastated. All I can do now is wonder if I caused her death by back handing her backside and putting pressure on her snout. It’s killing me inside. Please help.

    Thank you.

  2. We put our 13-yr-old terrier mix to sleep last week. We rescued her 22 years ago, and it was a mistake from the beginning. We were misled by the shelter as to her temperament around other dogs and kids. We already had a young collie at the time. The minute we brought the terrier home, she started growling at our other dog. We chalked it up to being in a new environment etc. Then she tried to bite my grandson a few days later during a visit. We took her back to the shelter but they said they were going to put her down. I grew up in a home where we didn’t give up on our pets. I felt guilty so we brought her back home and we dealt with her for 12 years. We loved her and took care of her, but couldn’t give her a lot of affection due to her aggression. We couldn’t have company over, including my own grandkids! She would go after our collie on occasion too but never actually hurt her. A couple months ago, she started attacking our collie more regularly, causing actual physical harm to her. She also started growling at me if I got close to her. Our collie is the sweetest dog I’ve ever had. She’s 14 and I wanted her to spend whatever time she has left without being in fear of our other dog. We could no longer groom her either. Even with a muzzle AND spoons of peanut butter to distract her, she would try to bite when we tried to trim her nails. She wasn’t sick when we put her down. She had just gotten way too aggressive for even me to put up with. Like I said, we all loved her the best we could for 12 years. She was never abused or mistreated. We just feel really guilty for having her put down.

  3. My 7 year old dogs death happened 6 days ago. Each day of grief and remembrance seems worse than the day before. This dog had such panache, and anyone who came into contact with him could see it. He loved his home with me and my still living other dog. He let me know when it was time to go to bed, time to get up, took a change in routine in stride, and when I was working long days, he would know to drink his water when I got home so he didn’t have to go. He even camouflaged his poop in tall bushes when he went. He always knew where I was, and he would howl for joy EVERY time I came home from work. I had started taking him in the woods behind my house for evening walks because my neighbor started to get irritated at him wandering over there. I started taking his leash off while we walked the trails at the church sanctuary. Even if he chased deer, he was pretty safe because it was far away from roads. It was all neighborhood. It also relieved pressure on me for his voracious need to be out. This particular day, I left his leash off although we were nearing the road. There were deer in the trees which I couldn’t see and he took off after them. One nearly trampled me, she was very close and ran away. The other headed for the road which I didn’t know as I called my dog again and again in the trees. It didn’t occur to me that he may have run into the street. I then heard the hit. No tires, just his body hit the car. The lady got out and screamed, I just hit a dog!!! Other cars stopped. The man gently carried my dog’s limp but still alive body to the grass. He was in shock when I came down there to get him and saw that it was him that had been hit and not a deer. They helped me get him to the vet, and I was talking to him the whole time, but he died in my car. If I had simply clipped his leash back on when we got out of the woods, my amazing dog would still be alive, I would not be grieving to the point of wanting to die, and I would have spared a lady the grief of hitting someone else’s dog. I have mixed emotions of being lazy and not wanting to have my dog on the leash and the joy of seeing him run free and enjoy those woods so much just a little bit longer. My guilt and shame an inexcusable behavior come from two things. One I knew that there were deer and lots of them in the woods, and two I knew that 100% of the time my dog would chase them. my actions were irresponsible and thoughtless and I cannot forgive myself for a small act that would have saved all of that including my dog’s life. Also I have had to watch my other dog mourn the loss of my first dog. Second I have the knowledge that this lady who hit him is also mourning what she did even though it was an accident. I cannot forgive myself for a lapse in judgment not appreciating the value I had with this amazing animal who trusted me to the millionth degree and I let him down.

    1. Seems like he lived a free life to me. A lot of dogs never get that kind of life. Seems like you just intended to give him his freedom, because that made him happy. We can beat ourselves up but what’s the point. That dog loved you and sometimes life just happens. It’s chaos and we do our best to keep them alive and healthy. We all die one way or the other. Your dog died doing what he loved and free. Not crippled old blind and in constant pain. You will be at peace with it in time, I promise.

  4. Hi…..My 14 1/2 year old chihuahua Willie died unexpectedly and suddenly on May 11, 2020. I have no children so he is my baby. I loved him so much and would do anything for him. On Monday, he was fine that morning. He was happy and he seemed healthy. I saw no red flags. That afternoon he was sitting on the couch and I told him “Go find grandma”(that’s my mom, she lives with me). Willie jumped up,jump off the couch took two steps and collapsed, had a seizure and died. I rushed him to the vet. The vet said he probably suffered cardiac arrest. He said he probably had on going heart disease that caused his cardiac arrest. Willie had a physical two years ago in August and everything checked out great. I did not give him a physical last August because he seemed so happy, healthy and I saw no signs of illness. Apparently,in some cases, heart disease can go unnoticed until it kills. I feel so bad I didn’t take him to get his physical last year. I should have had him in for a check up sooner. Maybe he would still be with me if I had taken him in and got him on heart meds. I miss him so much now. He was my constant companion. I feel so empty….

  5. In two days it will be six months ago that I posted here heartbroken that my dog died. I felt it was my fault, it was a freak accident where he fell and hit his head and hours later had an unstoppable seizure. I agreed for the vet to put him to sleep to stop the suffering I felt he was having. After months I felt a little better but I still cry here and there, even last week about not getting to see him. I had him cremated so I do have his ashes. Last night was my first dream of him and it wasn’t good. He came back to life but as if he had been deceased in a bag all these months. He was more of a skeleton but breathing. I picked him up and was going to run him to the vet. He had come back to life but looking horrible with things I had worried about: weight loss and condition of his teeth before he died. I don’t know what this dream means but I’m sort of back to my initial feelings when it happened. Woke up and cried. Mad, sad.

  6. My dog jumped out the window while I was in the car because I rolled the window down to speak to my boyfriend who was having an asma attack on the side of the road in the middle of the night bc we had a fight and I was leaving, but half way down the road I stopped bc I seen him laying on the ground not breathing, the engine of the car was still running and my puppy chihuahua was lose in the back, I thought she has run to him so I thought it be okay for me to put down the brake and keep rolling down the hill as I rolled down the hill she had gotten under the back wheel and I ran right over my baby! This happened 23/04/20 at around 1am in the morning, we was arguing over stupid shit that afternoon and I just wanted to leave and I had taken all 6of my dogs with me in the back of the car. I didn’t think my dog would jump out the window of the car as she never did before and never got under the car either when it was on. She was only going to turn 6months old this 29/04/20, I knew she was dead as she pissed on me as soon as I could jump out the car to see if she was okay… she was not, she died fully in my arms even though she was dead I still rushed to the vet just in case but I couldn’t save her she was gone… I killed my baby and I feel like an absolute asshole… I’m only 21 years old it’s the first time I’ve had to go through one of my dogs dying but then I’m the one who killed her… all I could do was try rush to several pharmacies after which all was closed and had to find an inhaler somewhere else, along the way my boyfriend nearly dead 5 times as I had to hit him to wake up and breathe bc he wasn’t breathing at one point I even had to stop the car pull him out and pump his chest bc shaking him just wasn’t working anymore and I couldn’t keep drying while trying to save him too. Later that night we burried my dog and we also put her favorite toys with her and made some rocks around her grave 😭😭😭😭😭
    I’m so sorry my lily pie I’ll love you forever and miss you with all my heart ❤️ 🌺😭😭😭

  7. I woke up in the morning to see cat foot prints on my freshly washed car roof, annoyed I unlocked the car opened the back door to stand on the seats to clean the roof. My little toy poodle Finny loved car rides, I didn’t even notice he jumped in the back as I thought we was downstairs with my mum. After I was finished cleaning I shut the door and left with mum to go for smoko. We were gone for 2 hours, when we came home we couldn’t hear him barking and was looking everywhere for him, I thought he might have gotten out. Something clicked in me to check the car and I found him in the back seat dead and stiff. My poor baby died on his own in the back of the car that he loved so much. I immediately broke down and hosed him down doing anything I could that could possible save his life. But I knew he was gone. I still rushed him to the vets to make sure he was dead. I feel so guilty for not paying more attention. He usually barks if I close the car door and he is in there. Why didn’t he bark when I closed the door and walked away. He must have been so scared and I can’t cope. I feel 100% responsible for his death. He was my best friend. I feel so lost and I don’t know what to do. I just wonder what he was thinking when he was locked in there alone. I miss my best friend so much. I know it was an accident but I feel 100% to blame.

  8. Brandon,

    My dog slipped out of his collar and was hit by a car. I was at work and he was with his walker but I felt like you do now because his collar should not have been so loose. This was five years ago (I still get email alerts from this post).

    It took a while — a couple of months — for me to not feel intense guilt. What I did was let myself feel it. I wrote out a letter to my pup saying how sorry I was for not tightening his collar. I’m still sorry and get tears when I think about it but it’s not that overwhelming feeling.

    We do the best we can for them and it’s hard to do everything, every day, right. There were probably a lot of times when you took good care of him, gave him happiness. It’s just chance that this one time, maybe you didn’t (maybe bc you don’t know for sure).

    If any being would be forgiving, a dog would be. That’s the way they are — open and basically good. So I’d say feel it, remember him and then forgive yourself like he probably would.

  9. I have 3 dogs and 2 birds. I love all of my pets very much and they are my life. My one African Grey Parrot (Coz-11 yrs. old) developed a high screech that hurts your ears if you are close by. I talked with my vet and he advised i should take him to a separate cage in another room for time out so he would learn not to do this. I have done this for a couple years without much success. At a moment of weakness and poor choice, i took him out of the cage and ran his head under the sink for just a second to try to indicate this was a reprimand. In a freak accident, he wasn’t able to catch his breath and i killed one of my children, one of my best friends. I know I’ve written this very matter of factly but please know, i’m devastated and heartbroken. I raised him from a baby and bottle fed him. I took him on trips so he wouldn’t be alone or had someone stay at my house and be with him and the other pets. He was very loving and he lived in my kitchen and was always part of every moment of my life in the house. I am not sleeping. I’m drowning in guilt and shame. I was there to be his protector, his friend, his family, and i failed miserably. I go through all the stage of grief, up and down the chart, beating myself up, trying to forgive myself, not feeling worthy of forgiveness. The shame. I don’t even feel comfortable telling people he’s gone because they try to comfort me and he is the one deserving of the comfort, not me. I know i will bear his loss for the rest of my life but my only hope is i can learn to be more patient and be a better pet owner to the remaining 4 animals i still have. i can’t let them down. Like the loss of a family member, there is no replacement for that emptiness in your heart. I’m hoping this letter helps me progress in telling others of my shame and guilt in hopes i can come to grips with the fact that i made a mistake and could never think of taking any animals life. It’s always easy to say, i wish i made another choice and i would take it all back, but you can’t and there’s only forward motion. So here’s to trying that; however painful it is. I don’t get much comfort in knowing i’m not alone as i now feel the pain of all these animals also, but i know that there are many others out there feeling the same way so i do have compassion for you all and hope you do for me as well. I forgive you. Please forgive me.

    1. Hi Gary,

      I feel for you in this situation. I also felt tremendous guilt over my dog’s death which I feel I unintentionally caused. It sounds like it was a horrible accident caused by a stressful situation. Your bird was well cared for for 11 years. Take care of the others and forgive yourself. Time does help. I wish you peace in this time.


  10. I lost my sweet dog, Roxi, a few days ago and it was completely my fault that she died. I can never forgive myself. She was 9 years old and she had been with us since she was a puppy. She was technically my son’s pet, but we all loved her so much because she was always so sweet and smiling. Over the years, I have rescued other dogs that were in critical need of adoption. I love all dogs very much and wish that I could save them all. Roxi did not like having other dogs. She would growl at them and sometimes fights would break out. My last adoption was a dog named Rachel who have been abused. I have had Rachel for 2 years now. The other day, as I came home from the store, the dogs starting fighting and Roxi got bit—but nothing major. I usually leave 3 dogs inside and 2 outside. Inside is usually Roxi, Rachel, and little Sophie who is 11 years old. My son and I had to go to a friend’s house every morning before work because we had a bad water leak and had to turn the water completely off until we could afford a plumber. Things have been very stressful to say the least. When we left that morning to go take showers, I asked my son if I should leave Rachel outside, too. I asked him twice. He said no because Rachel was scared to come in his room. She has always been afraid of him, but loves me. That afternoon when my son got home from work, I receive the worst phone call of my life. My son called and told me that Rachel had killed Roxi. I will never forgive myself for letting my precious Roxi down. My son wants Rachel gone, but I am having a hard time with that, too. Roxi was the sweetest and best dog I have ever known. I am so sorry that I let this happen.

  11. I lost my precious 15-year old male mixed terrior, Terry, on May 20. He died of kidney failure. He was truly my little soul mate, a wonderful and loving little guy, and I miss him terribly. The worst part is that I had stopped taking him for walks in the last months of his life, as I had been too “lazy”, and basically had a lack of energy going through a lot of financial hardships. His whole life I was a great “mommy” to him, but I can’t quit feeling quilty of the last time I put my shoes on (about 3 weeks ago) and he got excited for a walk, I just told him that we’ll go soon, but we never did. Now I’ll never be able to make it up to him and it’s killing me!!!!

  12. I have never done anything like this before, because I am a very private person, but the loss of my baby girl is too much to bear. During my life I have been heartbroken, betrayed, and even stolen from by several human beings. I began to hate everyone, until I realized how much my beautiful border collie, April, loved me. She taught me to be patient and tolerant and accept that people don’t really like me or want to be with me. She not only liked to be with me she couldn’t stand to be without me. We went everywhere together, we were each other’s shadow. I am trying very hard not to be mean to my co-workers who keep saying ” just get another dog”, but their insensitivity just feeds my sadness. April was and will always be the joy of my life. I am just such a mess. i don’t know what to do.

    1. M.M. firstly take no notice of anyone- friend or mere acquaintance who says “just get another…..whatever species….” They dont get it. They dont know that some of us (all on this site i sure) see all animals the same- be they human, dog, cat or in my case sheep. They would not contemplate telling a person who has lost a child “to just go have another one”. But, we have to remember, not everyone feels like us and we have to accept that. Your baby died- grieve in all the stages necessary AND in your own time- there are animal counsellors in some areas who might be good to talk to over the phone if you want. But we, on this site, are all here and feel your pain, we understand x

  13. I just lost my eldest dog 2 days ago. Im so devastated. I feel so guilty and sad for him. He has a long term illness of ear infection, we tried to cure it but with no success. We just got used to it. He’s very excited Everytime he will eat and doesn’t show depression for years. He overcame a lot of diseases it’s like a miracle that he survived all those. But these past 2 weeks, he was in heat because our female dogs are in heat. I often put a leash on him whenever I’ll let the female dogs out because there’ll be a big fight between male dogs. I have a bigger problem. I have an evil dad who mistreats them and who’s like getting insane whenever they bark loudly because of seeing the female dogs. My dad would hit them hard many times until I said enough and we had a big fight. Until the heat ended. He was okay, something changed a little with the way he eats but I thought it was normal that he doesn’t have much appetite because the other boys are like that as well Everytime heat ends.

    But that was not the case. It was a sign that he was gravely ill. 😭 15 days before his passing, I heard him making sounds of being nauseous and at 5am. I looked at him and he looked agitated. But a little later he relaxed. So I assumed it’s nothing. I observed him if he ate something foreign. But he ate in the morning and was back to normal. Days passed and he still has little left overs on his foodplate. I was wondering but I didn’t do anything. It was also this thought that he was old already. He was 14.

    Then 2 days ago, I woke up hearing him nauseous again. I opened the door and there were some rice that went out his stomach. He didn’t eat morning and noon time. I got worried and bought some medicine. But he was having a hard time to swallow. I kept putting dropper on his mouth with water because he always want to drink but he can’t get his tongue out. His look was different. He looked like he’s dying. Hes breathing heavily all day long. I tried to stay beside him but I had to also work since I’m the breadwinner. Good thing I work from home. I called my sister who was mad at me because I need help. She loves dogs too, in fact they’re all hers, 8 dogs. But she passed her responsibility to me.

    Then at midnight I was trying to give him some water again and he kept calling even to our small canal here. My dad later forced a syringe to his throat and pushed hard on the syringe to give him fluids, he did it twice. I allowed the second one because of desperation. But I knew it was bad because it was a large syringe and he was very weak already. And I was right, he puked and stood up and fell to the canal again. There he breathed his last breath even before my dad got him out. I blame my dad and myself. I should have done something 15 days ago. 😭😭😭😭😭

    I blame my dad because he was so bad with my dogs. He won’t allow that dog to enter inside house because he’s old and sick. That was the last year’s of his life. Very sad. Especially when I became the breadwinner and my dad is always here. His evilness is extreme. I can’t do anything. That dog could have been happier when he’s inside. He always wanted to enter because he remembered that was his home. And he probably knew he’s passing already. 😭😭😭😭 I always imagine his sadness, his hard feelings on us. I can’t forgive myself. I should have done better. 😭😭😭😭😭 I want to tell everything but this is already too long. His journey was so bad. He looked like he still wanted to live. 😭😭😭😭😭

    1. I am very sorry for your loss Shey. I am also sad to read that your father is evil with your dogs. But don’t be so hard on yourself, you did your best to help your eldest dog in your situation, he surely knew that and loved you, no doubt about it, animals are like that, pure unconditional love. You are not alone, we have all made mistakes and bad choices and feel guilty in our own way, only time will help you heal and forgive yourself. Remember also the good times you spent together, not only the last days. Hope you find peace soon.

    2. Shey- you did your best and your dog had a long life with you- lucky him! as always human circumstances change- i was homeless for a few months and one of my beloved pets died at that time. I kick myself now- if only id had hot and cold running water, if only id had a better shelter for them. We go through the “what if i had just done…..” But it may have made no difference. Your beloved pet was old, my pet was very young (but had ubderlying health issues) Like you i keep remembering the close relationship i had with my pet in the good times. All i can advise to help you get through this pain is to know that your pet had a great life for a long time with you and that NOW he is NOT suffering in any way at all. x

  14. I’m so happy I’m not alone. I got my dog Oreo around Jan. of 2014. He was 3 months old. I don’t have children so he was my child. Sun. 2/23/20 I left chicken to thaw out and forgot. Monday 2/24/20 5am, I got up for work and realized I left it out and put it back in the fridge. Oreo wanted to lick up the drops of course but I scolded him for it, put him in the cage, and went off to work. I came back home that morning and he was fine to my knowledge. I went off to work again but that evening I came home around 5pm he was sluggish, walked slow, throwing up yellow phlegm, didn’t want to eat, play, or move at all. This happened before when he had pain, (the vet charged me $450 just for exam and pain meds) so I said we’ll wait it out until tomorrow, and if he still doesn’t feel well, then we’ll matter the cost. I also thought back to a week prior, I gave him two chicken bones to hush him. I usually don’t give him anything but dog food but he was barking at someone outside or home. Tues 2/25/20 morning we did our usual routine of him going out to pee and coming back in..he walked slow to his cage..I locked it and said “you’re going to see someone today” I came back home around 10am and found him lifeless. It broke my heart. I’ve been crying for days wrecking my brain on why, what happened, I should’ve taken him sooner. I let him die right before my eyes. Smh I just feel so guilty. Thank you reading ❤️

  15. Hi everyone. I’m from Malaysia. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I found some solace in knowing I’m not alone but yet I’m devastated because I literally sent my dog to her death. To cut a long story short, in my country we have a long standing issue of stray dogs and Kopi was one of them. I met her and other stray dogs in 2010 within my neighborhood and that was when I started to help them by sending them for neutering and feeding them. But residents and the complained about them even though they weren’t aggressive dogs. Whenever there are complaints the local council would come and manhandle, catch and put these dogs to sleep. Yes, this barbaric acts is a norm in my country. Anyway since then so much had happened but I will spare you the details. Fast forward to 2020 and Kopi is placed in an abandoned property owned by my late uncle. I went to visit her on Sunday and she was missing. The only possible reason was that she was swallowed by a python as I have seen the bodies of snakes that were killed by my uncle’s dogs who stayed there before. Kopi hasn’t never gone out from that house and its compound in the year plus since she stayed there so I knew it wasn’t due to her going out. I blame myself as I finally had the chance to bring Kopi back to my parents’ home when my elderly dog died. I couldn’t before as I’m staying with my parents and we already owned five dogs. After my elderly dog died I had actually brought Kopi back to my parents home but sent her back to my uncle’s property after a few days as I couldn’t tolerate her whining and barking at night. She had also started jumping out of the compound so I thought it would be better for her to return to my uncle’s house. I feel that I am unable to forgive myself even though I had tried my best to help her over these years but failed to protect her in the end. It’s like I have undone all the good things I ever did for her. Kopi’s last moments would have been terrifying and in pain and suffering.

  16. I am so sorry for everyone’s loss here.. reading all of your comments hit home for me. Even though all of our stories are different, the emotions are the same.

    On Monday January 27, my 11 1/2 year old australian cattle dog Mattie wasn’t herself. She woke up a little lethargic, and her balance was off, and it seemed like she was having trouble getting up after laying down for awhile. She was also coughing A LOT. Any type of exercise would cause her to cough. Side note – She was diagnosed with heart worms in 2015. We started her on the prevention to help any new worms from developing, but I’ll admit that over the years we had times where we slacked and didn’t stick to it consistently. I was young, she was my first dog and I knew nothing about heart worms. She never showed any sign that she didn’t feel good and it just slipped my mind to stick to the prevention.. something I’ll always regret. Anyway, back to Monday, other than that she was eating and drinking. I watched her for a couple of days and she seemed a little bit better. If I really tried to get her to play with her toys she would. I thought maybe it was her age catching up with her. By Friday January 31st she still was losing her balance and had started to not want any food. My husband and I decided to visit our vet just to check her out in case she got worse over the weekend, we didn’t want to have to wait until Monday. We told him all of her symptoms and he did a stool sample – he found out she had whip worms. Mattie had whip worms many many years ago, so we knew the routine of medicine and knew it would be cleared up soon. I was relieved in thinking this was it and she’ll feel better in no time. I originally went into the vet telling him I thought it was her heart worms.. and I was scared things had gotten worse. He wanted us to address the whip worms and come back. He also found a large mass on her belly that we had noticed as well. We got her spayed in July of 2019 and the lump popped up after right where her incision/scar was, so we thought it was just scar tissue. He said he was a little concerned about it and to come back after we treated her for the whip worms.

    We took her home and over the weekend and next few days she stayed kind of the same. Didn’t want to eat a whole lot, but we managed to get her to take her meds, it just took some work. She didn’t like standing for very long and just wanted to lay down. Wednesday February 5 around 10 pm, I heard a noise and I looked over and Mattie flopped to the ground and her eyes were moving rapidly from side to side. Mattie has had epilepsy her entire life, and has been on phenobarbital her whole life. Over the years her average was about 1 seizure a year, very mild. When I saw this happening to her I instantly thought this was a very bad seizure, we rushed her to our emergency vet a mile away. I was hysterical and frantic.. I thought we were going to lose her. The vet told us she had Vestibular Disease and that he couldn’t find a cause for it. After explaining it I realized that was why she had been losing her balance all week. He also said she had a bunch of fluid in her lungs and that was why she had been coughing. He also noticed her heart had the known shape of a Heartworm infected heart. He said she had congestive heart failure and she could live a few months but said he didn’t give her more than a year. We were devastated and instantly overcome with guilt. He said we could take her home with heart medication, antibiotics, and motion sickness meds to help with vestibular disease. When they rolled her out she was so happy to see me. She had the head tilt but still managed to give me kisses. I couldn’t stop crying. We paid $1,000 and brought her home.

    The next day she seemed okay other than the eye movement and head tilt. She didn’t want to stand so I made her comfortable, had her water and food next to her, and put some pee pads under her in case she pottied while laying down. I went into our garage to do some laundry and when I came back in she was standing in the living room covered in pee. I tried to get her to walk but she just walked in a circle and flopped down to the floor. I consoled her and told her it was okay, she looked guilty cause she knows she isn’t supposed to potty in the house. I didn’t realize at the time this would be last time I would see my baby stand up. This was Thursday Feb 6. Friday she still didn’t eat much. I had to hand feed her some of her kibble (Only like 10 pieces is all she wanted), a little bit of wet food, and about a half a scrambled egg. She was taking her meds and her eye movement seemed to be a little better. But at this point she would not get up at all. She never moved her back legs again. I was sitting next to her all day massaging her legs to help her circulation, petting her, kissing her. I kept a log of everything just in case I forgot something if we needed to go back to the vet. Her coughing had stopped at this point. The only movement she would do was lift her head up to look around. I figured she was just dizzy. And I held onto hope because the vet said the vestibular disease would get worse before it gets better, and it usually works itself out within a couple of weeks. We ordered pizza that night so we didn’t have to leave the house and she even let out a little bark when the guy knocked on our door.
    Friday evening around 11 pm she had a seizure. It was different than her others… I’ll never get the image out of my mind. It only lasted about 5-10 seconds, and after that she had some mucus/drool in her mouth. Her breathing got a little heavy and we didn’t know what to do. My husband and I both felt that if we took her to the vet they would just verify she had a seizure and we felt like there wasn’t much they would be able to do. We didn’t have another $1,000 to spend.. and since we’ve dealt with seizures before we just consoled her, loved her and her breathing finally calmed. But she wasn’t the same.. her eyes had a different look. We know our animals so well so I’m sure you know what I mean. She just had a different look on her face. I honestly felt like because she was so dizzy and because she has epilepsy that maybe this triggered a seizure and she just needed to rest. About 30 mins later she drank some water, which made me feel better. I even gave her some little tiny bites of bread that she ate. I started to feel better. She wouldn’t close her eyes to go to sleep so I rubbed her head and eyes and she finally fell asleep. My husband and I slept next to her. I woke up Saturday morning February 8, at 6:30 am and checked on her. Her breathing had increased again. I consoled her and she seemed to calm a little bit. I laid back down and my husband woke me up at 8 am and said she had passed…

    I screamed and cried over her body for an hour. When I saw her breathing fast at 6:30 I should have done something. When she had the seizure the night before we should have done something. But then I also think if we had brought her in then she most likely would have passed at the clinic surrounded by strangers.. But I also wish I hadn’t been asleep feet away from her when she passed. I wish I would’ve been holding her and petting her, talking to her.

    I’m crying as I write this. I just don’t know what it was that killed her. She had so many things going on at once – heart failure, fluid in lungs, vestibular disease, the lump on her belly.. either way I feel responsible. I honestly thought we would have her for a few more years. A week before all of this she was so happy, playful, seemed healthy.

    I work from home and she is strictly an indoor dog so it’s been me and her for so long, I feel so lost without her. It literally feels like the light of my life went out.. and now my world is dark and dim.. I love her more than words can express. She was my best friend. I just feel like I let her down and I can’t bare this pain.. I feel like I let her die.. when I woke up that morning just moments before she passed I had a bad feeling.. but I wanted her to prove me wrong. I wanted so badly to be wrong. But secretly I couldn’t bare to see her this way that I kind of hoped she would go in her sleep so that she wouldn’t be suffering anymore.. I was emotionally exhausted from the week prior, especially the last 2 days.. I was an emotional wreck.. I had a bad feeling and even still I wasn’t holding her in my arms. Mattie, I miss you every second of every day. You’re everywhere I look. And I love you more than anything in this world. I’ll forever regret not doing more for you.

    1. Im so sorry. 😭 I work from home as well and I’ve been very attached with my dogs. I just lost my eldest yesterday and I cant accept it. I blame myself. I could have done better. 😭 Your baby is so lucky because you slept with her. But my eldest dog suffered from my dad’s evilness toward dogs and he won’t allow him in anymore. He died on our yard. He suffered a lot. 😭😭😭

  17. I feel deeply sorry for you, my dog passed away not that long ago, I am a believer in Jesus and He helped me on my journey of forgiveness and healing and He can help you to

    Jesus Christ is my Lord and Saviour
    And He can be yours to

    Love Always
    Nickolas DiDonato

  18. Molly was 16 and a half. She had several “bad” stretches but always seemed to rebound. Last Wednesday her Mom had to work late so I fed her. She hadn’t been eating well but was always a picky eater. So with food police mom not home Dad pulled out the rice , chicken and kibble and flavored it with goat milk and a little soup. She ate it all. Maybe too much? I don’t know. She had a good night and morning ca. Molly was out of sorts. Mom came home early and she was sleeping most of the day and early evening. We went to bed like always and she settled down fairly quickly (she slept with me the final 3 months). She always woke up in the middle of the night to pee but this night she woke up much earlier and was very active. She slightly peed and no poo. When we went back to bed she wouldn’t settle down. Over the next 3 hours I tried everything to get her to go back to sleep. She still fussed. At about 3am I was getting cross and gave her a little “BAP” on the top of the head with a “bad girl stop barking”. She stopped and looked at me and I instantly was sorry that I did that. I picked her up and gave her a big hug and said I was sorry but she had to settle down because Mom had been talking about putting her to sleep. When I was done talking to her I squeezed her a little tighter. She reacted very strongly negative to that and pulled away from me and looked at me long and sad. I gave up. Not knowing she was sick I scooped her up and placed her on the carpet and told her I needed to get some sleep. I went to the spare room and got 2 hours before the alarm went off. At 6am I went to see her and Mom was holding her and saying something was wrong. Mom stayed home that day. At 10am Molly started retching but not bringing anything up but a frothy white mucous. My wife called me and told me she was throwing up bile which she did with some frequency over the years. I got home at 5:30 PM and Molly was sleeping in her Mom’s lap. We ate a quick dinner and decided it was time and called the home Vet service for an appointment to euthanize. I felt sick. I picked Molly up and we did a tour around her cherished back yard where she had spent so much time. We went to the bedroom to have our quiet last night together and it turned horrifying. She started to retch and throw up thick foamy white mucous. She was having trouble breathing. I cleared her mouth and airway the best I could and she collapsed in my arms with shallow breathing. I inquired about an appointment that night but there were none. Minutes later I heard her lungs crackle with rales on every breath. She was filling up with fluid again. With Mom we ran out the door and to the 24 hour vet hospital nearby. She was a rag doll in my arms but was still breathing. We put her to sleep with the Vet 20 minutes later. They were great with us. With 20/20 hindsight I believe she may have been suffering with canine bloat. She would not have recovered from the surgery at 16.5 years so that is not an issue with me. However, scolding her the night before when she was sick (I didn’t know yet) and hugging her , which may have been very painful is racking me with guilt. Is it possible I caused the whole thing by feeding her too much two nights before? Did I manage her whole life as her protector only to miss the signs and wait one day too long and she suffered? Regret and guilt and OMG I so miss her.

  19. I wanted to share my story as reading all yours are helping me cope with my pain, grief, regret and guilt…it somewhat helps to know others feel the exact same way I do.

    My story is full of misfortunes (#), within 10 days everything went completely wrong and my healthy and happy 2 year old pet goat Chikibe died…it could have been avoided if only I had been quicker in catching him. He was a tough little guy (#), he was the hardest of all my goats to catch (any other would have been much easier and quicker to help). He had to be put to sleep on December 26.

    – Chikibe was shaking a bit on Monday, December 16, but I thought this was because of a helicopter passing by and that he was just scared (it was not, little did I know the day before he had swallowed half of a battery (#) and he was slowly poisoning his kidneys right into kidney failure and death).

    – On Tuesday, December 17, I went to check on him (we have a small farm with other animals and we go everyday), Chikibe was shaking even more and not eating so I called the vet as I was alone and couldn’t take him myself (my partner was out seeing his family overseas (#) and he is the only one that has enough strength to keep him still and get him in the truck). Vet came and we couldn’t capture him that day (#) to give him shots, so he told me he had to return to the clinic and that he could come back when I had him.

    – On Wednesday, December 18, my sister came along to help and see if we could catch him together (he wasn’t eating and we couldn’t give any oral meds). We didn’t catch him until Friday, December 20 (#). I just know if I had been quicker and come up with some ideas I would of saved him and not the opposite…I sentenced him to death (I spent 4 days running around like crazy with ropes, long branches, chasing him, I even yelled and got mad at him in despair not knowing he was dying) I feel so stupid now…in the end I though of making a little fence with some wires and chase him inside and that is what worked…too late though.

    We called the vet, he came again and examined Chikibe and told us he didn’t look that bad and gave him 2 shots (antibiotics and some pain killers, he thought the shivering was because of fever). I was happy he had his meds and thought everything was going to be ok and he was going to get better.

    – On Saturday, December 21, Chikibe was the exact same, shivering, not eating, not peeing. My heart sank completely…Again, I called the vet and he came to take him with him to the clinic to see what the problem was. He gave him another antibiotic shot and more pain killers and didn’t start doing tests until Monday (#). I can’t believe he took him with him on Saturday afternoon and didn’t do any tests until Monday morning when the other vet techs came to work.

    – I spent December 22, 23, 24, 25 beside the phone waiting for some good news but it never arrived, nonstop crying and devastated for being so stupid and taking so long to catch Chikibe and also for not having insisted the vet on doing any tests the day he took him to the clinic (it never crossed my mind he would wait until Monday to start).

    We were going to put him to sleep on December 25 but the vet wanted to give the treatment an extra 24 hours (waiting for a Christmas miracle maybe?). I went that day to the clinic (it was Christmas Day) to see Chikibe and say goodbye…

    As the vet explained the tests and x-rays to my sister and me, my little boy came out of his cubicle and stood beside us, as to give us his goodbye, then he went back to his cubicle and laid down…I patted his head and said my final goodbye to him (I knew I wasn’t going to see him again and he wouldn’t be returning to the farm with the rest of his goat family…). 💔😢

    On the outside he just seemed normal, he had stopped shivering and looked so fat and healthy and cute as always…I couldn’t accept what was happening, it didn’t seem real or make any sense at all (almost a month later it hasn’t got much better).

    The day after, Thursday, December 26, vet did final tests and there was no improvement whatsoever with the treatment, he would be in coma in a couple of days, kidneys never regained their functionality and so we put him to sleep…RIP Chikibe 💔😢

    I feel so stupid, so guilty, regret being so slow, I’m mad at the battery, at me, at my partner for not being here, at the vet. Was Chikibe in pain?

    I just feel an intense grief and anger within and that I should be punished because Chikibe was showing me he was really ill and I wasn’t fast enough…I was his mommy and should’ve known better. I let my other goats down too..

    I have no forgiveness 🙁

    1. Im so sorry Angela. 😭😭 I can imagine the pain. I just lost my eldest dog and I blame myself as well. I think it’s natural to blame ourselves. I don’t even know how to comfort myself. I can’t accept that he’s gone. I feel incomplete again and again.

  20. I have been reading all the stories of you precious fur babies and realize that I am not alone I just lost my baby boy Baxter on Jan. 6th 2020 from kidney failure at the young age of 71/2 years old. I have not been able to stop crying and the guilt is just consuming me. He was always a difficult eater and had a long bout of it in June and thought he was just going through another one of his phases. He had started to eat and had been eating 2 meals a day something he never did so I was so relieved I said to myself look he is eating like a normal dog so I thought all was well. He was going to be going for his normal yearly check up the beginning of the year. Well Christmas night he started to throw up and he was going through another one of his not eating fits. But he had eaten some rich food and the kids were giving him dog treats something he did not usually eat. He always had digestive problem and was a daily medication for it. The only food I could get him to eat consistently was Stella and Chewy which is mostly protein so i think that may have been what caused his kidney disease something I did know he had till it was too late. I took him to emergency Christmas night and they give him some medicine to calm his stomach down and to get to my vet as soon as possible to rule out any other problems. They did blood work and a barium X-ray of his digestive tract. X-rays were clear but when blood work came back he was in 80% kidney failure. I had to get him to emergency right away so he could have IV fluids to flush out his kidneys they thought he may have had the Lepto virus because it came on so fast but after further test they found he had kidney disease. to add to the problem they had him in isolation because i guess that disease is communicable to humans. So I could not hold my beautiful baby boy and there was a delay on results because of the holiday. All and all a total nightmare i was living in for several days as i watched him deteriorate everyday. The look of terror in his eyes every time I left him will haunt me forever because I never left him with anyone he was always by my side. I got to take him and I had to administer IV fluids to him at home which I did anything to save him. I forced food down his throat because he had al these meds he had to take with food. I feel I was torturing my buddy. He woke up the next morning with severe diarrhea and he went blind just like that from high blood pressure. Immediately went back to my vet and she wanted blood work done again to see how his kidneys were doing and they had gone right back up as if he did not have any treatments. So the time came to decide to put him down. He was so sick it was just ripping my heart out to see the happiest little shihpoo ever he greeted everyone he just loved everyone so much people would say he made their day. How could he go down so fast a week earlier he was running with the other dogs in my family and all the kids and now he is gone. I feel so guilty I should have seen this sooner maybe I could have saved him. He was everything to me my reason for living and I just don’t know what I am going to do without him. I am so sorry to hear about of your losses I hope some way some how we can find peace and heal.

  21. My sweet Bagheera died on December 30th. She was an all black cat and looked like a small panther. My partner and I adopted her in January 2019 and she was the sweetest animal I have ever met. She always wanted to be with us in the house and purred whenever we held or pet her. She died at the cat boarding home just a few hours before we were going to pick her up, after we got back from our Christmas travels.

    In hindsight we suspect she had some health problems that we weren’t aware of. She was a rescue cat and was always thin but never showed any signs of distress or pain; it was quiet the opposite since she always seemed happy and loving. We were going to take her to the veterinarian as soon as we got back from our Christmas trip for an annual checkup though, since she had only undergone a vet checkup and vaccinations prior to the adoption.

    This was our first rescue animal and our first pet as a couple. After pouring through forums and websites the last few days, they all say to take your pet to the vet soon after adoption to check for issues the rescue agency may have missed. She never showed any obvious symptoms, expect for being thin, so we kept putting it off until the 1-year mark. I feel so stupid and blame her death on me. Why didn’t we take her to the vet sooner for an overall exam? Would she still be alive if we had picked up on an illness? Why did we leave her in the cat boarding home during the Christmas break? Would she still be alive if we had stayed with her, or had someone take care of her in our home? I feel like I let her and the rescue agency down, like I failed in my responsibility as a rescue owner.

    I know she was an old cat and we were loving animal parents. We adored her and completely indulged her when it came to anything she wanted. We never yelled at her or treated her poorly, even when she had occasionally had an accident outside of the litterbox.

    But I still can’t shake this guilt and it is consuming me. It physically hurts and I can’t stop crying over our loss. Will it ever get better?

  22. My sunshine my sweet dog Gracie died on Christmas Eve. She would have been 12 in March. Last April our other dog died on his 15 th birthday and we still were grieving over that.
    We are not sure what happened to Gracie. She got sick on the 19 th and wouldn’t eat or drink. She had some rich food the night before as it had been my birthday. So we took her to the veterinarian and he gave her a shot of Cerenia and said if she didn’t improve to bring her back the next day for another shot. Well, she did improve a bit and was eating some chicken and rice, so we didn’t take her back. But then on Sunday when no vets were available she got worse again. Monday we took her to a different veterinarian as the first one was out of town for the holidays. By then she had a high fever and the veterinarian gave her a shot for that and pills to help her stomach.
    On Christmas Eve she passed in the morning while I was petting her. We don’t know why she died. Pancreatitis? Or she had lots of fatty cysts that we were monitoring. Maybe there was an internal cyst that burst. We don’t know. Our hearts are broken. Today I am wracked with guilt wondering if she could have lived if I had returned to the first vet.
    I don’t know how to live without dogs. I know I can’t bring her back. I just need to vent. This was such a shock. I think she knew she was going as that first morning she got sick she laid down in our other dog’s spot, where he loved to lay and where he died. She had never laid there before. They were the best of friends.

  23. I lost my boy today, Brody, a blonde Chihuahua. A tall guy like me never imagined I’d love such a little dog so much. Had him for 11.5 years, got him from irresponsible owners. Never completely potty trained and still loved him. I brought him home to my mom and in his heart he must have always been a momma’s boy. He stayed by her side for 10 years until she had go to a home because of alzheimers 10 months ago. He immediately went right back to my side. Almost completely blind and deaf he has been dealing with collapsing trachea and a heart murmer for a while. He took medicine that helped but stopped when his kidneys suffered. He started to breathe heavy the day after Christmas and stopped eating regular. I took him to the vet today and his murmer had gotten bad. A lot of fluid around his heart. They gave me medicine, but I don’t think his heart could handle it. Within a few hours he was breathing even heavier and couldn’t relax. I gave him belly rubs and back scratches that made him arch in happiness. On his last trip outside he smelled the wind, he stopped by 4 zebra butterflies and stood transfixed. He looked peaceful. He was staggering and losing strength. Soon, he would be taking gasps. I held him, about to rush to the vet, I told him he was a good boy and if he needed to go I would understand. He felt so light, his gaze somewhere I couldn’t see. I felt responsible. Even though I knew he was gone he still had a faint beat. I put him on my lap for his final car ride. I comforted and spoke to him, begging him not to go just yet. The vet told me what I already knew, he was gone. I have cried myself to exhaustion. I know it is mercy. However long he has suffered I can not know, all because of his love for my mother and me was so strong. I hope I did my best to give him all the love he deserved. My mother is lucky, she won’t remember for very long after I tell her. But I will never forget you Brody. May you be at peace. I’m dreading coming home from work tomorrow without you here.

    1. Brody…I know your heart is breaking but he was magnificent and so strong to the end. You enabled a beautiful loving life for him. I still smell my girl, I never want to lose that smell.

    2. I know how you must be hurting. Last Christmas day, my 12y/o shihtzu started breathing heavy and would not get up. I rushed her to an emergency vet that was opened that day only about 2 miles from my house. The vet asked if I had ever been told she had a heart murmer. I took my girl to the vet regularly and had never been told that. The vet said at the moment she had a grade 5 murmer and fluid on her lungs. They gave her some meds to relieve the fluid and put her on oxygen. They took me back to see her. She came to the front of the kennel and wagged her tail and licked my face. They told me we would see how she did and sent me home. About 2 hours later, I got a call saying she took a turn for the worse and was passing. I rushed there immediately. When I arrived the vet said I don’t think you want to see her and I asked through my sobbing if they could give her something to help her pass. By the time the vet walked back she was gone. I know how you are so devastated. I will never forgive myself for not just staying there so I could have held my baby while she lost her life. It has been a year now and I still break into sobbing when I go over that day. I miss her and hope when we meet again over the rainbow bridge, she has forgiven me. I hope your heart somehow heals.

      1. Thank you for your comment and shared experience. I think because there are so many medical advancements for humans, we sometimes forget that animals do not have the same options.

        I know how lucky I am to have had such a great friend. I know there is nothing more that could have been done, and that there is no reversing death. I think deep down I knew days ago, that his heavy breathing was the beginning of the end. The lack of wanting to eat.

        I’ll always remember his final days, even if they are a bad memory. He had been hanging his head, he had stopped coughing (the coughing comes with heart failure, as the body tries to clear the fluid). Every night when I came home from work his cloudy eyes would look at me and he looked so tired. He had barely wanted to be awake, only to see me and be near me, then he would sleep. I only wish he could have found more comfort in his final moments. Even though he was deaf and blind, I hope he could feel me holding him and know how much love he gave and how much we gave to him.

        I’m comforted knowing he can suffer no more. That he has found the peace and rest he earned.

  24. I’m putting down my rabbit today. She has been sick for a long time & didn’t respond to the treatment…. I gave her the treatments as instructed,for over a year, & she didn’t get better. I feel like it’s my fault she didn’t respond, maybe I did something wrong? It was the vet’s instructions & medicine, but what if it wasn’t the best idea possible? I tried researching it & there were no other treatments that I could find. But it’s my fault I waited so long & made her suffer, in hopes she would recover…. I feel so guilty & so sad. I know she’ll be better off, but I can just tell she still wants to live & I am taking that from her… I don’t know how to forgive myself. I don’t even know if I want to.

  25. I lost my boy, My child, My soulmate 2 years ago today. I let him outside without watching him and he was attacked by a Pitbull and died 8 days later from infection. What was I thinking? I knew that Pitbull was in the area yet I let my Teddy run loose. I was working on a Snowmobile and not paying attention to where he was. All of a sudden I heard a yelping and looked across the field and saw Teddy trying desperately to escape the jaws of the piece of s**t Pitbull. I ran as fast as I could screaming at the top of my lungs trying to get to him. The owner of the Pitbull came out and got his dog off my Teddy but not before the damage was done. He came running across the field, my friend came running and saw that he was bleeding. He picked him up and we headed to the E-vets in hopes he would make it there in time. I was sure he was gonna die right then and there as he had lost a lot of blood. We finally made the vets and they cleaned his wound. He had two broken ribs and puncture wounds all over. The vets didn’t do all they should have because I had no more money left after spending 1200.00 already. You think that would have been enough. They held his meds hostage until I came up with another 60.00. the vets only cared about the money not Teddy. I hope they all rot in hell. Teddy seemed to be getting well. I brought him to my vet and they said he was going to be fine. I stopped giving him his meds as They said he was ok. 8 days later I noticed swelling on his side, so I brought him to the E-vets,(a different one) they cut the wound open and said that he would need hospitalization for weeks. I didn’t have the money to do that so they recommend I put him down. I was completely in shock and couldn’t believe I was going to lose my boy because I was poor and the vets just didn’t care. I made the wrong decision that day. I should have waited to take him to my vet on Monday the next day. I don’t know where my head was at making that decision. So many thoughts of what I could have done differently from beginning to end. I should never have let him out knowing that garbage dog was in the area. I should have been watching him at all times. I should have left him in the house. I failed him when he needed me the most. How could I have been so careless just letting him run loose without watching him? I can never forgive myself for what I did to my little boy. I cry everyday and have done so for two years now. It’s with me 24/7 from the time I wake up until I go to bed. I can’t get him out of my head. My Heart physically hurts I miss him so much. I don’t know how to let him go. I’m still waiting for him to come home. I pray that when my time comes Teddy and I will spend Eternity together. He was my best friend, my companion, my child, my heart and soul. He was my life and the reason I live. Now there is nothing but sadness and deep depression. I feel I deserve the pain. It’s my fault he died and I will never forgive myself. He didn’t deserve to die, he lived life and was such a happy, intelligent dog. I don’t know what death holds us, but wherever he is, I hope he is warm and has a full belly and a soft place to lay his head. I’m so sorry my love, Daddy misses you so very much. I would give my life to restore yours if I could. Life is cruel and God uses the ones we live to teach us lessons. Teddy didn’t deserve to be a victim. It’s hard to believe in a god. If there is one he or she doesn’t give a damn about us. I will never forget my child, I will love you forever and in through eternity. I miss you. Love Daddy. Oxoxoxox

    1. Charles I’m so sorry you are struggling so much I just know your boy would not want you agonising over something that was a mistake and the tight arsed vets who could have helped but didn’t –
      You did everything you could, you have to forgive yourself for that. I had my 2 old boys put to sleep yesterday after putting the eldest (14) one off for ages as he had arthritis blind and deaf but still loved his food, then the youngest (13) got really ill over the weekend and it’s was just time. But then guilt I feel for letting them get so old, and for not being at home during the day, not enough walks stuff like that, has really taken me aback, I didn’t realise most of the pain would be guilt, I even want to get another dog to pay it back but I’m scared I wouldn’t love them , just wanted you to know you are not alone x

    2. Charles,

      I feel like I am reading my exact words. I have been living in the same hell for almost 3 years now since making the decision to let go of my first soulmate. The relentless guilt I have felt hasn’t subsided. I also have cried every single day. Now, I’m in even deeper because I had to do it all over again. My second soulmate (and only other dog) passed last week. I had to let her go and it’s my fault that she couldn’t be saved. I really don’t know how I’ve survived this long and I don’t know how I will get through life losing both of my soulmates when I feel at fault. My soulmates, my kids, my whole entire world!!! You didn’t deserve any of this!!! Mommy loves you more then life itself and I would sell my soul to have you both back!!!!

  26. I have multiple stories about guilt, blame and shame. My little dog Blacky died 2 weeks ago. I’m trying to make peace with it, but instead I’m going over and over all the things I did wrong in her last days and the rest of her life. I even go back to feeling guilty again about other pets I lost; two cats that went missing. One of them I for sure now is dead by now, the other was probably too young to be left outside for so long. Sure I have learned some things from all of those losses But why was I so stupid to let wrongs things happen to them in the first place. I have had multiple pet rats 15 years ago. One of them had hind leg problems (very common). I left them for 4 days when I went to visit my parents for christmas, with plenty of food and water. When I came home, the rat with the hind leg problems was stiff, he died. In the cage a ramp had gotten loose and because of that he couldn’t reach the waterbowl. Sure I did not want that or even considered the possibility. But I was too irresponsible in leaving them for so long. It seems like I make mistakes and egoistic choices over and over again. I now still own a dog and two cats, who love me dearly. So afraid I am a bad pet mom and will hurt them in the end.

    1. Hi Erica:

      As humans, we will make mistakes,poor choices and consciously or subconsciously make selfish decisions. Life sometimes teaches us some tough lessons and sometimes mistakes are how we learn. The best advice I can give you is to forgive yourself and if you believe in God ask him to forgive you too because He loves you so very much despite anything wrong you may have done in your life. Ask Him to help you forgive yourself because Jesus does not want you to feel shame or self-condemnation, He died for our sins and does not condemn us because of His love.

      I felt tremendous guilt, regret and shame when my 17 year old Toy Poodle died from me accidentally poisoning him with the cat’s medication. It was a stupid mistake and I sometimes wondered if subconsciously I had wanted him to die. He was getting old and more needy which frustrated me. After he died I thought of all the things I had done wrong in caring for him and of how I should have taken him to the vet as soon as he started showing symptoms of not feeling well. He did not appear to be in any pain, did not vomit and I thought his weakness and lack of appetite was him dying of old age. I wished many times, I could have gone back and done things better but as they say “hindsight is 20/20.

      One thing I can say is that I have learned from this experience. It took me a long time to forgive myself as I thought I was a terrible person. I have a cat and maybe one day I will have another dog as I do believe I am an animal lover. It breaks my heart to see an animal suffer. If anything I think my experience has made me a more caring and compassionate person, especially to animals. Your experience too, will make you a better person, if you let it.

      I care, Erica


      1. Thanks Edna,

        I have some of the same feelings about my dog. All the things I did wrong. But I look at all I did with the glasses from the day after, from when I knew it was wrong. And even then I can’t be sure in certain cases if I did something wrong, or if things went another way it would have been better. But still, the doubt, the guilt and the why’s and what ifs…

        1. Yes, Erica, I understand your feelings. You will have to work through those feelings and eventually you will feel better. I think you were doing the best you could for your dog. We are imperfect human beings and how things could have been different if we had made a different decision is not for us to know. Analyizing the situation is futile so don’t even go there. I hope you read the articles Laurie had written about losing your dog and the feeling of guilt pet owners experience. I found her articles to be very helpful and non-judgemental. I hope they help you to heal.

          Prayers and blessings to you. Edna

  27. I lost my 15 year old Maltese Tag yesterday. It was becoming obvious he was getting so elderly and wasn’t enjoying life as he once did. He had gone deaf, partially blind, his teeth were very rotten ( but didn’t think it was fair to put him through surgery to get them all removed at his age) was having a hard time with balance and falling and showing signs of dementia. The final push that made my decision of what to do was when I was home alone with my 2 babies sleeping and he fell down the stairs onto his face. He was crying and yelping and my heart shattered. Luckily he seemed ok and I didn’t have to rush him to the vet but kept thinking how much worse it could have been. I knew I couldn’t let him go through this anymore or pass in a traumatic painful way. He hated the car and the thought of taking him to the vet to be put down was too hard. We had a vet come to our house and he got to pass in my arms while I cuddled him and told him I loved him. I think I did right by him but I keep asking myself, was it time? Should I have waited? I miss him so so much and the fact that I made the decision is heart wrenching. All I knew was that I wanted him to feel safe and loved when he passed not pain or scared.
    Yet still the guilt and questions to myself keep drowning me in guilt and sorrow. I really hope this gets better because I am shattered right now.

    1. Hi Leanne,

      I am so sorry about your beloved dog. I am going through some of the same feelings about my 18 year old cat, we put her down on October 31. She had kidney disease, had gone deaf and was under 6 pounds when she died, she was not good about eating and I had her on appetite enhancers…she needed fluid injections twice a week and blood pressure meds. Plus, she yowled in the middle of the night every night (this went on for quite a few months) so I had to get up at around 4 or 5 am and commute to the couch in my study so that I could feed her and sleep with her. The appetite enhancers stopped working…she was so thin at the end. And even though she was tiny and had reached a great age for a cat, I still am beating myself up in one way or another almost every day. Somehow the fact that they are older doesn’t make it easier. Rather, they’ve become part of the fabric of our lives and we miss them so.
      It sounds like you did the right thing at the right time. It is hard to pick a perfect moment to put our sweet friends to sleep, it is something I have always dreaded and this is the fourth time I have had to do it. We are giving them the gift of passing easily and painlessly, while the punishment for us is long lasting: they will not be coming back with us from the vet.
      There was a tiny sense of relief for me at first, no more medicines, vet visits and no more trying to get her to eat, no more worries about her…maybe 1% of my feelings. The other 99% are feelings of tremendous loss and emptiness and terrible guilt as well. I feel like maybe I put her through too much with all the vet care, and worse is that I feel like I didn’t spend enough time with her. Every day gets busy and I didn’t have time to spend just sitting with her all day, she didn’t move around much–yet now I wish I had. Her best times were in the morning and I was usually off to do my exercise then and now I feel so, so bad about those times I walked away from her.
      Guilt is sort of the feeling that everything you did was wrong. I had the same feeling when we first put her down–should I have done it then? Surely she could have lasted a few more days, or even weeks. But I was worried that with her lack of appetite, and I had several short trips coming up, my husband and daughter would have to deal with a crisis when I was away or even that our pet sitter would have to deal with it when we were all away on a trip. That would have been so awful.
      It was good that you were home to take care of your animal, heart wrenching as it was for you.
      There has to be a moment in time that you decide to do it, in retrospect you will second guess that moment but if you don’t choose one you are not giving them the gift of an easier passing.
      After having gone through this a few times, I can tell you that after about 2 weeks the feeling of reexamining the immediate circumstances of your pet’s death will probably recede quite a bit. You’ll get more perspective on it and come to accept it more. The grief will still be there and that takes a longer time to recede. Each day is kind of like a thin leaf in time to get between you and your grief. It may take months before enough of these accumulate to feel better. I went through quite a few days of feeling like my heart was broken. Now I still feel terrible when I go into my office at home because she basically lived her life there and everywhere I look is a memory of her. When I go out and try to do other things there is a feeling of guilt that I am forgetting all about my sweet little one.
      There is, to me, more sadness when a pet dies because they never spoke a cross word to you. they always gave you all their love and were happy when you were with them. In short, they are innocent
      and sweet and it’s hard for our human behavior to be as steadfast and loyal as theirs always is. We will never measure up! If you have that in mind maybe it will help a little.
      I hope I haven’t made you feel worse I know I have succeeded in making myself cry more! What you are going through is normal and it’s part of the grieving process. I wish I could say that there was an easy way to get through it but…I haven’t found one yet. Time is the only thing that heals.

    2. Thank you Leanne
      Your story has helped me. Our beautiful black Belgian Shepherd, Ruby, passed on Friday 22nd May 2020. We made the choice to help her on her journey, I know deep down she was suffering. She was 15 yrs and 2 months old. She was a failed police dog. The sweetest, kindest, most well behaved, loyal and loving. She had gone deaf also losing her eyesight, had struggled with a heart murmur for years, terrible arthritis in her bag legs and hips. Our big, long walks gradually became smaller and smaller. She went downhill quickly, diarrhoea and sickness, off her food and couldn’t get up without a lift from us, constantly panting and didn’t want to eat the last 2 days before, only managed to drink water but struggled to keep it in her mouth. She wasn’t responsive to our strokes and hugs and stared into space, so we knew it was time.
      My husband and I have cried for 3 days, we are constantly questioning our decision. It’s agonising, we have heavy hearts and actual physical pain. Our house feels empty without our best friend. The worst time is the mornings when we get up and she’s not there to greet us with her smile and wagging tail. I’m sleeping with her favourite teddy bear, I can smell her, it’s a comfort but also makes me cry again.
      I feel all of your pain, I’ve read most of the stories here and we all love our pets as though they were our children.
      I have feelings of guilt, I’m starting to feel angry, but most of all I’m extremely sad and totally bereft.
      Thank you for helping me and my family in our bereavement.
      Here’s to all all of our pets
      Warm hugs and best wishes.

  28. Kathleen, i had to reply- while your angel baby was a dog, mine was a sheep – gone over a year ago now. Like yours my baby was rescued from certain death. I imagine like me you felt proud to have been able to give them a chance at life. And so we think we can make them live forever- we saved them once after all! My dear Amber suffered signs of pneumonia after shearing, aged just 3 years and died 2 weeks after treatment started. Like you i have battled with the what ifs- did i miss something earlier, what if treatment started sooner etc etc. The end result is we drive ourselves mad with the grief and assumed guilt (i also live alone). All i can say is medication has helped me get to a more acceptable place. You may not need such intervention but do not be ashamed to ask for help if you need to. We both placed so much of our life and love on our little angels that when they failed to live as long as we anticipated they ought it threw our entire world off balance. Be kind to yourself, you gave your doggy a wonderful life which they would never had experienced without you. x

    1. I sincerely appreciate your empathy. The love and concern from all who knew Sunny Roux in any capacity has been warming. Despite, I simply feel like my heart and soul are broken. I have reflected a lot and think that being single makes a difference – the relationship is not owner and pet, that definitely is connected by love. Not minimizing that. The relationship is more of a partnership – still looking for the right word. When our loved one is gone, the rest of the family, with all the daily norms and rituals continues mostly as usual. Perhaps with a significant piece missing, but the bigger dynamics sort of take over and move on. For a single person, there is no longer a partner. There is no ritual, routine, soul feeding love to carry on. It’s void, stolen, gone.

      Those who have lost family pets can only understand to a point. The hole that is left is way deeper when what filled it so uniquely is gone.

      For me, I am still in shock. It has now been 10 days since Sunny was stricken by a deadly bacteria and died within hours. On one day, in the morning, she was there; the night, gone forever.

      I believe in lessons and inside out transformations – sometimes we bury or protect our feelings so well. It takes such a violent shock to rip the cover off and expose our vulnerability. It feels like a surrender; I have no energy to maintain my protection. I simply hurt and don’t care who sees it.

      The only way of making sense of it all for me is to create some kind of red flag list for people who adopt/own very small dogs. I have learned now, too late, of some warning signs that I could have responded to, if I had been more aware. For example, vomiting may be something that all dogs do, but in little dogs, dehydration can set in more quickly than in larger dogs. We can run to the vet every time a dog vomits, but we can note two things: the gums. If they have lost their normal pinkness, it means that the blood pressure is low – that can lead to shock. Secondly, weakness/limpness/a sense of fragility. Many website talk about noting lethargy. That’s different in little dogs. It’s not just low energy, but weakness as in wobbly, disoriented. My ER people doctor neighbor describes it as disengaged muscles.

      This kind of information is available on the web. Now, I have been finding lists and articles about recognizing a dog in shock, etc. But who does this when they adopt a sweet little dog who consumes them with love and fun? I think our rescue organizations should have a special page of information (not just a website link) of small dog highlights that would flag signs that trigger immediate action. If I could save anyone else from the pain, guilt, what if’s, depression, and all that we are experiencing, how great would that be.

      How I would give anything for a second chance, a close call, a relief that Sunny may be critically ill, but she will recover. I think about the love with which I would nurture her back to health and the new wisdom I would have that would enable me to take care of her even better. I’m the one who would also gain – she would be there to take care of me even better, too.

      1. Kathleen you sound like me a year ago. Like you i lost a beloved rescued baby (indeed it has happened a few times over the decades). when we have no one else it can seem like our whole family has been lost. That is fine, and we should not belittle the loss of these animals. Its gonna take time, but dont punish yourself with the shuda wuda cuda- we all look back on things with hindsight but trying to relive a better scenario in your head will just drive you mad (trust me). You are going through the stages of grief, the process is our emotions way of getting our rational minds to come to terms with loss, dont let anyone make you feel ashamed for going through it.

  29. I am a “failed foster”. After Hurricane Harvey in Aug 2017, I fostered a tiny, 3 mth old Chihuahua mix who was found drowning in a small bayou. A couple months later, she adopted me. I named her Sunny Roux – Sunny for her personality and future; Roux for part kangaroo, as this is how she ran after toys. Like a jumping kangaroo; I spelled Roux, the cajun way.
    Only 2 1/2 year’s old. And now she’s gone!
    What an angel!She even had 2 lighter fur strips on her typical tan Chihuahua coloring. I always said, that’s where her wings used to be. Sunny Roux had a Chihuahua face, but the rest looked like miniature greyhound. 10 pounds of love. And her speed – she loved covering the field in 5 seconds flat! Amazingly smart, sweet and loving. She loved everyone and assumed everyone loved her. She made everyone she met smile. Happy all the time. A dancer on hind legs, she had such cute gestures with waving paws and her passionate excitement when passing anyone on the street or welcoming visitors at home.
    I work from home, so we were together a lot. She made sure I took frequent breaks, so that we would go outside and play a bit. I made sure she was healthy, fully vaccinated, and happy. All in order. Weekly she went to Friday daycare with her friends at the “ranch”; other than in bed with me, The Ranch is her most favorite place in the world.
    Two days ago, Sunday morning, we went on our normal walk. She didn’t want her breakfast, but that wasn’t all that uncommon. She and I both are “grazers”. Then around 11am, she seemed disoriented, and vomited a few times. One, last night’s dinner, and two of bile. She seemed weak and fragile, and just wanted to sit outside in my small yard, under the bushes, almost as like it feels to want to sit by the toilet when you feel sick. I thought she just had a bad tummy and would feel more comfy in her bed under a cover, so moved her in. At 1.30, I met my sister for lunch; back home at 4.30 – to find blood all over the house.
    I rushed her to the emergency hospital nearby. They immediately put her on fluids and heating therapy because her blood pressure and body temp were so low, too low to do blood work. She was in shock. After an hour, they thought she had stabilized enough to begin treatment. Diagnosis: Accute Hemorrhage Gastroenteritis. They continued with fluids and were to begin plasma treatment.
    She would need to remain in the hospital overnight at least, so I was allowed to see her before going home, relieved that while she was critical, she was starting to improve. Sunny was too weak to wag, but she did know me and stretched out, rested her head on my hand, and seemed to relax. I thought she maybe was relieved to know I was there.
    Home for only 20 minutes, I received a call from the vet to return, that Sunny had taken a turn for the worse! She had arrested! When I got there, she was on breathing support and unresponsive. They said she may have had a blood clot from the hemorrhaging in her intestines. The doctor said they could try aggressive treatment but that she knew the chance of physical recovery was only 5% maximum and that Sunny as I knew her was already gone; brain dead. So they euthanized her.
    Sunny Roux started life in a hurricane and left to drown. Only 2.5 years and already her life was ended!
    Like so many who have told their stories here, I wonder what more I could have done? Could I have rushed her to the hospital when she vomited? Would she have gotten treatment that would prevent hemorrhaging from beginning? Why did I just put her in bed and leave for 3 hours when she seemed so weak? Would I have been able to calm and soothe her when she was feeling so bad? I would have been there for the first site of blood; would rushing her in that bit of time earlier have prevented her from going into shock? How could I leave her alone in such pain while I went to lunch?!
    I just can’t understand, comprehend, accept, believe that this has happened. I can only cry, look at her empty bed and toys, and go over and over all the photos I have taken of my little one.
    I know that I took care of her well and made her happy; but I still suffer guilt from asking what more could I have done. I look back and wonder about small signs I may have discounted because alone they weren’t so odd or meaningful; maybe now all together, was there something I should have noticed?
    I myself am now in shock – can’t eat, sleep, talk; it’s even hard to move. I live alone; neighbors who are all Sunny’s godparents are trying to help, but I decline all offers because all I can do is cry.
    I have resonated with all the postings here, and cognitively understand the feelings I have are normal. But that doesn’t help my heart. That’s where Sunny and I connected and that’s where it’s broken.

  30. As I have read through many of your heartbreaking stories with tears in my eyes, I am going to share mine. 2 days ago I thought I had a healthy 5 year old beagle mix named Pima. I rescued him as a pup running down a busy road with 3 other pups with him. I am not much a dog person at all, but cat lover instead. I knew I couldn’t keep them so I started searching for homes. Noone would take them. Found a no kill rescue that said bring them over. I was so excited. They took 3 but would not take the 4th one. They looked him over and said he was so sickly and he looked like death warmed over. Then I decided to take him to my vet to put him to sleep instead. Well, I got a big awaking from my vet he told me hes your dog now and let’s treat him and get him better…and I brought him home. Hes had some immune problems that we got basically under control and next step was housing for him. The 3 cats in my home wasn’t having him in thier safe space. I ordered a 20×10 special order kennel and bought a igloo home for him, enclosed part of it to cover his home as well. He seemed happy and comfortable for all these years and let him out on his lead to play in the grass/roll basically to get him off the concrete from time to time. I walked with him to the barn area also on occasions. I am fixing to tell you my guilt while I am crying and hating on myself right now. I run 2 businesses and I feel I have not taken the needed time to love on this absolutely sweet dog God gave me…and 2 days ago I was running a fever of 102 up til today. I have been sick for several weeks now and had not given him much attention…but he seemed like he knew I was sick and was still happy to see me even he wasn’t getting out of the kennel like normal. Yesterday I went to go feed/water him and he was just sitting there, vomit and black diarrhea in his pen. I got the water hose and cleaned it up and found some in his house. I washed it all out and and lined it with bath towels. I was so sick yesterday I said to myself I will take us both to doctors tomorrow morning. Well that was too late for him. I cant describe the guitlyness I am feeling right now for leaving him alone to die. He was such a gentle dog and I let him down. I dont think I will ever get over this. I am so sorry I didn’t bring him in. I hope God will forgive me and my precious dog named Pima. May we meet again.

  31. My dog was 18 years and 2 months old. I rescued her when she was 7 and she was the joy of my life. We just had her birthday party and over 15 dogs came and ate icecream with us. I have walked her in a stroller for the past 5 years always thinking this year was the last but still she kept on rocking though she couldn’t walk far. She was only a little dachshund about 9lb. She was increasingly frail, blind, deaf, with no teeth and a big tumor but I loved her so much. On Friday I was outside picking up poop in the garden and came inside and she was right in the entrance to the kitchen and I kicked her out the way but I did not kick her hard or purposefully. She knocked into the bottom stair and she looked dazed. I picked her up and carried her with me consoling her. She was not making any noise but she looked very confused and her body seemed limp. I carried her all night and was loving her. She had no bleeding or anything like that. But it was as if I started a chain reaction. I stayed with her stroking her kissing her all night till 12.45am. Then I slept a bit. I heard her getting up about 3am and I got up too. She could not walk. Her legs were splaying and she was making bathroom. I cleaned her off and tucked her back in her bed, kissing and stroking her and praying it was a temporary thing. In the morning at 6am she had just passed = her tongue was cold but her body was warm but she was no longer breathing. I loved this girl so much. Yes, she was not far from death in the overall scheme of life but did my foot really kill her? I would never kick her angrily but maybe I have nudged her out the way as we all do. I am even wondering what happened as I re-entered the house. Did I not see her? Did I kick her to avoid standing on her? I believe it was a good thing she passed at home with tenderness and peacefully in her sleep but I just can’t help but think I started the chain of events. How could I? I keep putting cushions down and reliving how I ran into the kitchen that day, did I kick her hard?

  32. Thank you Edna! It is nice to have this community here, even though I wish it was under better circumstances.

    My Charlie also died of pancreatitis and I while I am not a vet, I wanted to share with you a few things that I learned when I spoke to the internist that worked with Charlie. He did some research for me, and apparently the fat content=pancreatitis perception mostly come from one study that simply observed that dogs that got into the garbage had a higher instance of pancreatitis. He said in Charlie’s case it could have been something as undetectable as a blood clot. Another vet I spoke with told me that based on her situation, it sounded like a congenital issue.
    I’ve often found myself Googling dog pancreatitis when my guilt and anxiety about Charlie’s death flare up and I have to say, I’ve never seen anything warning of bone marrow. I did find out that peanut butter had a high fat content, which I didnt know and have always seen recommended for dog treats. A lot of the resources do mention high fat content but also state it could be other causes including genetics, Cushing’s and I think I even saw one mention stress.
    Point being, the internist told me, pancreatitis is still a bit of a mystery in dogs.
    Also, I wanted to point out that I have a new puppy now and I have tried to be very careful with her diet, but it can be incredibly confusing particularly when it comes to bones. As soon as you think you’ve found a healthy, safe choice there is a review or article saying it’s going to kill your dog. At the same time chewy stuff like bones are the only thing that keep me sane when she needs an activity that’s not playing or walking.
    I understand that it’s hard not to blame yourself but a) you don’t know the bone was the cause and b) you had no way of knowing that it even could harm your dog. I hope this helps. It is a tough road, but it’s clear you loved your dog and did your best with her. Please try to remember that.

  33. I lost my 8 year old Shih-Tzu, Waldo on Wednesday. I was taking him for a walk when a coyote came up and bit him. I rushed him to the 24 hour vet but his lung was punctured and I had to put him to sleep. I almost never took him for a walk so late but I had been working a lot and wanted him to have some fun at the beach. If I had just let him run around in the backyard he would still be with me, sitting on my lap right now. I’m absolutely devastated. He was like a son to me.

  34. Ashley, I’ve been there. My first dog as an adult, Myles, was diagnosed with a stomach tumor at age 8. He only lived 3 weeks after the diagnosis. He passed at home, and it was incredibly traumatic, like you described. I should have taken him in sooner to be put to sleep, but I just didn’t know. He suffered unnecessarily, but of course that was never my intention, or yours either. I think you were in denial about losing Bronx, and wanted him with you as long as possible. You loved him. Of course you’re thinking of every time you were impatient with him. That’s normal. Take care of yourself. Forgive yourself. You didn’t know. You thought he had a little more time. You were hoping. I’m grieving too, I just lost my second boy, Mike (comment below yours). Hang in there. It will get better.

  35. I lost my sweet Bronx on Friday night. He was 12 years old, I’ve had him since he was an 8 week old puppy. He was always energetic, playful and kind. He had the best personality and would make everyone laugh with his twirls and noises that sounded like a turkey. He was my life. We did everything together, he even moved to the US with me where I did some work for 6 months. I grew up with horses so Bronx was always on the horse farm with me. My mom owned one and that’s where we lived for half his life.
    I then met my husband. We had a son and things changed a bit. I didnt spend as much time with bronx as I could even though I tried. Bronx was very jealous and resented my son. At the time you dont notice these things as much but after they are gone you sure do. We then bought our own farm and have been here for 3 years. Bronx always had this tiny mass on his light, I had it looked at by the vet and was told it was just a fatty deposit and will not affect him, he had it for years.
    This past July, the mass swelled up to 10 times its size and burst. I took him to the vet where they took him in right away to have it removed. The surgery was successful but she said one of his lymphnode was a but swollen so she took a sample. The results came back cancer.
    They gave him 1-4 months to live.
    I couldn’t believe it. He was so healthy to me and I never noticed a change in behaviour.
    Approximately 1 month later, all the lymph nodes in his ground swelled up literally overnight. I took him to the vet and was prescrobed 2 different pain killers and 1 anti inflammatory, all had to be given 3 times a day. They seemed to help. After 2 months he refused to take them, I tried everything to get these pills into him, even opening them up and stringing with water but he would just spit it up. It was to the point where he stopped eating because he thought I was hiding pills in everything. He started to swell up in the belly too. I called my vet to get more pills, I was determined to find ways to get them into him even if I had to force him. He needed them! They said it would be a day or so to refill the prescription. We had some Metacam from his previous neck surgery that worked wonders for pain in him so we made the decision to give that to him until I got thr pills from the vet. Well within 1 dah, all the belly swelling was gone! And he was wearing again! He was jumping around feeling like his old self and seemed happier. So we decided to keep him on it. We knew he didnt have much time left with us, but whatever was making him comfortable and happy is what we wanted for him. He was doing 10 times better on the Metacam than the horse pills the vet gave me.
    We did this for about 3 weeks. Last weekend for Thanksgiving, my dad came over and coukdnt believe the difference in him in just 1 week. It was great, I thought we just might have a few more months together.
    That’s thanksgiving sunday was great, bronx was jumping around happy, eating turkey, stuffing, he seemed happy. Then the Monday came.
    He ate some bacon for breakfast off my plate that I gave him then turned his nose and laid in his bed all day. I thought maybe hes just tired. He was still getting up for water and going for pees outside.
    Tuesday, Bronx didnt eat at all, he was drinking a ton of water and seemed depressed. Intried hand feeding him but nothing.
    Wednesday, he was weak, would get up for water and kind of do a zig zag as he walked but would still go out for pees.
    Thursday, he was even more weak, would zig zag walking and when he woke go for a pee would just stand there outside the door and do it. I knew then, it was time for Bronx, I didnt want him to starve to death and was just in so much shock about how he was doing so amazing the last month to this in 3 days. I made the devastating call to the vet to have him seen by my vet and to probably have him euthanized on Monday, I wanted to spend the one last weekend with him.
    Then the Friday came. He was worse. I went up to feed the horses, when I came back I found him laying in the kitchen in his urine. I picked him up, cleaned him off and played him in his bed. I think he slipped and couldnt get up while going for water.
    I cried and cried. Didnt know what to do but I had a very serious work meeting to attend for just an hour so I quickly jumped in the shower. When I got out of the shower I found him laying in the hall in his urine again. But this time he got up on his own and walked to his bed and layed down. I cried and cried and called the vet, moved the euthanasia to tomorrow (saturday). I wanted to just have 1 more night with my baby.
    That friday night, I cuddled bronx on the couch, he was so weak, he couldn’t barely lift his head, couldn’t walk. I should have taken him to the vet that night but I never knew what was going to happen. I took bronx to bed with me, my husband slept on the couch so I could have the whole bed with him. I pet him and cried and told him how much I loved him, I knew in 1e hours he would be at the vet to he feed of this mystery and we both fell asleep.
    At 1 am Bronx woke me up with 2 small whimpers, somehow he had gotten himself turned around the opposite way of how I had laid him,
    I rearranged him, got him comfy and tried giving him some water, which he didnt want. His heart was pounding so so hard, he was moving his front legs, I pet him and cried and cried and told him he wouldn’t be suffering anymore soon, he seemed to calm down as I pet him. I per him until I fell asleep.
    I woke up at 5 am to find him dead beside me. Let me tell you, it was the worst day of my life. You can only imagine the screaming and crying. My husband came home from work to help me. We took Bronx to the vet to send him off for cremation.
    Now,6 days later. I am a mess. I have been to the doctor, I’m on anti anxiety medication, I have been referred to a psychiatris, I’m depressed, full of guilt. I cant think of anything good just all the bad things I never did for bronx, I should have paid more attention when the kids came, I shouldn’t have gotten so angry with him all the time when the baby was sleeping and he would wake him up. All these regrets have put me into a deep depression. But, my biggest regret is not taking him to the vet that friday to be put down. Because of my own selfishness and wanting just 1 more night with him, he died. And I cannot keep wondering if he had a peaceful death or painful. All of this is eating me alive. I’m sorry for the long post.
    I miss you Bronx, and I hope the Rainbow bridge does exist.

  36. Reading these stories makes me feel less alone, but I’m so sad for all of us.

    My 13-year-old Jack Russell passed on Sunday. He was my baby and I miss him so much and I feel like I won’t ever feel better.

    He had an immune-mediated arthritis condition since he was 6 or 7, which it took a while to diagnose and we treated with steroids, the only thing that worked. When he turned 12 last year, he had a couple rounds of “old dog vestibular disease,” with balance issues. He saw a neurologist for that. 7 months ago he started drinking tons of water and peeing on the floor. He saw a neurologist again and then an internist who diagnosed him with diabetes. We gave him an insulin shot every 12 hours and brought him to the vet several times to get his glucose curve checked. They gradually increased his insulin dose until 5 units seemed like not quite enough and 5.5 was perfect “unless he misses a meal.” But he never missed a meal and had a huge appetite.

    He lost his eyesight about 2 months before he passed, which is common with diabetes. But he was very stressed about being blind and didn’t adjust well. He was getting around better but didn’t like it. We had him tested to see if he could get cataract surgery but he wasn’t a candidate.

    He was getting up several times a night. We would go to bed at 8:30 to be able to get a decent amount of sleep. He’d wake up at 11:30 and I’d take him out to pee and give him a snack. But he’d keep getting up. Sometimes wouldn’t go back to sleep at all and my husband would go lie on the floor with him to get him to rest. We were zombies, and it affected our mood.

    Last week my husband had to work an event and would be out of the house all day (he works from home and I do partially but not every day). We also both needed to sleep. So we took our dog to a place where he stayed when we went on vacation when he first got diabetes. They are able to give shots, while his regular place was not. It’s a wonderful place with excellent reviews and he’d stayed there before and been happy.

    They called after the 5th night to say he’d had a seizure. They found him that way when they went to feed him, and took him to the emergency vet. I went to the vet to see him and he was unresponsive but we waited 24 hours to see if he’d start to come around. The vet said if he was in the seizure too long, he would have brain damage. He didn’t recover, and seemed to be “gone.” They we’re giving him doses of meds for pain and brain swelling, but when the pain meds wore off, he’d stand up and press his head against the floor. He wasn’t there mentally and was in pain, and we needed to say goodbye. I had to go back (with my dad) and hold him while the vet administered the euthanasia drug.

    It was the right decision, but I feel awful that he had the seizure. That he was alone when it happened. That maybe I contributed to his death because I hadn’t taken him back for another curve 2 weeks after his last one. We got caught up with appointments with the ophthalmologist and thought his glucose was fine. We had made an appointment for the day he was supposed to come back from boarding, but what if I’d done it before? He probably had the seizure because his blood sugar got too low. Maybe because he didn’t have a snack at night while he was there. Maybe they made a mistake. Maybe it was something totally separate. I don’t know. My husband feels awful because he didn’t get to say goodbye. He was working and couldn’t.

    This is the worst. I miss him so much.

  37. I’m so sorry. Little over two years ago I accidentally dropped my pug on the floor and killed him. It was so hard. I’m a guy and I cried and hurt for weeks. But You can be assured your baby knew you loved him. And you gave your furbaby a great life. But don’t let guilt eat you up to much. It’s going to be rough for quite a long time but just remember others out there have had Accidents with there furbabies too Take care and God bless

  38. I walked my chihuahua Sunday afternoon about 4pm. He was 13 years old and only 5lbs. I live in an upstairs apartment so I always carry him down and then sort of squat/kneel to set him down. Sometimes he jumps but i catch him. Sunday he jumped and I didn’t catch him. From 1-1.5 feet from the cement he landed on his right side of head and a little shoulder/leg. I thought it was hard. He stood up. I felt all around his head to make sure it wasn’t broke. It felt fine and I picked him up again and carried him to the grass area. He walked like normal, just a minute or two. Then I carried him back up and put in his bed. He seemed fine. I left home for 2 hours and got back. I had dinner, he was up eating or at least near his bowl. About an hour later, around 730pm, I happened to look and he was on his back, paws up, seizing. I yelled his name and ran to grab him. I didn’t know what to do. I ran to my neighbor’s and they helped me call emergency vets and my neighbor drove me. I held my dog in the car, the whole way he seized, the whole 15 minute ride was the closest emergency vet. He was foaming at the mouth, shaking. I saw he but his tongue it was bloody and a piece missing. I was crying. I got to the vet, they took him right away and gave an IV and diazepam. It didn’t stop the seizure. They had him a while then came and said he needed sedation. I agreed for them to do anything, any price. He got propofol because the seizure wouldn’t stop. He got mannitol for his brain swelling. He was sedated but still shaking plus the seizing had been for at least 20 minutes so the doctor felt it was very poor prognosis. I agreed to let him be put to sleep. I have guilt for walking him at that time, for not catching him when he jumped, for thinking his head was ok because I felt it and it seemed fine, for leaving him for 2 hours after the fall but before this seizing happened. Now I wonder if he seized while I was gone, was his brain swelling over time, was he scared, was he in pain with a headache. I had him 13 years and I knew he was older and the day would come he would be gone BUT not this way. The image keeps playing in my head of him seizing. I’m sad, mad, feel guilty. I’m so upset I can’t see him one more time or talk to him (I’m one of those people who talked to my dog (like hi, eat your dinner, it’s time for bed.) I regret anytime I was annoyed he was yapping at night and I shhh’d him loud or tapped his bed with my foot to quiet or when he missed the puppy pad and I yelled his name. I don’t know how to stop thinking about the horrible last hours. To wonder if he felt loved. I can’t stop crying. I haven’t even slept at home since Sunday, it was always just my dog and me living there.

  39. I lost my Daisy Doodles yesterday, she was 15 and a half and had bad arthritis and canine dementia.

    For weeks she’d been waking me up anything up to 5 times a night. I was very tired.

    On Monday I noticed she was drinking lots of water, but she always did, so I wasn’t too worried. We’d been out for a short stroll down the road and back and she’d been proper Sassy as per usual. She was sleeping a lot too.

    I’d been giving her Melatonin to help her sleep and I’d swapped her pain meds round so that she’d have one before finally settling down to keep her going through the night. On Monday night I’d given her half a Co-codamol instead of her usual Pardale as Co-codamol are easily available. Only half a dose and the ingredients are the same as Pardale.

    I woke Tuesday morning at 6am, which is unheard of as she normally has me up throughout the night… I though Wow! She’s slept through, that’s great!

    When I got downstairs she wasn’t on her normal chair, but on the floor. She’d had an accident, but she often did and its easy to clear up. I went to touch her to wake her (she was deaf) and it was then I realised she’d gone.

    Now all I can think is, Did I kill her by giving her Co-codamol? Did I give her too big a Melatonin dose? Did she have a seizure? Was she in pain? I feel bad as she died alone, downstairs. Did she cry for me but I didn’t hear her? I usually heard every whimper and whine and woke immediately to see to her. Yesterday I didn’t hear her, if she did call out for me and now she’s not here.

    I’m lost without her. Run Free Sweet Daisy… You were my forever dog, my sweet girl… And I feel like I failed you when you needed me most.

  40. I lost my 7 yr old silky terrier Gabby this past Thursday morn at 12:30am. Gabby had never once been sick in 7 yrs.
    On Monday evening I fed her and she was fine, about 3 hours later she vomited her dinner. I thought ok, she has an upset stomach. She was drinking water and vomiting it back up so Tuesday I took her to the vet (it was just before they closed). The vet took an X-ray and said she had gas. She did not have a temperature. They gave her a shot for vomiting, a shot for the gas and a shot of antibiotics. They said basically she needs to burp or toot it out.. by Wednesday she was walking around slowly and couldn’t seem to get comfortable but still drinking water and vomiting some but they said she had a stomach ache with the gas and her tummy was kind of distended so I thought ok she has a stomach ache. By Wednesday night she was panting and shivering and I thought well she doesn’t feel good. I spent Monday night, all day Tuesday and all day and evening Wednesday on the floor with her. I began giving her water with a medication syringe. About 9:30 pm she burped 3 good times and vomited a little brown junk. I thought awesome, the bubble is working it’s way out. I was rubbing and patting her like trying to burp her. At 11:30 pm she basically just collapsed. I ran and got my husband and we scooped her up to head to the emergency vet. She went limp in my arms halfway out of the driveway. My husband tried cpr but she was gone. We went to the vets anyway and he confirmed she was gone. He asked if he could check her stomach on a hunch and we said yes. About 10 minutes later he came back and said she had a small tear in her stomach. Gabby was never a chewer even as a baby, and she never got rawhides or bones, she didn’t like them. I feel like I’m falling into a deep hole. My god, did I kill her by waiting to go back to vet too long? They said she had gas and even though the vet said the tear would not have shown on the X-ray and the fact that she did not have fever at the time there was no possible way anyone could have known. But I keep asking myself if I had taken her in earlier that day or at 9:30 pm when she began to shiver? I just keep asking myself over and over did I kill her? Did I just sit there petting her and let her die? She was my best friend. She was with me 24/7. I feel like I let my poor innocent loving friend down and didn’t help her when she needed me most.

    1. Oh Peggy,

      You did everything you could would the information you were given.
      My Maggie died in my arms on the way to emergency this Sunday. She was being treated for pneumonia and had been up and down over the past couple weeks, but we were finally feeling like we had gotten the drug cocktail right. She was just at the vet Friday getting some more meds to make her belly feel better with the antibiotics. Then Saturday around 5pm she started breathing really rapidly. I called the on-call vet (my clinic is closed weekends), and he said as long as her gums are pink it should be fine. Her lungs were compromised and this was to be expected.
      I texted him back after 5 hours as there was no change in breathing asking if I should go to the emergency and he asked if I had discussed that with my regular vet. I told him it wasn’t discussed, more mentioned and he replied with, ‘we’ll touch base in the morning’. At that point I was confused and just wanted Maggie to have some relief, but didn’t want to over react. Also, the emergency clinic is 1 hr away and as I don’t have a car, I had to ask a friend to take me. I had asked her earlier that day, and she so graciously said she would take me, but I didn’t want to waste anyone’s time if this was going to pass.
      Finally at 2am it was too much (for both of us), I called the emergency clinic to let them know I was coming, I called and woke my friend and we headed out. I just wanted her to get some oxygen for Maggie to get her stable and feeling better so the drugs could finally start working. At least that’s how I saw it in my head.
      Maggie died in my arms in the car on the way to the emergency and I can’t stop thinking that if I just would have left as soon as I thought about taking her, and had cared less about annoying the on-call vet and bothering my friend, Maggie would still be here.
      She had so much life left (she was 9 yrs old approx.) and was the most lovely, affectionate, beautiful girl and I miss her and feel like I failed her.

    2. Peggy,
      So sorry to hear about your loss of Gabby. Your story sounds so much like mine. My beautiful baby boy Baxter a Shih-poo mix was only 7.5 years old. He wasn’t eating which was a pattern he had he would be fine with eating then go through periods where he would not eat. We thought he was just a picky eater very frustrating at times. So on Christmas I thought he was just going through one of his phases but he looked so happy and health he was having so much fun that day. He did eat on Christmas was happy he ate even though it was rich food. He started to vomit several times so I took him to the emergency vet on Christmas night. They gave him meds to settle his stomach but told me to take him to my regular vet as soon as possible which i did. They ran tests and told me he was in kidney failure I was in stock how could he be so sick. They kept him in the emergency hospital for 5 days trying to flush out his kidneys but it did not work. I never left my baby boy with anyone and the look of terror in his eyes when i left him there will haunt me forever. The guilt I feel because how long was he sick they said he had kidney disease. When I told the vets he was not a good eater I should of pushed for more tests then maybe he would still be alive. I had to put him down on Jan. 6,2020 he woke up blind with constant diarrhea and vomiting. I could not bear to see him suffer any longer. I am also single and he was my whole life I am lost without him I loved him so much and my heart is shattered I cant stop crying. He was the sweetest happiest little guy that never left my side. I really don’t know how or if I will ever be able to move forward I am in so much pain.
      I am so sorry to hear about and read about all of your losses. I hope we can find peace.

  41. Rebecca. Your insight and comments help A lot. Thank you for taking the time to be an encouragement to everyone who is suffering the painful loss of a pet.

    I loss my 17 year old poodle in 2017. It was an accident. I poisoned him by giving him the cat’s medication in error. I was careless and and foolish and I should have taken him the the vet earlier. I am healed and have forgiven myself but it was a long hard process and I beat myself up plenty. Going through all the wouldda, couldda, shouldda does not help and serves no purpose anyway.

    Thank you for reminding everyone that we all human and prone to make mistakes.

    I did not go for counselling,but I know my Christian faith helped me through my challenging season of regret, shame and guilt and I am now in a place of complete healing and wholeness. That being said, I do recommend counselling to anyone who is needing help.

    God Bless you, Rebecca,


  42. Coming back to this site after it helped me a lot when my dog passed away in March. I blamed myself and was sure it was my fault. I just wanted to give everyone my support and let you know that I understand what you are going through. Please try to be kind to yourself, especially if you are blaming yourself or beating yourself up for a mistake you made. You are only human. One of my favorite neko case songs has a lyric “I do my best, but i’m made of mistakes.” All human beings make mistakes (that’s not just a platitude I have studied this for my job). I encourage anyone (if you can, I understand not everyone has the means) to seek out counseling. It might seem like nothing can help, but that is often just grief, anxiety and depression talking. I hope this helps.


  44. I lost my Baxter on September 20th he had been suffering from seizures and we were giving him meds recommended to us by our vet. I was in charge of giving him his medication every night before bed. I had forgotten to the night before and put him outside in the morning with the rest of our dogs. After i got home from work i typically feed all the dogs but that day i didn’t. It wasn’t until my mother in law came rushing in saying that she thinks Baxter is in the pool that I realize that i have not checked on them since i got home. He was floating in the pool having already passed we think he had a seizure and fell in the pool and was to weak to get out himself. I am devastated, if i had just fed them when i got home like i usually do, he might still be alive, if i had not forgotten to give him his meds he might still be alive. If i had just been a better parent he might still be alive. I’m so sorry Baxter I love you so much and would do anything to hear you talk to me one last time.

  45. My dog was 7.5 years old he was only 6 years old when he was diagnosed with heart disease DCM. We managed it well for 8 months but upon a check up they said he had a heart murmur put him on more meds and it was down hill from there. He was always playful loved our walks, car rides and visits to Reno to see his human brother in college. It got to where a walk around our pool would exhaust him. I kept fighting for him….More meds, less salt different foods etc. But last Friday he started with his cough and it didn’t stop until he took his last breathe. I took him in Saturday night to put him down. The doctor said we can try cough meds etc but at this point he was on 22 pills a day. Some days he didn’t want to take them i had to force him to, cuz i didn’t want him to get worse or have a setback. I didn’t want to add any more to him, his kidneys were worsening and I so didn’t want him to suffer. He didn’t deserve it. He was the BEST dog, a pitty and so well behaved. His mannerism was so docile and loving. He loved everyone he met. Except squirrels he loved to chase them! I realized I wasn’t letting him be a dog for fear of a setback. That is why i decided to put him down. But that doesn’t come without regret and what ifs. I feel awful like I killed my baby, even though I DO know it was for him. To be whole again and be a dog chasing birds and squirrels going for walks and rides and enjoying life. How do i get over the guilt and feeling of the reason he is no longer with us?

    I miss and love him dearly and so wish he was here but we WILL see each other again. I love you Cisco…..RIP

  46. Poppy & I have an appointment to see the vet this afternoon. isn’t there already enough guilt & regret in life, can’t the vet help my Poppy? I just want a little more time.

  47. My beautiful 9 year old Labrador Ollie, died July 2nd, after approximately 2 weeks in hospital. The day after I gave Ollie a raw bone, I noticed he was displaying signs of abdominal pain. Took him straight to the vet who suggested he may have pancreatitis which flared up due to the marrow in the bone being too fattening. Ollie often had an “upset stomach” and I was aware of avoiding feeding him a fatty diet. The marrow in the bone did not cross my mind. After 2 days, he seemed worse and refused to eat. I took him to a vet hospital who did an abdominal ultrasound and they found a mass on his pancreas and severe pancreatitis.
    He had surgery to drain the mass and spent a few days in Intensive Care before being discharged home. He wasn’t really interested in food so every 4 hours, I had to feed him through a tube they put directly into his stomach. The next day he declined and was back in hospital. His blood results were showing there was some liver involvement, he was becoming jaundice, had fluid in his lungs and his heart was beating irregularly. Then, just like that, he came good. Everything was improving. During a visit, I asked if I could sit outside with so he could get out of the hospital and get some fresh air. We spent 2 hours relaxing in the sun. The vet told me I could most likely take him home in 2 days time. The next day, Ollie was completely paralysed on his left side and was unable to walk. The vet thought he either had a clot on his spine or a bleed in his brain and was bleeding internally. I was devastated. He couldn’t even stand for toileting purposes and the vet said he would be suffering so it was time to say goodbye. It absolutely killed me but I knew it was the best thing to do for Ollie. Speaking to a few vets, I get different stories. One vet thinks the pancreatitis was brought on by the bone I fed him, whilst another vet said it would have nothing to do with what I fed him and that sometimes,these conditions and causes are unknown. At the end of the day, I will never know what caused Ollie to become unwell and then had to be put to sleep, but I blame myself.

  48. My maltese died this morning in my arms. My dad brought him home a year and a half ago, said his boss gave it away because he had gotten a new dog.

    His name was Lilo, and he was the most sweetest and loyal dog, he was small but very brave & never left my side. He was diagnosed with congestive heart failure in November.

    He survived through the winter despite his odds (he was around 12, but we weren’t sure since his previous scumbag owner never cared to tell us), and he seemed to be doing fine overall.

    I was the one in charge of his meds and taking care of him alongside my other dog. I also suffer from BDP, so I struggle a lot with stress and empathy, but I cared for him very much, even if I got annoyed sometimes by his clinginess.

    I got stressed because of them this past week and I had an episode and got very depressed, irritated, etc, and I lost track of his meds. I even pushed him away, but I did my best not to ignore him. I tried so hard to be nice to him, to pet him, to cuddle and spoil him. His medication ran out on Friday, but they told me I had to wait until today for approval.

    He drowned. And I could do nothing but watch and hold him and comfort him. In his last moments, while we were ready to take him to the hospital, he turned to me and tried to lick my face, and I told him that I loved him very much while I hugged him. He passed away after that.

    I don’t think he had much time left, but I wonder if I had cared more for him, if I had called for his refill a week earlier, then he would probably still be with me. I feel like I killed him, like I gave him the most horrible death. I wish he would hate me for it, but I know he loved me until the end and I don’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve him, he deserved someone who could love him and spoil him and give him everything, not the trash of a person he got.

    I couldn’t stop crying. I wish my tears would bring him back.

    I miss him. He was my best friend. Kind and patient where I was not. It felt like we knew each other for far longer than a lifetime the short time we spent together. I don’t think I’ll ever get another dog. I know he has forgiven me, but I don’t think I’m ready to forgive myself yet. I hope we can meet on another more kinder life.

  49. I lost my dog on August 20th. I took my dog to the vets on this date as she was lethargic and had not eaten for 2 days. The vet took a blood sample and gave my dog some steroids. I was going to get the results the next day. I took my dog home and she went on her sofa. I was going upstairs s I carried her upstairs to her bed. I checked 30 minutes later and she had saliva under her mouth. I knelt on the floor and put the dog on my lap so I could turn her quilt over. She was quite limp and rolled off my lap. I lay her back on her quilt and she started to cough for breath. She did this for 5 minutes then died. The next day the vet told me my dog had anemia. One of the problems with anemia is blood clots on the lungs. I had no idea. I believe when she rolled off my lap she dislodged a blood clot which blocked her lungs. I blame myself for her death. I will never forgive myself. Why did I not leave her downstairs on the sofa? I have had no confirmation this is what has happened but I totally blame myself for her death. I will never forgive myself. She was my world and it will leave a big hole on my life. I will carry this around for the rest of my life. RIP SPARKLE and I am sorry I caused your death.

  50. Our family dog died just last Saturday. His name is Cicorie and he was 8 years old and 3 months… we got him when he was only a month old. When my husband and I weren’t married yet, he was already with us. We treated him like our baby and i have never felt unconditional love the way our dear baby would show us. He slept on the same bed with us, cuddle with us, we took him to almost all trips we had. Then my husband and I got married and had our first baby. Now our daughter is three and loves our baby boy as well. 2 months ago, my husband and I had a fight and he moved out of the house and left me with our daughter and dog. He was already planning to get Cico this monday so he would be better taken cared of since my hands were full in taking care of our toddler, working, running a small business and some classes and couldn’t give him the same attention I did before. I am a stay at home mom who is self-employed. Last saturday I took Cico for his annual shots. Everything was fine. I brought him back home where I told my aunt to give him a small piece of meat as a treat for being a good boy at the vet. However, that piece of meat choked him to death. As soon as my aunt gave the meat she left him. I was already out of the house by then because I had to go to church. When I came back home and checked up on him, I thought he was just sleeping. But in the evening, I was wondering why it was so quiet so i decided to check up on him. I kept calling out his name but he was not responding so i tried to wake him up by shaking him and when i touched him from his back, he was stiff and cold. I immediately called my husband to tell him of the sad news. He immediately came and we were both crying our hearts out. In a way we both blame ourselves for being such bad parents to him. We neglected him and failed to check up on him or play with him when he wanted… My husband regrets not being there or not being the one who took him in for the shots. I regret not being the one who gave him food instead of asking someone else to do it. I feel terrible… I don’t know how I would cope up without him… I regret all my decisions in life. Had I stayed a little longer and gave him the food instead to make sure it wasn’t too big for him, he would still be here with us now… it’s painful but as my husband said, he passed away to teach us a lesson. To teach us that we shouldn’t be parted as a family. And that as a family, we should always be together unlike what had happened to us. Our daughter is also affected. She is slowly learning what death means. And out of the blue she would cry because she feels like it was her fault that Cico died and it breaks my heart more. I feel like I have multiple needles slowly being inserted in my heart. It’s so difficult to accept that he’s gone just like that. He was so healthy and lively. I couldn’t stop thinking what he felt while he was choking and if he was ever in pain. He died alone and in the dark. I want to get mad at my aunt but I can’t bring myself to because she raised me. And I know that she didn’t want it to happend as she loved Cico almost like how we loved him. She knew we treated him like our son. We buried him at our family’s grave together with all his belongings. I love you so much my dear boy. We will always be thinking about you and how you changed our lives. Your life will not be in vain and we will do our best to be a better family. Run free and i hope we can see each other again when the time comes.

  51. I lost my sweet Krystal on June 22. I’m not sure why I decided to go through with the surgery. She had a tumor in her liver. She was 14 1/2 years old. I never felt it was the wrong thing to do. She did get to come home two days later because she wouldn’t eat and they felt she would do better at home. She was a standard poodle weighing about 50 pounds. She couldn’t walk so taking her out was a challenge but by her 2am walk I was able to walk her by myself and she seemed to be doing better.

    But when morning came around she wasn’t doing as well. Neighbors helped me walk her and we noticed she wasn’t lifting one paw. She wouldn’t tense it when I touched it either. Later in the day her other front paw was the same and her breathing had changed. I sent the hospital a video of her breathing and they told me to bring her to the ER.

    I was told I needed to leave her. She had pneumonia. I hated leaving her again and told her how much I loved her and that she needed to get better so she could come back home. My best friend was with me and told me later that I had said such sweet things to her.

    The next morning they called and said I could come visit and that she appeared to be doing better. I got there and the ER doctor told me her pneumonia was clearing up but she had a stroke. I was taken back to see her. I’m not sure she knew I was there. Her eyes were closed. But I rubbed her and told her how much I loved her.

    The doctor told me she had a very good chance of getting past this. I asked if I could stay with her and they said no. I told the doctor to call me if anything happened. I wanted to be with her if she passed.

    My sister was with me and so we went back home. For what ever reason my phone didn’t ring. I happened to check it and saw the missed call. I called immediately. They said that she has passed. That even if I had taken the call there wouldn’t have been time for me to get there. They said they had just given her pain medication because they were going to move her to get another x-ray. That she wasn’t in any pain.

    I feel so guilty that I wasn’t with her when she died. Krystal came to me as a rescue at 2 1/2 years old. She had been so mistreated. She didn’t even know how to play with toys. She and I really bonded. She trusted me to protect her. I told her early on that I would always protect her and be with her.

    I should have insisted that I stay with her. I should have stayed in the waiting area. In my heart I knew she wasn’t going to make it. Why did I leave? I could have been comforting her. I keep asking her to forgive me. I was supposed to protect her. I should have been with her.

    I’m so heartbroken. I thought I was doing better but today I feel so overwhelmed with guilt.

  52. DEAr Nate
    Unless your dog stated choking Immediately the very second he ate the cheese I don’t think that was the cause. Doesn’t sound like he did.doesnt sound like he was even choking. Seizures have to do with the brain, Sounds like your doggy had a long healthy happy life and didn’t suffer.
    He’s not only alive and happy playing in heaven right now, he’ll be there to meet you at the rainbow bridge.

  53. I lost my best friend suddenly this past Sunday and I can’t stop blaming myself for it.

    My Cheeba was 16 years old. A beautiful shepherd/lab mix, I got him when he was only weeks old. He was the best companion you could ask for, by my side through every failed relationship and life change I went through. He was slowing down a bit but still so full of life. He had testicular cancer a year ago but underwent the operation and was doing great. Still excited to go for walks and still happy to see me every time.

    Because of a crazy work schedule and me having a son 2.5 years ago who lives in a neighboring town I was not home much, so he’s lived with my mother (right next door on the same street as me) for the past year and a half or so. He had become her best friend in that time, with both of my sisters moving out and one of them taking the cat with her, it was just my mom and my dog. Her daily routine soon shaped itself around his walks, feeding, playing etc.

    Sunday I took my son and met my mother at my grandfather’s house to watch the women’s World Cup game. Then I took my son to play with his cousins at his mothers house. It was a great day. After putting him to bed I headed home, but had to stop on the way to ship off a package and figured while I was out I would stop at the grocery store. While in the grocery store I got a frantic call from my mother in a full panic saying Cheeba died. I ran out of the store and to my truck to drive home as fast as I could, about 15 minutes. Apparently she had left some cheese out and he snatched it off the table. She yelled at him and called him a bad dog (very out of character for her) and then soon after he went into some kind of seizure. We don’t know for sure if he choked on the cheese or had some kind of seizure or heart attack, but she said it happened fast… 1-2 minutes. She tried to dislodge the cheese but couldn’t get to it. By the time I got to her house he was gone, but his body was still warm. I broke down in tears for the first time in many years when I saw him, but quickly gathered myself and tried to do cpr before putting him in the back of the car and racing to the emergency vet another 15 minutes away hoping they could do something. They told us he had no heartbeat and offered to keep the body, but we took him home with us and laid him in his bed one last time.

    I didn’t sleep at all that night.

    The guilt is still overwhelming days later. Why hadn’t I gone straight home. Even if I shipped my package but skipped the grocery store I would have been closer to the house and made it to him sooner. Why didn’t I tell my mother to try the Heimlich on him. We are not sure if he died from the choking and will never know since we had him cremated without an autopsy. It would have brought peace if the cause of death was something else, but would have reenforced the guilt if it was the cheese. I told her to call the emergency vet and have them tell her what to do til I got there, but I don’t think they tried to walk her through any life saving techniques. I don’t blame her for not knowing, and she was traumatized having just witnessed him go down. But I am trained in CPR. I pride myself on being calm in emergency situations. But I didn’t think to do the dog Heimlich. Not over the phone and not when I got there. That dog was my best friend for 16 years. 2 days earlier he was playing with my son, who was just grasping the concept of “the doggy”. I was sure he would have at least another year or two with him. Yes he was old, but he was healthy and active and seemed great. It feels like it should be a lesson learned and we’ll have to be more careful with him, but the permanence is weighing heavy on me. I keep expecting to see him walking around, following me from one room to the other and positioning himself between my son and the door… ever the protector. I replay all the times I could have gotten him instead of being caught up in laundry or some TV show. Cheeba asked for nothing and gave us so much. And I feel like I failed him. I could have done more. He might still be here.

    Any help or comments are appreciated as I try to make peace with what happened. Love on your pets while you can.

  54. On July 4th we lost our beloved Jack Russell, Buster. Buster was 15 years, 3 months old. Every year of Buster’s life we put him in the basement on July 4th so he wouldn’t have to deal with fireworks and the would be safe while we held our annual party. This year was no different even though he could no longer see or hear well, we felt it best to put him in the basement. Lately he had started an odd howl when he was somewhere he didn’t want to be. Several times I went in the house to get supplies and heard him. When the party was over, I went to check on him and bring him back upstairs. He wasn’t howling anymore and I though he had fallen asleep. When I went to the basement, I couldn’t find him. I looked everywhere, but couldn’t find him. For some reason I looked in the sump pump hole and there he was. He had fallen in and drowned. When I pulled him out, it was obvious he had died earlier in the evening. While we were celebrating, he was dying. I know he wouldn’t be with us much longer, but the last thing I wanted for him was to die alone and afraid. The guilt and grief is almost unbearable. We had debated taking him to the vet to have him put to sleep, but couldn’t bring ourselves to do it. I would have done it in a heart beat had I known how his life would end. The next day, I ordered a cover for the sump pump hole. It came and was installed today. We will never again have anything, living or not, fall in that hole. I know that his advanced age played a part in what happened. If he could have seen the hole he wouldn’t have fallen in and if he were stronger he could have gotten himself out. I feel like I failed him when he needed me most. If we ever decide to bring another four legged friend into our lives, when he or she gets to the point that they can no longer see, hear or has extremely limited mobility, I will take them to the vet and have them put to sleep in my arms where they will feel no pain and not have to die alone.

  55. While on vacation, my 7 year old German Shepard died. We got a call from our neighbors, crying.. they said they saw he wasn’t responding at the gate. We made this trip (to come back) before the 4th of July to avoid not being here for fireworks. Apparently this past Sunday, fireworks were going off from every direction and it scared him so bad he must of had a heart attack and passed away. We didn’t plan it to happen this way. We had planned to be here on the 3rd and be here so in case we needed to be here for him, we could be. I knew they startled him but I honestly thought he would be fine. I feel terrible for this happening. We didn’t know what to do or how to tell my baby girls.. we were devastated and it wasn’t a vacation at all but didn’t have it in us to tell my 6 year old because she was having such an amazing time.. meanwhile my husband and I were mourning when they weren’t watching. We came back and are still crying, can’t get over it, and feel so guilty for not being with him more, not loving on him more even though he bucked me off. Very sad… I still see him in all his favorite spots in our backyard.

  56. Dear baby girl Charming, 2 wks already since you left me but up to this time i cant help not to cry… maybe because i’m guilty of neglecting your check ups to the Vet, not bringing you to the Vet the same way i used to be when you were still a noisy puppy till 10 yrs old and my frocastination attitude, too. I felt guilty more when i brought you to the pet hospital before you died, i saw same age shitzu still healthy & lively while you became paralyzed front legs, acute kidney problem, cataract and the doctors confined you but called me, advice me to just spend your few days with me. My only consolation if u can call it like that… you died on my chest while i’m sitting & hugging you to easy whatever you undergoing in an aircondition room just like how i took you out of your hospital bed. I blame myself of not fully gave attention of you condition. i ran only when i saw you can’t get up already :,( Since your bread winner sister got married, your 12 yr old brother’s death 2 yrs ago, the death of our adopted big dog, taking care of 8 adopted cats, another adopted big dog in our garage, taking care of our small home business and it became just the two of us because your special & treated you & your brother like my young children staying inside the house, goin with me in our van, sleeping beside me (it left me no choice to sometimes do home remedies for the two of us specially when i’m really busy. i’m just thankful to the Lord above we had/have foods on our table. Thank you for staying with me 13 yrs of your life, you sticked with me through thick & thin… you gave me strengths , you gave me happiness, you accompanied me to my lonely life 🙁 now no one to share meats (you love your dog food with meats) in my menus because i’m eating just the vegetables. I pray & i wish you forgive Mama to her shortcomings! Loving you & i will never forget you my baby… run free to the rainbow bridge no more pains & no more teary eyes when sometimes i cannot take you with me in some places not allowing cuteness like you 🙂 now i don’t want to take care of cat or dog the same way i treated you like a real human baby 🙁 pls teach me how to forget the guilt i’m constatly feeling these past few days, weeks & making me really sad, i love you very much <3 sorry for crying real hard remembering all of these, hoping readers can understand my post.

  57. My heart goes out to all of you who have lost your beloved family members. I would just like to say for those of you who took your pets into the vet you have nothing to feel guilty about. You did what you were supposed to do. Even if the vet could’ve done more or didn’t know what was going on. You did your truly best. You can’t fault yourself on that. I would like to emphasize that spending a year paying off the vet bill would be more than worth it to have your little one next to you healthy and happy. Do what ever you can. Living with the guilt of knowing you could’ve done more is unbearable. Going without for yourself for a while is worth it. I remember a couple times during those last 2 months after I found out Snoop had a tumor on his spleen that maybe I could find a less expensive doctor and this huge cloud above me disappeared. There was hope again. I was happy and the money to fix him was irrelevant. Then the reality of all the surgery complications set in along with financial risks set in too. I wish I could’ve listened to myself and how I felt. I wish I could’ve realized that if I couldn’t do it for him I could at least do it for myself and given me peace at this moment in time right now. Some of it also was that we just lost Snoops best friend Max our chihuahua who died suddenly. We were afraid we would lose them both in the same month if surgery didn’t go well. Two months to the exact day Max died 4/23 Snoop was gone 6/23. There are people on Go Fund Me with the biggest hearts ever that could help you pay for a life saving surgery but I found out to late. You also have to realize too that without pet insurance there are times when you do have to just let go. If any pet has cancer or expensive treatments to survive you do have to know when to say when for your human family sake. Make the pet comfortable and spoil him or her in the time remaining.

    Spending $7000 or $10000 to save a beloved pet can be a huge financial risk and making your family suffer is not the right thing to do either. Again for all of you out there it would be a wise decision to spend the $50 a month for pet insurance and not have to worry about anything only what’s important, the pets happiness. God Bless!!!

  58. Dear Laurie, seems i didnt only need your hopeful and wise words last year. By a devastating conincidence- nearly a year after my beloved Amber sheep died of pneumonia (my fault) but a wee lamb given to me to look after this year has also lost her life in my care. She showed signs of bloat in the morning and i immediately treated it aggressively as i had done successfully with bloated lambs before. A few hours later i was talking to my friend about it and she started chewing the cud- we both agreed a sheep that chews the cud does not have much wrong with her. So i went (relieved) to work at the Cafe for 4 hours- returning to give her and her older “brother” their bottle of mill (every 4 hours). As i walked up the front garden my boy Dandilion came running up but little Bluebell just baah-ed pathetically from her lying spot near the house. My heart sank. From that moment on i spent every minute with her- continuing to treat her for bloat as i had done with other lambs, i rubbed her tum, and when she could sleep we lay curled up together. I half believed she would die (thinking by doing so she was more likely to prove me wrong and survive) The next day a vet visited the island and i got her to check my lamb- she said she didnt look so bad and to continue what i had been doing. 4 hours later and lamb was in dire pain and it was all i could do to hold her and comfort her. In the end my neighbour (the local policeman) and doctor turned up- seems in my desperation i had called 999 (911 in US) and the local emergency services all came to my “aid” but they could do nothing to save Bluebell and i had to accept there was nothing left to be done. I lay with her body for hours. The next day i could not get myself out of bed (other than to feed lamby and goat- both kept me company by my bed all day). I had to work the next day- people dont get pet bereavement do they? But coming home it was brought back to reality again- Bluebell wasnt there to run to greet me, to jump and prance and to paw at me to feed her, to jump on the sofa next to me and sleep the evening away, to jump on my bed til shed settle down to sleep for the night. I miss her presence so much- just as i was coming to terms with the loss of Amber. I am a terrible animal mom. i really dont deserve any of them in my life. 🙁

  59. In regards to the post after mine I had something interesting happen. The day after I put my beloved Snoop down I came home from Walmart and heard the tapping of little toe nails on the glass exterior door like he always did. The house was quiet and I went to the door and nothing was there. Maybe it was just wishfull thinking too. I dont know. I miss him so much.

  60. I had my baby for 3 years. He was an American bully and he always had respiratory issues. He lived in a crystal bubble, he had exercise intolerance, heat intolerance and he could not get too excited. If any of these things happened; it would become very difficult for him to breath. In order to better his life, my husband and I decided to perform an expensive surgery that would better his problem. That seemed to work, he could now play, but heat and exercise were out of the question. We recently moved to a new house three days ago, I left him in the house, but I did not turn the AC on, when I arrived home, he was dying. I took him in my arms and rushed him to the vet, but he died in my arms. I felt his last breath.

    Now I feel so guilty. I feel so depressed. He was my everything. I just want to die. I cannot stop thinking how excruciating his death was. I could have easily prevent it, but I did not. I am dead inside. I would give everything I have for my baby to come back to me.

  61. It has been almost 4 months since my Molly, a 1 year old yorkie, was killed by a car when I lost control of her leash when jogging with her (on the sidewalk). She ran to the road. Some days I am able to remember her and smile but most days her memory causes me pain and guilt. I was very emotionally attached to her and even called her “my baby” because I had her since she was very small. I was blessed to see her grow, train her and love her. She was very, very energetic and attached to me. I still dont know how to deal with the blame. I replay that day and imagine different outcomes and “what if’s” on my mind just to end up remembering the real ending to that story. I feel so responsible and guilty of her death. Some days I miss having a dog and even consider getting a one but then I remember that horrible day. I feel like I dont deserve to be happy with another dog when I wasnt able to prevent her death. This situation causes me panic attacks when crossing the street, driving and seeing someone else cross the street, especially with a dog. I am also 5 months pregnant and Molly’s death makes me so insecure of my own ability of keeping a child safe. People tell me to focus on my unborn baby but I cant shake the fear that I wont be able to take care of a baby when I wa not able to save my dog.

  62. Hi. My name is Tim. It is coming up on the
    One year anniversary of my dogs death
    His name is Mario’, he was a 10.5 years old.
    Shitzu , I miss him very much and I will see him again in heaven some day, along with all other pets I’ve lost. You see I am a Christian and I always believed our pets went to heaven to be with the Lord after their time was over here, but was never sure until an experience occurred 2 weeks after Mario’s passing and if you can stick with me I’ll explain.
    Mario had gotten sick last summer
    And I took him to the vet where they ran tests and xrays and ekgs and echos but labs came back ok, heart showed some heart disease and some lung disease too but vet said not to concerning. To make a long story short the vet never was concerned and felt he was never in grave danger the entire month and a half. I went to work one day and my daughter had to take Mario’ to the vet cause he had jumped off her bed and couldn’t put pressure on her front left paw. X-ray showed no broken bone and suspected soft tissue damage, he gave him a pain shot and more pain pills and said nothing else about her illness. When I got home that night from work Mario was laying down the whole time sleeping on and off.his heart was beating faster than normal but I know dogs hearts beat fast and with the pain it would be more. He saw me and I stayed with him petting him giving him water thru a syringe and he’d lick up ice cubes, he’d lick my face. I prayed to God with Mario’ that tomorrow I was going to take him to a new vet, if it was Gods will to take him to heaven I would live with that because I know ultimately all creatures belong to God , their just here temporarily with us. Mario even had gotten up and jumped onto the recliner which had given me false hope.My daughter got home from work around 11p and they both went to sleep on the floor in her room that night, however she woke us up around 5:30 am sobbing because Mario’ had passed away. I grief was strong but has gotten better but lately, I guess with the Anniversary coming up, I feel a guilt in my heart the past month asking myself why I didn’t consider taking him to an emergency vet clinic. Maybe something could’ve been done for him. He could possibly be here right now if I had. I’ll never know. I didn’t think he would really die that night, he went so fast, I thought we had more time, I just have to keep forgiving myself, I know Mario has. Like this article says, we’re not perfect, I did the best I could.
    When Mario was alive he had this distinct bark he used to get my attention. He could let out a small bark and I may keep on reading or watching TV or whatever but he had a bark that started off low would have a vibration in the middle and end in a yap. I’ve never heard another bark like it. When I’d hear it I’d look up and he’d cause I know he wanted my attention for something (water,food,go outside etc)
    I pray every morning to God for at least 7 minutes. I talk to him everyday cause he’s done so much for us and I believe you have to have a relationship with him before the day you die so when that day comes Jesus will escort you into his kingdom. 2 weeks after Mario’s death I prayed to God that I missed Mario Terribly and I asked him if I could have a dream with Mario or a vision even cause up to that point I had had no dreams with him.
    When my Mom had died 2 years before I had three dreams within 6 months that we’re so vivid and descriptive I was actually thinking
    they felt so real like we were really together.
    Night time came and I had forgot all about that request. I was in bed with insomnia turning right and left without trying to wake my wife up. Last I had looked it was 12:30am and I had to wake up at 5 for work.At this point I wasn’t even thinking about Mario, I was trying to think of nothing so I could fall asleep I had turned on my right side ( I’m a side sleeper) with my right ear down on the pillow being very still and clearing my mind when I heard something that sounded like a yap. It was very strange cause I could tell that the sound wasn’t coming from in the house or outside, but it sounded like it was from far far far away, like I was hearing it thru a tunnel or funnel and I heard it only thru my right ear which was smashed down on the pillow. So I didn’t move and listened closer and a few seconds later I heard Mario’s bark. It was the bark he used to get my attention. He sounded strong energetic. Nothing like the way he looked when I last saw him last. I could vision him happy and healthy where he was which had to be up in heaven. I don’t know if any of you ever been in a play ground as a child? And they would have those funnels that your friend could talk into and somewhere in another part of the playground was another funnel that you could hear that person talking and it would sound far far far away but very clearly you could hear your friend. I’m 54 years old and I remember those. That’s what it sounded like. I layed still for a long time waiting for more barks but that was all. I was totally awake at the time and I swear as I am a Christian this happened.
    The next morning during prayer time is when I remembered my request to see Mario’
    I realized then that God had answered my prayer he let me hear him and I could envision him from the sound. That event really helped comfort me and maybe God wanted me to talk about it with grieving owners who lost their pets so they know pets do go to heaven. I believe their waiting for us but until then their in a totally happy place and no matter the circumstances of their death they love us still unconditionally. Even though this happened I still miss Mario being here with me and have a hard time forgiving myself not doing more. I look forward to the day we’re reunited again and when I’m at a low point in my grief I think of that night and that bark and it strengthens me. I hope it strengthens you to If Mario’s there I’m sure all pets are there cause animals don’t sin, they go straight to heaven. When Angels sin their heading straight to hell but when humans sin we have a choice. Make the right choice. Peace and God be with you.

  63. I found out my beloved 8 year old teddy bear Yorkie Snoop had a large tumor on his spleen on April 27th sfter a checkup. The vet told us it would cost $2600 after i already spent $600 on xrays. I had the money in savings and just started a new job making almost 20% more than i was making before. I also just freed up $600 a month paying off a truck. At the same time they were talking about layoffs. My wife and i made the decision it was too much to spend. I was closer to Snoop and was torn. I made an appointment and cancelled. We chose to make him cormfortable. I spoiled him like crazy. Can food everyday snacks playing fetch everything. A month past and his belly got bigger. I callef up places in the meantime trying to find another way to save him. Looking up information all day long about spleenic mass. Pro and cons ect. It was major surgery and we were also affraid he might die before his time and spend his last days in pain. Affraid they mighr give him to much anethesia and not be Snoop anymore. June 19th came and he only ate half his food. I was getting worried . in desparation i called the vet and requested to speak to the doctor. She was out till friday it was Tuesday. Thursday came he wont eat anything. He only ate his beggin strips and by Friday he was done eating altogether. The vet called but didnt have much insight. Said schedule something for Monday. I slept with him thursday friday so he wouldnt be alone. He ate a little tablespoon maybe Saturday and was still wanting to play with his squeaky toy playing fetch. By saturday night he was still walking around but i knew it would not be long. I knew he would not make it another day so my wife and i took him to be end his pain and suffering. I was hard and my first time. I was with him when he passed as i held his head up and looked into his eyes telling him i loved him and would see him again someday. His body went limp and his breathing stopped his suffering was over. I was the hardest thing i ever done. It was Sunday June 23rd about 12:30 am. The vet believed it was a benign tumor with all the signs and could have saved him but chose not to. We noticed he was getting fat in November. He was eating like crazy too much. I didnt know April 27th it was a tumor instead. By June 23rd it was over. He was gone. In April it looked large on the xray but he was still full energy like had always been.

    My point to all of this dont let fear and greed stop you from saving your loved one. It wouldve set me back a little financially sure but he would still be hear. Dont let the fear of surgery stop you from saving your loved one. Now i look back and think i might have spent $3200 total saving and lose him on the operating table or at home a week later but at least i would have tried to save him irregardless. I feel awefull like i let him down being motivated by fear. Dont make this mistake do whatver you can. This little guy looked at me with those big brown happy eyes like a dad and showed me uncondition love like no other. He never growled, bite or hurt anyone he was awesome and didnt deserve this. Yet i still let my fears and selfishness motivate me.
    Beg borrow or steal and save your baby if you have to. If he had cancer it wouldve been different. He couldve lived another 5 years. I knew this day would come. Like knife cut straight through mt heart. I couldve done something a month ago but was to busy with other things. I did spend every moment i had with him during this time and spoiled him but that doesnt mean anything or give me any peace whatsoever at this moment. If there is any chance at all within reason of course dont mske the same mistake. Trust me this will tear your soul apart. Do right by your baby.

  64. Hi everyone my name is Anabel I’m reading all comments in tears i feel so sad my 11 years old Yorkie was my life my sweet Akira is not here anymore An I can’t stop blaming myself on Mother’s Day I went to my moms house and as I was walking out I looked at her and I said to myself she is a mother too I’m not gonna leave her alone in here and I decided to take her with me and that’s has been my worst decision ever I remember like it was yesterday she pee my grandma was like oh you are going to take her and I told her yes then she was trying to get in the front of car and couldn’t then I lift her in the back seat and drive to my moms I had my baby with me she is one and once I got there I totally forgot about her I feel so bad it was never my intention I cannot stop thinking about her and I try so hard not to blame myself and go back to that day that decision I’m not able to lie to people when they ask me because it’s not fair. And I always get back that I need to move on I was so good to her in life I even pay last year for her knee surgery $2500 I could not say no to anything she needed but why I was so dumb that day I feel so much pain in my heart that I think it will never ever go away. I think I’ll feel better day after day but I don’t i feel like I can’t because all I remember is that moment I realize I forgot her and she was laying there dead because of me and I keep thinking the bad moment she had I don’t know all she could think but whatever she is now I hope she understand and believe I did not do it on purpose I would give everything I have to take that moment back if only I could I missed everything about her my house feel so lonely I think of her since I wake up until I got to bed

  65. June 5 evening I saw my 7 weeks old Hanzo, Chihuahua. Lying strange and I suddenly felt different. I checked on him and he was barely breathing in whelping box. No idea what happened but I noticed that there’s a stuck solid poop. My Dad told me that he fed him in the afternoon a puppy food (soften by soaked) about 5-7 pieces. I took him immediately out of the box and tried to feed (Mondex glucose) then CPR to give him enough oxygen. Bringing to Vet – It was 8:30pm or 9pm and I remember the nearest Vet here is already closed by 8pm. “Plus on the back of my mind, I can’t afford the Vet at the moment since I lost my job a month ago. I have the money but that is saved for future days while jobless”. So I tried to revive him on my own knowing that time is running out. I kept on giving him CPR, giving glucose, also an egg.. As I thought he might be poisoned. I think it took me 2 hours and he’s finally breathing better than earlier. I kept my eyes on him, I was able to contact with our on messenger and he said it might be constipation. Sadly my Vet didn’t make to come home cause of our far location + the time. So I put him back on the box, covered with towel and lamp as suggested by Vet to prevent hypothermia. As I keep my eyes on him, I want to make sure he is breaking enough or will get enough oxygen. I cut a plastic drinking bottle, put his head then gave him air through my breath from time to time. Also Vet suggested to rub his stomach with some ointment, I did it and i know it help. I am worried about the dehydration so I’m giving him water from time to time, also i had a dilemma if I still need the lamp since it’s warm, not sure what to do but logically if he is dehydrated, things will just get worst if i will keep him under lamp. Dehydration, I know this should be done by a dextrose but then my case is worrying about the cost.. He seemed Okay until I kept on giving him drops of water with glucose to keep him hydrated. But I noticed it’s not helping, I am also aware that he might be drowning.. Vet seemed slept that time.. Seems there’s no way, I looked for other Vet through the Net, I know we are running out of time.. I don’t want to lose my puppy. The Dam is crying..puppy’s eye was unresponsive and crying.. by the time we’re about to leave and find other Vet. Holding my puppy, continuing my rub, giving him oxygen, Im fcking doing everything… I’m hearing his suffering and it’s breaking my heart. Whatever it takes I will take her to whoever Vet, but then suddenly he vomited so much liquid and gave his last breath.. I tried to revive him until I gave him up… The mother was crying, I feel like Im the worst, irresponsible owner in the world. I had a chance to bring her to other Vet when I first saw him lying strange and barely breathing but I didn’t. I can feel the Mom is griefing, she’s not eating, evening and I decided to walk her outside to cheer up. I am not sure if it’s a normal sniff while walking or she’s looking for her puppy which I buried already the morning he died… When we came home after the walk. She’s looking for her puppy, running around every corner.. I am feeling so guilty.. I really had the chance to save my puppy.. :'(

  66. Hello everyone!
    My name is Gopa and I lost my beloved dog Ria on Saturday 1st June at 1.45pm approximately, she was Hit and killed instantly by a racing car in a residential area, as I was waiting to leave I opened the front door and both dogs sat outside on my mums drive, as it was a very hot day, the car was too hot to pop them there so I left the car running with air-con, and told the girl to stay while I went inside to fetch my belongings, within minutes, I heard a big bang, thought nothing of it as there were builders everywhere working, then I heard a knock on the door, saying a car just hit my dog, I ran outside, and checked and one of my dogs had run out on the road and killed, the driver didn’t stop! if only I didn’t leave them outside, she would be alive now… the guilt is killing me, although we have stayed at my mum’s house and she was thought not to go on the road, she would pop outside herself for a pee and come back right in, she was very obedient, don’t know what had happened that day, why she ran on the road, She was truly an “Angel of God”, who came on earth to serve a purpose and be with our family, she thought me what true love is through patience, she was sensitive to others pain and would console and heal them with her soft warm touch. I welcomed her to our home with her twin sister Sia, an adorable Maltese… They grew up together, played together… Now her sister is so alone and misses her terribly, I am totally devasted, can’t stop crying, when I see her sister, I can’t bear her loneliness, she probably waits for her sister but doesn’t know she will never return in her physical form!

    1. I had to say goodbye to my 9 year old lab yesterday and I am completely heartbroken. He was in great health until yesterday morning when I noticed him panting and drooling a bit. I also noted that his belly looked a little swollen. I called the vet and made an appointment for 1:00. I left the house around 945 to take my son to a music class and when my husband got home around 1230 to pick up Brody and take him to his appointment, he found him dead in our closet. His belly was huge and looked like he had swallowed a basketball. I feel enormous guilt as I knew he was not well- he was following me around the house that morning and looked at me like he needed my help. I feel like I failed him. I didn’t even love on him at all because I was in a rush to get my son to his class. I had no idea the signs of GDV and that it is an emergency. I can’t stop replaying the day in my head. I am so sad that he died alone and likely in pain. I’m devastated.

      1. thank you for sharing this with me – i was looking after our grand-dog today and gave her a special bowl of food to help her chew as she was 16 years old she ate it down ravenously like she always does and seemed ok but then seem to be acting strange and walking funny and trying to eat grass but then when she came in and laid down she was panting and her stomach was swollen – my daughter came home and took her to the vet right away but she didnt make it – now i feel so guilty – why did i give her that food – why didnt i just visit with her first and feed her when my daughter came home – my grand kids are devastated and its all my fault – she was fine until i was with her – i will never forgive myself – i loved her so much and she spent so much time with my husband and i at camp and i always tried to do what was best for her and now i dont know why this happened to her – i am so devastated

  67. Hi my name is Joshua i’m from the Philippines

    It’s been three days since my beloved dog passed away. His name is “Edward” a half breed of Terrier and Shitzuh. He was only six years old and i’m completely devasted and guilty for his untimely death.

    On the morning of March 31, 2019 i woke up and found Edward vomited on the floor. I scolded him and clean the mess he just made.
    I began doing my usual choires but noticed Edward had vomited again i became a little worried. And check up on him every now then until i finished my choires.
    Edward’s condition became worst as he began to vomit blood and to my horror he is also pooping blood. I was alarmed and immediately gave Edward dextrose monohydrate on his water bowl. But he wouldn’t drink so i had to give him through the use of siringe. And made him alm/eggyolk just in case he don’t feel like eating.
    Since i am currently un-employed i had little fund to bring Edward to the Vet. I askmy father if he can lend me some money to rush Edward to the vet. But he wouldn’t let me and said let Edward go because Vet are costly and in the end he will also die.
    I had to do something before it’s too late so with little money on my pocket. Before lunch i brought Edward to the nearess vet to my place. And i did not bring him to the Vet to my trusted vet because his place was far and i’m afraid Edward would not make it.
    We finally arrived at this Vet the Doctors there seems uncaring and cold.
    They did a check up on Edward but did not give him IV fluid which is important because he is already dehydrated.
    After check they want Edward to be confine to the clinic. And since i’m financially broke i ask if there was another way for me to save Edward. The Doctor said he would give Edward some antibiotic and a prescription medication for week to be taken metrodazaxole and cotrimazaxole. The Doctor injected Edward with some antibiotic and thats it.

    I went home feeling a little relieved, little did i know that Edward was already in a critical condition. I thought Edward would make it, but when we came home thats when it happened. Edward is already lethargic and wasbreathing heavily.
    I brought Edward to the next room and sat beside him as his breathing began to slow and irregularly. I held his paws and pet him and cried and cried i was a wreck. I apologized to Edward for scolding him that morning. And thank him for the six years we had together.
    Edward looked at me as if he didn’t want to go yet. It made me miserable looking at him like that. With little ounce of strength in me i told Edward it was okay he can crossed the rainbow bridge i will be okay. Even ot of wasn’t true i don’t want him to go… And with that parting word Edward breathe his last breath and he was gone. I was so drained after that incident. I don’t know what to do without Edward he was always there for me. To cheer me up when i’m down and love me for who i am without judgement.
    I feel guilty it’s consuming me to the brink of ending my life
    the thought of what if i let Edward be confine in the clinic would he still be here? Thoughts of i let him down in his hour need. I am responsible for his sudden death.

    I am quite a loner and introvert and i had no other one to talk too who would understand what i feel. I’m so depressed it’s killing me that i will no longer see and feel the love Edward had given me.
    I miss him dearly, yesterday i wrote a letter to Edward apologizing for everything that happened and i wasn’t able to save him but it made me even more worst.

    Will i ever get over and move on with my life without feeling like this?

    1. Hello Joshua,

      I understand your feelings after Edward’s passing. I wrote on this site in January after our dog got hit by a car. I felt overwhelming guilt about it. I cried and cried for days. I didn’t think I’d get over it either. I still miss her and still feel terrible for all of it. However each day got a tiny bit better. Do try to talk to sympathetic people who also had dogs. That help a lot. Getting support from this site also helped me. Reading about others’ situations helped me put mine in perspective and see others as well. Your little Edward knew how much you loved him. You did the best you could at the time. Remember that and forgive yourself.


  68. I am so sad right now. My dog passed away this morning and I feel so angry at myself. We were away on vacation and two nights ago, he had loose bowels and did it on the hotel floor. I yelled at him and was so worried the hotel would charge us a fee.
    His diarrhea continued a few more times, and I
    Didn’t show any compassion, but I was fatigued
    And frustrated that he kept having diarrhea.
    The next day, his diarrhea became bloody along
    Vomiting and even still I softened a little, but with
    Little kids, and being away, I was completely
    Overwhelmed and didn’t give him the affection
    And attention he deserved. I’m so sick to my
    Stomach on how I treated him. I loved him deeply
    But I didn’t always show it in a gentle and
    Affectionate way like my husband did.
    He passed away this morning and I cannot stop
    Crying. I’m so sad. I’m angry at myself that In
    The last couple of days of his life, I didn’t make him comfortable and I wasn’t gentle with him but
    Firm and not compassionate. He didn’t deserve
    That. I didn’t mean to be that way. I was just
    Overwhelmed. Now he’s gone and the last few days of his life I added to his suffering instead of making him comfortable and feel comforted.

  69. Yesterday we put our 12-year-old Gordon Setter, Buddy to sleep. He was starting to have a lot of issues with his hind legs and wasn’t able to get up from the floor very well or at all sometimes. He started having issues with pottying inside. It wasn’t his fault, but getting him outside and down the stairs to the yard was getting harder and harder. I took him to the vet when he started having issues early on and we tried using some meds along with Cosequin, which seemed to help for a while, but he began lying around more and more not wanting to get up. That said, he was still playing with Patches, our Australian Cattle Dog, so he still seemed to show some signs of enjoying life. However, his ability to move in the last few weeks seemed to be declining and my fear was that he would get to a point where he was miserable, so I took him to the vet and we discussed options. She said that the issue in his hips was not so much arthitis, but also primarily some kind of bone disorder and there were meds we could give him, but after smelling his bad breath I told her about and hearing about how much water he drinks, she said his kidneys probably couldn’t handle the medication if it worked at all. I pondered the decision to have him put down now versus later hard and I decided I did not want to wait until he was completely miserable and I knew we would not have the funds to pay thousands of dollars for treatment if it came to that, so I decided to euthanize. I feel so bad and sad. I feel like he had no clue what was happening. I miss him so much and now I can’t look at or touch Patches without feeling guilty that he is gone. I do not believe I want to have pets again after this. it’s too hard. He was a gentle giant that will be missed by so many of us. I can’t stop crying at work, home, in the car. It just keeps coming and going. I have no idea if I can do the steps above honestly. I don’t see them helping me. My grief and guilt are so great right now. I’m considering finding Patches another home.

  70. Hi my name is Dana and I lost my best friend yesterday. His name was Roeland and he was a 10 year old pug who was the best thing to ever happen to me. Roeland and I had a bond from day one, he was mine and I was his. Anyone who met him instantly fell in love with his stubborn personality, his handsome little face and the way he could make you laugh with even one little grunt. I LOVED this dog more than you could love anything in your life and I feel so guilty about losing him, I feel like I failed him and he never once failed me. In 2016 Roeland got his first mast cell tumour and if anyone has experience with these they understand how awful they are. We brought him to the vet where he had surgery to remove his lump. All was good surgery went great lump was gone, but the thing about these tumours if you don’t get out the whole thing they come back. Fast forward another 2 years we had another one. We went back to the vet where they did another surgery on my boy, everything went good but we noticed another little lump while he was shaven and the vet said it was fine just watch it, we did. In February of this year the lump grew to a massive lump, which feels like it happened over night, we made an appointment right away and got it removed. The vet said that this time if it came back there is nothing to do but put him on a chemo drug. Sure enough before he was even fully heeled it came back. We brought him in and put him on the chemo drug and that did nothing. The mass grew more and more and started to bleed constantly and my poor dog was becoming more and more uncomfortable . I decided to go to a different vet for a second opinion, they told me to take him off the chemo drug because it was massively infected and frankly they believed with the size of it the drug would do nothing. She then got us an appointment with a specialized surgeon for these types of things. We made an appointment and got some awful news. We had 2 choices put him down or do a lump amputation which would be able to get the whole mass out of his body. After tons of research going back and forth I decided I wanted to fight for my boy, I needed him to fight, I needed him. We brought him in this past Monday and the surgery went great the mass was fully out my boy was going to be ok, I was on cloud 9. Over the next day everything changed, his body started shutting down on him but the vet said over the next night will be the test if he could make it. Wednesday morning we got the call and it didn’t look good, we rushed down (the drive was 2 hours away) and the vet called us when we were one exit away that he was gone. I didn’t even get to say goodbye. The guilt I feel is indescribable I keep thinking he was all alone and I wasn’t there l. Was he looking for me? Why didn’t I go the night before? Did I even make the right choice? Why didn’t I go to the surgeon right when it grew back? Would my Roeland still be here if I did things differently?
    I just hope he knows I love him so much and I’m sorry if I put him through too much. He was my whole world and I will never forget the endless love he provided me with everyday.

  71. Hello My name is Heidi.
    My dogs name was Diamond he was beautiful blue nose pitbull He passed away Saturday May 25th due to a heat stroke. I was not aware this can happend. I feel so much guilt inside me. My husband and I feel devastated and guilty. My husband had made sure he had enough water and food. we left to a family cookout and when we came back I told my husband check on diamond and bring him inside so he can eat again. My husband came inside immediately and told me diamond was dead and I told him he is probably asleep wake him up which I couldn’t believe it but at the same time I knew my husband wouldn’t joke with me like that. Diamond will hear us and gets up right away. I went and checked for my self and he was dead he had a heat stroke and he was allready stiffed my eyes couldn’t believe it. I’ve never seen a dog that way. I ask myself if he suffered? I ask myself why did I leave him outside? I ask myself if he thought about us asking himself where is my owners? My tears just can’t stop rolling down my face. My husband and I gave him so much love. We will spend lots of time outside with him . I never seen my husband cry this much. I’m so broken and I feel we are not worthy to have another Dog. I miss him so much the house feels so lonely so sad. People need to be aware dogs can have a heat stroke in matter of 10 mins . As a first time dog owner we love him so much but we were not aware how much damage the heat can do to your pet. It’s hard to forgive myself. Every pet is unique in their own way. 💔😢

    1. Heidi,
      I feel so much of your pain. We lost our precious beagle today to the same thing. I was watching my friends kids for her today so I had a total of 5 kids with me. I put bae outside with her water and food and we left to go swimming. Unfortunately, she tangled herself up in her and couldnt reach the water or food. She was alone for 4 hours. I thought she would appreciate being outside more than locked in her kennel for the time we were gone. She cant roam the house alone because she gets destructive. I feel sick, soo sick to my stomach. I’m angry at myself for not just having her inside. My daughter went to bring her in and just played on the ground with her and cried. I’m so ashamed of my choices.

  72. My name is Chad,
    I had to put my beloved 11 year old English Bulldog down 2 days ago. I’ve had him since he was 6 months old. I had made up my mind after the loss of my last pet 15 years ago that I’d never go through that again but then I laid eyes on Buster. He stole my heart from day 1. A couple years after I got him I went through a terrible divorce and Buster soon found his place as my “rock” everyday until I got through that. We were literally best friends. Moving ahead several years when he was about 8, he started having hip and back problems. We went through meds, pain killers, laser treatments etc for about 2.5 years. He had regular visits (weekly) at the vet. Well, about 3 weeks ago he quit eating and was having a hard time catching his breath. He also had green goop coming out of his nose and he was dry heaving. After another visit to the vet, we decided to try a probiotic to see if we could get him to eat. That didn’t work. He wouldn’t eat this either. So, after a couple of days of scrambling and trying to figure out what to do we decided to take X-rays of his face organs stomach. Evidently, a large mass had developed in his stomach pushing all his vital organs up into his heart. The mass was also attached to his spleen. The mass was so large it had tremendous pressure on the lower intestines as well. The dr and I talked about options which there were really only 2….have surgery on a 11 year old bulldog with a very slim chance to survive the operation or put him down. Also, IF he survived the surgery we were worried about him being able to walk after recovery. The decision was made that we couldn’t put him through that nor me. So I took him home for a few hours before we were gonna have him put down in order to spend some quality time with him before he goes. We go back to the vet at 5pm when this is supposed to take place and all of a sudden he takes a little food from my hand and tries to act happy. It was almost like he knew. So, a couple of nurses trimmed his arm fur and tried to stick an iv in. They spent 15 mins poking my dog while I’m sitting there crying my eyes out. Buster shakes loose and runs behind me. This is the tremendous quilt that I’m living big with. He was wanting me to protect him and I didn’t. I helped gather him up and let the dr stick the iv in the other leg. She said the blood vessels in the first leg they tried were already starting to decompose and that’s why they couldn’t get the needle in. I know they say to be with your dog the whole way but that was the hardest dang thing I’ve ever had to do. Needless, to say, I’ve cried all day for 3 days. I wished he had looked and acted sick when we went and I think that would’ve helped a little. Please tell me your thoughts. This was litterally my best friend in the whole world. I told her let’s wait until Tuesday (after the holiday) and she said that was fine but if that spleen bursts while I have him that would be a miserable death. I just believe I could’ve made him comfy for a couple more days just to say a formal goodbye. Thoughts please?

    1. Hi Chad,

      I’m so very sorry for your loss. Buster sounds like an amazing friend. I know you feel sad and guilty but Buster wouldn’t want you to be sad. It may seem like he wasn’t ready to go but I think him eating was to make you feel better. He knew it was what you wanted him to do. Also, did he ever sit still for the vet to poke him? Was this something he did and all pets do? They don’t want strangers messing with them. You made a beautiful and thoughtful choice for your beloved Buster. You are blessed because you were there when he took his final breaths. It hurts and the grief is unbelievable but the pain will be replaced with smiles. I lost my beloved Rudy a few weeks ago. He was 14 years old and I found him floating in my pool after being distracted. I never got to say goodbye and I wasn’t there for him. What comforts my husband and I is knowing we gave him a wonderful life that included travel, licks of coffee and a Dan of red wine every now and then. He loved us deeply and we will miss him. We also know Rudy hated when we were sad. I’m sure Buster is a lot like Rudy. It gets easier. Take care.

    2. I understand your pain. I have had dogs who were with me when I was in a coma. And my husband at the time divorce me. When it was time to Euthanize my dog Buttercup I did it being a vet tech I knew logically it was the best thing to do. But mentally it tore me apart. She was with me from my parting Days. To my marriage she was the only one who was aware when I truly had knowledge of my coma. She had been my best friend for 16 years.

  73. Hi my name is Sebastian
    English is not my main language.
    Two days ago my family an i were preparing for going to a party when my Dad opened the hous door to let our 11 year oldyorkie to go pee in the garden in front (we usually do this she knew were the house is and in 3 minutes she allways come back) then my dad was preparing our dog’s food when he finished he allways go outside and yells my dogs name when my dog started to coming back she started to run when mi neighbors car showed up and hit our dog in the head we could do nothing it was dead instantly my dad ran as soon as he saw he came through the door yelling “blue was killed, blue was killed” i remember being up stairs with my sister, my mom my brother and my sister started to run downstairs my dad leaved the dog in the hall everyone started crying so hard we couldn’t belived then my dad goes to the garden i came with him and he just starts crying ( i have never seen him like that) and starts saying “it was my fault” crying so much i felt heartbroken i hugged him and tell him no that it wasent his foult in 11 years of letting my dog out it was the first time it happened, now I feel like he is flaming himself but he is not telling anything, my dog always followed him everywhere my dog was always with him he was the person to feed she so i know he is the one who feels the worst, i just wanted to ask for some advice to wat to tell him so he starts feeling better.

    1. Also he strated sayin “if i didn’t let she out she wouldn’t have died or i him didn’t yeeled she she wouldn’t started runing” Everyone feels so bad but i can’t stop asking me what is going through his head I just want to help him.

    2. Hi Sebastian,

      So sorry for your family’s loss. I know how difficult it is to lose a beloved Yorkie, mine was the most loyal and loving friend I’ve ever had. I also understand the guilt of losing a pet when you feel you let them down. My 14yr old Yorkie, Rudy, somehow got outside a few weeks ago, and I guess drowned in the pool. That’s where I found him floating after realizing he had gone outside ((I had left the back open). Rudy loved to swim when he was younger and sometimes jumped in. Unfortunately, once he was in he couldn’t get out. It’s human nature to ask “why” and blame ourselves for not protecting them. The only thing that has helped me is remembering how loving Rudy was when I was sad. He hated when I was sad and knew it instinctively. I know he forgives me and wouldn’t want me to be sad. He had a great life and I’ll se him again on the other side. Think of the good memories when you think of your beloved Yorkie. Take care.

    3. Hey sebastien
      It could have been anyone who let your blue out. That’s what you tell your Dad. He was doing only what you and your family have been doing for your dog and that is not his fault. Let him know you dont blame him, let him know you forgive him and let him get over this ordeal in time.

  74. Hardest decision and hardest day of my life. I Euthanized my sweet boy yesterday. He was the gentlest sweetest dog I ever had. He was a small Rat Terrier. The vet called him the sweetest gentlest dog who never complained. My boy about 8 months ago was diagnosed with Cushings disease, a short while later thyroid issues. So we put him on thyroid meds. A few months later we added diabetic dog food and insulin 2X a day. His belly kept getting bigger and bigger and he peed more and more. He became dehydrated, lost weight, his front legs on the elbows became raw as all he did was lay on the tile floor as it was cooler, drink a gallon of water a day, pee every hour and eat. He got sick again last week a bacterial infection and pancreatitis. More meds. He just continued to deteriorate. He lost muscle mass and his little legs would tremor. I knew it was time. The day we went into the vet he was acting like a happy dog and wagging his nub. I knew it would be short lived and went ahead with the euthanasia. I know in my heart I did the right thing. I stayed with him loving him the entire time. I just have mixed feelings of knowing I did the right thing for him & guilt my dog trusted me and I killed him. I can’t get the vision out of my head of the pic in his little leg, the med going into his vein to relax him & then the final med to take his life. My emotions are all over the place. I am having him cremated and will pick his remains up. I believe time will heal my heart & my memories will turn from sad times to happy times but right now my heart is broken.

    1. I’m so sorry for your loss. You acted out of compassion and love for your rattie. Many dogs have a second wind before being euthanized, I think it’s their way of making sure we remember them happy, but you have to consciously replace the sad images with the happy ones. If you’d like, join the Facebook group For The Love of Rat Terriers. They helped me when I lost Zoe.

  75. Feeling absolutely horrible. I stopped home to let my 10 year old Springer and my 8 month old French Bulldog outside to pea then went in the house to heat up my lunch. When I came back out they were gone. We’ve looked for days and no luck. I have 3 small kids and I have broken all of their hearts along with my wife. The area I live is very rural and its not like my Springer to not come home. This is pretty close to the worst I’ve ever felt and I’m not sure my family will ever be the same. This is all my fault as I should have watched them. It makes it even tougher knowing that I’ll never know what happened to them (someone picked them up? got lost and eaten by Timberwolves?) I’m really hoping someone can give me some advice on how to cope with this as it hurts so bad seeing my family like this and knowing that its all because of me.


    1. Mike,

      So sorry for your family’s loss. The worst part about dealing with grief of losing a pet is not knowing what happened. A few weeks ago I lost track of my 14 year old Yorkie while dealing with contractors in my house. When I started looking for him, I found in floating in the pool. I did my best to resuscitate him but he was gone. My overwhelming guilt and my husband’s heartbreak and initial anger were very painful. I want to know what happened so bad. Did he slip and fall in and looked for me and I didn’t come? Did he have a heart attack or stroke and die just before falling in? We want to know what could’ve been done to save him but there are no answers and there never will be.

      What has helped us some is telling ourselves Rudy wouldn’t have wanted us to be sad. We didn’t want him to die and he knows that. He loved us unconditionally and always forgave us even when we yelled at him or left him behind instead of taking him in the car with us (which he loved). Try to remember that many people love dogs too. Don’t think the worse. There’s a good chance yours were picked up by someone and living the life of Riley right now. Either way, what a great dad you were to go home and let them out. Losing a loved one is never easy but the pain will be replaced by smiles and memories.

      1. I decided to euthanize my dog. He was absolutely the most loving dog I ever had and my heart is absolutely breaking. He was only 7 years 8 months 3 weeks Nd 1 day young. He had been bitten in the head as a 4 week old puppy. Although the vets wanted to put him down I got him help and he survived. Not without complications though. He had some brain damage and at about 8 months old he started having seizures. At first they were very far between but then about a year and a half ago he had a very violent series of four seizures. He was still on phenabarbitol. We then added potassium bromide to his seizures as he bled from the ears and nose for weeks after that one. He was having quite regular cluster seizures that ranged in frequency from ten days to 24 or 28 days. This last set of seizures were 23 days apart. But he started Monday morning at 2 a.m. by Tuesday afternoon he had almost 10 seizures and went completely blind and suffered paralysis in his back end. This lasted over 4 hours so I called the vet to have him co e yo my ho.e and euthanize my dog. I honestly didn’t think he could recover from this blindness and paralysis and it was so heart wrenching to watch him seize for so long. He did stop seizing g for the last hour or so and I fed him a bunch of treats out of the fridge and a big bowl of his dog food just before the vet euthanized him in our home. I have been researching g on the I tenet and it says he might have been able to recover from the seizures and I feel like I might have acted to hastily and should have waited for a couple of days to see if he would have recovered. He was such a special dog to me and he touched a place in my heart that no other dog will every be able to touch. I just cant quit crying and cant stop beating g myself up about the possibility that I might have acted to hastily!! I honestly thought I was stopping the dog from suffering g as he was so sad and so scared!!

  76. We just lost our 9 year-old teacup poodle. He had had breathing issues all his life but we had consulted a vet on them and they just ended up being part and parcel of his existence. Sunday night, he was breathing oddly and making sort of a forward motion. It was odd but it didn’t seem like an emergency, so we thought it was just one of his weird breathing things that he gets over. My husband says that he had one similar to this before and came out of it seemingly fine. We never let him on the couch with us but that night we did so he would feel safe and warm with his daddies. My husband admits he was reluctant to take him right into the animal hospital if he didn’t seem to be in crisis due to the crazy expensive bill and that’s something he can’t forgive himself for.

    We talked to him throughout the night, he even enjoyed a tiny bit of treat and wanted more. We thought he would just come out of it like before. I stayed up with him for awhile after my husband went to bed. I read while he burrowed under my thigh like he loved to do. I wanted to make sure he was ok so I brought him into bed with us which we stopped doing years ago so he’d keep feeling safe. I petted him and reassured him softly and drifted off.

    Five hours later, I woke suddenly and our bedroom felt cold. I remembered – “Cooper?” – and in the dark, felt around for him. I finally found him. He was cold. He was dead.

    It was like being a horror movie. We struggled to get Google to turn on our lights so we could figure out what was doing on. We were both screaming in grief and denial. I put my fist through the drywall because I kept thinking YOU KILLED HIM YOU LET HIM DIE HE WAS PROBABLY IN PAIN AND YOU LET HIM DIE YOU KILLED HIM.

    My husband cradled him to his big barrel chest and wept over him. He was limp with his eyes open and his little tongue sticking out and my husband can’t get the image out of his head. We finally laid him down on an ottoman and just screamed and cried. And part of me was like you are a grown man and you are wailing over this dog like it was your kid. And that was the very first time I actually really understood that that was who he was. Our baby. My husband’s always been the dog daddy, I’ve always said I’m just a dog owner. And rolled my eyes at what I thought was overmothering of Cooper. This truth is that I was a parent all along.

    We eventually wrapped his body in his favorite blanket and put him in a box..and I carried him to the car to take to the vet to figure out what to do, talking softly to him and telling him it was going to be alright and how much we loved him and I’m crying as I type this.

    My husband keeps seeing his dead body. I keep thinking that he must have been like why aren’t my daddies helping me? Don’t they see I’m in trouble and pain? My heart breaks and I want to die when I think that he might have been so scared at the end.

    I’ve never felt so bad in my life. It’s on par with when I lost my dad at a young age. There is such guilt, and sorrow, and I just want him back in my arms so I can hold him and tell him that we didn’t know and how much we love him.

    1. Hi jay , I know exactly how you are feeling I just lost my baby boxer not so long ago by a horrible accident ! Just know accidents happen, we are human and we don’t know it all nor can we do it all , only you guys know how much you loved your puppy and he knew it too, when dealing with my grief I came accross a blog that said “ If you hiked to the tallest mountain and your dog accidentally jumped on you , and you fell and died , would you forgive him ? He knows you didn’t do it intentionally and chances are he would of forgave you too. Hope you fee better much love -jess

  77. We are totally heartbroken and I am feeling tremendous guilt over the death of my 14 yr old Yorkie, Rudy. I found him floating in our backyard pool Wednesday afternoon and cannot get that image out of my head. I had held him almost all day since workers at my house had the door open and he liked to wander. The moment I put him down, I got distracted with the workers and loss track of him. I had an emotional breakdown when I found him and screamed so loud and much neighbors called neighborhood security.

    My husband is also devastated and was initially very angry with me. Later that night, he apologized for his reaction but we both keep crying. Rudy has just had cancer surgery in February and was doing so much better. I feel horrible that he died alone in a swimming pool. I have been looking at pictures of him (I have many) to get the image of his limp body out of my head but it keeps coming back. My heart is broken.

  78. Nickolas DiDonato

    This story just breaks my heart, I am so sorry for your loss, I truly know how horrible the pain is, I promise you I will be praying for you tonight, I hope you do not blame yourself, please do not do that, this was definitely not your fault, every time you begin to blame yourself think of this letter I am writing to you and remember it ,,” THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT ”
    May God Bless you and be with you Always.

    Love Always
    Nickolas DiDonato

  79. Denise Martinez

    I am feeling so guilty because my dog wanted out and barked for a long time until I yelled at him. He walked away without hope I’m afraid. He did have a good life and I contributed to that. He died last month and I can’t get through the guilt. I feel so bad that I neglected his wish of going out.

  80. I lost my dog last April 27th, he’s just 6 months old. He was not lively for 2 days and we thought it just because of the heat. He has loss of appetite that time. Then on the 3rd day, he suddenly vomited blood and I took his temp. it was 40°C, the vet was already closed because it was 6pm when I checked him. I wiped his ears and paws to keep him cool. I even fed him by syringe. I decided to take him to the vet at the morning. Unfortunately, he died past midnight.
    I was busy doing errands, and I figured I should have paid more attention to him. I should have taken him to the vet as soon as he was not feeling well.
    Till now I still feel sorry for his lost.

  81. I just lost my dog this past Sunday on Easter (4/21/19). I had separated and divorced from my ex 2.5 years ago. I got custody of her, but she couldn’t come live with me as I had to move back home with my mom. She didn’t let me bring her. So, she stayed with my ex until last summer when I was able to bring her to a friend’s house. My ex had a girlfriend that was treating my dog badly, so I got her out of there. So, she stayed with a friend. Unfortunately, she had to be tied up outside, but she was on one of those trolley lines, so she could still roam around, but she was 12.5 years old, so she didn’t roam much. She also had bladder and bowel problems and would pee every 15 minutes or so. On Easter morning my friend texted me telling me he thinks I need to take her to the hospital because she’s breathing funny. She had Cushing disease and had lost muscle in her hind end which caused problems walking, and had been breathing heavily already. I just had her at the vet on 4/4/19 and they just said it’s normal for older dogs to breathe heavy. I also told them that my main goal was just to keep her happy and comfortable. So, they gave me this medicine to try, but she also had elevated liver and kidney levels, so we had to be careful. Well, I should’ve listened to my friend about taking her to the hospital sooner. Unfortunately, I got there to pick her up and drive her to the hospital. Within minutes they said she had laryngeal paralysis, then a few minutes later they told me she took her last breath. She was a 12.5 year old boxer mix (possibly with lab or border collie or German shorthair pointer-maybe even beagle). She was old, but could’ve lived longer, however, I was asked if they wanted me to resuscitate her. I told them “no” because it seemed like she was becoming miserable in her old age. I’m also currently unemployed and don’t have much money. It just seemed like letting her go peacefully was best, but now I’m seeing online about how laryngeal paralysis is fixable. Now, I’m thinking I should’ve tried resuscitation. I should’ve at least tried. I feel like I should’ve listened to my friend sooner. She didn’t have to die, but I was afraid what her life might be like if I would’ve kept her alive. I keep reminding myself that at least she got to go of natural causes. I feel guilty because she was only 12.5 years old and she could’ve lived longer. I wanted her to live til 15 or so. She really was the best dog ever. She was lovable, playful, friendly to everyone yet big enough to scare people (50 lbs), and she loved going on walks and listened to the birds outside. I’m now hating myself because I feel like I just let her die. I didn’t know the condition was treatable. I wasn’t even aware of the condition as my vet just kept saying it was normal. I feel like I cut her life short. She was so friendly to everybody and was a great snuggler. I turned to her during my marriage as I wasn’t treated very well. She was my best and only friend. I should’ve given her the chance to live longer. I just wasn’t sure because of her other health issues. She still seemed like a cheerful dog though. Other than those issues she was fine. I feel like I let her down. She should’ve been able to live to 15. I’m now doubting if what I did was right. I seriously slept with this dog in my bed throughout my marriage. I feel like I just gave her up. I should’ve had them resuscitate. I didn’t want her to die. 😭 When I separated from my ex I had literally told her I’m leaving him and not her. I told her she’s still my fur baby no matter what and that I’ll be with her until the end. I told her I wasn’t giving her up. Leaving my marriage was very difficult and leaving her there made it harder. I’m now going to bring her ashes with me. It’s not what I imagined. 😭

    1. Hi Kari. Your dog was 12.5 years old and had health issues. Your dog could have been suffering more than you realized, especially since the dog did not live with you. Would your fur baby have live longer had you sought medical attention? Perhaps, but we will never know and maybe it was just your ddoggie’s time to go. From what I have read from others who have lost pets, and based upon my own expetience, vetrinarian doctors, like human doctors don’t always know everything. The heavy breathing your dog was making may have been normal but maybe there was an undiagnosed medical conditon too. If you had resuscitated your dog, you may have only prolonged his suffering. (Dogs can look happy and still suffer).
      You wanted what was best for your dog and I am confident you made the right choice given the fact your dog had health issues and you have limited finances. If you resusitated your dog, you may have only had to euthanize. him a week or two later. I don’t think resucitation is an easy procedure. I know it isn’t for people and that is why some chronically ill people get a D.N.R. (Don not resuscitate) doctor’s order because their health is frail and they dont want any herorics to resuscitate them. It is really quite hard on a frail person to be resucitated. I would imagine it would be the same for an eldetly dog with health problems. Thinkl.of. all the love and kindness you gave your dog and dismiss any negative thoughts. Be gentle on yourself. Edna

  82. My baby girl, Koda, was only 5 when she died. Shes was my best friend. The only problem with her health was some type of sore producing allergy, or atleast that’s what the vet was dialing it down to after our constant visits together. It would make her scratch and scratch until the sores would bleed. Every night I’d spend about an hour it seemed rubbing her so she feel better. I used to leave her in the house all the time and I tried everything to potty train her but she was stubborn. I turned to an alternate solution and bought her an outside kennel, 10ft in length, 10 ft in width, and 6 ft tall. Shes been staying in this kennel for about a year now and was only in this kennel when I was not home, if I was inside my house, so was she. Whenever she was in the kennel she always tried getting out. I’d come home and shes out of the kennel waiting on me and I would always cover the dig-hole up, or put wood up around the edges so she couldn’t squeeze through the kennel gates. This time she chose to bite at the gate, and squeeze the gates pieces together until they break and then do it again the the pieces right beside it until there was a hole for her to climb out of. She made this hole about 2 foot from the ground and pushed her head and her front paws out and then I’m sure she tried using her back paws to climb up and then she got stuck, upside down, hanging from her stomach out of this hole she made in the fence. My baby girl suffocated to death and when I showed up it was too late. I held her upright and all I could do was yell and cry at the top of my lungs NO and WHY. I pried the fence back and pulled her out and held her forever. It seems so unreal that shes gone. The worst part is that I was so tired that morning that I messed up bad in my morning routine. I always put a pitcher of water in front of the door along with a cup of food, and I take it to them when I leave out the door. I forgot the water that morning and I keep telling myself that my baby just wanted some water. Shes so good and pure that idk how to bear it. She deserved so much better and I should’ve just let her stay in the house.

    1. I gave her a proper burial and service behind my house and I’ve also planted an apple tree beside her that I will care for forever. I used clay to keep a footprint of the last footprint she has on this earth. I kept her collar. I’m getting pictures framed and I’m making everything I can right. I love her so much and I hope to see her again in heaven.

  83. My 10 month old pit Rosie passed away just 4 days ago from parvo and I am completely devastated. My next door neighbor got Rosie when she was just 6 weeks old and when I first saw her I automatically fell in love with her. Throughout the next couple of months I would go play with her and give her treats when I saw her outside. As the months went by I noticed she wasn’t outside as much and it worried me so I decided to go talk to my next door neighbor. My neighbor told me that Rosie was just too much and she’s had been keeping her locked up on the back porch because she couldn’t handle her. She said she was just going to open the door and let her go because she couldn’t deal with her. Hearing this devastated me and I begged her to not do that and to let me keep her until she figured out what she wanted to do. She said she would think about it and let me know. The next day I came home from work and I saw Rosie running around the neighborhood so I decided to try to get her to come with me…and she did eventually. That night when the next door neighbor came home I told her that I had Rosie and she didn’t even seem to notice that she was gone or care. I asked her if I could keep her for the night and she said I could. The next day she had her 10 year old son come over and tell me that they didn’t want her anymore and that I could have her. I was beyond happy but also a little concerned because she was a pit and I already had a schnauzer and wasn’t sure how the two would interact. My fears were dismissed very quickly when I introduced the two and they fell in love with each other. This sweet sweet baby girl was 8 months old and had never really lived. She had never heard a tv or seen a mirror and was really skittish and jumped at every little sound. Seeing this completely broke my heart for this sweet baby. She had been locked up on that back porch for so long and never got to experience life. I had her for little over a month before she came down sick. During that time she got to experience life and what love is. She would go every where with me and was glued to my side. She loved to go play outside with her new acquired bubba and especially loved playing ball. She found a new love for beds and would sleep with me every night and wake me up with morning kisses. She would be staring out the window every time I come home from work and greet me at the door tail wagging. She was just the sweetest baby girl, ever. She came down sick on Monday and by Friday she was gone. She got parvo because she hadn’t been vaccinated. I regret so very very much that I didn’t take her to the vet in time. I kept telling myself that I would take her to get her shots but I never did. When she first came down sick I just thought she ate something that didn’t settle well (because she was always trying to chew on something) and that she would be okay. Monday she was lethargic and just laid around with her bubba all day. Tuesday she started vomiting and I saw she had threw up a piece of a corn cob. Seeing that just confirmed what I thought was wrong and just assumed she would start to feel better soon. Wednesday I woke up to her vomiting and bloody diarrhea and that’s when I started to really freak out. I called around to different vets to see if they could see her and what they thought was wrong and that’s when they all told me it sounded like parvo. They told me they couldn’t check her out unless I had $250. I didn’t get paid til Friday and had no way to take her to be seen. I don’t know why I didn’t suspect parvo sooner because my schnauzer had parvo when he was a puppy (he is 6 now) and had all the signs that she was showing. I knew exactly what I needed to do for my sweet Rosie so I stayed up with her all day and night Wednesday and Thursday trying to keep her hydrated and just loving on her. I talked to her and begged her to just hang on til Friday and we would get her more help. She looked at me like she understood and I could tell she was fighting so hard. She went outside for the last time Thursday with her bubba. I could tell she was really tired but she loved going outside with him. I stayed outside with them and just watched her bask in the sun for about an hour just praying she would make it. I don’t know if I was in denial or what but I had high hopes she could beat this since I had been trying to keep her hydrated. When it was time to come inside she was too weak to get up so I had to pick up my sweet baby girl and carrying her back in. I laid her on my bed and raised the blinds so she could see outside and laid there with her the rest of the day just loving on her. Thursday night was the absolute worst night of my life. She started having muscle spasms and losing function of her legs. She couldn’t get comfortable and would just stare at the wall. I continued to hug her real tight and love on her but I could tell in her eyes she was tired of fighting. I laid beside her and started crying begging her to hang on just a couple of more hours until the vet opened. I laid there for about an hour with her until I had to go to the bathroom. When I came back she was on the floor and had vomited and pooped herself. In that moment I knew she was about to die so I grabbed her up in my arms and rubbed her head and kissed on her and told her how great of a dog she was and if she couldn’t make it til the morning then that was okay and she was such a good good baby girl and did so great. At 330am on Good Friday, not even 2 minutes after I said that, my sweet baby took her last breath in my arms. It was absolutely the most horrific thing I had ever witness and been through. After she died I just laid there with her on the floor for hours just crying and wondering how this was even possible. Just a couple of days ago this sweet beautiful energetic puppy was playing ball outside, waking me up with kisses and just living life and now here I was on the floor holding her lifeless body. I feel like maybe if I wouldn’t had taken her in then she would still be alive today. If I would had taken her to the vet and got her vaccinations then she would still be alive. I wish I would have started hydrating her sooner and not thinking it was something else. I wish I would have had the money to take her to the vet Monday the first day I noticed something was wrong. I wonder if she was thinking why isn’t she helping me as I held her in my arms as she was dying. I have so many what ifs and should haves. I wish I would had done so many things different. I just feel so bad that I promised her a good long life and then ended up dying. She was still a puppy and learning what life is all about. It just seems so unfair and I feel so guilty. I wonder if she knows I love her with every ounce of me? I only had her a little over a month but she had been somewhat a part of my life since she was a puppy puppy and I loved her more than anything. She brought me joy that I didn’t even know until now. We connected on a much deeper level than I have ever experience with an animal before and we just got each other. Our bond was unbreakable. I love that little girl and had so many plans for the future and now it’s nothing. Her bubba misses her something crazy and our house doesn’t feel like a home anymore without her. I can’t stop crying and feeling like I could have saved her. I could have saved her and she would still be here with me right now. I keep on thinking I’m gonna wake up from this very bad dream. Please tell me it gets better?

  84. I lost my beloved girl Zayla of 8 years. She was my best friend. She never left my side unless i was at work. She went most everywhere with me. We would ride together with the top down and enjoy the wind. We would cuddle at night her close to my neck like a scarf. I was coming home after a days outing and she bolted out of my garage and ran down my driveway as she typically did with the other two dogs. I briefly stopped and the dogs went to the passenger side. Somehow she got toclose and i hit her. I dont know how or what happened. She passed in minutes with her family beside her in the garage. Her loss is unbearable and the what ifs never stop. I should have not moved the car. She is gone now and there is nothing i can do to change this. I miss her so much. I find myself seeing her ball. Her collar. I cry. The tears never stop. I know i just need time but the pain is horrible. I love you so much my girl. Fly free and we will meet again one day.

  85. My dog was 9. He was with some member of our family 24/7 every day of his life. Very rarely was he ever alone. About 4 months ago his world changed as he was having to be kept alone longer. My parents weren’t around, I wasn’t home due to work and overtime, brother spending time with his family and new son. My dog kept sleeping longer and them the snows started. I would come home with just enough energy to put his food and then my own and sleep. He started to slip on the stairs. No matter how much de-icer I used to shoveled the stairs. He slipped 3 times and then I believe psychologically became scared to go down or the arthritis was too much. 2 months ago he started having incontinence in the house and no matter how many pads I put down he would go. I would get angry sometimes because I would clean it and yet he wouldn’t go outside down the stairs and do it again. Finally I realized it wasn’t his fault. I started being happy and putting on a happy face for him. Not pretending I was stressed. Overtime was finally letting up. I wanted him checked out by the vet. He came back from the vet full of anxiety and breathing bad but he recovered. They gave us some anti anxiety medication for the next day. We gave it and he was taken to vet by my brother. I had his pads and water ready for when he would return. 2 minutes from our house he collapsed in car as he was breathing pretty horrible. He rushed home and I jumped in but he passed on way to a closer vet. I feel tremendous guilt in that why was I angry at my senior dog and his arthritis issues. Why did I not feed him better to offset any weight gain. Why was I too busy with tv or smartphone to play more and keep him happy while parents away. He died overweight and depressed the last 4 months. Why did I not go with him to vet to reassure. Why didn’t we pick a closer vet so that he would have relaxed on bed and not in traffic. Why didn’t the vet sedate or give him oxygen as they knew he was freaking out and had trouble breathing like before. Why did we even take him to vet. His blood was fine, no cancer or tumors or cysts. He just had elevated liver enzymes due to overweight and poor food. I would give anything to have my best friend back. It is not getting easier. He still had time. I wish I knew CPR better. Maybe if my brother didn’t panic and come home he could’ve gone straight to vet and save precious unconscious minutes. Vet didn’t intubate either. Just put oxygen mask on face. A dog that isn’t breathing cannot willingly suck the air. I regret so much. I wish I will see him again just to apologize for the end.

    1. I was a depressed soul roaming through life till Boxer came into my life , the most beautiful boxer pit mix , he was full of energy , so happy , having him around gave me a sense of security and my anxiety wasn’t taking a toll on my daily life anymore . Taking boxer out in the morning was always my brothers duty, on 3/24 while i was at work I got a call saying my 1 year 2 month old dog had been in a serious accident , I rushed home just to find out he had been put to sleep already, my brother had taken him out for a walk and his collar broke lose and he ran into incoming traffic , days before I had noticed his collar was becoming loose but i was to focused on my own issues, i can’t forgive my self , i feel so alone , so mad ,So hopeless .

      1. Hey Jess. I live alone. I adopted a puppy one year ago, she was deserted in a trash bin somewhere and I saw a post on facebook that someone had saved her and were looking for someone to adopt her. I had already lost my first dog to an illness (I had her for 5 years)- and I was still in terrible pain. But it broke my heart thinking about this new small puppy, homeless. I took her in. And I loved her. But I wasn’t always a good mom- I was selfish. Work, relationships, different aspects of my life were prioritized over her- regrettably.
        Two days ago my now 1-year old companion was killed by a driving car. I had tied her out in my back yard in order to clean the house- my puppy had fleas and I had just found out. So after I cleaned her, I took her out to sterilize the house. In just 15 minutes time, as I was cleaning, she managed to free herself from her collar and she ran loose to the street. A passing car hit her. I was still cleaning, in ignorance. Suddenly a woman knocked on my door and asked me if the dog that had just died was mine. I immediately replied no, thinking my dog was safe and sound in my back yard. She asked if my dog was a small brown puppy. I said yes and suddenly realized that I hadn’t heard my dog’s bark before the girl knocked on my door- which was strange because she always gave me a “warning” that someone was coming to my house. I ran at the yard and saw her colar right wher I had tied her. No puppy. I fell on the floor screaming “where is she”. The woman told me that a neighbour took my dead dog and threw her in the trash. I went to the trash bin,crying- I took her out of it, covered in blood. I took her at the forest and buried her there. I am still in shock. I feel real guilt for not always taking care of her needs as much as I could. And I feel guilty that I tied her outside to clean the house, without making 100% sure that the collar was tight enough. If I did, she would still be alive. But let me ask you a question. Did I want her to run away and get hit by a car? No. Did I want her to die? No. Did she die directly because of me? No. Not even the man who was driving the car is responsible for my puppy’s death!! Did he know he was gonna hit her? Did he want to kill my puppy? No!! Was my puppy’s fault that she died? No! She didn’t know she was in danger. Neither did I, neither did the driver of the car. None of us wanted her to die!! It was an ACCIDENT. (The same is true for you, your brother, Boxer, and the car/cars that hit Boxer. None of you wanted this accident to happen, none of you is “at fault”). The truth is, dogs are alive beings with personalities of their own. My puppy was very active, she never stood still. I couldn’t control her urges to run loose. Was it my responsibility to keep her safe? YES. Her death was an accident that I didn’t predict. Could I have done things differently? Yes. Would I change it if I could? Yes. But that doesn’t mean that I am a bad person, or that I didn’t love her more than words can describe. I am sure the same is true for you. We will not be able to forgive ourselves easily. But we will, in time. Personally, I will not get another dog anytime soon, because my beloved pet’s death taught me something- I am not mature enough to be responsible for a puppy’ s life. But that’s me. Her death was a result of bad luck AND my bad choice, my absent-mindedness, my carelessness. I should have kept her safe. I thought I did. It’s obvious I didn’t. My mistake cost her, her life. And I will use this pain, this guilt, to always remember that being responsible for another living being is a 24/7 job. It’s hard work.
        Dogs don’t exist to make us happy, to cure us of our loneliness etc. My dog wasn’t alive to make me happy. She was a living being, with a personality, a life of her own. I was the one who was supposed to always try and make her happy, take care of her, keep her safe. I didn’t realize that until it was too late. Never again will I make the same mistake.
        But I digress. My point is: it’s not your “fault” that Boxer died. You would turn back time and save him if you could. You have to accept the part you played in his death, the part where you didn’t act responsibly enough. But this doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t mean you didn’t love him. It just means that you are human. Like me. Dogs are better than humans in a way. They just love us unconditionally, they idolize us, we are their constant priority, their god.
        Our dogs were better than us. They always are. It’s not easy being a dog-parent. It’s hard work. It requires a lot of maturity and responsibility. I know that now. I am sad that I didn’t realize it before, because if I did, I would have done things differently. Unfortunately, like you, I got my dog in a bad time in my life- I had a lot of issues to take care of, including an eating disorder that I I managed to overcome after fighting very hard. It is an issue I will always have to be weary of- it’s not something you just “overcome”. You always have to be careful not to relapse. You have your own issues. Fight them. I believe you are absolutely capable to do so. And, get another dog if you want- it’s obvious you have a lot of love to give. Do it when you are READY. And next time you get a dog companion, remember how much you hurt now, and strive to give him/her the best life possible. Regrets we will have, sure. Not shame, though. Move on with your life and feel happy thinking this: you are not alone.

  86. It’s really not like me to air out in a Forum like this but the stories I have been reading are exactly How I’m feeling.We Rescued Sadie approximately 6 and a half years ago to join our Family as we had just said goodbye to our two boxersRocky& Leila Leila made it to 10yrs and Rocky her Husband to 15 which was Quite Remarkable For the breed we expierienced Ten puppies with them and found them all great homes and it was a joy to be part of a legacy of that nature We fell in love with the Breed So when we went to adopt we were kind of looking to stay with a boxer or a boxer mix When we got there to look we were guided to what was supposed to be a box/Lab mix!!! Enter Sadie a Shiba Inu/Rat Terrier Weimaraner mix Who from the Get Go Stole My Heart She was The Most Amazing Loving Dog I Ever Had and I was Her Human We we’re inseparable and I never thought it would come to an end until this Past weekend. On Friday night she Vomited but it was not like she had never before so like all the other times I assumed she would be better the next day .The only difference this time is her vomit was decidedly Yellow but I just thought it was whatever she ate I continued to watch her Saturday but she grew more lethargic I continued to hope for the best but by Sunday early Morning I knew we had to go to the Vet We rushed her there but her red blood cells were exploding and attacking her immune system I never Saw it Coming and for That I am so Angry with Myself for not reading the signs Better She was Everything to Me and I thought it was just a Stomach ache She was in Critical condition by the time we got to the Vet and it was determined that we should Let her Go I Now Through The Wonderful world of google know what Icterist and Billorubin is But a Little To Late I cant get over this Despondency and can’t believe I went from throwing the ball with her on Friday afternoon and losing her Sunday morning I’ve had many dogs but I can’t get over the Feeling Of letting My Little Girl Down

    1. On the 12th of Feb, I woke to find my beautiful 9 year old Barney’s head darting from side to side and his eyes going in the opposite direction, his bladder had emptied and he couldn’t use his hind legs. We rushed Barney to emergency, we were told he possibly had a stroke, we took him home later that morning and he made a full recovery. I took him to our regular vet to find out about his results, I was told Barney hadn’t had a trike but more likely a seizure and he would only need meds if he had another one within 12 weeks. On Tuesday Barney looked had another seizure, I called my vet and was told to give him anti inflammatory meds and go to the surgery in the morning, I called later in the evening and said he was still twitching, my vet said it sounded neurological. The next morning at the clinic Barney was very ill, he was given an IV of saline and Valium shots to held with the involuntary shaking, we were referred to a specialist clinic where Barney had an MRI, Spinal Tap, toxicology blood checks, his reflexes were fine but he was still not coherent. All results came back clear, we were then sent to the other side of town to ICU clinic, which cost $1800.00 per 12 hours. The next morning I was told my beautiful boy was in. Coma and his brain wasn’t functioning and we needed to euthanise him. I am feeling so guilty about his loss, should
      I have ignored my vets diagnosis and rushed him to emergency, I can barley breathe and am continuously breaking down. I miss him and want him back. I feel I have let him down when he needed me the most.

  87. Hi,
    I just lost my yorkie Max yesterday. He was diagnosed with an enlarged heart a year ago. I took him to the vet, and also get a second opinion, but the vets said his heart did not have a murmur and it was still strong. Max had been waking up panting, and coughing for the last year, but when taken to the vet, I was told there was not need to medicate him yet. An ultrasound was taken locally at the clinic, and they said everything looks good. Max ‘s health deteriorated, and I mistakenly thought that his symptoms were “ok” considering what I was told. He was eating properly, and he was still taking walks. On Saturday night he started to have a super accelerated breathing, took him to the vet with his tongue a little blue, she said “I have seen worst”, she gave us medication and went home. Max deteriorated really quickly. Went back, they gave him oxigen and gave him a shot. I was given all the records in case I had to take him to the emergency clinic. At 11 p.m. I decided to take him to the emergency clinic, and I was told he was having a “massive heart failure” and that either he was hospitalized, or euthanized, as he would not make it through the night.
    Max was 14 1/2 years old. I was told if you leave him here, you will have to pay 1,800, and there is no guarantee that he will make it. If he makes it, the condition will come back, as he is an older dog.

    We took the decision to put him to sleep. Now I am dealing with such guilt. I feel that I should not have done it, that I should have asked the emergency Dr. to apply the medication and bring him home. Instead I feel I rushed into taking the decision to euthanize him.

    The vet assured me that that was the “kindest thing to do”.

    I feel lost without him, I am dealing with guilt, and I jut don’t know if this will go away…….

    It hurts sooo much…….

    1. Hi Vilma: You are a very kind soul and a responsible dog owner who deeply loved her dog, Max. Listen to the vet, you did the kindest thing for Max. To allow an older dog to live with a serious heart condition would be selfish and may prolong poor Max’s suffering. You are experiencing a false guilt because you did everything right and what you did for Max was out of love. Guilt and grieving go hand-in-hand. I wish more pet owners were as responsible and caring as you.

    2. My 10yo yorkie had the exact same problem two days ago. He was previously diagnosed with a heart murmur a few years ago but didn’t need medication. His final night he woke up panting, accelerated breathing, blue tongue, lethargic around 3am. When we went to bed he was fine. I didn’t take him to the vet because he typically coughs and breathes hard. All the sudden at 6am he collapsed and died. I feel so guilty for mistaking his symptoms as normal. I write this to you to let you know that you made the right decision because it was most likely inevitable.

    3. Vilma,

      Your love kept Max alive for 14 and a half years. You took him to the vet, you invested, and because of you, Max outlived the age of the average yorkie and lived a happy life with you. Rest assure knowing he loved you deeply and your will to comfort him kept him happy. Max was too old to survive any treatment he would have received that night. His options were to prolong a worsened life or end his suffering. You gave Max his final gift by ending his life in the most comfortable way an animal can go. Euthanasia is a gift to animals. Live in peace knowing that what happened that night was for written in his destiny and that God granted all of you the opportunity to allow Max to go down the most peaceful comfortable way. His mission is complete and so is yours. Please find a way to project your guilt into love and all the lessons Max left you with. This will be an honour for him. This is fault guilt Vilma. I can see you loved your dog a family member.

    4. Vilma Martinez,
      I’m sorry, but please don’t beat yourself up, as what the vet said is true… he would off succumb to heart failure sooner or later, even if you bought him more time with medication, it would have slowed his condition down and gave him 15 months, but the same result would have been waiting at the end.

      Best regards

  88. We just lost our beautiful Pomeranian Panda suddenly yesterday. My husband and bought him after we had only been married a few months, I was home a lot alone and feeling anxious – Panda came and made our house a home – I never felt along and anxious again. Since he was young, he has a very bad cough and hack – he sounded like a little pig when we would take him for a walk. Despite going to numerous vets, they all told us he was fine and it was the shape of his mouth. About 2 years ago we went to a new vet, who finally diagnosed him with a heart murmur. She said he would have had it for many years, we had to adjust his little life and had to be on medicine 24/7. The medicine dried out all of his insides to remove the fluid buildup from his heart, he wasn’t the same anymore – just lathargic and sleepy. My dad found a natural alternative which worked very well, it cleared his little lungs and gave his heart strength again – he was his old self running around, twirling when he was excited and running with the horses every morning. Yesterday, he woke up feeling unwell, he was with my mum and she rang me to say he seemed off, didn’t want to eat and only stay inside which was odd for our little adventurous Panda. I asked her to FaceTime me so I could talk to him, when she did and I called out to him and he collapsed. They rushed him to the vet and I raced home crying the whole way. Unfortunately he didn’t make it, his little heart had just given way and there was nothing they could do. I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye. He was the light of our whole family, he didn’t feel like a pet because of his beautiful nature and soul. I’m overwhelmed with guilt at wishing I had done more, that I should have been with him instead of being out, that we shouldn’t have switched to a natural alternative. He died 3 months short of his 10th birthday and I don’t know what I will do without him… he will forever and always be missed.

  89. I had to put my Princess Mindi to sleep last week. She has lost so much weight over the weekend, we had been away so she was in kennels so i don’t know if she ate their at all. She vomited her food up so i gave her some chicken which she loved. The next day she didn’t touch her breakfast so i took her to the vet. She had had an issue with peeing for the last year but each time the x-rays showed nothing so we medicated her for an UTI. She seemed to get a little better each time and i thought because she was 14 that maybe she was just old and had a little trouble with peeing. The vet felt a large mass in her tummy, she had a tumour and it was pushing on her insides. Mindi never told me she was uncomfortable. When i rescued her 12 years ago i promised to protect her from everything, i feel so guilty for letting her down.
    She was such a beautiful dog, i love her so much

  90. A year ago in February I lost my two year old Australian cattle dog mutt. I find myself feeling a lot of shame over it and it seeps into every other part of my life making me start to feel hatred toward myself. I tend to be a perfectionist which is probably why I am feeling this way. Anyway, here is the story.

    I picked this dog up on a busy road near my house and took her home. We saw patches of hair missing and scratches leading us to believe she’d been abused by her old owner. My boyfriend and I just fell in love with her so we tried our best to keep her. My boyfriend’s parents decided to let him keep her as he was finishing his last year of high school.

    Once my boyfriend started college, he came to stay at my house so we could carpool. Naturally, the dog came along too. The problem was she was not socialized at all and we had three other dogs, one of which could be aggressive, so she spent all of her time in my room when we were at school which was all day. When I would come home, we would take her out in my acre backyard and throw a ball to get her energy out. I always wished I had more time to spend with her.

    One night we noticed huge lumps on each side of her neck and feared that it was lymphoma. A few days before she would yelp if you touched her face wrong but I did not think anything of it. We rushed her to the animal hospital where they checked her for cancer cells under a microscope but they found fungal cells. We were relieved because we were told it was likely valley fever and could be treated. We took her home that night while we awaited test results.

    The test came back negative for valley fever and at that moment it seemed like she was doomed as the vets told me it was likely a fungus called aspergillosis that is very common but can attack weak immune systems. So in other words, it was a weak immune system killing her. We were told it was common in female dogs with a history of abuse. She always had anxiety about everything and I feel that is what killed her.

    We forced her to eat chicken so that she could take the antifungal medicine and it gave her diarrhea making things worse. We had to shove the pill down her throat as well. The entire experience was awful. I did all of this and still had to go to college full time. She got better for one day and was happy to be outside so we let her wander around in the backyard for a bit and she seemed normal. The next day, she wouldn’t even get up to see me as it seemed the fungus had spread throughout her lymphatic system but she would at least wag her tail still. We knew there was no way she would get better so we decided to put her down since we did not want to see how bad it would get. When we took her to get put down she walked around the room like normal but we were told it could just be adrenaline, so we went through with it.

    I feel like it was my fault she died. I could have done more to help with her anxiety and I could have helped her get along with the other dogs. I have a lot of hatred toward college because I feel like I’ve wasted my time I could have had with her since I was always busy and never really home. I feel shame for taking her in the first place since she did not fit the lifestyle I have now but rather the one I always wanted. I feel uncertain about the decision to put her down since I had that glimmer of hope when she walked around the yard. Her walking around the vet room when we were about to put her down also reinforces this feeling. It is just so tragic since she was so young and I find myself fearing death all the time now for myself and my loved ones. My shame for myself has seeped into my schoolwork and I find myself hating myself and destroying my relationships and good things because I feel I do not deserve them. My life just seems so dark without her.

  91. Yesterday afternoon, while I was trying to distract myself from the pain of a failing relationship with my S/O I went on the balcony to finish a small project. I live in the top floor Of a high rise) and my 4 month old puppy, Grace accidentally fell to her death over sixty feet below. As a small puppy she was under foot and and as I turned I bumped into her and she fell through the railing. I watched in horror as she yelped and landed in the pavement below. She didn’t die immediately. I rushed her to the nearest vet hospital, but she had expired by the time I got there. My grief and guilt are unbearable. I was pleading with god to not let her die and and begging for gods forgiveness alternatively while racing to the hospital.

    Grace was a beautifully spirited puppy. A rescue dog I took in. I got her because I need emotional support and love dogs. After I agreed to take her from the breeder I was informed had she not been given a good home the Breeder was going to have her put down as she was born with a birth defect. I share this not to defend myself or make myself feel better about the brief life she had with me, but because it’s pet of her story. My grief is still very raw and painful. I cannot go more than a short period of time without the image seeing her fall to her death haunting me. She deserved better and more astute care than I gave her. She was a an incredible, loving, playful and loving girl. I don’t know what to do or how I will cope. Thank you for reading. And thank you to whomever wrote this blog post. And, thank you to the women who sent it to me.

    1. I am very sorry this happened. I know exactly how you feel. I lost my dog when I lost control of her leash on our daily run. It simply slipped my hand and I coulndt catch my small yorkie on time. A car ran over her. Even though people tell me it was an accident, I still feel great guilt. This happened 3 weeks ago. As the days go by the guilt is less intense and I slowly have come to remember of the good care I took of her during our year together. My dog was loved, happy and never neglected. I took her everywhere I could and jogging daily was our thing. She would go nuts when she knew it was time for a jog. I still feel great sorrow. Sometimes the live memory of that car haunts me out of nowhere. Seeing her broken body on my arms is something qI will probably never foget. and I still cry almost daily but in the middle of this torment, I remind myself that I loved her, I did the best I could to try to get her off the road before the car killed her and that gives me some peace. I pray that each day is a little bit better for you. This was an accident even if you blame yourself (as I did to myself). Im sure you loved your puppy very much. Hugs!

  92. I lost my dog of 9 years on Saturday. I am on the autism spectrum and my dog and I were extremely close. I always tried to give my dog a healthy diet and exercise her, but she would often get some very small bites of my dinner and/or lunch. I was usually very dedicated to her exercise but sometimes it would be reduced in the winter when it was cold. I always thought I was giving her a good and healthy life but I am questioning everything now.

    I took her to the vet a little over a month ago because she was panting a lot, seemed less energetic, somewhat cranky and was getting tremors. Everything looked ok, and the vet thought it was maybe just aging (she was nearing 11 years old) and anxiety. Then her blood came back with elevated liver enzymes. This had happened once before, a few years ago, and we’d done Denamarin and an ultrasound. The denamarin lowered her enzymes and nothing but a few minor things seemed out of the ordinary on the ultrasound.

    I went in for another ultrasound a few weeks ago (that was the earliest appointment I could get) and her liver enzymes had sky-rocketed and there were nodules in her liver. They started her on additional medication and wanted to give it a week and then do a full biopsy (they’d already done an aspiration which didnt show anything). Since I was worried about her and wanted to do a “bucket list” sort of thing, I took her on one last road trip Friday evening, but i forgot her food. To tide her over, I gave her a few small bites of my dinner (chicken nuggets and fries). It’s very rare that i ever have fast food, and i had some hesitation about it, but at no point had either my vet or the internist given me a warning about food, and pancreatitis was not on the table at that point.

    The next day she stopped eating and got very lethargic. I took her to the hospital and they treated her medically but she wasn’t getting better and now her bilirubin levels were skyrocketing. At some point, acute pancreatitis and a potential gallbladder blockage became the main issue. We finally did surgery and they put a stent in her gall bladder to get the bile flowing. The surgery was successful but unfortunately she had a blood clot go to her lung and her heart stopped.

    I talked to the critical care vet on Sunday, mentioned the people food and asked if this is my fault. She said 100% no that I didnt cause it and couldnt have prevented it. I also looked up the fat content of what i gave her Friday night, and even allowing for much more than i gave her, the fat content isnt any higher than the recommended amount for her weight for a meal.

    I was doing ok, but today the internist called today with her liver biopsy results. Essentially all they could see was inflammation and scar tissue, which could (and maybe likely) means that she had chronic pancreatitis. When i asked the internist about people food he mentioned that there was some thought that pancreatitis could be caused by high fat although they don’t know and there are other potential causes as well. That sent me into a spiral. It makes me feel like i have been slowly killing my dog for 9 years and causing her pain. I hate that she had to be in the hospital for so long away from me and that she had to die there. My family feels like I am blaming myself unnecessarily, and I want to believe them, but I am finding it very difficult.

    1. Hi Rebecca! I know how you feel. My 14 year old dog also died with liver problems (cancer) and I also made mistakes at the time I regret it a lot. But in your case, I am a medical student and I assure you it was not that that killed him or hastened the process. In your place I would have done the same things as you. Do not blame yourself for anything. Diseases of the liver and pancreas are very rapid. She was going to die anyway. And from what you describe, he was a very happy and fortunately dog!! (I´m sorry for my english. It´s not my mother language).

      1. My dog was 9. He was with some member of our family 24/7 every day of his life. Very rarely was he ever alone. About 4 months ago his world changed as he was having to be kept alone longer. My parents weren’t around, I wasn’t home due to work and overtime, brother spending time with his family and new son. My dog kept sleeping longer and them the snows started. I would come home with just enough energy to put his food and then my own and sleep. He started to slip on the stairs. No matter how much deicer I used to shoveled the stairs. He slipped 3 times and then I believe psychologically became scared to go down or the arthritis was too much. 2 months ago he started having incontinence in the house and no matter how many pads I put down he would go. I would get angry sometimes because I would clean it and yet he wouldn’t go outside down the stairs and do it again. Finally I realized it wasn’t his fault. I started being happy and putting on a happy face for him. Not pretending I was stressed. Overtime was finally letting up. I wanted him checked out by the vet. He camw back from the vet full of anxiety and breathing bad but he recovered. They gave us some anti anxiety medication for the next day. We gave it and he was taken to vet by my brother. I had his pads and water ready for when he would return. 2 minutes from our house he collapsed in car as he was breathing pretty horrible. He rushed home and I jumped in but he passed on way to a closer vet. I feel tremendous guilt in that why was I angry at my senior dog and his arthritis issues. Why did I not feed him better to offset any weight gain. Why was I too busy with tv or smartphone to play more and keep him happy while parents away. He died overweight and depressed the last 4 months. Why did I not go with him to vet to reassure. Why didn’t we pick a closer vet so that he would have relaxed on bed and not in traffic. Why didn’t the vet sedate or give him oxygen as they knew he was freaking out and had trouble breathing like before. Why did we even take him to vet. His blood was fine, no cancer or tumors or cysts. He just had elevated liver enzymes due to overweight and poor food. I would give anything to have my best friend back. It is not getting easier. He still had time. I wish I knew CPR better. Maybe if my brother didn’t panic and come home he could’ve gone straight to vet and save precious unconscious minutes. Vet didn’t intubate either. Just put oxygen mask on face. A dog that isn’t breathing cannot willingly suck the air. I regret so much. I wish I will see him again just to apologize for the end.

    2. I lost my dog at only 6 years old this past Monday and I feel horrible. My dog was a small dog who never left mine or my fiancé side and I mean NEVER…We were outside hanging out by the bbq when my fiancé mom comes back from walking her big dog and when he got close to us I guess the food smell triggered a fight between them and how I wish I acted faster 😢. The big dog was easily 70 pounds heavier than my little shiht zu so he definitely cost some serious damage to his little jaw . I took him to the animal hospital and they said that they couldn’t do anything for his broken jaw that I needed to see a surgeon ASAP anyway they send us home with medication but as soon as the anesthetic wore off his was screaming I’ve never heard him cry like that so we rushed back to the hospital at 2 am and they keep him overnight. We picked him up early in the am yo take him to the surgeon but when we got to the other pet hospital the dental surgeon wasn’t available until a whole week and a half alway.Anyway that doctor send us home with even more medication and antibiotics he always Muzzled and put a cone on him and Insured us that he would not be able to take it off but the moment we got home we tried to give him the pain medication but he screamed in pain again and ripped everything of ( btw I had no idea how I would be able to fed him if I couldn’t even give him liquid pain medication without him freaking out) I cried so much didn’t know what to do when my fiancé suggested that we put him down. We both hated to see him in so much pain and we felt helpless. We were even willing to drive 2 and a half hours to a different surgeon but when we called they didn’t insured us that he would be seen that day. The doctor seemed to think my dog will be fine with 12 days in pain before receiving the surgery he needed. It had only been the 2nd day after his bite but the screams that came out of him made us feel like there’s no way we can keep him like that for 12 days the pain medication didn’t seem to work so we decided that we needed to put him down.. It felt sooo wrong .. I felt guilt almost immediately after .. I keep thinking what if I just stayed home from work those 12 days and comforted him would he still be ok ?? Or what if we pick up the stronger pain medication the vet was going to prescribe to us would it have worked ??? Could his pain been more manageable if I waited a couple of more days before putting him down ???? My heart is so broken right now 💔💔😢

      1. Elizabeth,
        What a gut-wrenching decision you had to make. It sounds like you were only thinking of his best interests and that you made the most compassionate decision available.

  93. My yorkie was ran over by a car last week. I took her for our daily jog as usual when all the sudder I lost control of her leash. It slipped my hand as we ran. I paralyzed and began to call her and to “sit/stay” but everytime I walked towards her or the leash she moved away. Eventually she ran to the street and a car ran her over. A hit and run. I ran picked her up, she was convulsing and bleeding. Died on my arms. I couldnt move. Some lady pulled over and offered me to take me to the veterinary hospital even she was dead. So we went and the veterinarian told me the obvious and offered cremation. I called my family and they took me home. I was trembling and covered in blood. A week has passed and I feel anger and guilty. I should have taken her out. I feel shame and anger for not being able to grab her and save her. She was my companion, my first dog and I loved her. She loved going on walks and her training sessions. I dont know how to overcome this.

  94. This year it will be two years since my dear dog died. He was shot and murdered by my neighbour in consultation with my own parents because my dog would always chase after the chickens because of his instinct. He was shot right before my eyes and even though almost two years have passed I think of this every day, what I saw, heard and felt. What I think of the most is that I didn’t give the dog the lots of attention and love it deserved because I was often scolding him when he did something bad. I didn’t even play with him and walk with him so much. I regret it so much that I wouldn’t spoil him with love, but now that he’s gone and has been gone so long my heart still aches and lets me know that I really did love him even though I was stupid enough to not show it. Did he know I loved him? I feel like he didn’t, because I often scolded him and got angry. I feel so much guilt and regret, I really should have given him more attention while I could. Now at this day I have a learned from my mistakes and I have a new dog which I shower with love and attention and which I walk and play with 24/7 and which I have raised perfectly. However, I still really really regret that I did not do the same with the dog which died right in front of me because he also deserved the world. I feel so bad…

    1. Hi Esmee: My heart aches for you and I understand your pain. One of the hardest things to do is to forgive ourselves for our shortcomings, mistakes, wrong choices. It looks like you have learned from your mistake because you are showing more love and attention to your new dog. Mistakes teach us lessons and help us to grow and become better people. You can’t live in the past with your regret. Dogs are very kind souls and I think your dog would not want you to keep beating yourself up. You dog would forgive you, God too will forgive you if you ask Him to so now it is your turn to forgive yourself. It will be 2 years in April since my 17 year old toy poodle died and I too was full of regret shame and guilt because it was my fault he died. I accidentally poisoned him by giving him the cat’s medicine. He started to get weak and stopped eating and drinking. I thought he was dying of old age. He wawas not whimpering or making any noise like he was in pain so I let nature take it’s course. I did make an appointment to have him put down a couple of days later. Looking back II should have acted faster. I too look back at how I could have been more patient and shown more I love. I wept bitterly after he died because I know I should have been more attentive. Coco”s death made me see a side of myself I did realize I had. I was made painfully aware of my selfishness and my lack of attention towards Coco at times. I am now more at peace because I have forgiven myself. I still feel a little sad but like you I know I loved him. To make matters worse, Coco was my dad’d dog and I got him when dad died in 2010. Dad showered Coco with so much love and affection. Coco was soooo spoiled. I could mot compete with my dad. I tried my best to look after Coco but I workedand had a busier life so Coco had to be left alone often. I want to add that youreighbour is a mean man and should have been charged for killing your dog. I am sorry you had to see your dog die in front of you. I hope your neighbour comes to a place in his life wher he feels so bad that he asks for your forgiveness. Take care and move forward. You are not a bad person.

      1. I’m also sorry for your loss, but I’m very glad you managed to forgive yourself and I’m also glad to know I’m not the only one who has been in that similar situation of feeling guilty about not giving the dog enough attention and feeling like it’s your own fault. I’m very happy for your sweet reply and it really helped to read your words ❤️ Thank you so much !

    2. I’m eric and just had to put my beagle mix 10-11 years old down she was doing fine until I noticed her 3rd eyelid had gone over half of her eye I took her to the vet and they gave me steroids to help with the 3rd eyelid. Well little did I know that was making something else wrong, she started drinking water in excess and peeing in the house. I thought it was because she wasnt being taken out. Until one morning I was getting ready to take her out and she peed right there. That same day my daughter told me she blood in her urine. So when I got home we took her to the 4 different vet clinics. The first was about to close. The second was doing an emergency surgery no was available at the time. The 3rd one side it would be 110.00 for the exam so I agreed but when I told the nurse the symptoms she went and talked to the vet. She came back in and said the vet had some Ideas on what it could be but it would be another 500.00 to do the tests. Unfortunately I could not afford it. Was recommended to an affordable vet clinic ( at this time it’s like 10 pm me my daughter and youngest son had not eaten) so when we get there I paid for the exam he came back and said that it was not what he thought it was but wanted to fun more test. I agreed come to find out she was diagnosed with diabetic ketoacidosis I was told she needed to be hospitalized right now. But when he started telling me how much it would cost I just could not afford to do that and had to make a decision on what to do cause according to him she may not have made it through the night. I had chosen to put her down. But now I feel like I made a bad choice by putting my financial situation in the way of her life. Could she have made it I dont know. Should I be regretting my decision by doing this. I just wanted to bring her home and discuss with my other kid. Did I jump to a conclusion. What could I have done differently, maybe getting a second opinion. Or letting her go at home.

  95. I am still in a state of shock I think. I had lost my childhood dog from old age back in May. I loved that dog with all my heart and it took a really long time until I felt like I could find another little guy to love. I looked for a good month for the perfect dog, and then I found him. Waiting for my baby to be old enough to come home with me was so hard and I thought that would be the hardest thing we’d have to do for awhile.. After 2 months of playing and cuddling Chester got big enough to get food out of the other dogs bowl. He was still pretty tiny and had to try really hard but he’d get a few pieces here and there. Yesterday he was trying harder than normal to get the food, and when he finally did he started making the weirdest noises, I wasn’t even sure what happened, but he was choking. It all happened so fast and I didn’t know what to do. We called the emergency vet and they told us to just bring him in and that’s all we could do. With it being Sunday in our neighborhood the only vet that was open was 30 minutes away. My 4 month old baby boy died in my arms before we got there. They told us that there was a 5% chance to get him back but we still wanted them to try and it didn’t work. We spent the next few hours laying on the floor with his body.
    I just keep thinking that I should have put the big dogs food up when I saw him trying so hard or I should have tried something to get the food out. I had no idea what to do or where to press. I feel like my dog had the unfortunate luck of getting me as an owner, and would still be alive if it wasn’t for me. I know that he’s probably with my other dog that died back in May but I don’t know that for sure. I don’t know how I will ever get over this. My heart is so broken.

    1. I’m sorry for your pain…..twice! Guilt will kill us if we don’t follow the 18 suggestions laid out on this website.scroll to top of this page and work them….it involves a lot of writing but that is what will help heal us. I had to do the writings after I overdosed my 19 1/2 yr old fur baby who was my life…. I know now you can’t see an end in site. But the pain does leave for long periods of time. I still can cry at the drop of the hat and it happened August 23. The healing is there do the work, you’ll feel closer to your babies.
      God Bless

      1. Put my boy ben down in march it was a huge mistake.he had arthritis and one hip with displasia two fused disc and dementia.pain was under control with meds ,he was 15 the fused disc caused no pain but he could not lick or chew himself .he was very slow walking and for some reason wanted to walk alot ,i was afraid he would wear out his hips so the vet gave me pills for anxiety which inded up messing him up i also would give him melotonin to help calm him down those worked well the pills from the vet caused more harm than good but i did not find that out until after i put him to ben did have anxiety he would walk for 5 to 10 min then sleep for 30,45 to an hour then get up and do that again all day until evening when he woul get sleeping pills so i could sleep at night.he did not seem unhappy but also was not really happy either ,but he seemed to me ok at least to me.he could noy sit pn his butt so l would lay him on his side either side he could sit on his elbows on his right side but not his left and that was how he ate and drank.i did feed him by hand to keep weight on him he drank by himself and would eat chicken and beef on his own ,but he had ibs so could not eat yoo much he had a special dog food.l hsd to help him up most of the time and until the last 2 weeks of his life walked on his own with a little help here and there.he would get stuck in corners and do circles (dementia) but i usaually would keep him from doing 3 weeks before he died i ssked the vet if tgete was somthing to calm him down during the day so he would not ruin his hips the vet said give him a nighy yime pill and see how that did ,big mistake .ben did not rest with that and instead did very bad walking to the effect he hurt his hip ,so i stopped that pill and ask for somthing better,and had started helping him using a hip the end the pills had a side ecfect that csused the joints to be more stiff and made it hard for him to pee during the day,which caused discomfort i did not realize these were causing probkems until after i put him to sleep and looked up meds,also the harness i used was hurting his hips and i did not realize that until i thought about after he his last weekend was good but did notice discomfort at night and mid day(do yo harness and pills i did not realize this at the time).so i began to worry .idid not give him melotonin on the weekend just anxiety pil and pain meds and then sleeping pills at night .got to tuesday mid morning and he was a bit anxious so i gave him melotonin,later iwas getting him up and the hip harness fell off as i was getting him up to walk well i desided to hold his tail to help him walk which i had done before to help no problems.well his walking was terriable so i put him down and got him water and noticed he looked like he was in pain all this time forgetting he was on melotonin that was why the truoble walking and the face things did not get better so i thought i would call the vey conversation got into quality of life and i came to a stupide conclusion to put ben down at the end of the day so the rezt of the day i watched him snd now i know i judged his condition wrong but at the end of the day i put him down .the next day i remembetd the melotonin then lookeed up other pills and realuzed the harness was also hurting him i ended putting ben down and he would have been fine had i not forgotten about the melotonin and had i stopped using yhe harness and taken him off that anxiety pill .i just want to die my boy would be here today if i had only clued in,i cant live with myselfe he would be here today if i did not rush to judgment god help me please i truley want to die.

  96. I lost my baby girl, Daisy, two days ago. I adopted her when she was one, she was 14 when she died. She hasd been having some health issues, one being loss of bladder control. We left the doggy door open for her during the day so she could go outside to potty when she needed to. She always followed my car out to the gate when I left in the morning and, after I pulled out I would come back and love on her and then shut the gate and leave. She was always behind my car because she moved slowly. Somehow on Tuesday morning, she got in front of my car. I ran over her and then did it again. I don’t know why or how I did that. What was I thinking. When I got out of the car she was up and limping and crying. I realized what I had done. I took her to the emergency vet. She had no broken bones or internal injuries, but had no feeling in her back legs. The vet said it might come back, but she would still require surgery and did I want to put her through that at her age. They brought her in so I could be there with her when they put her to sleep and she was just lying on the table crying. I held her in my arms and told her how much I loved her and how much I would miss her. I don’t know how to forgive myself. I know she would forgive me, but I can’t imagine ever forgiving myself. She was my baby girl from the minute I adopted her. I could never imagine who could have possibly given her up. She was at the gate morning and night wagging her tail so excited to see mommy was home. I feel guilt, but must feel shame too. My ex-husband ran over two of his dogs and I always thought, “who could be so stupid” and now it is me. I am such an animal lover. I have 6 other rescue dogs. I volunteer for transport. My animals always come first. I wish I could turn back time. I just keep reliving the whole horrible incident. My husband keeps telling me it was an accident. I know that, but it doesn’t really help.

  97. I’m not really sure how to go about this. However I find myself here at 3 am seeking something that my heart is craving. My fiancé and I woke up Friday, February 22, 2019 at 10 am. We had to get ready and leave for an important lunch date with family. I was getting dressed and my fiancé decided to take our lab and chihuahua/min pin mix out to potty. When the apartment door opened, I heard Chloe’s (chi/minpin) leash unhook and then I heard the dogs fighting, I ran out of my room to see our neighbors dog in our foyer attacking our lab. I grabbed clothes to throw on and in a matter of 2 minutes it was over and I saw our lab inside (no injuries) but no Chloe, I ran outside to see my fiancé frantically calling for Chloe. Our apartment maintenance men came over to see what the camotion was and I didn’t know exactly what was going on. Chloe never ran away, before we ever moved to an apartment she was trained to walk without a leash, always came to us when we called her, we all looked for hours, I got upset when I found out the neighbor had opened her door and her dog ran out and came and attacked our lab IN our apartment foyer so I spoke to her in anger and said things I normally wouldn’t. We searched and searched for Chloe. It was raining and I new she hated the rain. I just knew someone stole my Chloe! The neighbor ended up not helping us look anymore, she had somewhere to go. In the midst of all of this I began to have a panic attack. I informed our leasing office and they eventually and not right away sent out an email to all residents to be on the look out for her. We searched and searched. I had her blankets and toys on our patio because she was small enough to fit through the railings, in hopes she’d return home! I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, and I continued to pray. We continued to walk our lab to hopefully catch a scent or to leave his scent so she could find her way back home! We knew she was scared and ran, or someone took her. Next day, Saturday, we had friends looking for her while we went to local shelters, and vets and groomers hanging flyers. No one had seen her. I posted on several pages on social media, and the Nextdoor app. I had a lot of strangers driving to my neighborhood to look for her. Still no Chloe. We had amazing friends come and helped us hang over 200 flyers on every apartment door and on every dumpster, mailbox, the fitness center, the dog park, and all. It was raining and we had to put the flyers in plastic sleeves, we searched and searched. Drove around and walked our lab again. For hours on end! Sunday morning rolled around, still haven’t ate or slept, took our lab for a walk again, it was sunny and felt nice out and I knew if Chloe was around we would find her. She loves the warm weather. I was feeling hopeful. Finally I actually felt like eating. Told my fiancé “let’s go get some food” just as I said that I got a call. “I’ve found your dog” I rejoiced and was extremely happy, my fiancé called our friends while I was rejoicing on the phone with this caller, then the caller said “unfortunately she is deceased” I cried so loud. I froze in fear that I was living out my worst nightmare! She had gotten into the pool at the neighboring apartment complex. It wasn’t very far, and I don’t know how or why she got in. This woman that called me, worked at the office of that complex, one of their residents had seen her in there floating and no one knew what to do, she got in and got my baby out. She had her in a nice sized box when we went over to get her. I was so distraught, I couldn’t open it to look at her, so the woman showed me pictures, pictures I keep seeing in my mind, and it was in fact my baby! It was a Sunday, all places for cremation were closed and we had called a friend who works in the vetinarian business who was willing to meet us at her business for Chloe’s cremation. She made me beautiful paw prints in clay and she saved her collar for me. I got her ashes back on Wednesday and I kiss the box every night before bed. Chloe turned 10 on December 19th 2018 and I had her since birth. Her mother wasn’t letting her get milk Bc she was the runt and so I took her and bottle fed her. She was my best friend and she was always by my side. I feel like I let her down in so many ways! She always relied on me for everything. I miss her so bad it hurts. I can’t put her food dish away, I can’t find it in me to put up her kennel and her toys and blankets. I miss her warmth next to me at night, I miss her greeting me when I get out the shower just to lick the water off my legs. I miss her running in circles under the dinner table when I’m making her food. I miss her bark and the sound she makes when she yawns. I miss her happy little face when I walk in the door and her tail wagging 100 mph! My lab is depressed and constantly looks for her. I am so angry at my neighbor for using poor judgement that day and I can’t bare to see her. I’m in so much pain, I can’t stop thinking about it all!! 💔

    1. I can feel your pain, I understand and even if I cannot offer any real meaningful words, try to think of the good memories.

  98. I just lost my dog 2 days ago, Harley. He was a little Havapoo dog. I had him for more than 8 years and he had been very healthy. But last Saturday, I gave him chicken which had garlic on it. I don’t know how much garlic in the chicken, but the next day, Harley started to have diarrhea, then vomit. I took him to the vet on Monday, and when the vet asked me about his food, I just said he ate chicken without mention garlic. Then the vet gave him shot to stop the vomiting. One day later, Harley had difficult to breath. I took him to the vet again and did some X-rays. The vet saw something in his lung, so he thought Harley had pneumonia, and gave him some antibiotics. Until that afternoon, my dog didn’t get anything better, so I took him to ER hospital and left him there for treatment, and of course, I didn’t mention about garlic because I really didn’t know that garlic is really harmful for dog. Next day, Harley was suffering in breathing and and had to decide to let him go. I was sad, so sad, but still feel okay until now. I asked myself why my dog died so soon, then I suddenly remembered that the food I gave him had garlic in it. I did some research and realized that all the symptoms which Harley had was garlic poisoning. If I remember it earlier, I could save my beloved. I’m hate myself. I don’t know what’s to do to feel better now. Just because my stupid and my dog died in suffering.

    1. I’m so sorry for your loss I lost my chihuahua not too long ago and it have the same symptoms that couldn’t breathe I didn’t give it chicken with garlic though so I don’t think that’s the cause it probably was the pneumonia cuz I was thinking that my dog either had respiratory issue or a heart problem please please don’t blame yourself you are a good pet parent just live for those days that you were here with him not don’t dwell on the end of his life.

  99. I had my little Zoe for 14 years she was my life we were watching another dog a little Chihuahua. So instead of making sure that my Zoe was safe out of the way of a truck because my husband was fixing to leave I was making sure that The little Chihuahua was out of the way and I thought for sure my husband wasn’t going to miss no way and somehow somehow she got a punch the wheel when you read over her she died in my arms and it was my fault no never get over it should’ve been me not her she was the most sweetest little edible and I’m not ever going to get over this

  100. Hi all, I really wanted a place to express my sadness in a place where it’s understood. I lost my yorkie yesterday and it was very unexpected.

    In October 2017 I had my first child. He had colic and my dogs were very loud. So when I got him to sleep and they woke him up, I was upset. I was suffering with PPD and a colicky baby. I was a mess. So to prevent the dogs from waking my baby up, I kept them in a different part of the house. After he outgrew the colic, I let them roam to wherever they pleased. My grandfather and grandma constantly complained about the dogs when they came over to watch my baby when I went to work so I put them in the part of the house again some of the time and let them roam the other part.
    Fast forward to a few months ago, my Eevee was tied with her father. Luckily she didn’t get pregnant and I was able to have her father neutered before that happened again. I was in the process of getting my dogs fixed when I got pregnant yet again. My grandma was coming over to get my baby and my dogs were isolated to a separate part of the house. I asked my husband to go get the dogs after we got the house cleaned. He couldn’t find Eevee. Upon going back to that part of the house he discovered her body…that had a half dead puppy hanging out. She was a tiny dog, she had dwarfism. He tried to resuscitate her to no avail. He said she couldn’t have been dead long. It has devestated me. It was so unexpected and no one knew she was pregnant. The puppy she was pushing out wasn’t fully formed and probably too big for her. We give our dogs a bath every week, we’ve taken her to the groomer and she wasn’t showing and hasn’t been around bigger dogs than her that weren’t neutered but a handful of times. I do have a bigger male yorkie that wasn’t neutured and I’m assuming he was the father. But this has completely shocked me. I blame myself. I wonder if I had known she was pregnant if I could have saved her? Or if I would have let her roam if I could have helped her? It has been an awful weekend and I can’t help wonder “what if”?

  101. Hi All, I lost my first dog, French bulldog, Jax a couple of weeks ago. I was never a dog person and Jax changed all of this. He followed me everywhere and just wanted to be near me all the time. I loved that. I fed him like normal, went out the front and then went back to play with him to find him vomiting everywhere. My husband did whatever he could to help him and got to the vet within 10 minutes. Somehow food got caught in his windpipe and he couldn’t breath and his heart stopped. I just feel so guilty because I have him the food. I can’t stop thinking about him and crying because I would do anything to have him with me again. I just want to hug him and tell him how sorry I am. I am also pregnant and everyone keeps saying focus on the baby, I can’t thought and I feel guilty about that because all I can think about is Jax. I wish I could turn back time and I wish I didn’t give him that food I just feel so so bad. I don’t know how to get through this and be excited for the baby. Everytime I get happy I think of Jax and just feel bad for being happy 🙁

  102. I just lost my sweet, beloved cat. It was entirely my fault. My cat and her two siblings were found in our yard almost three years ago, so we’ve raised them on our farm and in our home and loved them so much. They are the sweetest, kindest animals and such a source of joy and love in our small family. Keeping track of three indoor/outdoor cats is a challenge, but I always made sure they made it in safely each night. A couple days ago, distracted and just getting through my day I shut the small safe we have in our house and locked it, like I always do. My dear sweet kitty was inside. I knew she was in the house, so I didn’t worry about where she’d gotten off to that evening, and in the morning my partner told me all the cats were outside, so again I didn’t think to worry. He found her later in the morning. She had died, alone and scared I’m sure, and so close to help that we did not know to give.
    I am so devastated and am still working through the shock of how I could possibly do such a thing unknowingly. I am such an animal lover, and would never harm an animal on purpose EVER. I know in my heart it was just a dumb mistake, a freak accident. I can’t, even now, imagine how she could have fit in there and especially without me noticing. Somehow she just slipped my notice and other small moments led to us not taking corrective action. But still, knowing that doesn’t stop how painful this is.
    It’s hard to separate the pain of the loss from the awfulness of her death and the god-awful feeling of knowing it was completely avoidable. I keep thinking of all the small moments and decisions that could have resulted in a different outcome, even though I know it’s no use.
    Our house will not be the same, though we still have her two sweet brothers. I feel such shame, despite knowing it was truly truly the only moment I’ve had with these cats that wasn’t pure love and joy, care. I’m not sure how to sit with this. This is probably the worst I’ve ever felt.

    1. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I lost my puppy due to my own negligence with a bottle of medicine. I know how overwhelming the guilt can be. Please try to be gentle with yourself and think of the LOVE.

      1. Thank you for the kind words. I would never wish this awful situation on anyone, but it does help to know others have gone through it and survived the sadness. Sorry for the loss of your puppy.

  103. Hi everyone.. My dog passed away on last Saturday on Feb 16 2019 around 3 pm. His name was chance but we called him chance poo. I actually used to be a dog walker for wag and saw that there was a request to watch a dog. I was debating the idea of bringing a dog to my house for a few weeks, but I was like hey more money would be great so I accepted it and that’s where I met my baby chance. I remember the second that I met him, he was scared and wondering who I was. I watched him for almost a month and from the first day I met him, he did not leave my side. my whole family grew attached to him, and the day it came to picking up chance I was really sad and cried when the owner picked him up. after her seeing the bond chance and I grew together, she offered me to buy him in april of 2018. he was about 6 months old. I was so happy and kept him. he would sleep with me every single night, loved playing with his bone tossing it side to side, was loyal to me and followed me everywhere. I would even take him to the stores, malls, etc and he even went to Canada and other states with my family and I. I went to mexico for two weeks in January and my dad told me that every single night my boy slept in my bedroom waiting for me. he was an angel. Everything turned downhill when I let my boyfriend take him for ONE night. my boyfriend loved chance so much and wanted to have a sleepover with chance. I said well why not that would be cute. he sent me pics of them and of chance sleeping and the night went great. the next day I was telling him to come with chance earlier than planned so that we could do something earlier, but I then was like, well if you wanna spend more time with you fam just come a bit later wit chance. my boyfriend kevin asked his dad to take chance with him running. chance did not know kevins dad and his dad doesn’t even like dogs. so they are half way done running and chance freaks out and his collar comes off. hes wondering who this man is and tries running back home with kevin and gits hit by a car. my little baby got hit by a car and my bfs dad just left him there. he went running back to his house to tell kevin and that’s when kevin facetimes me telling me that chance got hit by a car. im freaking out like where is he?? is he ok? I immediately cried and my heart sank. kevin tells me that chance is on the side of the street where he got hit and im so scared and mad and tell him to go get chance. he drives back to where chance is and im cryinig and telling him to take him to the vet and that im on my way. my bf tells me that hes alive and when I get to the vet, they tell me theyre sorry and I immediately fell into tears. how could this happen to my baby? his body was completely fine just the inside of his mouth was bloody and his ears. my poor baby died on the spot, not at the vet. he was left alone probably wondering what was happening and where his human mommy was.i cant imagine how he was feeling and the fact that he was left there dying!? my dad, borther, and I balled our eyes out because chance was like no other dog at all. it hurts me because I did not choose him, he chose me. he trusted me and stuck by my side and I let him down. I wish I could go back in time and have told kevin that he cant take my baby. my heart aches and is waiting for him to come home. the house doesn’t feel the same without him. we just barely moved into this house for him and my older dog sassy to have more space and be able to run freely. I know this would have not happened if I took him to the park or even if he stayed home with me. all I will have left is his ashes. I truly thought he was going to be alive and that he would be ok. any amount of money for him to still be here with us is so much better than him being gone. im just so mad at the scenario. I cried for days, but ive just reached that angry part. is hard to e mad at my boyfriend and his dad because accidents happen but my love is gone. I fear to ever have another dog because I cant replace chance. chance was once in a lifetime.

  104. We adopted Ellie from a shelter as a 10 week old puppy. She was extraordinary! She was smart, loving, her tail would was in circles she was so happy. She would cuddle, she loved to be the big spoon.. Even from a tiny puppy, she would wrap you in her gangling long legs. We lost her on Saturday night, 10 months old. I was travelling for work and my husband popped out to a friend, for less than 2 hours. The dogs were playing and the easy release collar got caught around Pickle’s lower jaw, It didn’t release, and Ellie was strangled. My husband got home to find them still tangled together. He had to phone me to tell me.
    It’s devastating for so many reasons… I noticed the collars on the dogs in the pictures he sent me – but didn’t want to NAG… He was doing everything he could to run the house on his own. the dogs had collars on, when they go to day care, and we often left them on over weekends.. She was so trusting, and loving.. She can’t have understood what was happening.. and I can’t turn off the pictures in my head of what she went through.. Our boy, Pickle, went through a massive trauma too – and is very distant from my husband now.. It’s only been a few days.. But we are heartbroken.. and filled with regret, sadness and grief..
    So many “if only’s”…

    1. Constantly, to where my heart actually feels like it is burning and being squeezed . I just lost my dog yesterday from heart failure . I was at work and the vet xalked the wrong number to tell me he wasnt going to make it and I had no idea . I lost him and the anxiety is unbearable. I keep a stuffee animal that looks like him with me at all times to hug . Helps a little when the intense anxiety hits

  105. My dogs name was Pokey. He was a white part cocker spaniel. I adopted him from a pound in Ventura, Ca. I was about 11 years old. When we moved back to Mississippi about 4 years later, we took Pokey with us. We had been in Mississippi about a year (maybe less). The weather was cold one night and I think I remember asking my daddy would he be ok. He said he could get under the house. Needless to say my baby died that night. I am 72 years old now and crying as I write this. I don’t know why we left him outside I would never do it now. Sometimes I blame my daddy. I still grieve for him. It still breaks my heart.

    1. Hi Judy, I can totally relate to that. Because I believe these little souls have insight, like you I know my boy wonder why I did what I did because our bond was so strong. I really thought I was helping him but I made him suffer. I will never forgive me for that. All I know, is that you and I both loves our two doggies unconditionally, we gave them so much love for so long, that they never doubted our love. That is the only thing I can say that make you feel better. Something I realised about me over the weekend, is that I somehow did not want to acknowledge my boy was dying, I somehow wiped it form my brain because I could not even think about it. We do what we do when we do it and we all are only human and we make mistakes. I am sure Pokey knew how much you loved him. But this kind of thing will stay with you and me forever, regards, Thomas

      1. Thomas
        I don’t understand why you blame yourself, it’s not like you caused his suffering from what I can gather, if like you said, it’s cancer then that’s nothing to do with you and given the age of 12 yrs and him being a large dog, it’s only natural that something like cancer etc would cause him to pass, I remember my sister had a cat that developed a tumour in his face, she did everything she could operations etc, but the cancer still came back, from February 1999 when the cancer developed to him being euthanised in April 1999.
        So it really didn’t make much difference.

        It’s difficult when it comes to the end, weather we make the decision or they die naturally at home I think we always second guess ourselves?

        I had a 17yr old Dachshund, who passed away at home, I’m thinking it was “Congestive Heart Failure” as he was diagnosed with a murmur many years ago when he was younger, but it still troubled me, maybe if I’d got him to the vets sooner I would of bought him more time, it may have been 6 days, 6 months or 16 months, but it still bugs me?

        Best regards

  106. Hi, thanks so much for this forum.
    My boy Wollie was born in my own house 12 years ago. I held this tiny little Rottweiler, the runt – the size of a mouse – in my hand whilst sitting there crying. I told him, there, that he will stay with his daddy forever. He was what is called a “long haired” Rottie, both parents pedigreed, but once in a while it happens. He was beautiful, his fur the softer than a toy. For the first two weeks of the life of the litter, we sat with the puppies 24 hours a day, making sure they all get enough to eat and the mom does not by mistake lie on them. For day one, my boy was a one-person dog and his own person. He only ever looked for me, stayed behind me, followed me everywhere. When I went away on business, he was my biggest concern, will he be ok, will he be looked after. I insisted on daily pictures of him from whomever looked after him. He had his special food. Getting home at night, he was all I was interested in. Moving to London five years ago, becoming quite isolated, I lived for seeing him at night. I did not go out, that is how close to him I felt. He became 12 years old, old for a Rottie, but I believe these little souls know everything and more than we do. They can feel things. Because he was very wooly, he got hot very fast. On the day before his death, he did not want to have breakfast. Then he threw-up so I called the weekend vet, she came and injected him a muscle relaxer and me two more to give him and told me to take him to his normal vet first thing the next morning. But she warned me, and I was furious with her, that what she saw was a dog that was very ill and probably had serious condition, I believe he had advanced cancer, I suspected it for a while as he acme very think at the back so I believe he was wasting away. That evening, I gave him another injection and then he became very hot and panted a lot, still looking fine but clearly hot, so my partner suggested I put him outside for a while, keeping the door open. I decided to sleep in the lounge with him just outside. I did not realise he was dying. I did not realise I should sit with him and that he needs me. I did not realise if he was cold he could no longer walk to get in. Whether I did not want to believe it, I don’t know, but even then I believe I would have sat with him. I fell asleep and woke-up form a faint cry from him, I went outside and brought him back inside and gave him the last injection I had. I then put him down close to me and went to sleep again. It haunts me that I still did not realise he was dying. At 4,45 that morning I woke-up and knew my boy was gone, before I swatched the light on. That is how deep our connection was. I blame myself deeply for having him as the centre of my life for 12 years and not realise he needed me to sit with him that whole night. That he may have left this world thinking I do not love him or care. He was still warm, so I sat for three hours just stroking his fur. I could not cry, it took me weeks to start crying and now I cry every day. I so miss my boy and I feel so bad that I was a wonderful dad to him, but when he needed me dearly, I did not do enough to comfort him. I know it was his time, strangely, and I was happy he died in my house, not at a vet. But I feel very sad and deeply guilty. I do not believe any other living soul loved me as much, ever.

    1. “I do not believe any other living soul loved me as much, ever.” That’s how I feel about my Dempsey. What a gift he was. A gift from God.

      By the way, are you “Tommy Gun,” the boxer?

    2. OMG Thomas. I so feel your pain. If you read my previous story, that is what haunts me. Not realizing the gravity of what was going on with my sweet girl, so not with her when she passed. I anxiously await the day when I can hold her and assure her I didn’t mean to allow her to struggle through dying without me. Hope you and I and the rest of those on this site can find some peace until that day comes.

      1. Hi Joan, I believe animals are more clever and intuitive than us, I deep down know my boy knew how much I loved him for all the years of his life, the same with your girl. But it hurts a lot because I so would have wanted it to be different, rgds

    3. If ever you can have a soulmate that’s not a human, that’s the way I felt about my dog and how it seems you feel about yours. It’s very validating to have a creature need you and desire to be with you all the time. I do have 2 other sweet dogs that are helping to mend my broken heart, but they will never replace my sweet Blaze. I don’t even fully understand myself why my love for him was different from the other dogs. We were just super bonded. Hopefully, one day, when you are ready, you can find another one who will help to mend your broken heart.

    4. Thomas,
      If ever you can have a soulmate that’s not a human, that’s the way I felt about my dog and how it seems you feel about yours. It’s very validating to have a creature need you and desire to be with you all the time. I do have 2 other sweet dogs that are helping to mend my broken heart, but they will never replace my sweet Blaze. I don’t even fully understand myself why my love for him was different from the other dogs. We were just super bonded. Hopefully, one day, when you are ready, you can find another one who will help to mend your broken heart.

    5. Your story touched me the most because it is close to how I am feeling. My boy died just 3 days ago and i can’t forgive myself for not being there when he needed me. We were pretty much inseparable and I knew he had advanced cancer and I knew he wasn’t feeling good that morning but I went to work expecting to come back to him waiting to take him out at lunchtime. I was late and there he was lying dead by the door waiting for me. Was he is pain? Was he sad and thought I didn’t care? I just go over and over it. My precious boy left to die alone like that while I was wasting time and carelessly neglecting his needs. I’ll never get another chance to make the right decision.I loved my boy so much, I am completely broken.

  107. We have three Newfoundland dogs. We live on a busy street but have a large backyard. For the past 6 years we always let our dogs out free while watching them several times a day. They always knew to not go near our driveway and they where always so good about it. We know that we where still being risky and would talk about affording a fence as soon as we could. But at the same time we didn’t rush it. Two nights ago. Sunday night. I got home and immediately let them out like I always do and went to care for my son. I quickly go back to the door to check on them and don’t see Odin I run outside and start screaming and my husband quickly joins me. I then hear a loud bang and I immediately knew we killed our baby. I ran as fast as I could to the road and when I saw him he was completely still. My husband and I have never felt pain this deeply. I feel today I’m finally able to write to strangers about it. We haven’t told a soul yet because of the extreme amount of guilt we have. He was only 6 years old and was such a good boy. We went and bought long leashes for our other two dogs and it was so very painful. Wishing we had done this sooner. I keep wishing I ran for the road right away to slow cars down until we found him. I also get upset if he went charging into the road because we where yelling for him to come and he panicked to get back to us. Also the extreme guilt of not having our baby on a leash. our hearts are broken for you baby boy. We are so sorry

    1. Your story breaks my heart. I am not usually a Forum person, but like you, guilt and regret was eating me alive, so I found this site. Oddly, it has helped to hear everyone’s heartbreaking and tragic stories. You would think it would seem morbid, but I think the bottom line is this— It helps because it makes us realize we are not alone in our mistakes, not alone in our regrets, and we’re definitely not alone in our absolute love for our precious pets. It has been beautiful to see this many people caring so much and so deeply for their pets. There’s nothing I can really say to make it better. We all make mistakes and just know that you are definitely not alone in your feelings. I know that you tried your hardest to give your pet the best life possible and I’m sure he loved you deeply for that. Your dog I’m sure, was spoiled every day of his life and that’s a gift you gave to him. It took me a bit, but I did finally come to peace about my loss and I hope you will be able to as well.

  108. I never comment on these things but I don’t know where else to turn or what else to do. The guilt and anger and sadness I have within myself is eating me up.
    Side note: we’ve had this dog for about 6 months. His original owners abandoned him with some people we knew and moved, and they did take care of him and abused him so they gave him away to someone else we knew, and they constantly left him outside. So when I was over one day I just took him.
    Early Thursday morning around 5am me and my boyfriend stepped outside to smoke and my dog would always stand right next to us while we did and we would always just come back in after. As soon as we were done we started to walk in but he took off to chase after a cat. We came back in and put shoes on and spent about a hour and a half looking for him. He’s ran off before like that but always came back or we would find him in his usual potty spot.
    We walked around the apartment and went across the street and walk down a road and didn’t see him anywhere. It had rained earlier that night so I thought his sense of smell was off so I went and got my car to drive around to look.
    I was driving on the road and I pulled up and he was laying there dead. Someone hit him and didn’t stop. I started crying and screaming and I jumped out of my car and grabbed him just crying. I cradled him for two hours sobbing and apologizing.
    We buried him later that day but I haven’t eaten or slept since. I can’t help but to blame myself if I had just not gone out or just stayed on the road we found him I could’ve helped. I could’ve stopped it. I don’t know what to do. It’s lonely without him and I can’t get him out of my thoughts. He was the quirkiest, weirdest, most happy dog I’ve ever had. Someone please help.

    1. My heart breaks for you. Losing a dog is beyond heartbreaking but having the horrendous emotion of guilt is overwhelming. I put my dog to sleep last Saturday (see post below – Jen) and what I have realised is that NO MATTER how your dog eventually goes, there will always always be guilt. I would love to say something that will automatically make that guilt disappear but no matter what any one says you must come to the understanding yourself that accidents happen and that you are not to blame. You did not purposely put your puppy in harm’s way (as some people do) – but we often try to blame something or someone in order to make sense of the senseless thing that is losing a dog like that. Your grief and guilt speak volumes about your love for your dog – I am so so sorry that you lost him like this. You need to give yourself a break and I hope in time you will see that you did not do anything wrong.

    2. I am so sorry for your pain. I am also not a forum person, but my story of Zoe is down below. It’s very similar to yours. I was asked if she could play outside the fence with the other dogs, and I said yes. There is a busy road, but we’re in the country and the yard is ginormous, didn’t even imagine her going that far. At the moment she ran away…I had felt a pain and was on my phone googling kidney stone pains. I wasn’t even paying attention to my baby. Somebody else screamed. I did chase her to the road. The only difference between me and you was that I saw it all. I still foolishly thought I was in control. I was standing in the bar ditch, waving and screaming at the car a half mile away while trying to get my dog to come back to me. I saw every second of when they hit her. I prayed that when I ran to her, that she was gone because I didn’t want her to feel that pain. I still blame myself for not crossing the highway and grabbing her. And for trusting her in the first place. 10 minutes before she died, she scared herself and jumped on my lap and I told her she was safe and that she should go play with the other dogs. It’s been 20 months. Zoe’s death taught me that we’re not in control, no matter how much we think we are. Zoe destroyed me, which made me rebuild myself and become more resilient. I feel more than I did before Zoe, and that’s a gift I will always be grateful for. When I held her body, I swore to her that she did not die in vain and I would become a better, more compassionate person. She gave me the gift of strength and trust that no matter how dark it is, everything will be ok.

      I felt compelled to write to you because I feel it’s similar with you. I understand the blaming yourself. But you weren’t in control. And you would never put your baby in harm’s way. You wouldn’t have been able to stop it, it was her time. And honestly, it’s a blessing to not see the moment it happens. You are an amazing dog parent and your baby knows how much you loved them. They died playing, and it was was so quick, they had no idea what happened, I promise. God bless, you’re in my prayers.

  109. I never post on forums but I need an outlet to cope with with the guilt that I’m feeling. I put my 16 year old border collie/springer spaniel (first baby) to sleep yesterday. It was the right time for her to go. She was double incontinent, on a lot of tablets and we tried everything to stop the inevitable progression of old age and the hardship it brings with it. Yesterday I was focused on being there for her on her final journey. Today I am overwhelmed with guilt-not with putting her to sleep. I know it was the right decision before the real suffering set in but over her final few years. We’ve had two babies in the last 4 years and I feel she was completely demoted in our lives. Sleep deprivation, the stresses of rearing small kids and small living space meant that I would sometimes get frustrated with her and give out or put her out in the garden. Because she was aging she had a habit of standing in front of us leading to more shouting etc. She was the most most gentle soul and always took the shouting or giving out so gracefully. Also, she wasn’t brought with us to as many places as she would have been before we had the kids and walks weren’t as frequent as before as she was slowing down and trying to contend with a baby and toddler and a dog sometimes got the better of me. I am completely guilt-ridden over how the last years of her life were and I felt she deserved so much more. She was the center of my world until 4 years ago and I swore I would never be that person that would give their dogs less time once kids came along. Unfortunately I underestimated how chaotic life becomes when children comes along. I’m just wondering if any one else out there felt a similar way when they put their dog to sleep? The heartbreak of losing my best friend is awful but the guilt of not giving her what she deserved in her final years is so much harder to deal with. Thanks for reading this.

    1. Life does change for sure when babies come along. I lost was my first dog that was really just mine as an adult, and he was like my child. He was only 11 and a small dog so I thought I’d have many more years with him. He got a brain tumor & it was heartbreaking to watch him deal with it. I had also given birth to my first child earlier that year. He did get demoted from the bed after I got married ( he always slept with me before when I was single.) I don’t feel he got neglected much when I had my baby, so my guilt is different from yours. But I had guilt because I couldn’t save him & guilt because I ultimately killed him. I know that people say euthanasia is the gift you need to give your dog but I still couldn’t accept it. When the time came I was too emotionally weak to go with him. I couldn’t face seeing him dead. My husband and mom were with him when he passed, but of course I never forgave myself for not being with him since I was the most important person to him. The guilt is so hard to get past, but I think we all just have to remember that they had such a great life because of us. I’m sure your dog still loved you unconditionally and loved your kids too. Maybe in her mind she had more family to take care of now, rather than feel neglected by you.

  110. About a week ago I lost my beloved cat. She had vestibular disease and every few years she would have an episode of dizziness and clumsiness. This time she went off her food which was not normal for her at all, I ended up having to hand feed her because it was too hard for her to eat on her own while having the dizziness. We were doing well with it and I thought we had it down pat so she could just let the episode run it’s course like it had in the past. But then on the day she died when I picked her up and put her on my lap she started breathing really heavy. I let her go and she stumbled around panting like she couldn’t get any air. I tried to comfort her but I could tell she was dying. I feel so bad I couldt help her in her last moments when she was gasping for air. I held her as she died in my arms. It was a horrible end for her and I think she was in pain because in her last moments she was actually moaning every time she exhaled. She was so precious to me and I feel horrible for not being able to help her more at the end. She was only 11.5 years old and I’m so heartbroken.

    1. I’m so, so very sorry you had to go through that. Unfortunately i lost my sweet, perfect cat in a similar way 5 weeks ago. He was perfect and my baby and I am so heartbroken and torn up with grief, guilt, and regret with how bad his last few minutes were. I completely panicked and I don’t feel like I comforted him with those last few breaths because everything was so unexpected. You sound like an amazing pet parent and I hope you can find comfort in knowing how great you were to you baby and the wonderful life you gave her.

  111. I adopted my dog from animal control at 6 months old and he immediately became my whole world. A little over a year after getting him I moved cross country with my boyfriend. A year after being there we introduced another 6 month old rescue. My boyfriend and I broke up and I ended up keeping the new pup. I moved back across country with both dogs. Got a new place and room mates. For the first couple years things were fine, but always hectic. I had a hard time balancing jobs, life, and my pups. My first boy, Roscoe begin to have seizures. They diagnosed him with epilepsy. I got a second opinion, they put him on more drugs. His seizures were all grand Mal and terrifying. This past July 2018, when he was 6 years old, my baby Roscoe went into a seizure and wasnt coming out, I rushed him to the emergency vet where he died. All I can think is about all the times I gave him his meds late (3 times a day, every 8 hours) i had friends, rm mates, co workers , helping me administer the meds to work with my schedule. But with out fail every week I’d miss a dose here and there or give it to him late. I also wish I had of had some sort of ct scan or something done. We did do x Ray’s and saw nothing which led to the epilepsy diagnosis. Since his death I’ve done so much more research and have been beating myself up for not doing it while he was still alive. And wonder if I put him in stressful situations that may have caused the seizures. And I’ll never know. I miss him every second of every day.

  112. My boyfriends and I having been planning and looking forward to getting a puppy since last May. We were prepared and planned it perfectly. We knew we wanted a lab. We got out lab puppy Jan 15, 2019. But in February 5th, 2019 he choked to death on my watch. At least that’s what I think happened. We didn’t even have him for a month yet. One day he grabbed my resistance band and we started to play tug of war with it which he loved. I never thought anything bad of him chewing on it. Well, last night after work I let him out the kennel and played with him a little. He seemed fine playful and happy. My bf is in the military so he was on watch all night and wasn’t home. I turned on much show to watch and my puppy Jax was in the kitchen the last time I checked playing with the resistance band. But this time the resistance band was torn apart a few days ago so now it was a single role shape rather than a circle. Still thought it was fine. Then all of a sudden he started heaving and acted like he need to throw up. Which he has done before. He kept doing it and then he lost consciousness so that’s whenever I started to panic. I didn’t know what to do. All I could think was that I need to get him to a emergency vet right away but when I picked him up he already felt dead weight. So I called my mom and stepdad to come over as I watched him just lay there dying in front of my eyes. This all happened within 5-10min. My stepdad put his fingers down his throat after and didn’t feel or find anything. And there was some blood or foam mixed with the color of the resistance band since it was a light red color. We think He swallows a piece of the rubber and it got stuck in his asphogus. I feel guilty because I should have never let him have that resistance band since it was rubber and not a puppy chew toy. I should have reacted faster and done cpr or pay him on the back. Maybe he would have a chance. It could have been prevented and that’s the worse part. And it was on my watch.

    1. That sounds exactly what happened to my chihuahua I was eating Walnut and I think somehow got some shells and I think she choked on it or she I’m not sure if she was choking or just coughing she was vomiting and also look like she was spitting up blood in the end so I’m not sure she lost consciousness also in collapsed I tried to reach down to see if anything was there nothing was there so it’s no way of knowing like you said unless it was caught in the esophagus I also blame myself I feel so bad I went for a second to lay down cuz I had a huge headache I went to let her eat her dog food as usual and when she came back she was different she would answer her bed and she kept hacking coughing really bad but I’m not even sure what it was but she choking on something or was that her throat collapsed in small breed dogs like Chihuahuas that happens well I don’t know if she had a heart problem I don’t know what it was but she seemed like she was hacking coughing more than choking but she exhibited some of the symptoms you said wow is good to find someone that kind of went through the same thing I went through it helps a lot hearing your your thoughts cuz I go through the same thing wondering what if. I also watched her die too but at the same time trying to save her life it’s devastating and it still haunts me also so it’s no way of knowing that would have happened to her or him try to find peace in that someone told me after she died this may help you to you did the best you could you loved her you care for her as good as you could sometimes mistakes just happen.

      1. It’s nice hearing a similar story. I just wish and regret not acting fast enough and the unknow if maybe I could have saved his life if I gave cpr or yanked him upside down. Rather than my emotions getting the best of me and watching him die. Lesson learned and I am definitely going to make sure I know how to do cpr so I can be prepared if this were to happen again. It still bothers me that I don’t know exactly what it is. It makes sense if he choked but I did it see or find anything so who knows

        1. Yes I know after much. Research I’m. Realizing I. Have came to the realization. That she must. Have died from a heart problem. Because some dogs have heart. Issue their quiet hardly. Any. Symptoms Fluid most. Have. Filled. Her lungs and she. Couldn’t. Breath. I tried everything. Did the the Heimlich maneuver had her upside but then I. Realized coughing and gaging sounds like choking But aren’t dogs that have heart issues gag and cough that have heart problems dry. Coughg sounds like choking. I. Thought it was. Tracheal collapse for so long but researched heart problems in my Chihuahua in the stuff that they can get and I saw the symptoms for heart failure and heart problems and it matched right up her collapsing and keep fainting or signs of it so it could very well have happened to your dog to but isn’t much easier finding out what it truly was it almost hurts more is like you’re reliving it over and over again cuz it’s so hard at least we know we weren’t responsible for it but we didn’t get our dogs there in time to the vet is what kills us but I’m dealing with it and as time goes on I hope it’ll get easier thanks for responding.

    2. Sierra,
      Please don’t blame your self, I don’t think there is any evidence from what I can see of your dog choking on the resistance band, he could of had some underlying heart condition that caused him to pass out.

      Best regards

  113. My best friend Maverick passed away suddenly fly one week ago tonight. It had been. 12 days since his neuter surgery. The vet had prescribed him multiple pills. One of them made my dog very sick – the vet was closed so I sought advice from another vet. They said to stop giving him that certain medication. I did. I spoke with my vet when they were open and they prescribed .e something else. Seven days later on my dogs last day of the pills he died. Suddenly. He collapsed lost all bowel control and I am certain he had organ failure due to the pills given. I am waiting for autopsy results. Maverick was only 4 he was my world. And I can’t help but feel profusely guilty that I gave my dogs the medicine that killed him. I called my vet many times with his symptoms of vomitting not eating and even shaking and they ASSURED me it was all normal reaction to a neuter and pulls and not to worry. After he died I did my own research and turns out NSAIDs kill dogs often. Why would my vet prescribe my beloved dog something that would kill him. I will never forgive myself for not getting my dog checked out by a second opinion. I would give anything to go back in time and not give him the extra medication the vet prescription bed. I feel like I let my dog down.

    1. I am so sorry for your loss, Maggie. GUilt often accompanies grief. You did nothing wrong. You were following the orders of the vet. Obviously even the vet did not know how Maverick wwouould react to the medication. NSAIDs are Non-Steroudal Antiinflammatory drugs which are used to reduce inflammation. You have probably used NSAIDS yourself such as Advil. I understand how you must be feeling because I accidentally did a medication error that killed my 17 year old Poodle. I gave him Predisone which is steroid and is lethal to dogs. It was the cat’s medication which I accidentally gave to Coco. Coco started to get weak and stopped drinking and eating which I attributed to dying naturally due to old age. I was devestatedwwhen wwI noticed the med error after Coco died. I had so much sself-condemnation and regret. It took a long time to forgive myself so that I could heal. COco died April 2017. Please be kind to yoursekf. Maverick wants you hapoy. You will fet through this and come to a place of healing but first you need to forgive yourself. Again, I don’t believe it is yiur fault but it does not matter what I think, what matters is what you think. There is such a thing as false guilt and I belive that is what you are feeling. I care and God bless you. Edna

  114. Hi, my name is Kathryn and my dog’s name was Daisy. She was actually my older sister’s dog and she had let me in charge of her while she went to go live in Argentina for 6 months. Daisy was an incredibly sweet, loving dog. She was so obedient and this might be because she was scared of everything – even upsetting us. I don’t have a lot of experience with dogs, so the day before she died I gave her a cooked pork bone, not realizing how harmful they are to dogs. I wish I could go back in time and change that. The next morning she was fine but by 2pm there was blood in her stool and then she had bloody diarrhea. My dad and brother took her to the ER and they suggested an operation of $1000 or putting her down because she was far along. I told them to bring her home so we could be with her when she passed or take her to her local vet if she survived the night. But Daisy was already brain dead. Although her eyes were open and her heart was beating, she wouldn’t react or follow us with her gaze. By 8pm that day, she passed away. It was trauamatic for all of us. Just the day before she had been playing with me, she went to pick up my brother from school two days prior – life was perfect in our home. But I feel so guilty for what I did, I wish I had questioned what I gave her. I wish I had taken better care of my family member. I wish I could’ve avoided all this pain and hurt. Daisy was a rescue, five years old and died on February 2, 2019. I’ll never stop loving her.

    1. I think I have the same mistake like yours. I gave my dog chicken which had garlic on it. And garlic poisoned my dog. He died after 4 days. I didn’t know that I did wrong until now, when I did some research about garlic. Don’t know when I will feel better, but just want to say that, you’re not alone.

  115. I accidentally killed my dear dog yesterday, he was just a little Puppy. He was holding him while standing and I accidentally drop him from my arms. It was the most terrifying, horrifying moment I have ever felt. I saw him dying in my own arms, I was very shocked and couldn’t hold the guilt. I was screaming and went to the vet right away. I was giving him CPR and mouth to mouth breathe on the way, checking his heart beat and feeling his breathe. But there was none. The doctor tried giving him cpr and adrenaline shots but it was too late. He was gone.

    I tried to accept his death but can’t, it was because of me. I should’ve hold him tighter, I should’ve never drop him from my arms. I blame myself for what happened and i deserve all the blame and guilt. But i never wish any of this to happen, I want him to live a long life. I want him to die old in peace. I just want to say I love you to him one last time, i want to feel his kisses one last time. I tried so hard to accept his death but the guilt and pain kept adding up everytime he flew on my kind.

    Shoyu, Mommy loves you❤️ May you be in peace in heaven.

    1. Rachel, I hear your pain and I am deeply sorry for your loss. Accidents happen and some accidents are tragic like yours. You meant no harm to your fur baby. We always want to protect our oets and when we have been invovled in their death (even if it was an accident) we are devestated beyond belief. You did what you could to preserve the life of your pet and for readons unknown to us your dog still died. Please be kind to yourself and k ow that your sweet baby does not hold tthis against you and wants you to feel happy. You will get through this and eventually will feel better but for healing to occurr you have to forgive yourself and let go of self-condemnation. Foforgiveness is a choice and you may need to forgive yourself many times over before you start to accept that you did the best you could at the time. You are not a bad person. Hugs

  116. Bella was only a month and a half old when we got her. She was the light of my life. We have another pup shadow who was actually Bella’s father. It was so awesome having a little piece of him carried on. We new when it was his time we would still have a little piece of him left in Bella. That all traumatically changed the day after my birthday. The week before then Bella fell ill. She suddenly had a seizure which resulted in her going blind. My fiance gave her CPR to bring her back. Even though she didn’t have her sight she seemed to be okay. We didn’t have the money to bring her to the vet so we tried our best to nurse her back to health. Hoping her sight would eventually come back, I did every bit of research I could to figure out what was wrong with her. I googled for hours on end trying to piece things together and find something that made sense. Reached out on facebook to everyone I knew who worked with animals, made her a fundraiser page. She was still walking around and eating/ acting like a puppy so I figured even though she might never have her sight, we would get through it and she would still be a normal puppy regardless. On what we thought was her road to recovery, her eyes started to get dark, possibly infected. We put antibiotics around her eyes hoping it would help. Again she was still acting like her normal happy-go-lucky puppy self, giving me snuggles and kisses every day. I did my best to be verbal and snap my fingers as I was walking to help her better get around the house and feel comfortable. I would sing to her every night as I snuggled her before I put her in her kennel. I would do anything for one last time to hold and sing to her. The night before my birthday my sister brought me home after picking up my niece. She cried for me as she would always do when she heard my voice after coming home. With my 2 year old niece there and her still recovering I didn’t want to take her out and risk her getting hurt. It got late and I never took her out that night to snuggle and sing to her. Little did I know when I got home that was the last cry I would hear from her. It haunts me. What if that was her cry for help and I didn’t come to take care of her? I should’ve went to her. The next day was my birthday and I rushed out the door since I was already late for work (my fiance usually took care of her while I was working) When I got off we went out to Dinner to celebrate and were out pretty late, again as soon as I got home I went straight to bed. No snuggle/singing sesh. The next morning I realized I didn’t remember hearing her crying the night before when I got home so I went to go check on her. I tapped on the kennel door, usually I would see her little black ears perk up and hear her sniffing for me. This morning, nothing. I go into panic mode and rip the entire top off of the kennel. When I went to slightly shake her to see if she was just sleeping hard or not feeling good, Cold. I’ll never forget that feeling. Physically or emotionally. It freezes me to my core. Just, Cold. On the brink of hysteria, but trying my best to keep my composure I gently shake my fiance awake. He looks at me with tears in my eyes and all I could mutter out was “Shes cold.” I saw his whole body slump over. I fall apart. I just embrace him as tight as I can and we both lose it holding each other. We went for a long ride that day. It was too quiet. I’ve beat myself everyday up to this point trying to think what I should’ve done, that I didn’t try hard enough. I cant even ask my fiance if he took her out on my birthday cause what if he didn’t? What if she passed the night before and we just left her there? I do remember him saying “I saw her laying there but I always check for her breathing” that’s all we talked about it. Tonight while laying in bed it finally all fell together, as i clutched the teddy bear my boyfriend got me for my birthday that I put her tiny pink collar on, antifreeze. F***ing antifreeze. I remembered the night of her first seizure she rode with us after my fiance finished a job (he’s a mechanic) and I remembered him telling me a bottle of transmission fluid spilled all over the truck and I helped him wipe down everything the best we could at the time. I remember putting her in the floorboard since our other dog was going crazy at passing cars and me just being tired and ready to go home. she’d always fall asleep if I put her in the floorboard. I thought briefly about the antifreeze in the floorboard but I was naive . “It wont hurt her” “There’s barely any there, she’ll be fine she’s a tough pup” Welp. Thats what it was. After googling the effects of antifreeze poisoning in dogs, perfect match. I seriously put her down there without even taking a second to see if it could hurt her. Assumption is literally deadly. I feel so stupid, so careless. How could she ever forgive me if I couldn’t even take 2 seconds to google if something I deliberately let her get in contact with could KILL her. What does that say about how much I care? I’ve learned my lesson and I don’t know if i ever deserve to be a dog mom again. She was 3 months old. I just hope she can forgive me and will still be happy to see me when we meet again at the rainbow bridge. I’m sorry Bella. I promise I love you.

  117. I decided to get my 4 year old son a puppy this last Christmas as he adores dogs. Jasper was a cavalier cross and a very sweet, loving puppy.

    Even though we live on a quarter acre he has always been very cautious, he has always stayed close to the house or even on the front deck when he has to potty. I noticed him getting slightly more adventurous so I decided to do some work on our fence so he couldn’t escape, I knew there were coyotes in our area. I got part of it done, but I knew some areas needed more work to be secure.

    That evening I let the pup out for a pee and continued making dinner. I remember the thought that Jasper was still outside and I should let him in crossed my mind, but I became distracted with making dinner, and answering messages on my phone. I wasn’t in a very good mood at the time.

    I forgot him out there for probably about half an hour. When I remembered to go get him from the yard he was no where to be found. My son and searched and called for him for hours but we never found him.

    The following morning I found evidence that a coyote or some other wild animal had killed him in a field near our house. I feel extremely regretful for letting him out alone when I knew the fence wasn’t good enough. I don’t know if a coyote got in our yard or if Jasper got out I just wish so much that I’d finished the fence. I wish I didn’t forgot him out there. I should have been outside with him. The puppy was only 3 months old and barely got to experience life because of my poor decisions. I feel so guilty that my careless actions caused my 4 year child pain, this puppy brought him so much joy.

    I am sorry to everyone here who has lost a pet. It hurts.

  118. I was a stupid 10 year old and I left the door open cuz my gma and mom where talking so i wanted to hear my dog ran out in between my legs cuz I was out in for t of my door and they didnt notice I was following her with my eyes then a car came and hit her I screamed and screamed unroll my mom noticed what happened I ran in the house non stop crying and yelling 2 my dad and I remember he told me if she makes it thro this he’ll let her go on his bed and he went out and told me do not look WHAT DID I DO LOOK and it broke her rib she was a pancake then my mom and gma brought to the vet my brother came right after it happened and I sat in his lap and cryed then my mom called to tell us if she was ok I saw my brothers face then was about to cry again when he told me “she’s not gonna make it” I lost some of my heart she was my bff of ten years I ran in my room and I swear time slowed down I sat in a coner and cried then my brother and sister in law came after me and yelled I NEVER BE HAPPY AGAIN and almost broke my phone and I wasnt wrong that was a year ago and I have depression and not to help but 3 months be4 I lost my friend to cancer 2 mother be4 I lost my cousin a month be4 or after I lost my great gma

    1. Alyssa, for a 10 year old- heck any year old- that is a lot of emotional baggage to deal with. Know this- your dog loved you, his death was an accident (as can happen to ANYONE) and not your fault. You are so young to deal with this (i think i was 12 when my hamster died) and it is a HUGE shock to realise that death is real and permanent. As a much older person than you who has dealt with many pet losses and depression for many more years let me tell you that there is no shame in asking for help. If that means a course of anti depressants, or a course with a counsellor- i advocate both. To live with this hurt from such a young age will not make it get better with time, nor make you any better at dealing with it in the future (and deal with it you will, as i guess like me you will continue to have pets). Ask for support and know everyone on here is with you! 🙂

  119. Hi everyone, My names Berenice and I’m 17. Just yesterday I lost my dog, she was a small dog and I had her for 2 years. At first I was only taking care of her for a family friend but then she was given to me by them when I grew attatched. One day I had thought I lost my dog to the streets when I couldn’t find her and I sobbed for 5 minutes until I found her inside my moms car. She jumped in there on accident when she came home from work and we found her when her face was on the window. But Yesterday, Jan 20, it happened again. We let her out to go to the restroom and she does this almost everyday and she usually comes back a few minutes later, but that didnt happen this time. I didn’t notice she went out until my parents asked where she was. We went searching for her around the neighborhood and the finall found her. She was clean almost as if nothing had haappened to her but she wasn’t breathing. I have no Idea what happened to her. I ran home to my dad and started crying. I dont understand how she died. She wasnt cut or bruised or anything. And I began blaming myself yesterday, I could’ve done something, if only I payed more atteention she could still be alive right now, and all day yesterday and right now Ive been crying, my eyes literally burn and as of 9:26pm I have been reading these articles to try and get rid of this guilt thats making me want to hurt myself. But reading this article helped me. I loved my dog so much and I know she loved me. I forgive her for peeing on the floors, jumping on the tables, tearing all my clothes and she forgives me for leaving the house, coming home late and ignoring her when I got mad at her. And I know that right now she is having a blast in heaven with her new friends eating her brains out and tearing all the clothes. She is resting in peave telling me to forgive myself like I’ve always forgave her. Thank you so much for listening to me ramble. Im currently crying while writing this and im hoping they are relieved tears.

    1. Hi Berenice. I am so sorry for your loss. The love you had for your dog is evident. Grieve as long as you want. Sometimes it is hard for other people to understand the bond you have with your pet. It will get easier. I lost my boy 8 months ago and I still cry every time I read these sad stories. I don’t mind though because it makes me remember the good times we did have. God bless you

  120. I appreciate this website very much. I am very sorry for all of your loses. Honestly until 5 years ago I was never a pet owner so when friends have told me of pets that had passed away, I didn’t know how to respond. Boy do I ever now. A couple of weeks ago we brought our baby boy into the vet to have a mast cell tumor removed from deep under his skin. It was supposed to be routine and we lost our little 5 year old pug on the table due to his heart seizing from the anesthesia. To say we are heartbroken, like all of you, is an understatement. If we didn’t bring him in that day he’d still be with us. The guilt is so strong right now. All he wanted to do is go back to my brothers arms and we let him go.The feelings of picturing him wondering where we were when the vet tech took him in the back room is nearly too much to bare. Was he scared? Did he think we abandoned him? The only reason we took him was because of our huge love for him, and the goal to extend his life and more importantly improve the quality of his life by removing potentially metastatic cancer was our sole priority. and this outcome being the exact opposite result, is just unbelievable pain. I would appreciate your thoughts that may have not been mentioned yet on how you get through this terrible time. Thank you for listening.

    1. That is the problem I am having. It has been a month since my little one passed at the emergency vet and the thoughts of what she must have been thinking haunts me. I always said that if the time ever came when I had to put down my pet, it would be done at home. A place where she was comfortable, not at the vet where she was always scared. Well, that was not the situation that ended up surrounding her passing. When I left her at the emergency vet hospital, I never even had a thought she would not survive. I have no solutions to this heartbreaking grief. I have lost faith in what is “fair” and Gods plan. I can only tell you that I’ve been trying to remind myself what a good fur baby Mom I was and how my Chloe must have known that through her life with me. She was happy and I hope her last thoughts of me were those happy times. This is something I must hold on too. I know how hard this is for you, but we can’t go back and change things, but only hopefully, entertain happier memories as time goes on.

      1. I feel the pain your pain. I lost my beloved Maddie at the vet hospital. She had pyometra, a fatal infection of the uterus. We decided on surgery, despite the risks because of her advanced age, since we lost another dog to the same disease years back. She survived the surgery but had fever and breathing problems right after. My husband and I spent the night with her at the hospital and watched her suffer through the high fever while gasping for breath until her poor heart gave up. I watched her take her last breath without any of the hospital staff in attendance. The vets went home for the night leaving a night staff that didn’t know Maddie was dying. I’ve never felt so helpless in my life. It has been 6 months and I still cannot get over the trauma of putting Maddie through anxiety, pain and death. I still wake up seeing her face while recounting her last hours, filled with so much guilt and remorse. I pray she can find it in her heart to forgive me for what I made her go through and I pray that I can eventually forgive myself. I

      2. This is EXACTLY what happened to me on January 14. He hadn’t been ill, and then it happened fast and he passed at the ER vet after I came home and went to bed ( although slept like crap from the worry) because the vet said he’d be fine. I’m haunted because I was not there, they took him back quickly because it was a breathing issue, and I never asked to go back and see him and never said goodbye. I was trying to be a rule follower and be strong in that moment, but now I have so many regrets. I feel I should have been more forceful, more of an advocate. It has been gut wrenching and almost made me physically ill. I can’t think about his last hours alone and scared and feeling bad. All I could do was lots of prayer and self talk to try to release some of the guilt. It has been so very difficult.

        1. Just curious, how old was your little man and did they give you the cause of his passing? Sounds so much like my situation. My thoughts to you.

          1. Joan,
            He did test positive for a tick born Illness-Ehrlichia. But I’m skeptical if that was the root cause. The reason I took him in was for extremely fast breathing. His blood count was down but not scary low. His platelets were really low however. I believe he died of congestive heart failure due to fluid on the lungs. However I don’t know why he had fluid. He had literally never been ill. We have a very safe environment for our dogs so I know it was not a poisoning or contamination. I feel he wasn’t treated in an emergent enough way. I’m an RN, so it’s natural for me to question. However, I was so distraught, that I made the decision not to go get his records afterwards. I believe it would just anger me to read, because I don’t feel they did all they could have done for him. I won’t sue, and nothing will bring him back. So I decided to save myself the anguish and not try to keep questioning as it was just too upsetting. He was only 6. The only symptoms he had prior was some diluted mystery bleeding occasionally on the bedsheets, but his teeth were getting bad and I believed the blood was coming from that. In fact, he had a dental scheduled for the very morning he died. I’m so sorry for your loss. It seems we were all looking for some comfort in finding this site…

        2. Holli,
          How long had your little man had issues with his teeth, I know dental disease can cause heart issues, but at 6 yrs I didn’t think he would be old enough unless he had some heart issue since birth?

          Best regards

          1. Only in about the last 6 months has his teeth really gotten bad enough I thought he required a dental. And there was never any heart trouble or murmurs

        3. Holli,
          Take care, you are worth taking care of, I think no matter what happens we always blame ourselves, no matter how old our pets are when they leave us, even though my dog was old, I still have a hard time letting go.
          The bond we share with our dogs is unique for each of us.

          Best regards

        4. I’m so sorry! This same thing happened to my dog on Friday. She had been having a very hard time breathing for the past week. I took her to our vet who said he heard a heart murmur for the first time. I was confused. Where did that come from? We had been struggling with a Cushings diagnosis for the past 6 months so I thought the heavy breathing was caused by that. I was waiting for her Cushings meds to come in the mail so we could start treating it. I took her to another vet on Friday for a chest X-ray/ultrasound. She was breathing really hard but I thought she was just nervous. The vet was going to put her in an oxygen kennel to get her to calm down for her to listen to her heart. We left and the vet was going to call me in a bit. I took my kids to PetSmart to get more dog food and the vet called while we were checking out. She had gone into respiratory distress. Her X-ray showed her lungs were full of fluid and her trachea was collapsing. There was nothing she could do and we would have to come back to the clinic and say good bye! I was in complete shock. I wasn’t expecting anything that wasn’t fixable. I have been blaming myself. Why didn’t I do something sooner? I should have known something was seriously wrong. It’s gut wrenching. I still don’t even know why she died. It could have been heart failure or cancer. Was the heart disease caused by not treating her Cushings fast enough? I feel like our vet should have been on top of it. I trusted him. Maybe I am looking for someone to blame.

          1. You raise a valid point, as have others here and elsewhere. Just based on my own experience, veterinary care (particularly of the emergency variety) can leave a great deal to be desired. You can’t blame yourself for that. None of us can.

    2. I put rat poison in my garage to control mice. My dog got into it and died yesterday. I loved tha little guy more than I could ever express and am devastated. I was dumb and irresponsible and brought a tremendous amount of pain to me and my family. It’s very hard to deal with. Prayers for you.

      1. Hi David, I gave my dog food with garlic, then garlic poisoned my dog. I did not know that garlic can kill dogs. I don’t know what to say because I still extremely feel guilty now, but you’re not alone. I hope our pets forgive our stupic mistake and RIP.

        1. Tina,
          Garlic is only bad in large amounts, like seriously “LARGE” amounts… Garlic is actually good for respiratory health, I had a Dachshund that was given supplements from a company called “Denes”, and one supplement was “Garlic Oil Capsules”.

          Check out the links, have a read, see what you think… may ease your mind?

          Best regards

          1. Hi David,
            Thank you for the information. It was chicken with garlic with I bought from a restaurant. I don’t know how much garlic that the cooker put in chicken, but maybe not much as large raw garlic cloves allowance. I feel much better now.

  121. I posted my story earlier today, after reading a few of the other stories. Then, I had a long cry and went to hug my other puppies. I just came back to read more comments, and I just want to say that it has helped me immensely to hear other’s stories. No one really understands another’s life experience or pain, unless they have experienced it themselves. My friend’s and family have been kind and compassionate, but I know that they don’t really understand how it felt to lose Tiny. Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories, pain and grief. Although we will never meet, knowing that there are others out there who ‘get it’ is helpIng ease the pain.

    1. I agree Caroline. I’ve actually been really surprised at how much this has helped me. It also has taken my grief and emotions off of my family having to deal with it all. It’s nice being able to discuss it elsewhere.

  122. It’s been seven months since Tiny died and I still struggle with his death. My two dogs mated and had puppies. Abby (the mom) had six puppies and I helped bring them all into the world. Five were normal size and healthy. Tiny was half the size of his siblings, but seemed quite strong and healthy. I stayed with the mom and puppies 24/7, making sure that Tiny was nursing every two hours around the clock. I took Tiny to the vet every day for subcutaneous fluids to keep him hydrated. I made a tiny sweater for him, because he had to be kept at 100*F to keep growing. I was hyper vigilant about everything…. temperature, feeding, bowel functions. Day 5… we went to the vet for subcutaneous fluids. Tiny had doubled his weight. The vet was very impressed with my efforts and said that he did not need any more fluids. Now, we had to wait four weeks to see if Tiny would be able to digest normal dog food. I was ecstatic!! I put Abby and the six puppies back in the carrier and headed home, calling a friend to say how happy and relieved I was that Tiny was going to be ok. I got home and carried the dog crate up to the whelping closet. I let Abby out of the crate and then picked up each puppy and put them back in the whelping box. Tiny was the last one out. I picked him up and pulled him out. He was lifeless and limp. He was gone. I was in shock, but screamed and cried. Then, I thought I should try CPR, so I covered his mouth and nose with my mouth and made small puffs into him. But I forgot to do compressions. I forgot. I forgot to rub him hard to make him breathe. I forgot. Tiny died and is buried in my backyard, with a small headstone.
    Everyone tells me that it’s not my fault and that I did everything I could to save him. But did I? I should have known not to put him in the crate with the others. I had already had to pull puppies out from under the mom, while in the whelping box. I should have known. I should have studied puppy CPR more. I should have remembered it better. I should have tried longer to revive him. I should have saved him. Somehow. I kept the other five puppies and often think of how Tiny should be there with them. I don’t think of him every day anymore, but still often, and when I do, I go over all of it in my head… I should have known this, I should have done that…I should have, I should have…. I cry and grieve all over again. I don’t know how to let it go. I should… i’m a psychologist. Some things you just never get over.

  123. We lose our baby girl Bella on 05/01/19.
    I was taking all three of my dogs to the park. Usually, I put all my dogs on a leash but for some reason that past week we stopped doing that because they were pretty good with our recalls. They normally jump into our car on command and go to the front door in command.
    That day, only one of my dogs were on a leash because he just had a leg surgery.
    When we got home, i was holding onto the leash while I let the two out of the car. We proceeded to walk to the front door when suddenly a cat acrossed the road meowed.
    The next thing I know my two dogs off leashed ran across the road, ive never even seen them cross the road before.
    They were both hit by a car , but only Bella passed away.
    I feel completely responsibile and the guilt is killing me.
    I should have put on the leash.

  124. I am glad you have found some comfort and suppirt by writing and posting to this site. Guilt is often part of the grieving process. Eventually you will feel better. This too shall pass. You will be left with a scare the wound will heal.

  125. On September 17th of this past year my husband and I made the sudden and difficult decision to put our 8 year old Yorkie. It happened incredibly fast… We took him to the vet because he was lethargic and not moving well and they found fluid in his lungs. They sent us to the ER vet. They explained to us what they thought it could be — most signs pointing to cancer. They tested the fluid and determined it was blood and stated it was either cancer or blunt force trauma were the causes. We made the decision to bring Mr. B home and care for him here mostly due to the cost. We took him to the regular vet in the morning and she looked at him and said he was stable. We brought him home again on Sunday he was in so much pain and distress my husband took him back to the ER vet. The doctor that night was convinced it was cancer. We have two children under the age of 3 and the testing was expensive. We made the impossible decision to put him down. Unfortunately shortly after we came back I received a call from the emergency vet with test results from the fluid that was drawn (which we forgot were coming). We decided to not hear the results. I had remembered shortly after the call that I had triped over Mr. B in the kitchen it was pretty bad he yelped. I had a hot pan in my hands and was moving fast and had no idea my pup was at my feet. I cannot get the idea that it could have possibly been my fault out of my mind. I feel like we made the decision so fast too fast but he was in so much pain and the idea of trying to keep him safe from 2 young toddlers was impossible. I just keep wondering what if I had remembered the tripping earlier what if something could have been done? Did we make the decision to fast… I have two young boys to care for and the guilt and uncertainty is eating me up inside. I also feel an extra bit of guilt because the past 2 years he has been cared for but I didn’t always have the time for him he became low man on the totem pole next to my two boys. This sight has helped in knowing I am not alone…

  126. I lost my beloved cat of 13 years on January 11. When I adopted him I made a promise to him that I would give him the best life I could provide and take care of him the best I could. He was strong and healthy and lived all of his days outside during the day and inside at night. Over the past year, his desire to go outside diminished. We would only let him out when he requested. His time outside became a routine of 30 minutes in the morning after he ate half his breakfast. He would come back each morning like clockwork and finish the other half. We were aware of Coyotes in the neighborhood and saw one alone twice on our street. We live in an urban area with woods about 1/4 miles away. We witnessed a violent attack of some feral cats by a pack of Coyotes 3 years ago. We rationalized that the Coyotes we have seen lately were solo and with our cat’s experience with the outdoors could surely take care of himself. On Friday morning, we let our cat out innocently as usual. Only this time he never returned. I feel like I let him down. I promised I would take care of him and I knowingly put him in harms way. This morning, I experienced an attack on a neighbors dog. I heard the screeching and howling. In less than a minute it was all over and quiet again. My husband and I went to investigate but there was no trace. I do know that my cat would forgive me as we shared a bond of love and I have given all the love I could for the time we had together.

  127. I lost my dear yesterday. It was an accident caused by me. I can’t stop crying and blaming myself, because i ran over him! Yesterday morning I drove home to my parents place, where my 2 dogs, my babies, live. I stopped the car to chat with my dad, I was sitting behind the wheel, one of the dogs jumped to my lap (they are brothers) and this made my other dog jealous. They often fight a little bit, but this time they went crazy, finally my dad seperated them and we thought thats it. 5 mins later i start driving again, i had only like 100-200 meters to drive, i was driving very slowly. Our dogs ALWAYS for years have had this habit of running alongside the car when we leave home or come home, they run quite close to the car, but we all thought they know what they were doing since they’ve been doing this for years, of course i was careful, everyone always is. But i guess there was still some bad blood between them, they started fighting again while running next to the car i was driving, suddengly i feel like i drove over a bump, stopped the car, looked in the mirror only to see one of my dogs on his back struggling, and the other one was still mad so he started attacking the dog laying on the ground. We seperated the dogs, my dad starts looking for vets number, i lay there with my dog, screaming and crying that i killed my baby. He was still alive, even walking around, heavily breathing. Since i was in no condition to drive we waited 20min for my mother to come home and then it was an hour drive to the vet. He was crying the entire time, so was i. We get to the vet, they give him painkilling shots, i’m with him the entire time, kissing his head. The vet said treatment would be very expensive and even then they can’t be sure he will live. I could see he was still in such pain, we made the decision to put him down. As i was kissing and hugging him for one last time, he was trying to wave his tail. We brought him home, buried him, i put an old football to the grave with him, since he absolutely loved playing with them.
    And thats it, he was only 8,5 years old, the absolute best dog in the world, i love him very much, i feel such guilt for even driving that day, for not being careful enough. I want to jump in front of a train because i cant handle it, i cant live with myself. I am so very sorry for everything.

    1. Liana, your dog’s death is the very definition of an accident — you’re not to blame at all. He himself knew that, which is why he was wagging his tail at you at the end. He understood very well what your hugs and kisses meant.

      He’s in heaven now, happily playing with a football. You’ll see him again. Of course you will. But God decides when, not you. Remember that.

  128. I don’t know why i’m commenting, maybe for some type of relief. But anyways, one of my 4 dogs died on Dec. 11, 2018. His name was Finn, he was my best pal. At the time we were experiencing a large snow storm. We didnt have power for 4 days. Because of this, the zoning collar we use to let them stay outside wouldnt work. (Finn was an outside dog on his own zone through a zone machine thatd shock him if he leave) So we had to keep them inside. Well i was shoveling the driveway when I decided to let Finn go outside to pee, knowing his zone collar wasnt working he ran off. Down the road, I tried to run after him but he is such a fast boy. So I ran up back to my house to get my car to follow him. As I ran up to the house my father was coming home and Finn heard his truck and got excited. According to my dad he didnt even see him as he ran out of the woods onto the road as soon as my dad was passing by. He was dead instantly. My dad drove me back down so I can see my buddy. We picked him up and rove him to our house where we then buried him on his turf. I’m only 16 and this is the first time I ever experienced a loss. I can’t imagine what my dad feels for being the one driving. Its been a month and I have held it together but I keep experiencing these cry spells whether when I’m driving by the part of the road he died at or whether I’m just laying in bed. He was such a good boy, the best boy I’ve ever known. He was always happy and always ran everywhere. He comforted me since I was 1, and we were best pals. I guess in general ive been in a depressed phase lately. I still have 3 dogs and they dont seem to understand or care that Finn is gone. I try my best to love them as much as I can in honor of Finn. But its hard, and even with my parents we have gotten farther apart (still close tho). I miss my boy, my pal, my best friend, he had at least 10 years before any health issues would arrive. I wanted him to move in with me when I am in college. I wanted him to see my future kids and play with my son/daughter when he is an old man. But that was taken, im angry that he was taken from me only after 5 years. He had so much more left. And whenever I dont have any distractions I just think about my boy. I hope if there is a heaven Finn is running around happy as can be. Im coming to the realization that life hurts. Soon enough I will have to face my other pets deaths and parents and sibling deaths when the time comes. I dont know why we even exist, there so much joy but so much pain. I love you Finn.

    1. Joseph, I feel moved to write you as I understand your feelings. I also have a 15 year old son who has had to learn to deal with loss too. If you read my post, our dog Daisy died a few days ago. I feel responsible in that I took her out and squirted her with water (we’re in Australia with a heatwave). It sounds like both of our dogs loved to run. I think both of our dogs died doing what they loved. It was also a bad combination of timing for both of our dogs. You loved Finn and he knew that. Sadly our dogs died younger than we wanted. Loving others is what we are meant to do in our lives. It might feel weird but I think you should talk to your parents about your feelings. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  129. Hello, I’m grateful to find this site and the kindness given to others. It has given me comfort to read others’ stories. Maybe mine can help someone else. We just lost our 2 yr old chihuahua today. She loved to run off and we often had to chase her and try to corner her. Today was quite hot and I was washing luggage from an overseas trip. I put Daisy in a new harness that I hoped she couldn’t wriggle out of and then I attached a long lead to a trampoline wrung. She was on the ground not on the trampoline. I squirted her to cool her off. She got tangled up in the lead and wriggled backwards out of the harness. She ran down the road as usual. I waited a moment to see if she’d dart up a side road to my friend’s house. She didn’t. I went in the house to get some treats to lure her. I went on the road and my neighbour was trying to catch her. A pick up truck came around the corner really fast. I called out to her. She was such a happy, energetic dog and she just went into the road wagging her tail and just went under the wheel. I saw it all. It was horrible. She actually raised her head and wagged her tail before she died. I saw that then I ran to my house to get a blanket and my car. I thought maybe she could go to the vet. I was back in 2 minutes and she had already died. My neighbour and the driver said she died right after she raised her head. I feel terrible I didn’t go to her and hold her. I was so scared to see her. I’m ashamed of my fear. My two children are distraught -13 and 15 years old. She had a beautiful, energetic spirit. Daisy gave us so much. We’ll never forget her.

    1. My heart breaks for your tragic loss. How devestating to have to witness this tragedy. Fear is an emotion and this emotion is so paralyizing. It prevents us from moving forward and taking action. Many people will not view the remains of a loved one in a casket because they want to remember the deceased the way they were prior to death. I think this is a type of fear. Not all fear is bad if it protects us. Maybe at the moment your doggie died you needed that protection so did not immediately tend to your dog. I think you were traumatized so be gentle with yourself. I pray for you and your children’s healing. Hugs

      1. Thank you, Edna, for writing. I’ve never posted about anything but I’ve felt such support. The guilt and grief feels smaller but waves come back. Mostly I’m just sad now.

  130. We just lost our boy Oden today. He’s being cremated probably tonight. I left this morning and I must have let him out. I figured he was probably under the bed and didnt hear me leave. He usually follows me to the door and follows at my heals. When I got back later this morning I was looking for him in the house thinking he was on the bed w my wife or maybe hadn’t heard us. I call him, I ring the bell to our front door. We looked around the neighborhood and asked around. I was hopeful. When my wife and I came back home we decided to ask another maintenance guy around our complex. Once we showed him the picture he told me that he had found a dead dog. We rummaged through this huge dumpster to find him. I cant believe I didnt hear him or even see him behind me. Now a little girl has to deal w the fact that she’ll never see her friend. He is my best friend. I wish I could take his place.

    1. So very sorry for what you are going through. Sometimes our babies can be so quiet we don’t notice them sneaking past us. You did nothing on purpose to harm your pet. We really feel guilt for not doing one thing or another when dealing with the loss of our pups. It has been 2 1/2 weeks since my Chloe leaving me. I sit as I write this, looking at the urn with her ashes. I can’t seem to find interest in my life anymore and still cry at the thought of her not being here. I still have my other dog, who is also grieving. Our only hope is that our dogs knew how very much we loved them and one day will be reunited. I hope we all find peace.

  131. So today over the lunch hour I came home to our newest family member, a 9 week old labradoodle. A really wonderful puppy that was adjusting to her new home the last 3 weeks with great splendor. She came to our family as a Christmas gift to our 11 year old and 5 year old.

    Anyhow, she had an accident in her crate as happens and I showed some anger and called her a bad dog a few times while I took her out and cleaned her crate. I took her outside by the tuff of her neck in an appropriate way but she helped and tried to bite me so I dropped her down to the ground outside to avoid a bite, she fell about 2 feet and was fine. She then took care of business but refused to come back in with me so I chased her around before finally getting her cornered, she growled at me again so I had to carry her by the tuff of her skin inside. Once inside she ran away from me and hid behind the toilet, I used my foot to scoop her out trying to get her back to her crate. As I chased her back to the crate we both slipped on hardwood floors and I fell on her…she died immediately. I am devasted, I feel fully responsible as she was only running from me because I had yelled and carried her roughly. I know it was an accident but I am just full of guilt and replaying the tape, don’t know how to tell my kids that I’m the reason their dog is dead.

    1. What a terrible experience. After I lost my puppy due to my negligence (left medication out where she could get it) kind people reminded me that we cannot always control things that happen in life. Sadly, accidents happen. We like to THINK we can control every outcome, but we cannot.

  132. had to put our beautiful black cocker spaniel Pablo to sleep, he was just 18 months old. The week before he didn’t seem interested in anything, playing, going for a walk or his food, i took him to the vets when he started being sick. The first vet i saw was a useless so and so, sent me off with some digestive stuff and told me to come back in 4-5 days if still no better…i waited 2! Saw a different vet who did bloods and scans hoping for it to be an obstruction in his stomach….it was liver failure! Me and my partner slept downstairs with him every night after that to keep an eye on him, make sure he ate, drank and went to the toilet. After a couple of days he was like himself again, which gave us hope he could recover. Then on christmas night he took a turn for the worse, he was making gulping noises and he body was trembling and he seemed confused and unsteady. Finally boxing day night, we both knew that he wasn’t going to get better, we didn’t want him to suffer anymore or start to feel pain. We called the vet to our house, i refused to take him to the vets because it frightened him. We stroked him and spoke to him as he slipped away. Looking back i’m sure i could of taken him to the vet sooner and he would still be with us, but he never actually seemed ill, my heart is so broken and i hate myself so much.

    1. Tamia, you’ve had a hard loss. You took your dog to two vets and even went in earlier than asked. Try to be kind to yourself. You did what you could and your dog knew he was loved.

  133. My family had a Shar-pei mix breed. She was severely abused when we adopted her from the animal shelter. The shelter had rescued her and named her Sweetie. She certainly was a sweetie, the purest kindest dog but tense. She was hesitant to trust but I won her over with love and attention. She used to put her head in my lap and nibble on my pants sometimes biting my leg but she never once was vicious. She had a wrinkly forehead that got even more wrinkly when she saw food. She loved to eat. She was estimated to be about 9 years old when we got her from the shelter based on the condition of her teeth. That would make her -about 15 but she could been older than 9 when we adopted her. I had been away at college so I was excited to see her over Christmas break. She would wag her tail and let me rub her. She was healthy and happy. Until recently. This past Thursday she suddenly started vomiting and passing blood. I told my family she was dying but they wouldn’t listen. They said they couldn’t afford it. I saw her pass straight blood in her stool as it turned bright red when it hit the snow. I knew it was bad. I told them. I should have done something sooner, found resources. Friday came and she stopped eating. She grew lethargic. Still she was alert and attentive to me. She came to me and put her head in my lap. She kept passing blood; it looked like coffee grounds and I was scared. She became stoic and would stand like a statue. Her abdomen would contract in and out. Her belly got swollen. She still drank water and I watched her suffer. Saturday, she got even worse. She would have blood tinged fluid come out of her nose. She stood so long that her legs finally gave out. She was losing the fight for her life. Still she came to me and loved me. By this time, I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. I finally found a shelter that would take her and help her. All we had to do was relinquish our rights to her. We did. I hoped she could be saved but I knew she couldn’t. I waited too long to help her. My best friend. I had failed her. I got a call that night. She had to be euthanized. They did their best but the blood loss was too great. She was vomiting blood, passing it in her stool, and had it coming out of her nose. They don’t know what caused it and now all I can think about it failing her. Letting her to die in such a terrible way. I hate myself. I don’t want to live with myself. My heart is broken. I wish I had acted sooner. I am considering a way to get an autopsy done on her and the vet would cl with estimates. I need to know what happened. It will haunt me forever. It happened so fast. I feel like there were signs. She began licking the carpet while I was at college. I noticed she was standing differently, like she had to go to the bathroom when I came home. But she was acting normal. I’m not sure I can ever forgive myself. I blame myself. I should have gotten help for her sooner.

    1. Gina: First, I honestly think that you did the best you could under the circumstances. Second, Sweetie’s symptoms are very similar (if not necessarily identical) to my Dempsey’s, who unexpectedly and suddenly died last December 1. Although the cause of death was not definitively established, the consensus is that it was some form of hemorrhagic gastroenteritis, probably brought on by his swallowing a foreign object.

      Although I can’t find the post, I made this suggestion once before: Anyone who owns a dog should have veterinary insurance. It’s affordable and essential.

    2. Gina, I’m so sorry to hear about Sweetie. I know that words come as no consolation, but I am feeling almost exactly what you are right now. We had a little chihuahua named Allie who was the heart and soul of our family. We all loved her so very much. We woke up Thursday night to her getting sick – she threw up her dinner. That, alone, was not a huge cause for concern. However, she started behaving oddly throughout the night. We thought that she was feeling some effects from her medications, though we did call an emergency vet clinic to talk to them. Once we could confirm that there was no way she could have gotten into something like chemicals, poison, etc., they recommended that we watch her closely and take her to our regular vet should things become worse. Throughout the next day, we were there with her all day. She had times when she was acting like she felt better and she didn’t get sick again for some time. We thought that she was on the mend. She went outside to urinate (nothing abnormal), and tried to deficate but was unable to. She drank water, though not a lot, throughout the day and we felt confident that she was going to bounce back. We called our vet that day about getting in, but they said they had no available appointments and that the next morning would be better. As the emergency vet is only open overnight when regular offices are closed, we opted to wait until the next morning to see our regular vet. She began throwing up, not violently and not a lot, but small amounts. It was foamy and had a red tint, but it didn’t look “bloody” per say. This happened a couple of times before she went downhill very rapidly. The vets office is only a couple of blocks from our house and we headed straight there, but we lost her in transit. It has been heartbreaking. We both feel incredibly guilty for not getting her help earlier, but we were just so convinced that she was going to be alright. We each blame ourselves and I wish that I could take her place. She brought so much happiness to everyone that she met, it just doesn’t seem possible that she could be gone. I am so sorry for what you are going through and I hope that you are able to move through the grief (and guilt) process and find light on the other side. I do know that both of those furry babies are now living without pain and without worries, and that is of comfort to me.

  134. Sorry for the loss of all your furry babies,reading the comments somehow makes me feel better but still the guilty of me losing peanut due to pravo virus still hunt’s me , she was only 4months old(this kill’s me)she started vomiting on new year and l thought she eat too much food then on the second she still was vomiting food again and l thought she will be fine on the 3rd she started to vomiting water after drinking it and she was no longer eating including meat l got worriedand financially I was not ok this month so l called for help but no one helped then l got over the counter meds to stop the vomiting but it didn’t work later that day she popped watery diarrhea that looked pink and a metallic smell like,l got so worried then on the 4 we took her to the vet (with that small amount I had l didn’t care) the vet shouted at me but l humbled my self though they only inject to stabilize her n give pills for the next day to stop diarrhea due to not enough funds for them to hospitalize her we drove back an l borrowed money from Frnd then we come back to the hospital she popped on the door (a bit darker than before) then they took her for the drip n medication we went back home coz they were closing then they told us to call at 11am every day to check on peanut(I wish I called first)the next morning I got a call at 8 saying they lost peanut midnight,seeing my fone ring broke me ,was there even a vet during the night? Why did they only call me at 8 when she lost her life at midnight? My guilt is that l did not take her the day for first vomit…and l guess peanut got the pravo virus from the place l left her wen l was traveling coz it was at a friend’s house(my biggest regret) because if she was born with it she would not have survived the 2days after birth….I keep asking myself All these days,lm broken broken broken😥

  135. I lost my 6 year old dog Milo on 1/3/19 due to heart disease. I went to work that morning and found two vomit spots on the carpet. My mom came over and called me about two hours later saying something was wrong with him. I came home rushed him to the vet and waited. The vet said they needed to hospitalize him so I left. A few hours later I called to check in. He had taken his meds, went outside to use the bathroom and ate a bit. I felt comfort and I started to think that maybe nothing was wrong with his heart and he would be ok. An hour after that the vet called and said his heart gave out and he passed away. I have an overwhelming feeling of guilt because he was all alone. He died in an oxygen box around a bunch of strangers and he was alone. We didn’t get to say goodbye. I dreaded having to possibly put him down but I feel like I would have at least gotten to say goodbye. When I took him to the vet to be hospitalized earlier in the day I didn’t even say bye. I just let them take him. He laid on my lap before he was admitted and was having trouble breathing. I cry none stop because I lost a beautiful soul but I can’t get over the feeling that maybe he would have felt more comfort if someone would have been there with him for his final moments except the vet techs.

    1. Oh Noelle, I am so sorry for your loss. I understand since my story is so similar. My little girl was always a bit nervous anyhow, and I’m sure passing while trying to breathe was so scary for her. And looking for me to comfort her. But like you, we would have been there had we known what was about to happen. We can only pray our pups knew how much they were loved. My regular vet did try and reassure me they would be in a confused state and not realize what was going on. But until they got to that time, I wish I could have been holding her. May our babies forgive us and be resting in a field of happiness waiting for us.

    2. I have a same situation. I left my dog alone at the hospital but luckily the vet called me and I came just in time to say goodbye to my dog. It was not easy at all. But I did try my best to save my dog. 3 months has passed. I hope you feel better now

    3. Noelle and Joan, my dog too was having breathing trouble but the ER vet told me he would be ok because he thought he knew what was ailing him. All my guilt stems from not being with him and leaving him at the vet to die with nobody he knew around him. His final hours are what haunt me & I feel horrible for trusting a human over my instincts. I hope we can all eventually find some peace.

  136. Two days ago I had to make the hard decision of puttting my 15 year old jack Russell, Mikko, to sleep. 5 months prior I was given the news that he was going into heart failure but refused medication. My initial thought was that I wouldn’t want my boy to be drugged up for the remainder of his life. This decision has made me feel guilty ever since because I feel like we could’ve had just a bit more time with him. The night he passed, I came home to see him disoriented and eventually laid down, not acknowledging that I was home and this was a red flag for me. Whenever I come home he usually barks to let him in the house. That day was a particularly cold day and eventhough he had a sweater, I feel like we should’ve done more to keep him warm. I was at work all day and my parents were out of the house, so Mikko was outside for the most part. When I got to him I carried him in my arms to see what was wrong and he was breathing heavy and short. It felt like he couldn’t even stand on his own and at one point he peed himself which threw me into panic mode. I rushed him to the nearest emergency vet hospital as fast as I could. I felt like this was really the end. The vet gave him oxygen and an IV which seemed to help( and gave me hope). But the doctor took me into a room and told me that Mikko’s condition was severe. He said that if he were to leave the hospital that night he wouldn’t survive the next couple hours and the most humane thing to do was to put him down. This broke me so much. I agreed to let him go as long as I was by his side the whole time. After it happened a huge wave of guilt of maybe I made the decision too fast… if I had come home earlier it might have made a difference, I should’ve spent those last few days with him, this wasn’t his regular vet so was it the right call? I made the decision alone because I always felt throughout the years it was really just me and him. But I feel like I should’ve let my family in on the situation too.. maybe they could’ve talked me out of it. The last words I whispered to Mikko was that he was a good boy… I tried to mutter that I was sorry but my sobs were too strong. But I am sorry.. I wish I could’ve done more for you.

    1. Stephanie,
      We all feel guilty when the time comes, I’ve know people in your situation, I met one lady who had a beautiful spaniel that had been diagnosed at 5 yrs of age with heart condition. They recommended medication for him but the lady refused and he went on to live for another 7 yrs, passing away at 12 yrs old, the lady said she didn’t think the medication would work and that some vets are just after your money. I had the same situation with my Dachshund, he developed a heart murmur, my sister witnessed a fainting episode when he was young. They prescribe meds for his heart, but my mum didn’t go with it, and he lived till 17yrs old, the thing is I don’t know about meds now, but back then and not that long ago, they would cause side effects like being hard on the kidneys and you would probably get 6 months, 12 months or 24 months extra life expectancy but it wouldn’t be without issues. My point is that… if you did put your Mikko on heart meds, it wouldn’t be without problems and your just putting off the inevitable, because the meds won’t cure heart disease and can only manage it. Would it be beneficial to buy him another year, when you end up with the same result, and he wouldn’t be able to do another 15yrs, I hope my thoughts give you a different perspective on your situation?

      My deepest sympathies.

  137. Two days ago I did the worst thing in my life and this resulted in the death of my 11 year old dog. I can’t share this with with my friends as I feel so ashamed and guilt ridden. I wouldn’t expect them to understand as I don’t understand how I could have done this myself. I have read posts by readers below who have had similar experiences and I feel your pain. Each morning I went for a walk and my elderly dog snoozed in the car until I returned. We had done this routinely for over a year. Three days ago he didn’t want to get out of the car so I decided to leave him there and come back after I had put a load of washing on. That would prove to be one fatal mistake and I will live with it for the rest of my life. One thing led to another and time ticked by. During the morning I became unwell with a stomach upset and went to lie down. I awoke a couple of hours later and remembered he was still in the car. I will never forget the distressing sight when I opened the door. Due to my selfish actions I was side tracked and too late, he was dead. I have seen ads on TV about the horrible death dogs suffer in the heat of a car and never thought in a million years that I would be guilty of letting this happen. This haunts me each night and I go over and over my poor decision. I have always brought our rabbits, 2 cats and dogs inside during hot days, but failed badly on this occasion. From the notes above and Laurie’s ebook I understand I have a lot to work through. My next step is to write a letter to my dog, sit at his grave and read it to him. I hope I can eventually move forward through devastating experience and he can forgive me.

    1. Hi Vicki. I can understand how such a thing could happen. It is because we are human and we all make mistakes. We are our own worst citics. Please be gentle with yourself. You are a responsible and caring pet mom who did not intentionally want to harm your dog. You had an errand to do so you attended to the laundry, fully intending to check on your dog after the errand. You forgot about your dog but please do not interpret this as neglecting your dog.
      What happened to you could happen to anyone and indeed had happened to many people. Does this mean they are bad people? Of course not and neither are you. You also became distracted with attending to your own health when you felt ill. Caring for one’s self is not selfish. I hope writting the letter to your dog has helped give you some comfort and relief. You have a grieving process to work through and in time you will start to feel better. Hugs and prayers. Edna

      1. Hi Edna,
        Thank you for being so understanding. Your words of comfort do help, but I still can’t understand how I made this terrible mistake. I know we all make mistakes, but when it takes a life and can’t be fixed, it is an extremely heavy burden. I have read how other people have done the same thing and I feel their pain. Yesterday I sought pet counselling and hope that will help me work through the thoughts that haunt me and understand the bad mistake I made. Thank you again Edna.

  138. I lost my beloved Lola 1 1/2 ago.She was 11 years old ,and it happened because of my neglect and I can’t forgive myself,it is destroying my life.She started showing signs of Diabetes for at least a year before she got very sick and I really didn’t know what is was when it first started.I changed her food and bought vitamins…she got better..but after a year she started drinking a lot of water even dirty water from the yard .I had planned to have elective surgery during those times and I was so focused in myself that I didn’t pay attention to how sick she was getting.I had surgery, came back home ,she kept showing signs that I was ignoring and one day she decided to go and lay down by a tree in the yard (she wanted to die alone)😔.she was acting lethargic and that’s when we really noticed that she needed medical attention right away. We took her to the vet ,she was really sick with organ failure issues and was hospitalized for 4 days…She was not getting really any better but the vet bill was so high that we decided to get her out and to find a vet that would help us at home with her problems..We found a vet who really try to help to get her numbers back up .But after a few days she got worse and started acting very weird ,she didnt recognized us anymore,she would walk around the house without stopping, she wouldn’t lay down,not eating or drinking water..Next day I took her by myself to the vet,they did blood work and it came back worse ..There was nothing else that we could do..she was dying..My loyal lovely lola was dying,and it was my fault.She had to be put down.
    Thanks to anyone that reads my story,please if you have pets or ever decide to get one,please please dont ignore signs of illness.

    1. Please take comfort in knowing that most dogs tend to be so stoic that they don’t show signs of illness until it’s too late. The vet told me that my Dempsey must have been sick for days, maybe even weeks, before giving any indication on that last day. Does that mean I shouldn’t blame myself? Maybe. But I do.

      1. Clarence, I can so relate. I keep trying to tell myself I did my best, but so far the guilt wins out. I try and get though this because of my other little girl who is left without her sister. She has been sticking like glue to me. She has been sleeping on the blanket I had Chloe wrapped in when I took her to the emergency vet. I wish she could express her questions to me. I just keep thinking Chloe would be telling me “take good care of Wendy now”.

    2. My story is similar, and it’s killing me inside. Our 4 year old girl started with a stomach illness in late November. She had always been a hefty girl, but had started losing weight and not acting like herself. We took her to the vet and got her on antibiotics. Blood work showed inflammation, but that was it. X-ray showed no growths. We fed her baby food (pure chicken and turkey) and boiled chicken. Our friend, who has owned many boxers, and whose dogs were our girls parents, saw her and said she appeared ok. We took her to a dog chiropractor which seemed to relieve some of the pain she seemed to be feeling. When she was “better”, we changed her kibble, thinking that’s what made her sick (even though she had eaten ORIJEN all her life). By late December, we noticed she still wasn’t taking well to her new kibble and still losing weight. We took her to the pet food store, and requested a swap out of the food. They said for a boxer, she could stand to lose a little more weight. They said she appeared healthy and was most likely being stubborn over not getting pampered with human food. They said dogs will not starve themselves, and if we stick to it, that she would eat the kibble. We went home to try it. Two weeks later, she was still not taking it. I went back to the pet food store and got her Honest Kitchen. She ate that fairly well for about two weeks. However, she was still losing weight and had never gone back to being her old self (pre November). We thought the sickness had just effected her long term, and she was losing weight because she wasn’t eating much of her food and holding out for our food which she devoured every chance she got. She had intermittent vomiting and one bout of diarrhea throughout this time. We thought she was anxious and running too much after eating. When I mentioned the stubborness to my friend, she said it totally makes sense and her dogs are very stubborn, too. Throughout this time, she was still playing, cuddling, and had energy. While it didn’t match her energy levels before, it was still enough to convince us that she was ok. She had her ears pinned back often and would sit like a human. She also was shivering. However, she was experiencing her first cold winter ever. We got her in a warm humid climate and moved, last March, to an area further North with below freezing temps throughout the winter. We cuddled with her and covered her with blankets to keep her warm. When she would bark at us for food when she had food in her food bowl, I was firm with her, and sometimes scolded her, saying she already had food…again thinking she was just being stubborn. I thought maybe she had a bladder infection, but after watching her pee and poop, it all looked normal and she didn’t seem to be straining. This last week, she really went downhill. By the time we got her to the vet, Thursday evening, they palpated a grapefruit size mass in her abdomen. Her bloodwork was the same as November, but this time with a highly elevated WBC. We were sent to a 24 hour facility to do surgery right away. Upon presentation and reviews of the xrays, the 24 hour care facility thought it was likely to be lymphoma and said we should do an ultrasound first because those respond better to chemo than surgery. We said ok. After the ultrasound and biopsy, they found it was not lymphoma and the tumor was rubbery indicating a GIST on the root of the mesentery. At that point, she started decompensating, with blood coming out of her bottom, obvious pain, and wetting herself. They took her back to surgery to find the tumor had strangled the blood vessels of the mesentery killing 90% of her small intestines. He also tested lymph nodes far from the area of the tumor and they showed to be cancerous. He said if he was to correct her short bowel, removing the tumor could cause further damage to her intestines. Also, the cancer had spread, so it would likely take her another way, and her last few days to months would be spent in pain and not being able to eat properly. He said none of the vets at the hospital would operate on their dogs in that state. We made the decision to put her down and be with her during the process. The doctor said he was shocked by how bad she looked inside given the way she presented on the outside. I am so angry and upset at myself for not noticing the signs for what they were. For not taking her back to the vet sooner. For trusting a f-ing pet food store owner over calling for expert advice from a vet. Maybe we could have at least prolonged her life or spoiled her these last two months instead of thinking she was being stubborn. I don’t know how to forgive myself. I feel like we let her down, like we’re the worst parents and everyone is saying you did all you could and I’m thinking, but I didn’t! I should have had the notion/gumption to call the vet, rather than rationalizing every sign!!!! 😭😭😭 I started part time grad school, had a lot of high profile projects going on at work, and our boys had a lot of extra curricular activities. My husband was with her day in and day out (he works from home) and thought she was fine. I feel like we were so bush that we failed to protect the one who relied on us most. It kills me inside! I pray that she forgives us, that she is no longer in pain, and that she comes back to visit. We miss her sooooo much!

  139. What a glorious day it will be when we all meet up with our furbabies. They will forgive us for what we are beating ourselves up about and jump into our arms, I must keep believing this. I find myself so mad at God right now for taking my Chloe. Don’t have much in my life and Chloe was my source of happiness. Miss and love her so very much.

  140. Our beautiful and beloved 9-year-old golden retriever, Echo died December 27. She was my daughter’s dog and slept with her every night she was home from college. Echo was terrible about wolfing down anything she could eat–she would climb into the pantry shelves and eat the onions stored there. She would also climb our peach trees and eat the peaches until she got diarrhea. We had to “Echo-proof” all food. We had many guests staying for Christmas, and we told people “no chocolate out, no bedroom doors open–you HAVE to watch that because Echo will eat ANYTHING and chocolate will kill her.” Well, we left her in the house alone (my first mistake, although I didn’t know she was in the house. I thought she was out in the yard) and one of our relatives staying with us had left literally pounds of chocolate in his suitcase on the floor and left his bedroom door open. I didn’t know. My daughter and niece discovered what had happened and we gave her hydrogen peroxide to throw up. She threw up and then my husband gave her some more (maybe mistake #2?–should have taken her right to the vet? shouldn’t have given more H202?) She vomited up a lot more chocolate, but then really looked fine. She was drinking water, and was acting normal. We stayed with her and watched her for the next 5 hours and she was doing well. I had the thought then that we should still take her to the vet, but since my husband and I have both had cancer the last two years and I am very overwhelmed and anxious about everything, people always tell me I’m worrying too much, so I just kept my mouth shut–not wanting to be the worrywart again (mistake #3). We finally went to bed and put her in our bathroom so she would be near us during the night. We didn’t go to bed until around 2:00 am, and I woke up to go to the bathroom sometime between 4:00 and 5:00. She looked at me, and raised her head, and after I finished going to the bathroom, I opened the door, and she was clearly dying–it had only been about 3 minutes! We tried to revive her. My husband did chest compressions and I did mouth-to-mouth, but she died in our arms. I have not been able to stop crying. I’m so angry at our relative, but I know that ultimately, it was my responsibility. I was so tired after all my surgeries, and I had so many house guests, and I just put Echo at the bottom of the list of priorities. And for that, she died. Worse, is seeing my daughter and knowing that her world is crushed again for the third time in two years.

    1. Martha
      I’m so very sorry for the passing of your Echo. I know people will say that we should not feel guilty but it comes from the love we had for our pet, our family member. We can’t change what happened. We can only hope in time our minds will go to happy memories. Right now, I just see my baby everywhere I look. Waiting to see her running around the corner to be where I am. My thoughts are with you.

    2. I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss. You did everything within your power to protect and help Echo. Tragic events happen that are beyond our control. It is easy to look back and see how we could have done things differently but we are not God.. You had no idea that the decisions you and others were making at the time of Echo’s illness would end up so tragically. You did your best. Your grief is compounded by the fact your daughter is crushed by Echo’s death. Your heart breaks for her too and you maybe wish you could have protected her from this pain. Again, somethings are beyond our contol. My pray is for you to come to a place of peace, to get to that place, you will have to choose to forgive your relative. It may be hard to think about forgiveness when your pain is raw butitn itorder for you to have peace, forgiveness is necessary. For me, I had to forgive myself as I was solely responsible for accidenally killing my dog. I know it would have been easier for me to forgive someone else, had someone else accidenally killed my dog. . hugs and prayers

      1. Thank you for your kindness and understanding. You’re right about the forgiveness. I’m working on it very hard. It must happen. I pray for your peace as well.

        1. Thanks Martha. Although 2018 did not end on a positive note, I want to wish you a happy New Year anyway. Praying that you will flnd much joy, peace, happiness and good health in 2019.

  141. Clarence, your story and comments hit so close to home for me. My beloved little girl, Chloe, was a 12y/o shihtzu. She had no heart issues I ever knew of and had just been to the vets 3 days prior. On Christmas morning she was fine and suddenly she was not steady on her feet and laid down and was breathing very fast. I put my clothes on and rushed her about 2 miles away to an emergency vet. After taking her back, the vet asked me if she ever had a heart murmer and I told her no. The vet told me she had a very loud murmer (grade 6) and had fluid on her lungs. Her condition was very bad but if I wanted they would put her in oxygen and give her medications to take fluid from her lungs. If she survived the night we would transfer her and have her seen by cardiologist. When I went back to see her, she didn’t appear to be struggling as bad to breath. She stood up with her tail wagging and came to the opening of the kennel where they had oxygen blowing in and licked my face like she always did. I went home and left word to be notified of changes. 2 hrs later, the vet called and said she had taken a turn for the worse and was passing!. I was there within 5 minutes, but the vet told me I didn’t want to see her like she was and she was so close to the end she wouldn’t know I was there. I asked her to give her something to help her cross over and by the time she took steps back to her she was gone.
    My heart is broken, but my guilt is overwhelming. Why didn’t I just stay there in the waiting room so I could have been with her when she passed. My friends say ” well she said goodbye to you when she wagged her tail and licked your face”. But when I think of things, I think when that happened, she was doing what she always did like when I pick her up at the groomers. She is saying ” There’s my Mom, she’s here to take me home”. But then I left her and I’m sure when she started really having breathing problems, she was so scared and looking for me ,wondering why I wasn’t there. I will never get over this guilt and only pray my girl knows how much I love her. I would cross the rainbow bridge myself today to hold her if I could.

    1. Thanks, Joan, for sharing your story with us, particularly with me.

      I really don’t think you have a whole lot to reproach yourself for, as you acted promptly and intelligently to save Chloe. Indeed, it seems to me that you did everything that could be done.

      I console myself (anyway, I try) with the belief that Dempsey, Chloe, Coco, and all the doggies named here are waiting for us in one of heaven’s meadows, enjoying themselves tremendously and wondering why the hell we’re beating ourselves up. Who’s to say I’m wrong?

    2. Thank you for sharing your story. This is the almost exact same thing that has happened to me on 1/3/19. My dog Milo took a turn for the worse while being hospitalized for his heart. One minute the vet called to say he had improved a bit an hour later they called me to tell me he had passed. I also can not get over the immense feeling that he was lonely and scared and I ask myself why I left and why i didn’t just sit in the waiting area. I can completely understand what you are going through. Unlike our situation A lot of people get that final chance to say goodbye. I hope you find peace and comfort and that your pain lessens everyday.

      1. Thank you so much for replying to my story. I hope the pain eventually lessens for you and I until we meet our babies across the rainbow bridge. I only wish vets could advise us to stick around in such cases instead of go home.

  142. Dear Jax-
    I loved you from the day I brought you home. You always were so different that your sister; much needier. You have always been so patient with me. Thank you for sleeping with me every night, keeping my legs warm. Laying on my side if there was no room for you beside me. The endless doggie kisses, even though I never really cared for them.

    Every day of your life, I always carried you into the kitchen, you always came to me in bed, so I could pick you up and carry you. Today was no different. You came from under the blankets, I told you “common lazy butt”, I already had your sister in my arm. I put my arm under you belly and scooped you up. You already started to squirm. I lost my grip on you and you fell to the ground. I immediately scooped you up, you were having a seizure like shake to your back end. I thought you were going to come out of it. You didn’t, you died right there in my arms. You died because I dropped you. Jax, I am so sorry! You looked up to me to me to keep you warm, fed, loved and safe. I failed you today. Nothing I can do or say will ever bring you back. Just know how deeply sorry I am, you will be missed more than you could possibly know.

    Love you Jax,

  143. Ms.V

    I had two German Shepard’s , I got them when they were 8 weeks , my seeet Laila was very sick from the the beginning she was dying she didn’t want to eat or drink and her brother Rex was perfectly fine . The vet gave her and I’ve to hydrate her and it seemend to help , she always kept a low weight tho,
    I have struggled financially and was not able to give them proper care , my outside yard seems to be infested by ticks from the neighbors sadly when I took my dogs out they got them and ever since two years ago I haven’t been able to get rid of the ticks I have four kids and ……
    I do t have an excuse or nothing I’m dying inside I feel so much pain and guilt my Laila dies today , but Rex is fine . I knew from the beguenig she needed extra care but I didn’t have the money and she’s gone so fast I don’t even know why was it the ticks was it the skin condition she had , was it my poor care for her . I want to die , she was so seeet the sweetest and she’s gone , I wish I had the money to give her what she deserved and the time she needed , I read all the post but none are completely as guilty as iam , and i feel horrible I can’t stop crying I hate myself I don’t know how to cope with this .

    1. Don’t blame yourself you did what you could and it’s not your fault that you weren’t financially unable to help, i lost my pup on the 15th of december really suddenly, well he had been on decline for a couple of years now but he was a fighter never gave up on life even after his back injury that nearly left him without the use of his back legs, but he ended up walking again. At the end it all caught up with him and there was nothing i could do for him, he was 15 years old and i know it was his time but i miss him so much, His finally night he was in pain so much so he started gnawing at his paws from pain from an undiagnosed tumor that finally gave way in his stomach, he had woke up that night and he came to me as he often would when he was sick but this time i got frustrated at him at first because he was fussing as he would most nights but this time it was different he had chewed his paws so much he had blood on them, so i took him to the 24 hour vet and they gave him something for the pain, and i thought he would be better in the morning so i could take him to the vet for a follow up but it wasn’t to be and he got worse so i took him to the vet again and they said he was pretty bad and maybe it was better for him to put him down, but i selfishly refused because i didn’t want to take his life, he was a fighter and it didn’t want to take that away from him. So they only thing they could to do is keep giving morphine every four hours until he was “better” but i guess they already knew he wasn’t going to make it. The next day i got the call i dreaded they told me he had passed during the night, i felt my heart being ripped from my chest, I felt so guilty that i wasn’t more patient with him when he had come to me, i feel guilty that i didn’t leave him at the first Vet, i feel guilty i didn’t investigate further into his illnesses such as his tumor, and most of all guilty i never bought his body home, but i couldn’t see him like that i felt paralyzed from grief it weighs so heavy on my heart i think about him all the time, i just hope he knows that i did all i could to save him and that i love him and miss him very much, i hope when I pass his there waiting for me on the other side.

  144. I lost my first Dachshund that I grew up with I was 11 yrs old when I rescued him, he was with me through high school, college, work and university.
    We did everything together and experienced many ups and downs, more ups than downs.
    He had a few health issues right from the beginning, he was sick with a temperature when we first got him, then a number of years later, my sister came home one day and found him on the floor on his side after having a fainting episode in the mid 1990’s and taken to the vets, where he was diagnosed with a heart murmur. He was always there at home waiting for me where I would feel welcomed, happy and content knowing he was loved, looked after, warm and comfortable. One of the best character traits he had was a welcoming smile when I, or any family member came home he would come a greet you with a big grin. I love and miss him, I feel as though I let him down in the latter part of his life.

    Best regards

  145. We sadly had to put our sweet girl Josie to sleep on the 26th… Two days late today, it’s my birthday and the only wish I have is to see and hug her again. I want to run my fingers through her fur one more time and tell her how much I love her and tell her how much I love her while she looks at me with her deep l, thoughtful eyes.

    She was only about 7 years old and got so sick so fast. We only had her for 2 of those years but it was the best 2 years of my life. We decided on euthanasia as we couldn’t afford anymore vet bills and she wasn’t herself anymore. I feel so guilty and selfish for not being able to make her feel better, for refusing the idea of giving her up to a shelter or another family. We didn’t want her to think we had rejected her, she was a very sensitive girl, we wanted her to know how much we loved her by not taking the chance she may suffer more later or feel we abandoned her. I miss her so much, it feels like my heart is splintering, then stabbing itself with those shards. We had so much more love to give you Josie, my doodlebug.

  146. Has anyone been so attached to their first dog that when you lost them for whatever reason you felt that you where a terrible owner, and that you should of looked after them better, and that you don’t deserve to look after another dog… because you think you can’t?

    Best regards

    1. I certainly feel that way. I don’t expect to ever have another dog, partly because there’s no one for me but Dempsey, but also because I’m not qualified to have one. Everyone says what a great doggy daddy I was. And — you know what? — I was. But not in the end, not when it mattered most. He trusted me to save him. He counted on me to make everything all right. And I didn’t. I can’t forgive myself. All I can do is pray that he has forgiven me, undeserving though I am of that forgiveness.

      1. I feel the same… my boy lived 15 1/2 years and I know I took too care of him. In the end when he suffered from Cushings for 1 1/2 years I did not take great care of him. Like you said “when he needed me the most”. I have cried him a river, punished myself…. I try to forgive myself but don’t think I can. I have his buddy Hugo whom I got to keep him company… then Hugo was lonely and I got him Zoe… if I didn’t have Hugo I would have never gotten another dog! I try not to think about it cause it KILLS me with GUILT when I think about how I failed him. I’ve never known such heartache as I did when losing him.

        1. I can relate to how you are feeling, Olga. I pray that you will soon come to a place of acceptance and self-forgiveness. I felt tremendous guilt and shame when I accidentally gave my toy poodle, Coco the wrong medication. He was 17 and died three days later. I did not know my error until after he died. I thought he was dying of old age. Coco was my dad’s dog. When dad died in 2010, I got Coco. I know dad took better care of Coco than I did but I did try my best. After Coco died, I too saw the number of times I had failed him. I felt heartbroken and beat myself up mercilessly. Please try to be gentle with yourself, you are only human and we all make mistakes. You will come to a place of healing once you work through your feelings of guilt and shame. The reason we can forgive others easier than ourselves is because there is guilt and shame and maybe even pride attached to our mistakes which needs to be worked through first.I lost Coco in April 2017 and it has taken awhile to work through my grief. I started my journey of healing by asking God to forgive me for the times I may have failed Coco and could have done better. I started to realize too that thinking about the ptst does not help as I can’t change it but I could learn from my past. I now have more wisdom to know and do things better in the future. You may find writing a nnoteto your furbaby asking for forgiveness helpful too. Dogs are so forgiving and live uncondtionally. Your furbaby is in heaven with Jesus and who know maybe your doggie and Coco are playing up there. I will pray for you and remember you are not a bad person.

          1. Thank you and I’m sorry for your loss. I know it is something I still have to work on .. I sought counseling after I lost him. It helped to speak to someone about it but I think it’s a matter of self forgiveness… I’m working on it.

        2. My Dachshund was the same age possibly older, but I never felt that I did my best towards the end, even though he had slowed down a bit, and I spent as much time with him as I could, because I knew we wouldn’t have much time left.

  147. My beloved Dempsey unexpectedly died this December 1. I hadn’t had him quite a year, but he was everything to me. Everything. We were so happy together. In addition to the grief is the guilt. I just can’t forgive myself. He was so happy, and I robbed him of that. Indeed, of his very life. I’m convinced that I didn’t act intelligently or speedily enough. He trusted me to save him, and I didn’t. In the end, he probably thought that he had done something wrong, and that I didn’t love him anymore. I wasn’t even with him at the end. I’d been at the emergency veterinary clinic for hours, but when he appeared to stabilize I went home, took a shower, and got some sleep. He must have thought that I’d abandoned him. Call me any name you like. Just know that you won’t come up with one I haven’t called myself.

    1. You couldn’t have known that it was time for Dempsey to go. You did the best you could in a terrible situation. I’m absolutely sure he knew how much you loved him. Remember the love. I, too, had terrible guilt over not being vigilant enough with my beautiful puppy, Gracie. I think of her every single day…and I just try to remember the love.

      1. I appreciate the kind words, of which I’m wholly undeserving.

        Maybe he thought that I was angry with him because of the vomiting (though I repeatedly told him that I wasn’t), that I was displeased with him, that I was abandoning him, that I no longer loved him. That thought torments me.

        All my sympathies for the loss of Gracie, but I’m sure you have nothing to blame yourself for.

          1. I made it a point to read your detailed report on what happened to Gracie.

            Dempsey was so intelligent in so many ways. In one respect, however, he was as dumb as a doorknob — for him, there was no such thing as “inedible.” Indeed, that’s what did him in. Sounds to me like Gracie was a kindred spirit. Let’s face it, most dogs share the same motto when it comes to their tummies: “Waste not, want not.” I remember once when Dempsey was licking up some loose kernels he’d knocked from his food bowl. He spied a bit of carpet fluff and decided, “Hey, why not?” I wasn’t fast enough to stop him; Jesse Owens wouldn’t have been fast enough to stop him.

            Usually, it does them little or no harm. Usually.

            Being vigilant with one’s dog is essential; being omniscient and omnipresent is impossible. I haven’t the slightest doubt that you did your best with and for Gracie, but accidents happen when you’re dealing with personalities (like Gracie, like Dempsey) who just cannot learn that not everything that comes within reach of their mouths is, by definition, a treat.

            There’s no cure for grief or its ugly handmaiden, guilt. But treatment? Sure. I’m a Catholic, for instance, and since Dempsey’s death I wear about my neck two medals of St. Rocco, patron of dogs and their owners. I pray to him that Dempsey is running in a meadow, tongue flapping in the wind (maybe with Gracie), that he’s forgiven me, and that he’s waiting for me. It helps.

            Whatever you have to do that helps, do that.

    2. Clarence, it looks like a few of us wish we could go back and undo the past. Hindsight iis 20/20. I too wish I had responded more speedily when Coco took ill. My name for you is that you are a loving and sensitive human being who is imperfect ((just like me and the oothes on this site grieving the loss of their pet. Try to look at a the wonderful things you did for Dempsey. Coco died in April, 2o17. I am now at a place pf peace about what happened but it took a while for me to forgive myself. You will heal from tbis but you will have some scars but that is what a scar is…it is evidence you were wounded but have now healed. Prayers and hugs. Go gently on yourself. I care. P.s. Dempsey would forgive and he does not want you to feel bad.

  148. Yesterday morning I was taking my dog, Marcy to the beach in our truck. As always, she rode in the truck bed because she loved feeling the wind during the drive. All of a sudden I heard something hit the side of the truck while I was driving and I hit the brakes so hard to a complete stop. I immediately look to my side view mirror to see my dog, Marcy rolling on the pavement crying in pain. I ran to pick her up and put her back in the truck. When I walked toward her I could tell that at least one of her front legs broke and she must have had some trauma to her head because one of her eyes were sticking out of her head and bloodshot red. Crying hysterically, I took her to the animal hospital nearby and they were able to stabilize her. She was still breathing when we brought her in so I was somewhat hopeful that she’d return back to us. As we waited for the results of her diagnostic tests (which felt like forever), I noticed that all the nurses were assisting our baby Marcy. The doctor never came out to greet other patients with appointments and once I noticed this, I immediately knew something was wrong. Soon enough, a nurse came out to tell us that they discovered internal bleeding into her lungs and that they were all hands on deck trying to save her. A couple of minutes later another nurse came to tell us that she wasn’t able to make it and our world came crashing down. She told us that when we were ready, they’ll bring her in for us to say goodbye. As they brought her in, reality set in as I held her cold paw. I will never forget looking into her eyes because the joyful glimmer that usually emanated from her was already gone. My sweet, precious baby was gone. We took her body home to have a home burial with a few of the family and friends that loved her. As I was gathering some things to bury with her body, I came across her leash and collar, which we always tied to the back of the truck to secure her from falling. The latch on the collar was missing and I’m assuming that she fell off the truck because she is used to the leash pulling her back. I know that I will never for sure know the reason why she fell off or if I was able to do anything about it. It’s just really hard to accept what happened because I was directly involved in this tragic accident. All I know is that she did not deserve to go this way and that’s what really breaks my heart.

    I know that Marcy knew how much I loved her. I cried myself to sleep before we even picked her up (because James told me that we weren’t going to get a puppy but he was really just trying to surprise me). Everyday of her life I told her how much I loved her and in so many ways. My entire life revolved around this dog. She was the first thing I saw when I woke up because she would need me to take her outside to pee. She sat next to me as I got ready for work, cooked, used the restroom, watched TV, and cuddled me to sleep. She was the best part of my day. She understood me and I understood her. She was the best dog anyone could ever ask for and I miss her terribly. My life will never be the same without her and I will never forget all the wonderful times we shared together. Although her life was short, it was full of love. She didn’t know anything about hate. All she knew in her life was love and I’m certain of this.

    1. I’m so sorry for your loss Sheena. I lost my boy Nash 7 months ago. He was hit by a car. Reading your story brought back all the feelings I felt. Had a good cry again. Just so difficult. Just like losing a child and when you feel it could have been prevented it makes it that much harder. All I can say now is the intense raw emotions that you are feeling now should hopefully lessen. While you will always have a feeling of loss and sadness you must move in. Don’t feel rushed. Grieve however you feel is best for you.Some people don’t understand the intense bond some of us have with our pets. You have taken an important first step by letting it out and letting everyone know your story and of the pain you are feeling. I know this must be extremely difficult with the festive holidays approaching. I really hope you find peace and comfort in the memories you had with Marcy and the wonderful life you gave her.

    2. I am so sorry for your loss. I know that Marcy would never blame you. It was a terrible accident and we can’t know why these things happen. I know how deeply you are hurting – I really do. Remember the love…that’s the only thing that will get you through. Hugs to you.

  149. I’ve been searching the net, reading articles on how to cope with pets loss since our dog died 3 days ago. I can’t even express how heartbroken I am. It hurts so much. Especially when I think that its my fault. He’s been sick for days but he’s eating just fine so we keep on postponing in taking him to vet. Until 3 days ago when I fed him with leftovers. He ate like he always did but after awhile he just start coughing and vomitting. I told my parents but we still did not do anything since that was not the first time and where’re gonna take him to the vet the following day anyway. I just keep on saying his name to at least comfort him. I left him for awhile and when I looked at his house he was no there. I looked for him everywhere but could not find him. I went over to his house and looked at the left side and there I saw him. I somehow knew there was something wrong since he never slept on that part. So I call out his name and got no response. I called out my dad to check on him and he confirmed what I already knw. I just run inside the house and cried. I keep on calling his name saying how sorry I am. I’ve never cried so hard in my life. The guilt of knowing that maybe I’m the reason he was no longer with us and that if only I did not waited days to bring him to the vet since I’m always the one left at home with them is killing me. I always call out his name like I used to, saying his name in between conversations. I can’t look at his house coz it is too painful and I can’t even feed our other dog without bawling. It so hard to breathe every second that I remember him. He was still so young only 2 years. And I cant help thinking that if only I did not feed him that hes still here with us. I can’t even talk to my family about what happened becoz I’m afraid. I’m just so ashamed about what I did. I feel like I don’t deserve to laugh these days. Every night I cried myself to sleep and dreamt repeatedly that hes still alive and then suddenly waking up feeling so sad.

  150. The first thing I want to say is this is a wonderful site to help deal with the loss of a pet. I have been feeling extremely guilty,for the loss one of our beloved cannines. (my daughters dog) This happend Sunday 12/1. I am a muscian and play in a band. Sunday was our normal rehearsal time. We usually rehearse for 4 hours, but this time we decided to go later, since we had an important gig coming up. We had finish with half our song list when we decided to take a break. My daughter was sleeping upstairs, she did not feel well, and my wife was at work. Anyway when we took a break I decided to let our dogs out in the back yard, to do their business. In the meantime one of the guys in the band locked his keys in his car, and left his dome light on. He went out to my garage to find a tool. He could not find it so I turned by back and 2 of my dogs jumped the fence. I went and looked for them in their normal areas, but they were not there. It was cold out side, but not freezing. I felt I should have jumped in my car to go look for them, but my car was blocked in, and I figured they would come wandering back home like they have done before. So I went back to rehearsing. About another hour went by, I looked out the door for them every chance i got to see if they were around the neighborhood. After we were done practicing I called my other daughter and said they jumped the fence again. She went looking for them, and as they started out here came Samson the large one, but Chester was not with him. They usually are together. It was getting colder outside, so I started to look for Chester in the car. I looked until 4AM in the morning. I did not find him. I prayed he woudl be ok, the temperature was going down and it started to snow. I was getting more and more upset. I could not find him. I did not want him to freeze to death. He had a very thin coat. Later that morning me and my daughter went out looking for him, and so did my wife. She did not find him, and neither did me and my daughter. I took her to school, and decided to start looking again. I found Chester, He had been hit by a car on the hiway. I am so mad at myself, because I felt, if I would have looked for him, instead of practicing, or made it so they could not jump the fence, he would still be alive.

  151. I lost my dog 3 days ago i feel so bad about it i had a cold i was eating some walnuts earlier i thought i got then all up the shells and everything later took her to her dog bowl to eat i was feeling dizzy so i layed down in bed she usually eats her food in comes back to bed but when she came back she looked werid was hacking and shaking i thought she was choaking i tried everything put her upside down to loosen the object i did the Heimlich maneuver for dogs tried to massage the throat she kept passing out i got scared tried to remove it opened her mouth reach down to see if i felt any thing i felt nothing then she began coughing up blood so i moved her to dog bed her body was shaking and she died i feel so gulity i dont know what to do i wish i would have just left her alone now she gone and i feel so lost and broken.

  152. My family had to put my dog down 6 years ago and I still think about her from time to time. I was 17 years old. What I can’t get over is the guilt I have about how neglected she was. We adopted her from the kennel when I was ten. I can still see her laying in her cage when we went to pick her up. I found out later that the next day she was on the list for euthanization because the kennel was overcrowded. We had saved her life. But that’s not how I think about it today. She was an “outside dog” meaning she lived in the backyard attached to a long leash that allowed her to run in the grass and go in her dog house. But that also meant that she didn’t get to spend much time with us. Only my dad would go outside to feed her. I would outside a lot to lay on her tummy and rub it. And take her out on walks. Only on days when it was really cold was she allowed to come into the garage or basement. And even then she would bark to try and tell us she didn’t want to be alone. She wanted to be with us. We eventually got another dog who was allowed to stay inside who we played with all the time and sometimes they played together. One day I noticed how sluggish she was. She wasn’t eating. We took her to the emergency vet and she had tumor in her belly and had to be put down. I told myself I couldn’t handle being in the room when she died, so I left, and that is one of my biggest regrets. Now that I am older, all I can think about is all the things I could have done better for her to have had a happier, healthier life. Sometimes I believe it would have been better if we had never rescued her from the kennel. I know there were probably good times, that she actually was happy. That she actually didn’t spend that much time outside. But I can’t think of those times, only the bad ones. I can still hear her bark from the backyard when there was too much snow and she wanted to come in. I can see her face in the back door looking in at me in the garage. Wondering why wasn’t she in there too. And me just walking away into a warm house. The countless times I had to stop petting her and go inside. She would walk with me until the leash kept her back and I kept walking. These images rack me with guilt. And every month or so it overwhelms me and I can’t stop crying for hours. I do not know how to forgive myself for this. I know I was young, I didn’t really know what was going on. With the dog I have now, I have so much anxiety over her being cared for that I never want to leave her alone. I would rather not leave the house. I know that it’s me making up for it somehow. But after this dog I refuse to get another one because the guilt and the grief is just eating me up.

    1. I had a same situation with my dog. We got him when i was still in high school and 8 years later, he died. Outside, alone and in pain. All because he was not allowed inside. But the other, smaller dog (a girl) was able to come in and out as she pleased. We found out he had cancer (the boy), and because we couldn’t afford it, we took him to another location outside of the city with other family members where it was cheaper for medication. That only made it worse.So my parents brought him back. Unfortunately, it was getting colder and colder where i lived by the time they brought him back. He was eating a little bit more so we thought he was getting better. I already had a job and a life where i had to run so many errands and i was too tired to do anything at home, not even to give the attention my dogs needed. So after a week of him coming back to us, he passed away in the coldest night we had. What really makes me angry is that after that day it wasn’t even cold anymore, it was back to being humid and sunny. This happened in November. Sometimes i forget, but very often will it randomly come back to my head and i feel this wave of guilt and i want to cry, even at work ill have to hold back tears because i cant stop thinking about how i neglected him. I asked my parents if it was okay to bring him back inside the house but they didn’t want to. I was/am so angry at them but i cant do anything about it now. What can i even say to them, it was my fault too. I could have given him an old blanket or a stupid big teddy bear i have lying there that no one uses. But i didn’t do it, i only thought of doing but i NEVER did it. And now i regret it so much. I cant believe i followed some stupid rule when morally, i knew what the right thing to do was, i cant believe i was that scared, selfish. I never want another dog again.

      Sorry, i know this story probably didn’t make you feel better, but i am also trying to move on, or at least idk. It was just nice to read someone else that was also in this situation. I usually try to cheer someone up if i notice they are down, but this is difficult. i hope our pain of losing these angels gets less as time goes by. And maybe, we will see them again, and they would have forgotten everything on this earth because where they are at is a million % better that they don’t even care what happened and are at the happiest they can be.

  153. My puppy died yesterday. I was just diagnosed with a chronic illness and was prescribed muscle relaxers. I had taken them out of my purse because I couldn’t remember the name of them and was looking it up on the internet. I absentmindedly left them on the side table by my chair overnight. In the morning, I got in the shower and my husband came in like 5 minutes later to ask what the pills were on the bed. I got out and looked – horrified – to see what they were. We counted them quickly and assessed that she had eaten about half of the bottle. I rushed her to emergency vet. She never regained consciousness and we had to euthanize her. She had been a rescue dog from Hurricane Florence and it makes me physically ill that I didn’t take better care of her. I am heartbroken.

    1. Your story has touched me and I understand the pain you are feeling. Please do not blame yourself. Part of human nature involves making mistakes and you never intended to hurt your puppy and she knows that. I know everything is very fresh and raw, you will hurt for a while, but in time it will pass. Take consolidation in the fact that based on the type of medication you describe it is very unlikely your little one felt any pain but fell peacefully to sleep and although your time with each other was short, it was precious and always will be. Stay positive and get better soon. Xx

  154. I wanted to start off by thanking everyone who has taken the time to share their stories, as I have found the closure and reassurance that I so badly needed and hope my story can offer the same to anyone else in the same heartbreaking position. We lost our beloved Westie terrier. He was 17 years old and extremely frail, he was deaf and blind (but sensitive to light, this is how he got himself around) and even though he was elderly he still had life left in him. He was not visibly in pain, loved eating and always scattered his food everywhere in his room which drove us crazy. I had given him a bath shortly before he died and remember thinking about how well he was for his age, he felt so bony and frail, but was still happy, still plodding along, occasionally toppling over but never yelping or seeming distressed. We had let him out that day to go to the toilet and we were unable to find him for ages, until we saw him floating in our pond. He must have accidentally wandered over to it and slipped in. We are absolutely devastated and filled with guilt and grief. I can’t help but blame myself for not keeping a closer eye on him, not being there from the moment we let him out, not spotting him by the pond and being able to rescue him. All I can hope and pray is that it happened quickly and relatively painlessly. When we found him he looked peaceful and no signs of struggling, but I torment myself continuously. I have told myself he felt a moment of cold and then went to sleep, and that was the end. I don’t think I will ever fully forgive myself, I feel so responsible and he was our best friend. All I want to say to you all is that all of our beloved friends are up there together, meeting each other, running around freely and eating all of their favourite (unlimited!) snacks, and watching down on us wanting us to be happy. I know my little boy has forgiven me because that’s what dogs do – please feel the same about your furry friends. None of us intented for this to happen. Please be strong everyone, and to my beautiful little white ball of fluff, I love you so much and I always will. I know you’re safe and happy up there in the clouds and I will see you again one day.

    1. Your story is so similar to mine… both our dogs were the same age and looked good for their age. And both passed the same way. It’s been almost two months and not a day can go without crying, but your words touched my heart and I thank you for that. This forum has made me realize that there is no good way for us to lose our beloved fur babies. It’s painful regardless. The guilt is the hardest. But, knowing we wanted the best for them and that they did love and forgive us, because that is what they do, is what we need to remember. May you find peace and comfort during this difficult time.

      1. Thank you Sarah for your reply and your kind words. It is so comforting to know I am not alone. I hope our furry friends bump into each other wherever they may be now and have a little joke with each other about why on earth their Mamas are crying so much!! It’s hard and we will never be the same but one thing that will always remain is the love in our hearts. Keep strong. Xxxx

  155. First I would like to say I’m very sorry hear about how everyone’s pets died how folks are dealing with Guilt and shame , just so sorry to hear . This website is great place for everyone to gather along and read comments how folks are coping with shame and guilt it will help you feel a little better about yourself and tragic incidents that happened to your pets …

    My story is about a specific Pup named “Queenie” all my life I grew up around Gundogs (hunting dogs: beagles ,bird dogs, coon dogs , Duck retrieving dogs) just name a few of the type of hunting dogs ….My Father was a Big time “Rabbit hunter” we always had Beagles (little hound dogs) my Father owned 8 beagles when I reached an age of 10 years old my dad gave me 2 of my own beagles to train how to hunt …. 30 years went by Dad long passed away , I passed tradition down to my kids growing up , over the years we have dog grow old pass away heartache ….

    I’ve hunted over many of dogs built relationship with numerous of other breeders who mainly focused on Champion bloodline Beagles . It was getting time for me to buy another Pup , Queenie I named her she was the cutest looking little 13” beagle I’ve ever laid my eyes on ! I’ve hunted over Queenie’s Mother and Father both were very respectable Beagles hunted very hard they loved hunting rabbits more than anything Both parents were Field champions proven in the fields .

    Queenie was a little bit of a slow starter , I started her on rabbit chases when she was 4 month old took her out 2-3 times a week spent quality training time with her she had one problem she didn’t “Bark” or what we called as beagle trainers “open up” on rabbit track , this went on for 2 more whole months constantly taking her out Finally at 6 month age she was Opening up on rabbits she had a Beautiful “hound dog voice” hurly burly brawling voice ! I loved it so much !!!

    Queenie was a natural she had Strong Hunt , good jumping skill (find ,locate rabbit, jump it out of hiding get it moving !) when it came time to do her pedigree papers I decided her name was going to be “MAIN GIRL QUEENIE” that she was … out of all my dogs I’ve ever owned in all years Queenie was the one ! There a saying lingers around guys who train hunting dogs for long time …. any man who trains a lot might just get lucky and have a needle in haystack once in lifetime “PERFECT DOG” …. Queenie was it ! She had the Looks ! (She was a head turner beautiful drop dead gorgeous female beagle I’ve ever seen I seen thousands of beagles over years she was only one I’ve ever seen that looked that pretty!!!)

    She had strong Hunt , foot control , perfect voice !, obey my commands . She was so easy to train after 6month mark … she was my “prize” dog , my pride and joy !!! Sure I loved my other beagles as well , Queenie was gonna be my new Pack leader !

    Sadly one day raining very badly we got caught in storm , I was getting ready call quits for day we were all walking out of area Low and behold ! Queenie found another rabbit all dogs ran to her to “honor” her the rabbit took dogs all over landscape up and over ditched and up a straight hill over 350 yards away from where I was standing …. normally rabbits run a big circle return back to area they were flushed from with dogs …. on return back I seen the rabbit I let it run by , all dogs passed me by , I waited a few more minuets the dogs were in a “check” (when rabbit sits for second then changes direction, the dogs start circling around small area figure with way rabbit scent is strongest they use their noses to smell ground when they figure it out 1 dog barks heads that direction, then all other dogs honor that dog that did barking and confirmed check where rabbit heading off too) …. the weeds were very high in background I saw all dogs running away 100 yards or so …. then there it was I saw the rabbit no more than 25 yards from me , I pulled up and fired off 1 shot from my shotgun … I heard a short yelp ! In weeds… I just threw my gun down ran into the weeds just beyond where I shot rabbit Queenie was another 15 yard up from rabbit and got caught in crossfire total blind spot!!! I could not see she was there (all the other dogs were 100 yards out chasing a different rabbit wasn’t even the one I was shooting at) , she took a stray shotgun pellet to her spine it killed her instantly … I was crying , so pissed at myself that was my prize dogs all work I put into her , me and and her were Team ! I calmed down shortly tried to do CPR for 15 Minutes at one point I thought she was coming back but she didn’t …. I buried her that day when I got home ! Tearfully … I didn’t sleep for 4 days ! I didn’t eat for 4 days , I called off work for 1 week ! I was so Guilty and ashamed for what happened …

    Over the years I’ve shot over Gundogs many times hundreds and hundreds of times my own dogs and other folks hunting dogs as well , I’ve never had a mistake I was always Double checking make sure dogs were not in the way ! Most of time we never even shot the rabbits cause it was to risky !

    All rabbits we harvest I used cook them on grill and give them to the dogs that was “their bounty” they loved it very much !!! Now when I got home ? All my dogs lived inside house they were spoiled “brats” they got baths , sleep anywhere they wanted , play with toys !!! Come and go out of house in yard anytime they wanted !!! They were my team ! My kids ! My friends ! If you were to come to my house you would of never knew these were “hunting dogs” at home they acted like spoiled maniacs run around house playing and everything … Queenie was special as pup to me ! I used go extra lengths “spoil” her a little more … if other dogs got 2 Treats … I used sneak in and give Queenie 3 treats and let her do what ever she wanted in house sleep anywhere she wanted ! She was tiny compared to other dogs she was 10 month old when she died …when we hit the fields for hunting all dogs put on their “game face” even Queenie ! They were Dead serious about hunting and chasing rabbits nothing was stopping them they had strong love for the hunt

    Today I still work with Beagles (I love the beagle breed) I train and compete with them in AKC field trials …. I no longer shoot over my dogs anymore , I know many guys who still shoot and hunt over their dogs I’m not against it ! It is a dangerous sport … the dogs live for it ….

    To this day I still have tears rolling down my eyes and strong Guilt and Shame that never went away … Queenie was my “Main girl” daddy loved her very much !!! I’ve never came across another Beagle that had same personality or traits not anything like Queenie ! She was a “one of a kind” …..she changed my life in many ways , I still miss her dearly !

    The Guilt or shame will never go away , these stories are comfort , they help “ease the guilt” … we are human we all make mistakes in life but our Pets love us very dearly no matter how harsh or tragic the accident was!

  156. I arrived home after a week off island celebrating my brother’s wedding. We were excited about seeing our animals (2 ‘beach dogs’ a father and daughter duo that adopted us, and our indoor cat) excited about the upcoming birth of puppies. But there was no time to acclimate, we arrived home to see 2 of our friends who had news for us. Our dog Baby Girl had broken water or something like that. She was under the house seeming to be readying herself for birth. We made her a big box, lined it with blankets and tried getting her to go inside, but she found her own spots. I called the vet to let him know she had been leaking fluid, and its color didn’t seem quite right, it was tinted green, some of it really dark. 2 vets told me not to worry, that maybe a pup, or all were lost but she should be okay. Neither vet could see her the same day, but both said to call in the morning they could do a C-Section and get out the puppies alive or not.
    She was under the house when I went to take a nap after traveling for 19 hours with little sleep, I set my alarm on hour intervals to check on her, but the next time I checked she wasn’t under the house, she was in the bushes – a favorite spot of hers. The next hour when I checked she was nowhere to be found, another 2 hours later she appeared on the verandah, she was breathing heavy but I thought it was labor- She was leaking more, darker fluid and wouldn’t let me check her, I knew something wasn’t right but I couldn’t position her to try to insert a finger, and she hadn’t seemed dialated at all the last time I had checked. My inexperience and total shock left me, and our girl helpless. She leaked more dark green, thick fluid, let out a few yelps that I hadn’t heard before, and she went limp. I ran to call the vet again to get my husband, to find her ‘real’ owner. But none of those things would bring her back. I screamed and fell to the floor, hysterical. This was 4 days ago.

    The next day I wept while I scrubbed up the mess of fluids all over our verandah, piling up stained furniture & pillows to burn, while my husband and our friends dug a hole and buried her in our garden.

    I feel guilty for the selfish decision to let her get pregnant instead of fixing her when we had the chance, because we wanted a puppy of our own (we lost our 14 year old cat Dexter in June of this year – it was almost equally as tragic and I am still mourning his loss) that we could raise with our cat, and live indoors with us.

    I feel guilty because I was paralyzed with fear, I didn’t jump into action to manually deliver babies like I thought I would have.

    I feel guilty for living on an island with only 1 real vet who -though he does his best and makes house calls, lives / works over an hour away and has to attend to most of the island.

    She was such a wonderful dog, everyone loved. She had so many nicknames ‘tu petite’ ‘squeeler’ ‘wiggle butt’ as all the best dogs do. We are grateful for the year of companionship, unconditional love, ridiculousness and cuteness. Now that she is gone, we’ve lost our other dog too. He doesn’t want to come around the house anymore because this is where he spent the most time with her, it’s where he saw her alive last, its where he smelled her dead body. He was around the day after, and we fed him and gave him a treat, but have only seen him at the beach over the past few days. We are assuming he’s started staying by his original owner now that they are back on island and Baby Girl is no longer with us.

    My husband says he was worried when we moved here if I would be able to handle the rawness of this island, the fact that the circle of life is boldly in our face, that death is the part of that cycle that will be the most obvious. In this last year we (along with our cats) survived Category 5 hurricane Maria, the loss of our hurricane dog Stinky, and our world traveling cat Dexter, and now Baby Girl, we’ve been through a lot. We don’t have as many barriers between nature and ourselves, so we must fend for ourselves, make due with what we have, and accept that nature makes its own rules, but that doesn’t mean I can’t for now think nature is a cruel b**ch.

  157. I begin this text by saying that I feel comforted to know that I am not the only one to delay the death of a pet and to feel guilty about it. My 14-year-old Luna died on July 13, 2018. She was diagnosed with liver cancer. After losing his appetite and vomiting and having diarrhea sporadically, a night came when she did not stop vomiting and did not get up. The next morning I chose to put her to sleep in peace and without pain. I feel guilty about a decision I made during the night. As every time she drank water she vomited, I chose to squeeze the water in the hope that she would stop vomiting and get some rest. Unfortunately today I know that was a terrible decision because liver diseases give much thirst and possibly my girl died with much thirst. I cannot forgive the fact that I was so ignorant and cruel. I want time to come back to change my attitude and give she water even if she continued to vomit. I feel that much time has passed and each time I feel more sad and distressed. It comforted me to read your words and to know that there are more people feeling like me for a variety of reasons. I hope we can all get through this phase.

    1. Thank you, Ana, for taking the time to write. I’m sorry for your loss. And it is good to know that others regret acrions they took or didn’t take for their pets. We all make bad decisions sometimes; we all sometimes think we can delay taking an action and things will work themselves out. Usually the consequences of the mistakes are small. Sometimes though, the cost is enormous. I’m learning from this site and others that all I can do is grieve the loss, let time pass and, somehow, learn to forgive myself. I just want to be at a place sometime in the future when I can remember Dickens and smile, and not be bombarded by thoughts of his last week. I wish you the best.

    2. Hi Anna.

      I was wondering if your Luna ever passed blood in her stool or vomit.. I recently lost a family dog and she went so fast. She was sick on Thursday and euthanized on Saturday. I’m haunted by what caused it.

      1. Hello, Gina! Luna did not vomit blood. He vomited greenish fluid and had totally yellow diarrhea. And she was diagnosed with liver cancer. All symptoms were cancer related. After all this time I still could not overcome what happened.

  158. I’m sorry for the loss of your pets. It seems each case was a tragic accident. You are not to blame. I, on the other hand, know I am to blame. My 14 year old Cavalier suffered from diabetes and seizures, but he hung in there. Several days ago he had a seizure and soiled himself. I took him upstairs for a bath. As I went to get a towel, he inhaled some water. Mistake #1. I pulled him out and held him for awhile. He is usually pretty lethargic after seizures, so I didn’t think much of it. Over the next two days, he perked up a bit, but slept a lot and his chest sounded wheezy. I thought of taking him to the vet, but things were crazy and I was preparing for a trip across the country, I told myself that he would be ok. Mistake #2. I left him in the care of a friend. This morning I got a text that he died. So – it was my fault and mine alone that he got sick. It was also my fault and mine alone that he didn’t get the treatment that would have probably saved his life. How do I live with this? It’s not only the guilt of being responsible for his death, but worse, I wasn’t there for him. I let him down the when he needed me the most. I wasn’t there to care for him or comfort him. The last thing he knew of me was that I had abandoned him. I hate myself.

    1. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Your intention wasn’t to harm your dog. I’m so sorry. I’m reakizing after hearing everyone’s story, that there is no good way to let go of our beloved pets. We will always wonder if we could have done more and second guess all of our actions. The truth is…. we loved them so much that we carry this grief. I still cry every single day. I hope you don’t hate yourself forever.

  159. Yesterday was in all honesty the worst day of my life, so far. Our 4 year old Miniature Dachshund woke up in the morning and was unable to walk. I took her to the vets, and they told us she was completely paralyzed in her back legs. We live on a small island, with no specialist vets here able to do the surgery required. So we were left with the following options : we had the option to pay for a charter flight and surgery on the mainland UK, costs which could have risen to as much as £10,000 (money we sadly do not have), and would also have required her to be nursed and allowed time to recover on the UK mainland, meaning time off work (we also have 2 young children). The other options were to allow here to live as a ‘disabled dog’ (things like wheels), or have her put to sleep. My wife and I both agreed, that we did not want a dog on wheels, as we don’t believe that’s how dogs should live, and we literally did not have the money to pay for the surgery and time off Island. Heartbreakingly we felt that putting her to sleep was the only real option. We bought her home for one last cuddle on the sofa, with us and our children, before taking her back in to the vets. I was with her till her last moment, and was relieved to see her so peaceful at the end.

    She was so loved by all of us, and was truly part of the family. I’m now riddled with guilt, and feel sick to the pit of my stomach. Could/should we have done more to try and help or find that money? I’m also now reflecting on her life, and wish we had done more to stop this form happening in the first place. She was not fat, but not as slim as we should have kept her. She would sit under our youngest sons high chair, and clean up the scraps. She loved playing with our boys, but maybe they were all too rough and tumble together? Maybe we should have bought a lower sofa, so she didn’t have to jump up and down from such a height.

    She meant so much to us, and was so loved. I feel like there is such a hole in our lives. I keep having these waves of intense sadness and guilt, like I have failed her.

    1. i feel your pain cos im in the same boat and knew vet care might not be easy to come by when i moved to a small island with my pets. i had a bottle lamb last year, i found her limping and took her in and treated foot for absess. Turned out to be gangrene (the kind that causes no pain as nerves are damaged) and her foot fell off. I was desperate the vet save her. watching Supervet you believe it is always possible- amputate, a prothetic leg- i was prepared. but no we would have to find a vet on mainland to do it and that would be at least 8 hours on boats as the plane wont take sheep. with other pets and being alone the logistics were impossible. sadly i accepted my neighbour would put her down. i too feel like i took the easy option. fact is none of us are perfect and we are all affected by circumstances that affect our decisions on a daily basis. you did right by your dog – she is not suffering. my lamb would have needed surgery throughout her life if a prosthetic were fitted- not in her best interests. dogs with wheels need 24 hour care as they can not stay in the contraption all the time, it wouldnt have been a quick fix either. we had our pets welfare at heart, and on that basis neither of us failed our pets when they needed us most. its been a year for me, so dont expect to feel ok with all this in a short time, but you will.

  160. Yesterday, my dog was hit by a car.

    For the past few weeks she was staying at my in-laws while we moved. I had made plans to come see her this Sunday. Unfortunately, she ran into the street and was struck by a car.

    The guilt and pain is overwhelming. I keep wondering what I could have done differently. I should have seen her sooner. I should have asked more questions about where she was being kept. I should have protected her.

    She meant so so much to me. She loved me unconditionally during the hardest years of my life, when I felt utterly unloveable. She was more than a friend to me. And I failed to protect her. I don’t know how to stop crying. This is tearing me up.

  161. I accidentally ran over my 12 year old cocker spaniel yesterday. My two daughters were home while I drove to pick up my son from the school bus stop.
    It is close enough he could walk, but there is a busy street I don’t want him crossing, so I left the girls with a TV show and snacks while I quickly picked him up. I think while I was gone, one of the girls opened the door to the garage to see if I had left or if I was back yet. I think the dog ran past and went out into the garage and was shut in there. I opened the garage door to pull in and I think she ran out. I never saw her. I didn’t know she was in there. I assumed she was in the house with the girls. I felt a bump and wondered if someone had left a toy or something on the driveway that I hadn’t seen. I got out of the car and started screaming and crying. There was my dog laying there. Her tongue was hanging out, her stomach looked crushed. Four neighbors came running when they heard me screaming. One of the neighbors told me to hurry and call the vet. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t do anything besides scream and cry. The neighbor kept yelling at me to call someone or do something. I knew she couldn’t survive being run over. She was old. She wasn’t moving. I didn’t want to pick her up and hurt her more. I didn’t know who to call. I couldn’t think of our vet’s name or phone number. I knew there wasn’t a “911” for dogs. My son was in the car crying because he was scared and didn’t know what was going on. I called my husband at work, hysterically crying. The neighbor stopped yelling at me and told me my baby had passed. All the neighbors helped pick her up and wrap her in her blanket. They cleaned the little bit of blood off the driveway for me. One neighbor went into the house to sit with the children. My husband rushed home and was crying as he ran in the door. I took him to our dog’s body and he just lost it.

    I feel so responsible, but at the same time, I can’t think of anything I could have done to avoid it. I didn’t know she was there. I wasn’t expecting her to be in the garage. I didn’t see anything. I wasn’t going fast. I keep reliving the bump. The moment I got out of the car and saw her. Seeing her tongue, her eyes, seeing her crushed stomach, seeing the blood, the feeling of paralysis and helplessness as I tried to get my brain to think or my body to do something. It’s bad enough losing my sweet little dog, but having those last moments seared into my brain makes it so much worst. It feels like the scene is on replay in my mind. I feel sick I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye or hold her one last time. I am devastated that after all those years of loving her, doing everything I could to make her happy, and taking care of her; the person she trusted most in the world was the one who killed her. I loved this dog so much. She was my baby before my babies. She was the sweetest little girl. She never growled at anyone ever or bit anyone ever. She quietly and sweetly put up with each of my babies grabbing her, chasing her, laying on her. No matter how rough they were, she never snapped at them. She would see someone and her whole body would wiggle out of control. Every neighbor or vet or groomer who met her always said what a sweet girl she was. She would sit by my feet when I was rocking or nursing my babies and wouldn’t let the other dog come near the babies (that dog died of cancer 4 years ago). I’m sick that I caused this heartache and pain for my family, especially my husband. I feel so responsible for his grief. Seeing his red, puffy eyes and hearing him cry the rest of the evening and night was crushing. His birthday is today, and now every year on his birthday he will think about our sweet dog dying. I can see some silver linings; she never got really sick (like our dog who died of cancer), she was starting to get arthritis and cataracts (her quality of life was slowly declining), she passed quickly, she had a good life filled with love. I just wish I wasn’t the one driving, that I wasn’t the one to see everything. I hate feeling like I betrayed her love and trust by killing her, that although she died fast, I hate knowing those last moments where excruciating. I know accidents happen, I know it isn’t my fault, anyone could have run over her, I know there was nothing I could have done to stop it or prevent it, but this added guilt makes losing my dog so much worst.

    1. Kate your story helped me realize that I am not alone. I too ran over my 15 year old schnoodle named Snickers. I too did not know he was out. It was dark and I had pulled up very slowly the mistake I made was puking up too close to my garage door so I put car in reverse and I too felt the bump you described. I knew I did not leave any toys out so I looked in rear view mirror and saw him laying there. I opened the door and the cry’s from my poochie made me screen and cry like you. I lost all thoughts and self being. My husband came out running and I too forgot vet number and thank goodness my husband was there to think for me or I would have gone crazy. It was as if I killed my child. This dog was my husbands world and I just took it away. So knowing someone else went through the same experience helped me cope with my guilt and I thank you for sharing

    2. I did the same thing to our very old dog, and the guilt does get better, but mine has never completely gone away. I was backing out of the garage, and since the driveway is a downslope, I couldn’t see the ground behind me in the rearview mirror. Arrow, our sweet elderly dog walked behind the car, and I felt that bump you described. It was awful. My children forgave me, which they shouldn’t have done. This was at least 5 years ago. Truly, this is inappropriate guilt–there was nothing you (or I) could have done. Nothing. Maybe feeling guilty gives us some false sense that we have control over the awful things that happen.

  162. Today our dog got run over by a car. My youngest son saw it happen. He went to wave hi to the kids on his bus and our dog ran out the front door. He ran to a major street and was run over. My son is overcome with guilt. He thinks it is his fault since he is the one who opened the door. His older brother was devastated as well as myself but before I told his older brother what happened, I asked him to try and be kind to his younger brother as he felt bad enough as it was. I am worried sick about how my kids are going to deal with this. I am especially worried about my younger son. Please pray for healing and peace in bo